Everyone leaves me :)
I don't know how much more I can take; my shoulders feel like they are going to break and I just wish that everything would stop going wrong. We were happy together before the kids left but now we just act like strangers and I hate that when I love you so much.
I know I don't always handle things as well as I should, but that's just me and I can't change the way I am. I did blame you when Amy took Leah and Lucas away, she was right your life style puts us all in danger, but I shouldn't have blamed you when you tried so hard to put things right.
I know that you're angry with me because I doubted you with the drugs, I should have trusted you and I'm sorry, but can you really blame me after everything that I've been through with you? But I know I was wrong to judge you now.
You tell me that you're going away for a few days, I could do with that too, but you make it clear to me that you don't want me to come. Is this my punishment? Are you punishing me for thinking that you were dealing again? I hope your not.
You tell me that if I want you to stay that you will, but I don't want to make you do something that you don't want to. I know we have been under pressure recently, but you are separating us already and we've only just got back together.
Of course I want you to stay, I never want you to leave me, but you do anyway and there is no goodbye, no kiss and I wonder if you are even going to come back to me at all. I'm stood in the rain feeling sorry for myself and I have no one now, I go back to my flat and wallow in the self-pity I am feeling.
The flat is empty, even emptier now you are gone, I hold on to Leah's toy and I can feel the tears fall down my face. Why does it always have to be this way for us? Why can't we just be together? Why can't we make this work?
I can smell you in the flat, all your stuff is laying around and I just want you to come back and help me, to relieve the immense pain that I'm feeling right now. You always did make me feel better. I won't believe that this is going wrong for us before it's even properly begun…I can't.
But the distance that you are putting between us now will only add to the on-going strain and I don't want that. Why did you have to go? What was so important? I would have gladly come with you to see your boys. You should have let me come with you. I have never felt more alone.
You are hurt, I understand that, I know you more than anyone and you don't have to lie to me anymore. I just wish I could take back the things I said and the way that I acted, maybe then you would still be here with me. You are everything I have wanted for so long…I can't lose you now.
I'm sure we will sort things out we always do, but if we don't then I don't think I can go on. What have I got if I haven't got you? You have become my whole world Brendan and I want us to work more than you will ever know. I guess I'm scared that you'll decide I'm not worth it, that you'll move on and find someone who will never doubt you.
I don't want you to be a part of my past; I want you in my life permanently, I just hope you still feel the same. I don't want you to be like all the others; my mum and dad, Amy and the kids…don't leave me. Who am I trying to kid? This is me were talking about, you'll leave me…everyone leaves me.
Please Review xx xx xx