Thriller Night.
Insane madness. Warnings for insane author only.
(Well, warnings because it does get a bit suggestive in places...)
Do I really need to tell you that the song is Thriller, by the wonderful Michael Jackson....
And are you really that stupid to think that I had a hand in writing it? Hahahaha (mimics insane laughter at end).
-----------------
"I really, REALLY think we should go back, Harry." Ron whimpered.
"What do you think we've been trying to do for the last hour?" Harry snapped, irritably.
"Well, whose clever idea was it to come into the Forbidden Forest at this time of night? On Halloween?" Hermione yelled at the boys.
"Sor-ry Hermione!" Harry turned to her in the semi-darkness. "But if we can save all this until, oh I dunno...after we get out of this mess, perhaps?"
Sulking, Hermione walked ahead of them.
"That---that tree looks awfully familiar." Ron stammered."That's because we've been here before." Harry said, looking suddenly hobbit-like sitting down on a rock. " Oh this is hopeless."
There was suddenly a loud creaking in the forest...was a tree falling down? Then they heard...
"Footsteps?" Ron quivered. "And...AAAAH, what's that howling? OH MY GOD LUPIN!"
Ron dived into Harry's lap, shaking.
"Gerrof!" Harry said, shoving Ron off his lap.
Suddenly, a large figure towered before them in the darkness. Ron yelped and Harry gasped.
"Hagrid!" the very sensible Hermione pointed out. But Hagrid seemed to be in some sort of a trance and didn't acknowledge them. He bent over and walked about in a circle, clicking his fingers.
"Hagrid?" Hermione asked, and jumped back as Hagrid lunged forward onto his knees, making a high pitched "Uh" noise, his hand grabbing somewhere that shouldn't be thought about pre-watershed.
It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark
Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes,
You're paralysed
"Pah---pah---pahh...." Ron stammered in the darkness.
Hagrid leapt up, making the ground shake slightly, and started waving his hands about and dipping his shoulders funkily.
'cause this is thriller, thriller night
And no one's gonna save you from the beast about strike
"Beast?" Ron squeaked.
"Shh." Hermione said.
You know it's thriller, thriller night
You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight
"What's....Hagrid?....Hello?" Harry said, trying to make sense of the situation.
You hear the door slam and realize there's nowhere left to run
You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination
But all the while you hear the creature creepin' up behind
You're out of time
Ron's head spun round behind him in fear. Harry leapt up onto the rock he had been sitting on and raised his hands.
"Eeeoooooowwwwwww." He said, karate kicking his way through the forest floor behind him, knocking down a small bush. "Haha!" He cried in triumph.
'cause this is thriller, thriller night
There ain't no second chance against the thing with forty eyes
You know it's thriller, thriller night
You're fighting for your life inside of killer, thriller tonight
"FORTY...FORTY...." Ron said in an almost inaudible pitch, before fainting, rolling back onto the log he had been sitting on.
Night creatures call
And the dead start to walk in their masquerade
There's no escapin' the jaws of the alien this time
(they're open wide)
This is the end of your life
"Hagrid...are you ok...?" Hermione asked, as Hagrid moonwalked about the forest floor. "Oooh." He squeaked.
They're out to get you, there's demons closing in on every side
They will possess you unless you change the number on your dial
Now is the time for you and I to cuddle close together
Hermione yelped as Hagrid stood there with his arms around himself, shimmying them up and down his body. "That's disgusting."
All thru the night I'll save you from the terror on the screen,
I'll make you see
Suddenly Ron sprang back to life and looked around, bewildered. "HERMIONE!!!!!!!" He yelled, diving on top of her and rugby-tackling her to the floor, for no apparent reason.
"Ooh Ron!" Hermione giggled, lying under him. "Is that you're wand, or are you just pleased to see me?"
That this is thriller, thriller night
'cause I can thrill you more than any ghost would dare to try
Girl, this is thriller, thriller night
So let me hold you tight and share a killer, diller, chiller
Thriller here tonight
"We're in great danger, Hermione. Hagrid's dancing. Look at him!" He gestured to the large man, who was boogying on down beside a tree.
"Yeah...kind of a turn on, aint it?" She winked and grabbed his head and kissed him passionately.
Just then, Harry leaped back up from all his karate moves and grabbed Ron. "I see he's under some sort of a curse too." He said, helping Hermione up.
"Hey!" She said, insulted.
Hagrid was now shimmying towards them, man-boobs wobbling away.
"EEEEW!" Harry squeaked, and leapt into Ron's arms. Ron staggered slightly under his weight, but held his friend high...and started lifting him up and down.
"Hey, any excuse to train my muscles a bit!" Ron said, to Hermione's shocked stares.
They turned to Hagrid as he had stopped and was staring at them intensely.
Darkness falls across the land
The midnite hour is close at hand
Creatures crawl in search of blood
"BLOOD?" Ron squawked again, before passing out, still holding Harry, who landed on top of him.
"HEY! YOU TWO TIMER!" Hermione yelled, rolling Harry off Ron, who was licking Harry's ear, for some non-apparent reason.
To terrorize y'awl's neighbourhood
And whosoever shall be found
Without the soul for getting down
Must stand and face the hounds of hell
"Hounds?" Ron squeaked highly as he woke up...only to faint again.
And rot inside a corpse's shell
"Eeew, that mings!" Harry said, very girly all of a sudden.
The foulest stench is in the air
The funk of forty thousand years
"Yo, dude, that, like MINGS!" Harry pouted at Hagrid. "You should really get a cleaner for in here or something, darling!" He said, and sat down on the forest floor and proceeded to paint his toenails pink.
"HA, GOT YOUR SHOES!!!" Hermione yelled, and ran about the forest floor, although, weirdly enough, Harry wasn't chasing her. Ron woke when she stood on his elbow.
"Ow! Hey...that looks like fun!" He said, before whipping the socks from beside Harry's (thankfully not hairy...the hobbitness clearly has worn off) bare feet, tickling them once for good measure, and ran about, screaming like a loon "GOT YA SOCKIES, GOT YA SOCKIES!!!!"
They seemed to have momentarily forgotten about the all-singing-all-dancing Hargid...who was only here for one night only...until Hermione collided head-first into his large stomach, closely followed by Ron, who thumped hard against her back.
"Ooooh RON!" She giggled, before spinning round, grabbing his head, shoving him out of the way, and kneeling in front of Harry, blowing on his toenails. "Helping them dry quicker, sweetie!" She said.
"Thanks hunny!" Harry smiled.
"Grrrr!" Ron 'grrred'.
And grizzly ghouls from every tomb
Are closing in to seal your doom
And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the thriller
By now they had forgotten the 'terror' they were meant to be in, and were boogying along with Hagrid, Harry shaking that toosh like there was no tomorrow!
Just as Ron was doing some hip-bumps with a grinning Hermione, Hagrid began to walk off into the distance.
"Hey wait! WAIT!!! I WANNA BOOOGIE SOME SERIOUS STUFF!" Ron said, throwing himself to the floor and banging his limbs like a toddler in a supermarket.
"It's ok." Hermione said, upside down...for she was doing a handstand against a tree.
They watched Hagrid go, with tears in their eyes. (Hermione's tears rolling to her forehead, as she was upside down.)
"I'll miss him." Harry said, wiping his eyes.
"Oh it's ok." Ron said, hugging Harry's left knee, kissing it once. "It'll be ok."
And they watched him go, laughing manically in a deep echo. (What, it was what the lyrics website said!)
(into maniacal laugh, in deep echo)
See!
----------
Whoo hooo!!!! Hahaa. VERY mad. I hope it was funny, as It was intended to be so. Apologies to JK for violating her wonderful characters in such a way!
Oooh, and the afterthoughts....Ron, ironically, joined a karate club and became a karate champ, which Harry resented him for, but he only had to be happy for his friend, as Harry became a Victoria's Secret model, and, yes, his toenails did dry on time, thanks to Hermione! Everyone ran back to the castle doing the happy dance, and saw Dumbledore doing the hockey-cokey wearing only a small, purple, bow tie....AND THERES A GOOD PLACE TO FINISH :)