A/N: I recently realized that I have never read a fic that focused on an STD. I wanted to rectify that. STDs are a part of life and for some people they are permanent. I advise you to give this fic a try. Even if you don't care about the subject matter, this fic is more than Sam having an STD. It's also about how she deals with the choices she's made and how she comes to terms with the changes in her life.
That said, I have several parts already written and will be uploading every couple of days. Please review because this is a difficult subject matter and I'd love to hear opinions or people's own stories!
The mission had sucked, to put in plainly.
Three days of rain, mud, and a grumpy colonel were not especially pleasant. The first day had been uncomfortable, but by day two it was plain miserable. They were camping on P5X-597 for several days in order to observe some astronomical anomalies on the planet. The colonel was as enthusiastic as normal and began to complain about her need to collect data on the wettest planet in history about three hours into the rain. She barely was able to keep herself from pointing out that it was actually her who had to collect the data in the rain and that the rest of the team could be dry in a tent.
Although to be fair, it's impossible to keep anything dry after three days of camping in the rain. Even Teal'c was starting to look fed up by the time they headed for the gate, but he naturally said nothing. The colonel took up whistling, happy at last that the end was in sight.
Sam had tried her best not to sigh in exasperation. She was getting more and more fed up lately. It seemed like all she did was trek around planets getting captured or being subjected to horrible weather conditions. On the rare day this routine was mixed up, it was usually because there was some horrible problem at the SGC that needed her fixing.
When she joined the SGC years before she never would have imagined she could feel so… unfulfilled. But if she took a moment to honestly examine how she felt, she was unhappy. It seemed more and more that they would forever be trekking around the galaxy, barely keeping the Goa'uld at bay and it was starting to tax.
But she did her best to not consider her life honestly. Which was why she found herself unexpectedly in a bar, flirting with the guy seated next to her. Going out and meeting people was something she never did; this is why she did it now. Some part of her recognized the attempt to dislodge herself from her rut, but she waved it down.
Oh and David just put his hand on her leg. High on her leg. The fact that she was vaguely surprised told her it had been way too long since she had had a man's attention. The colonel flashed through her mind for a moment but she focused her attention back to David. Her chances with the colonel seemed slimmer by the day and it was time to move on. She was entitled to a life, right?
Right. Which was why when David asked her if she wanted to go back to her place she agreed.
SG1
It had been way too long since she'd done this, she decided. The things this man was doing to her shouldn't feel this good. They had barely made it to her bed before she had managed to hand him a condom and he was inside her. As he pounded into her she was seriously concerned the sounds she was making might disturb one of her neighbors.
His fingers pinched one of her nipples and she felt his other hand snake between them to rub her clit. She exploded around him and within a minute he came, thrusts finally slowing until he stopped. She gathered herself finally and lifted her head from the pillow to look up at him above her.
"Good?" he asked, looking very much a proud man.
"It was okay," she smiled up at him and he laughed. She grinned more in response.
"Shit," she heard.
She looked back to his face before following his line of vision down to where he was pulling out of her.
"Condom broke," he said. She looked down and sure enough, it had.
"I'm on the pill," she told him.
He walked away to dispose of the condom and she got up to follow him, pulling a robe from her closet and lingering in the doorway to her bathroom.
"Good," he said. "No babies."
"No babies," she confirmed, beginning to relax from the adrenaline rush of seeing a broken condom on the other participant of her one night stand. "Are you free of STDs?"
"Yep," he assured her, nodding. He was beginning to put his clothes on and she wasn't sure if she was relieved or not.
"Me too," she told him. "Do you… want to stay?" she offered.
"I have an early morning tomorrow," he negatively replied. She supposed it was for the best, although it kind of bummed her out that the first man she's been with in literally years couldn't even spend the night. She wouldn't call herself a huge cuddler, but sometimes it was nice just to have company.
"I understand." SG1 was on a few days downtime after their mission from Wet Hell but normally their hours were unpredictable and sometimes terrible.
"Call me if you want to do this again sometime," he told her.
She nodded and walked him to the door. "Goodnight," she said and he leaned down to kiss her cheek before heading outside to his car. She watched him drive away with mixed feelings. She had never once had sex with someone she hadn't been seeing for a while, but David had instantly attracted her. It was nice to feel wanted and she could admit that if felt freeing to do something so… atypical for her.
She knew plenty of people who had casual sex, she just never really counted herself as one of them. Until now. She shrugged off the tiny bit of guilt she felt, knowing it was because of years of hearing how women ought to behave. Seriously, she was 37 years old, way too old to still care about how other people would perceive her actions. It's not like anyone would know, and she knew rationally that she wasn't breaking some universal moral code. She shut her front door and went to bed, glad she didn't have to be in early to work.
SG1
The next three weeks passed pretty much uneventfully. They had had a few easy missions, mainly meetings with peaceful planets for a change. Daniel had enjoyed them and the rest of them just kept an eye out for any danger, although there wasn't any.
She had spent the rest of the time studying some of the objects other teams had brought back through the gate. It was nice to not have any catastrophic events happen for a while. She would even get to go home on time, although there was nothing exciting waiting for her except for a bath.
And bathe she did. She filled her bath with warm water and bubbles and even added some of the beads to fill her bath with lotion and aroma goodness. She took her time, shaved her legs and between her legs and just generally lounged around.
The team had been relaxed lately. Daniel was adjusting fairly well to being un-ascended (descended?) and they had fallen back into their old friendship with ease. In many ways he was more of a brother to her than Mark, and she had missed him.
The colonel was... the colonel. She was really trying to accept that there would be nothing between them but it was hard. She'd always had this underlying belief that at some point they would be in a position to pursue each other. But nothing was ever changing and she knew that she couldn't hold out hope forever. He might not even feel the same any longer, although she suspected he did. She still wanted to be with him, but how long could she wait? She had loved him for a while now but was starting to feel like a fool for holding out for so long.
Eventually her bath cooled and she carefully stood on the damp floor. Drying herself off, she stopped when she noticed something. A… bump? on her labia. Seriously, how had she even noticed it? She started to wonder if it was new or there before. She hadn't noticed it but that didn't mean it wasn't there before, covered in hair and hidden from view. She thought of her encounter with David. The condom had broken. She had a moment of panic but calmed herself down. He said he was free of STDs and she had no reason to doubt him.
She had no reason to trust him either, she realized. She barely knew him. I'm so stupid she berated herself. Why would I ever think taking a strange man home was a good idea? She dried herself more completely, mentally cursing herself. She pulled out a handheld mirror and held it up to herself before realizing she couldn't see. She sat on the floor and spread her legs, mirror held between them.
She studiously studied herself like she never had before. Oh my god there's another bump. Is that a pimple? What does herpes look like? She poked and prodded at herself for a good ten minutes before finally getting up and putting her pajamas on. What now?
She let her thoughts run wild for a few moments. How likely was it that she had contracted something? It was only one time, but she realized one time was all you need. She felt her panic begin to build again after her zen-like and efficient self-examination.
No she told herself. It's probably nothing. But what if it wasn't? She resolved to make an appointment with a doctor off the base. She definitely didn't want to explain herself to Janet or one of the other doctors. An appointment would let her know that she was fine and she could move on with her life. Assuming, of course, it's not something you contracted her mind betrayed her. Seriously frustrated with herself, she pushed it to the back of her mind for the night.
SG1
It was hard to push it out of her mind. She'd tossed and turned for a while before finally she was able to fall asleep. As soon as she woke up it was the first thing on her mind. After going to the bathroom she checked to see if the bumps were still there. They were, and they looked the same. She called to make a doctor's appointment but couldn't get in to be seen until Thursday. It was only Monday so it would be a long few days but she would have to make due.
"Sam, you okay?" Daniel asked her over lunch. The day could not be passing more slowly if the base were in a time dilation field.
"Hmm?"
"You're kinda quiet. Everything alright?"
She looked up from her meal to see him gazing at her with that look of concern he wore so well. She debated telling him what was going on for two seconds before immediately deciding she couldn't bear it. Everything was probably fine anyway and she was just overreacting.
"Yeah," she nodded. "I'm just having trouble with some experiments I'm running," she lied. God, how she wished that were the truth. In actuality everything was running smoothly. It seemed the universe was being particularly cruel, making all the equipment work when she needed the distraction the most.
"Ah." She got the feeling he wasn't convinced but he didn't push it further.
"Where's the colonel and Teal'c?" she changed the subject.
"I think Teal'c is 'endeavoring to teach O'Neill the practice of meditation,'" Daniel mimicked.
Sam laughed. "Is Teal'c trying to make his own life harder?"
"I guess," Daniel shrugged. "Maybe they're just bored."
"Maybe. I'm gonna get back to the lab," she told him, standing up. "Simulations don't run themselves, and all. Well, I guess they do but I still should see the results," she frowned.
"Alright, I'll see you later."
She hoped not. Not that she was avoiding Daniel is particular but it was just hard for her to focus on a conversation at the moment with so many thoughts flying through her head. She couldn't wait to get home. She'd be one day closer to her appointment.
SG1
This was actually a terrible idea. About an hour after she got home she thought maybe if she looked up symptoms of STDs she could compare them to her own bumps.
Yeah, she was kind of regretting that choice. Knowledge is power and all, but Google images was a horror show when it came to pictures of STDs. Herpes was apparently destined to infect her eye and cause blindness. When was the last time she washed her hands? Oh geez, this wasn't working!
She switched her method of information-gathering and decided to read about what sores typically looked like. The doomsday scenarios weren't helping.
She got to a reputable medical site and read under the symptoms section. 'Sores typically present as fluid-filled blisters. These sores may be clustered or singular. They may be painful or itchy and will break open before scabbing over and healing. Sores typically do not leave scarring.'
That didn't sound like what she had. She felt more hopeful and went back to her Google search. She found a forum for people asking questions and read through the comments. It seemed doctors were answering people's questions.
Reading more left her more uncertain. Most people don't know they are infected because they have no symptoms or have very mild symptoms mistaken for something else? She was convinced she had pimples ten minutes before but now she wasn't so sure.
It didn't matter, she told herself. I have an appointment in three days. I'll find out then. Still, she couldn't resist the temptation to go look at the bumps again, as if they would suddenly have the answer written on them if she looked closely enough. Three more days.
SG1
By Wednesday night, she had learned more about skin diseases than she had ever needed to. If these are not herpes sores I will never have sex outside a relationship again she promised herself. She was agonizing over what this could mean for her.
She had read about how common the infection was. It's not like she hadn't known about STDs before, but she now knew an impressive number of statistics and it was starting to hurt her brain. She was trying to brace herself for the disappointment of a diagnosis while still clinging to a tiny sliver of hope. Lots of people have it and they go on she told herself. This was true, she realized. But it sure felt like her love life would be over. Not that she had one anyway. But she felt tainted, like she was being punished for making a bad decision.
She calculated the probabilities in her head. 20% chance David has it times the 8% chance she contracted it without him having any symptoms. That's only a 1.6% chance she has it. Not too bad.
But she did have those pimples. Sores, probably. She was going to find out it was herpes.
She suddenly felt stupid. The fate of the planet was at risk from the Goa'uld and she was sitting here almost crying over the fact that she might have a treatable skin infection that a large minority of people already have. She needed to get over herself.
She shut her laptop and pushed back her chair angrily. She was acting like a child, caring about something so minor. She would go to her appointment and if it was herpes, it was herpes. She'd go on with her life like she always had and that was that.
SG1
After calling in sick that morning she sat on a sterile table in the doctor's office wearing a tiny paper gown.
"So what brings you in today?" the woman, Dr. Cole, asked as she began to wash her hands at the examination room sink.
"I had a condom break with a new partner almost a month ago," Sam explained. "A few days ago I noticed some bumps."
"Okay," the woman nodded. "We can check those out. Do you want to be tested for other STDs too?"
Sam paused. It seemed stupid now that she thought about it, but she had been so concerned with those stupid bumps that she hadn't considered any of the other possibilities. She wanted to believe she had nothing to worry about, but if she truly believed that she wouldn't be here in the first place.
"I think I'd better," Sam finally told her.
"We'll take some blood and get swabs from your cervix." She pulled the stirrups out and advised Sam to scoot to the edge of the table and spread her legs.
"Are these the marks you're concerned about?" Dr. Cole poked them with a gloved finger.
"Yeah. I'm not sure how long they've been there. I noticed a few days ago."
"They look like simple pimples to me. It happens."
Sam sighed a breath of cautious relief. "Not herpes?"
"I'd very much doubt it. They don't look like any herpes sore I've ever seen," the doctor replied. "When we draw your blood we can test for it, though, if you want. I would normally take a sample of a sore but it really doesn't look like you have one."
"Okay, I'll have that test, too. What else do you test for?"
The doctor started to take her swabs for the other tests. "Chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, HIV, and hepatitis. And we can do the herpes test too since you're concerned about it. Okay, you can take your legs out and sit up."
Sam sat up and adjusted herself on the table as the doctor took off her gloves.
"We have the rapid HIV testing in this office if you're interested. The results come in in 20 minutes so you can wait to get them. How long ago did you say was your exposure?"
"About a month ago."
"Okay, it can take 3-6 months to get an accurate test but most people average about 20 days before the test will pick it up. Interested?"
"Uh, alright," Sam agreed. This was kind of a lot of information for her to digest at once but she guessed it was good to find out sooner rather than later. HIV was pretty rare, anyway, so it couldn't hurt to have it done.
Ten minutes later a nurse was taking a swab of her cheek after drawing her blood. "I'll come back when we get the results. It'll take about 20 minutes so just sit tight."
Sure enough, 25 minutes later the doctor was seated in front of her. "Your test was inconclusive," she told Sam.
"What?" Her brain wasn't processing.
"The test wasn't positive or negative. It was inconclusive. That could be for a number of reasons," she explained.
"Like what?" Her throat was suddenly dry and she swallowed hard.
"Other illnesses. A faulty test. We want to take another swab and do the test again."
"Okay," Sam agreed. She'd had a lot of strange things happen to her body in the last couple of years. Maybe something was messing up the test, like the protein markers Jolinar had left behind.
"Inconclusive," the doctor told her another 25 minutes later, giving her a weak supportive smile.
"What does that mean?"
"You could have something else that's reacting with the test. Or it's possible that you're positive and there aren't enough antibodies to be able to fully detect yet. Either way, you need to have another test done."
"Isn't my blood going to be tested for it?" Her mind was spinning. David would have known if he'd had it, wouldn't he? No she remembered from her classes forever ago in high school. It can go years undetected. Why wouldn't he have had a test?
"We'll still test it but it's possible that test will be inconclusive as well. It might just be too early to say. Depending on that test you will need to come in for another test in a couple weeks. Alright?" She nodded absently. "Sam?"
"Hmm?"
"Are you hearing all this?" the doctor gave her a look of detached concern.
"I'm going to need another test," Sam repeated back.
"We can schedule you an appointment. In the meantime we will call you with the results of everything else. Do you want us to call someone for you?"
Sam could have laughed if she didn't feel a breath away from crying. Who would she call? Everyone she knew worked at the base and there was no way in hell that she was letting any of them know this was going on.
Sam shook her head. "I'm okay."
"Come on," the doctor gently touched her arm. "I'll take you up to schedule another appointment."
She made an appointment for three weeks in the future. It wasn't definite that she would be able to keep it as the team often ran into unexpected trouble. Oh god. What about SG1? What if she had it? They would find out, wouldn't they? The Air Force tested them for HIV every few months, like all the branches did. She was going to get kicked out of the SGC.
She started to tear up, her situation about to overwhelm her. Luckily she was pulling into her driveway by this time, the drive having been completed on autopilot. She ran into her house before her neighbors could see her burst into tears and collapsed onto her sofa, crying.