Hey lovelies thanks for stopping by! This is actually an old account that I started up again for this fic so if I'm rusty please don't throw bricks at me please and thank you! If you have questions/comments/suggestions/confessions/food please feel free to talk to me!
WARNING: Suicidal thoughts/actions are depicted in this chapter, please click away if you feel uncomfortable in any way trust me I won't be offended.
I don't feel anything but the desire to feel nothing. I don't feel the rain stinging my skin, or the wooden floor that scrapes the soles of my feet. Making my way to the metal railing, I don't feel the tears streaming down my face that mix with the rain into nothing more than salty droplets.
I feel nothing.
My hands clasp blindly onto the railing and I pull myself to the outer ledge, so the only thing separating me from my imminent watery grave is my own hands. The world is achingly dark under the moon's shadow. Ink-stained skies confirm it's already late into the night, so by the time daylight stirs the crew, I will already be good and gone. The thought and my growing insanity bring a smile to my lips. None would know I was gone until morning.
No one could stop me.
What did it feel like, I wonder, to be submerged completely in water? Would you feel weightless, or would all of your burdens weigh you down, until the last memory of you was a single air bubble? If I let go of the railing, would the sadness go away? Or would it still haunt me in an eternal slumber?
I shiver.
Every passing second I become increasingly inclined to find out what death tastes like. Anything would be better than this living hell - even if it meant I wouldn't live at all. And yet, despite my former desire to end it all, I find myself suddenly holding back. I can't leave just yet. Not yet. I have to tell her.
The words are easy to form in my head, seeing that I've wanted to say them for so long. What proves to be the challenge is forming them on my tongue. I haven't used my voice in so long to speak that I scarcely remember what it sounds like, let alone how to use it.
The first attempt vocalizes itself into an unintelligible rasp, until finally I'm able to enunciate the words, even if I'm the only one that would hear them. My voice doesn't sound the same. It's heavier than I remember – burdened by a type of anguish that a lifetime of bliss could never take away. I hate hearing it, more than I had ever hated anything else, but I have to say the words out loud, just once, so she can here.
"Mother," I manage thickly, my fingers slipping off the rails one by one. "I'm so sorry I killed you."
And as I recall all of my mistakes that led me to this, I unlatch my fingers from the railing and let the crashing waters eat me alive.
REALLY short first chapter I know, but expect longer chapters in the near future. Send me a review? I'll give you a cookie? (Wow it's only Chapter 1 and I'm already bribing my readers).
Oh god.