Almost Lover
You fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
Ponyboy was running. He was running as fast as he could because he couldn't bear to be away anymore. The greasers had beaten the Socs and he had to see Johnny.
Ponyboy had been being beaten by a huge soc when someone pulled the soc off and the rest of the Socs ran. He had been pulled up roughly by Dally and before Dally had a chance to say anything Ponyboy was running across the lot and down the street. That's what he was doing now.
Soon Ponyboy was off the street and speeding through the hospital. People all around were yelling at him to stop running or because of his beat up appearance but to them he was deaf, he was blind. The only thing he could see was the door at the end of the hall.
You sang me gentle lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
Pony stopped a few feet away from the door and just stared at it. He was panting, not from the over exertion but from the fear that when he walked through the door Johnny wouldn't be there anymore. He was afraid that maybe Johnny had left him.
He gathered all the courage he had left and pushed the door open. Ponyboy looked at the bed in the center of the room and there he was… Johnny. Pony's heart stopped when he saw how still and quiet Johnny was. It was scary. That was his Johnny laying on the table and all he could think was I'm too late.
"Johnny?" Ponyboy whispered, afraid that just the sound of his voice would break the feeble and burnt angel lying on the table in front of him.
Ponyboy let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding when Johnny slowly opened his eyes.
"Hey, Ponyboy." Johnny croaked, trying to grin up at Pony. Ponyboy stared into Johnny's eyes with the tenderest love he could force into it because even though Johnny was trying to smile he could see the pure fear inside those big black eyes.
Ponyboy smiled back at Johnny so he wouldn't scare the boy and pushed Johnny's hair out of his face. "You should've been at the rumble Johnny. We beat those Socs good. They went runnin' after just a couple of minutes."
Johnny frowned a little and gulped in a shaky breath. "Useless… f-fighting… ain't no good."
Pony continued to stroke Johnny's hair gently. "I know Johnny… I know."
Johnny just got paler and paler through a span of seconds and his breathing sounded like sobs and Ponyboy's heart shattered inside of his chest.
"Pony… c'mere." Johnny whispered faintly, his eyes started to cloud and droop. He tried to reach out his hand for Ponyboy's and he managed to get it up a few inches. Ponyboy started to shake and he could feel the sting of tears in his eyes and the feeling of dread arose inside of his stomach. He took Johnny's small hand gently in both of his and leaned forward as he was asked.
Ponyboy's breath started to come out in harsh pants when desperate, pitiful tears started to slide down Johnny's face.
Well I'd never wanna see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
"I-I love you...Ponyboy." Johnny stuttered out tearfully, and this was about the time when Pony started to let out small sobs. "Stay gold."
Johnny sucked in his last breath and before he could exhale Ponyboy kissed him. It was tender and firm, and loving and sorrowful. Ponyboy tried to shove every feeling and every word he had never shown to Johnny when he had a chance. He regretted that he had never told Johnny his feelings until now, when he was dying. Johnny, with the small sense and life he had left, tried to kiss back the best he could.
When Ponyboy pulled away Johnny whimpered. That would be the last sound he made.
"I love you too Johnnycakes. So much." Pony said as he pressed his forehead against Johnny's. That would be the last thing Johnny saw, heard and felt.
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
Pony watched as the love of his life's eyes closed slowly. He watched as Johnny's body went totally limp and the pillow sunk under his beautiful head. Johnny's chest gave one last weak heave and then it stopped altogether.
Pony's world shattered and he let out a loud heart wrenching cry. His heart felt as if it burst open and bled all over the inside of his body and his stomach turned into a solid block of ice.
His thumb started to rub circles on the back of Johnny's hand and his other hand started to wipe the tears off of his dead lovers face.
"Johnny?" He sobbed thinking maybe if he called Johnny's name he would come back. "Johnny, baby, c'mon. Don't die… don't leave me. I need you. Please! Please Johnny don't die!"
Ponyboy's body racked with loud, desperate cries. His chest hurt and his head throbbed from the overwhelming despair whirling through him.
Ponyboy stared down at Johnny's inanimate face for what seemed like hours. He thought maybe Johnny was just joking and he would wake up and they would both laugh. Maybe Johnny would wake up and they could go home and curl around each other safe and sound. Or maybe Ponyboy himself was just having a nightmare and he would wake up at home in bed with Soda's arm slung across him and he could walk to the living room and Johnny would be peacefully asleep on the couch or maybe he would wake up in Windrixville with Johnny asleep with his head in his lap. But after what seemed like forever Pony came to the realization that Johnny was never gonna wake up again and he let out a blood curdling wail that had nurses and doctors and even Dally running into the room.
"Ponyboy what happened?" Dally panted from the way he had just been running. Ponyboy didn't answer he just slammed himself against the wall then punched it with a sob.
"Son, you need to calm down." Said a doctor across the room from him.
Pony grabbed the unloaded gun from Dally's belt loop and pointed it at the doctor.
"Don't you ever tell me what to do." Ponyboy growled and the doctor went totally still and put his hands up in surrender. Pony felt anger well up inside of him and he didn't waste any more time on that stupid son-of-a-bitch doctor so he ran out of the room and started a dead on sprint down the hall.
People started to yell at him again but quickly went silent when he pointed the gun at them and told them to shut the fuck up. Pony didn't feel taking anything from anyone right then, he was angry. Angrier than he had ever been in his life.
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've know you'd bring me heart ache
Almost lovers always do
Pony was running so hard and he was so blinded with tears he didn't notice when he had run past the rest of the gang. He didn't notice when they started yelling at him to stop. He didn't notice when they started to chase after him. All he was focused on was going somewhere with that gun and getting into trouble and hopefully get shot down. If his Johnny couldn't stay then neither could he.
He made it to the lot, almost to his destination, when he was tackled to the ground. He didn't know who it was, he didn't care who it was so he just tried to wrestle his way out of their grip. He was wrestled onto his back but he still refused to look at this person. His eyes were closed tight and he continued to kick and slap until whoever had tackled him pinned his wrists to the ground.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" He recognized that voice, it was Dally. He opened his eyes and saw that Dally was the one that tackled and the rest of the gang was standing over him looking down at him with worried looks. Even Steve and Dally.
"Let me go!" He screamed starting to fight against Dally's hold again. "If Johnny can't stay then neither can I!"
Pony clawed at the grass so hard that he could feel bits of grass and dirt being wedged under his finger nails. He fought as hard as he could for about fifteen minutes until he just stopped and was reduced to a pile of sobs. He was physically and emotionally exhausted but he didn't want to leave this spot. This was his and Johnny's lot. When Dally got off of him and took the gun away he didn't fight back, he just layed there numbly. When Darry picked him up and started to walk home he still didn't fight back. Instead his legs turned into jelly and his body went limp. He blacked out.
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me in the shade
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never ever forget these images
No
Ponyboy didn't talk after that night. He didn't eat either… or sleep. He just stared. His eyes were always blood shot and he lost a lot of weight. His clothes hardly fit him anymore.
He walked out of his room Friday morning feeling like shit. He didn't eat breakfast even though Darry begged him to; he just walked out onto the porch and smoked a weed. He didn't feel like looking at anyone today either. He felt worse today especially. Today was Johnny's funeral.
"Pony." Ponyboy heard Soda say his name gently from the door. Ponyboy turned around and looked at him but didn't say a word. "It's time to get ready." You could see the tears in Soda's eyes from what was happening to his brother and that he was going to one of his buddy's funeral.
Ponyboy walked passed his older brother without a word. He was sorry he was hurting his brother but he couldn't bring himself to care. He didn't care about anything anymore.
Well I'd never wanna see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
At the funeral Pony made it through the first half. He made it through the first half because they weren't at the church yet, he didn't see the casket that held Johnny, and he didn't see Johnny. When they got to the actual funeral service that all changed.
The gang sat in the front row. Ponyboy tried to avoid contact but his eyes were drawn to the main attraction. When his eyes landed on the open casket that his Johnny lying dead in it, he fell apart. He started to shake almost violently as somebody in the front started to prey. He felt like throwing up and he could feel the bile rising up his throat. He couldn't stop the pitiful crocodile tears from falling down his face.
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
After half an hour of total strangers talking in the front Pony found himself being pulled up and put in a line. He then found it was the line to go up and see Johnny and his legs turned into jelly at the realization. His head started to pound and his stomach heaved violently as the line got shorter and shorter.
When there was only a couple of people in between him and Johnny, a new sheen of tears burst from his eyes accompanied with a whimpered sob. He curled in on himself slightly when his chest started to hurt and he felt the urge to run. He wanted to run back to Windrixville and hide under the crumbled, burnt remains of the church and imagine Johnny was still alive. He wanted to starve there and die.
He almost did run too but Soda's hand came up and rested on his shoulder when he saw how much Ponyboy was shaking. That was when he noticed he was standing in front of Johnny.
So long my luckless romance
My back has turned on you
Should've know you'd bring me heart ache
Almost lovers always do
Pony felt his knees give out and he leaned against the platform. The sight of Johnny laying there dead, in a suit, on display was too much. Everyone went silent when they saw Ponyboy was the one standing there.
Ponyboy just stared at Johnny for a second. He hated how Johnny was laying there peacefully, without grease in his hair with his arms crossed over his chest and surrounded by total strangers.
Pony fell forward with a sob. He forgot about the people around him and leaned forward and kissed Johnny on the forehead then layed his head on Johnny's lifeless chest.
"Why'd you have to go and leave me, huh?" Was his first strangled whisper. That's when his legs totally lost feeling and he sunk to his knees.
"Why would you leave me Johnny? Why would you leave my here all alone?" His voice was rising as he started to sob harder and harder. "Why didn't you fight harder?!" His voice was almost blood curdling at this point and Soda tried to get Pony up but he wasn't strong enough, that's when Darry and Steve picked Pony up and started to drag the sobbing boy out of the chapel.
"NO!" Pony screamed desperately. "I can't leave him!" He felt a sharp pain shoot through his chest and he blacked out.
He didn't get to see the burial ceremony.
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
After the funeral Darry and Sodapop hid all of the sharp objects in the house, afraid that Ponyboy would go suicidal. They were right to do that. Ponyboy still didn't eat, he didn't sleep and he didn't talk (the wondering why he didn't just drop dead from all of that).
They didn't hide them well though, because one day when he came home Pony found two rusty, sharp steak knives under the kitchen sink. He took them to his room and hid one under his pillow just in case. He turned around with the other one in his hands and stared at the picture of Johnny he had propped up on his desk.
He put the knife to his left wrist. "I'm coming for you Johnny." He whispered about to slice his wrist when Soda ran into the room.
"Pony? PONY!!!" Soda screamed and hurried forward to rip the knife out of Pony's hold and gathered his sobbing baby brother in his arms and rocked him gently back and forth. "Don't do that ever again! Ya hear me Ponyboy?"
"I want to be with Johnny." Pony sobbed over and over again.
Soda started to stroke Pony's hair. "I know honey… I know."
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?
That night when everyone was in the living room watching TV Pony went to his room and sat in front of his picture of Johnny. He got the other knife out from under his pillow and looked at it in his hands. He needed a faster and easier way to do this and an idea came to his mind. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and held the knife to his throat.
With one quick movement he slit his throat. He died instantly.
When the gang heard his body hit the floor they all came running. Sodapop screamed and held his dead baby brother to his chest rocking back and forth. But Ponyboy wasn't coming back.
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
Ponyboy woke up in an unknown place but that didn't matter because Johnny was there. He quickly and ran into Johnny's open, waiting arms. Ponyboy melted into Johnny's warm embrace.
"I missed you Johnnycakes. I missed you so much." Ponyboy whispered as he looked up to face Johnny.
Johnny looked sad for a moment. He was sad that Pony cut his life short. But after a minute he smiled up at Ponyboy, and Ponyboy kissed him.
"I love you Pone." Johnny whispered into the kiss. Ponyboy cried tears of joy.
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heart ache
Almost lovers always do