DISCLAIMER: If we were to write down everything we have to disclaim in here, this whole first chapter would be one long disclaimer. So let's just say that if you recognize it, we don't own it.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Welcome to The Lord of the Ringtones, coauthored by Arcticwolfe and Christina TM (fanfiction . net /u/110877/). It was a rather extensive project we took upon ourselves several years ago, and we hope that you enjoy it as much as we have. The story is a mix of the Lord of the Rings movies and the books. Other books and movies also play a role in this train wreck—oops, sorry, story—you're about to read.
There have been whispers of rumors of a notebook containing the first two chapters of a sequel. It might appear here eventually, though we offer no promises. As the authors no longer live in the same state most of the time, odds of its completion are low.
We would also like to add that, as we have 15 chapters that employ the same kind of humor, you will undoubtedly get bored of it after a while. I know I would. Don't feel obligated to read all of it at once; just read a few chapters and come back later. Do feel obligated to read chapters 1, 9, and 10, as those are my favorites.
Edit 9/19/09: Updated Author's Notes, removed a few extraneous line breaks, added a few horizontal rules.
RATED: PG, mostly just so we don't get in trouble with parents.
SPECIAL THANKS: We want to thank EruDaughter and our friend Courtney, both of whom have helped and encouraged us in this monumental task.
THE LORD OF THE RINGTONES
Three Ringtones for the Elven-Kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-Lords in their halls of stone
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie
One Ringtone to rule them all
One Ringtone to find them
One Ringtone to bring them all and in the darkness
In the land of Mordor where the Shadows lie
THE LORD OF THE RINGTONES: THE E-COMMUNITY OF THE RINGTONE – CHAPTER ONE – A LONG-EXPECTED CHATROOM
When Bilbo Baggins announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much explanation of the fact that he was indeed not turning 7, but in fact had lived eleventy-one years (as many in the Shire were nerds who understood binary better than normal numbers). Nonetheless, every computer in Hobbiton had at least 10 IM windows open at a whack, and phone bills were up by 12.
Much of the conversation between the hobbits regarded his incredible age. Bilbo had aged to 111 years, and looked not a day over fifty. As far as everyone in Hobbiton knew, he had never undergone plastic surgery or had a BoTox injection. "What's his secret?" All the ladies wanted to know. They would speculate endlessly, but the truth of Bilbo's seemingly indefinite youth was something they would never guess. His long life and remarkably youthful appearance was entirely attributed to a single item in Bilbo's plethora of techie things. The item in question was the One Ringtone of Power. This Ringtone slowed Bilbo's aging and gave him an extra-long life. It also made him completely immune to annoying sounds. This immunity earned Bilbo full-time work at the Squalling Little Brats daycare center.
Bilbo lived at Bag End, along with his nephew Frodo. Frodo had been living with Bilbo since Frodo's parents died on a Duckboat Tour on Lake Evendim. During the tour, the guide (who had always been considered a few cartridges short of an inkjet printer) let tourists try driving the boat. Frodo's mother, Primula, jumped at the chance. Unfortunately, her driving skills were somewhat less than stellar, and she drove the boat into the pillar that held up the Brandywine Bridge (which, contrary to what its name implied, was not on the Brandywine River), killing all 18 people on the boat. After his parents' rather untimely passing, Frodo came to live with Bilbo at Bag End.
As Bilbo's birthday approached, email forwards (rumored to have been started by one Samwise Gamgee) telling of fireworks at the party were rampant. Questions about its validity were raised, especially pertaining to the last line, which read "Send this to 10 people by the end of the day or something very bad will happen to you. Lily Proudfoot thought this was just a prank and decided to delete it. She fell off a ladder later on and broke 12 bones." While this unfortunate incident had befallen Lily Proudfoot, she denied that it had anything to do with the email.
All questions were soon answered when a white Hummer with a license plate that said "SHDWFAX"-for that was the vehicle's name-drove up through Main Street.
"Gandalf! Gandalf!" Shouted the hobbit children as they ran behind the Hummer. "Show us a firework, Gandalf, please!" They begged, and then screeched in delight as a green carbon monoxide dragon shot out the tailpipe.
Gandalf chuckled at the children's delight as he pulled his Hummer over to the side and pulled out his laptop computer. He connected to the Internet and-hoping he wasn't in a bad cell-wrote an email to Bilbo.
From: grayhame at
To: master at
Subject: PARTY
Bilbo:
I will be arriving today at 3 PM. Pleas know when I knock
That I am NOT the Sackville-Bagginses.
Ride on,
Gandalf
Bilbo sat down at his computer to check his email. He gaped at the spam flooding his inbox. "'Lose fifty pounds in one week!'" He grumbled, reading the subject line of his first email. "'Earn a million pieces of gold in two minutes without working!' 'Get out of debt!' 'How to succeed in business without really trying!' Viagra, Cialis, Levitra! There is nothing of use to me here!" He was about to sign out when he saw one potentially worthwhile email.
grayhame at PARTY
Bilbo opened and read the email. Looking at the clock, he saw that it was almost 3 PM. Gandalf shall arrive soon, he thought just as there was a knock on the door. "Gandalf, my dear-" he began, but when he opened the door he saw that it was not Gandalf at all, but rather the hopelessly bothersome Sackville-Bagginses, Otho and Lobelia. "I'm not home! This is a prerecorded hologram!" He yelped, slamming the door. Seconds later another knock came. "Otho! Lobelia! Go away!" Bilbo barked. He'd had more than enough of his relatives, and the Sackville-Bagginses were the worst.
"They already have," a deep, familiar voice boomed. "Let me in!"
"Oh, Gandalf!" Bilbo gasped. "I'm so sorry!" He quickly opened the door. "Come in, come in! Please forgive me; I thought it was those blasted Sackville-Bagginses."
"That much I gathered," Gandalf said, removing his tall pointed hat and entering the hobbit-hole. "You are forgiven."
"Can I get you something?" Bilbo took the wizard's staff and hat. "I have some old wine, if you'd like. Or coffee, perhaps? I can even cook a steak if you want. A big, juicy-"
"Coffee will be fine, thank you," Gandalf said politely.
"Very well then!" Bilbo said good-naturedly, pouring Gandalf a cup of coffee and getting a bag of potato chips.
The two old friends took a seat at Bilbo's table and stared at the hobbit's screensaver. It was the rather annoying sort with a black background and white dots rushing towards the front. It gave one the impression of staring out the front window of a spacecraft.
"What a nauseating screensaver you have," Gandalf observed.
"Really?" Bilbo asked. "I am very fond of it, and of all the many screensavers of the Shire. But I think I need a vacay."
Gandalf eyed his friend. "So you mean to go through with your plan, then?"
"I do," Bilbo answered with certainty. "I've had it in my PDA for months and I've not deleted it. I'm going to have my fun on Thursday. Who's gonna laugh, I wonder?"
"We'll see," Gandalf said patiently.
All week, the Strong Backs & Weak Minds Construction Company had been setting up tents around the Shire. Some of these tents housed big screen TVs so the men could watch football and the kids could play PlayStation. The women had other big screen TVs set up with chick flicks and massaging chairs. Those who cared for none of the aforementioned activities were breakdancing. Coolers everywhere held soda and beer. A good deal of the men were barbecuing.
Near the big screen TV that showed a football game, Miggenand Daisy Chubb were arguing over what to cook. "We need to have chicken for those who don't eat meat!" Daisy insisted.
"Hamburgers. Hot dogs. Chips." Miggensaid simply, putting some burgers on the grill.
"But what if they don't like it?" Daisy asked shrilly.
"Hamburgers. Hot Dogs. Chips," Miggen repeated.
"Not everyone eats meat, you know!" Daisy pointed out.
"Oh, Mother," sighed Harry, the littlest Chubb. "Who ever heard of a hobbit that didn't eat meat?"
Daisy's response was drowned out by the menfolk's cheers. The Gondor Vertically Enhanced had just scored a touchdown against the Rohan Indigenous Peoples.
"Oh, look, there's Merry and Pippin breakdancing," Frodo commented, pointing to his cousins Merry Brandybuck (whose real name was Meriadoc, but no one ever called him that) and Peregrin Took (whose nickname had somehow become Pippin).
"Well, at least they're not playing with Gandalf's fireworks," Samwise Gamgee (who was more often called "Sam") reasoned.
"Do you remember the last time Gandalf came?" Frodo asked. "Those two got into the fireworks and sent the entire Marine Corps from Medal of Honor after us!"
"Oh, Mr. Frodo, don't worry about that," Sam said. "That was years ago. Merry and Pippin are much more mature than they were back then."
"Quick! Hurry! Let's go!" Merry yanked Pippin off the breakdance-floor.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Pippin asked, looking over his shoulder
"Of course!" Merry tried to assure his little cousin. "What's the worst that could happen? We're going to launch the Army of Darkness out of Gandalf's tailpipe!"
"And how do you propose that we do such a thing?" Pippin asked as they reached the Hummer.
Merry took out a bottle labeled "Army of Darkness" and popped the hood with Gandalf's keyring. "Where did you get those?" Pippin yelped.
Merry grinned devilishly. "Haven't you noticed Gandalf looking for his keys?"
Pippin gasped. "How did you find them?"
"They have a Clapper," Merry explained. "All I had to do was walk around and clap twice every five feet until I heard a beep. We were breakdancing so it didn't look unusual. Now hurry, let's do this before anyone sees us."
"Have you seen my keys?" Gandalf asked Random Hobbit #50. Random Hobbit #50 shook his head pitifully. He was rather proud of himself. It was the best acting he would do in a long time.
BOOM! All eyes turned towards the south. There was Gandalf's Hummer, with the Army of Darkness crawling out of the air conditioning vents.
"My Hummer! My Hummer!" Gandalf cried, running towards his car.
"Oh, no!" Pippin gasped. "Here comes Gandalf, Merry, run!"
"I can't!" Merry cried. "The Army of Darkness has us surrounded!" Indeed, the two hobbits were surrounded by green, medieval-looking creatures.
"YOU FOOLS!" Gandalf bellowed as he stormed towards the car.
"Help us, Gandalf!" Merry begged frantically as a Soldier of Darkness tried to shoot out his eyeballs. He failed miserably, however, because he wasn't real.
"No!" Gandalf snapped. "Let this be a lesson to you!" With that, he wandered off with fireworks from Star Wars, Pirates of the Caribbean, Spider-Man, and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen to entertain the hobbits.
After watching Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker duke it out, Bilbo decided that it was time for food and speeches (in that order, of course). When most had eaten their fill, Bilbo took his place in front of the hobbits and began his speech. Not being a very gifted public speaker, Bilbo had arranged for a teleprompter. That was a good move on his part, but having Merry and Pippin run it was not.
"My dear Bagginses and Boffins, Tooks and Brandybucks..." Bilbo stopped and simply stared ahead. The crowd stared back.
"The cake is burning!" Merry hissed, pointing to Bilbo's birthday cake. It was aflame.
"Oh...dear." Pippin said. "I'll run the teleprompter; you put out the fire."
"I don't trust you to run this!" Merry yelped.
"OK then, I'll put the fire out and you run the teleprompter!" Pippin suggested.
"I really don't trust you to put the fire out," Merry said.
"Quick! Change the slide!" Pippin gasped, seeing Bilbo's vacant stare.
The cake continued to burn.
"And...the rest of you," Bilbo said, making a good recovery. "I thank you all for turning up to this little shindig to celebrate my eleventy-first birthday."
"Why don't you just say 111th?" A slurred voice called from the crowd.
Bilbo dutifully ignored the obviously inebriated hobbit. Probably a Bracegirdle, he thought. They were worse than most hobbits when it came to ale. "Eleventy-one years is far to short a time to live among such excellent and admiral hobbits."
"He's supposed to say admirable," Pippin said.
Merry stole a glance at the screen. "It says 'admirable'," he said. "Maybe he's going blind."
Still the cake burned.
"I have half of half of you halfway in my half-conscious half-thoughts half the time, and the other half I have half of half of you in my half-conscious half-thoughts more than half as much as half of you halfway deserve," Bilbo rambled.
"Was that our fault?" Merry asked.
Pippin looked at the screen. "Nope. It says, 'I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as much as you deserve.'"
"Oh," Merry shrugged. "Close enough."
The cake was still on fire.
Meanwhile, the half of the hobbit in the audience that was not asleep looked confused, having been able to get little out of that latest sentence besides the word "half." Some began demanding to know who had spiked the punch. No verdict was reached before Bilbo began again.
"I have decided that I need to take a vacay," he said. "A very long vacay. I do not mean to return for a very long time. This is the end. I am going now. GOOD-BYE!"
With this, a sound came from Bilbo's direction-Deedeedee dee deedeedee dee deedeeedee dee deeeee-it sounded like a cellular phone going off. Bilbo picked a phone off his belt, held it to his ear...and vanished.
"That was definitely not us!" Merry and Pippin declared.
The cake was now so engulfed in flames that not even a hobbit would eat it.
Bilbo stepped into his hobbit-hole and took the Ringtone away from his ear. He was now visible again.
"I suppose you think that was very clever of you?" Gandalf asked. He was standing—or rather, crouching—in the doorway between the foyer and the kitchen.
"Indeed I do," Bilbo proclaimed. "Did you see the looks on their faces?"
"There are many annoying Ringtones in this world, Bilbo Baggins," Gandalf said severely. "And none of them should be used lightly, this least of all."
"It was just a bit of fun!" Bilbo tried to defend himself, pushing past Gandalf. He opened his suitcase and began packing.
"You think everything has gone according to plan?" Gandalf queried.
"Yes, yes," Bilbo confirmed, putting a frying pan in his backpack. "But I must say I was surprised by that white light. Some trick of yours to distract everyone?"
"That? Oh, no," Gandalf said dismissively. "Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and refracted the light from Venus."
"Oh," Bilbo said mildly, even though it seemed like an outlandish explanation. "As I was saying before, I need a vacay. A very long vacay. I don't think I'm going to come back." He stopped his packing and looked up. "In fact, I don't want to." He shook his head, and suddenly the usually spry hobbit looked like a knotted, weary oak tree. "I'm old, Gandalf," he said. "I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart of hearts."
"You have aged well," Gandalf admitted. "Is the rumor that you've never had BoTox or plastic surgery true?"
"Well, mostly," Bilbo said. "One BoTox, but don't tell anyone." He took a deep breath and went on. "I feel tired, like a gasoline engine running on fumes, or a computer running so many programs it's out of memory. I want to see mountains again, and find a quiet place with no IM where I can finish my blog. I have thought of a good ending for it: 'and he vanished from all society and lived happily ever after until he went off-line.'"
"That is a good ending," Gandalf affirmed. "However, I don't think anyone's going to read it. Your counter has been at 0 since you began."
"That's not true," Bilbo countered, zipping his suitcase. "Frodo has read some of it. At least twice. The counter is probably broken." He heaved his suitcase off the chair. "You will DirectConnect Frodo often, won't you?"
Gandalf nodded. "As often as I can spare the minutes. No free nights and weekends, you know."
"He would vacay with me if I let him," Bilbo said wistfully. "He offered to once. But I said no, he should vacay on his own. I'm leaving everything to him."
"Including your Ringtone?" Gandalf asked, raising his eyebrows pointedly.
"Yes, of course!" Bilbo said, getting his coat. "It's in the bubble wrap on the mantle." He stopped. "No, wait. It's...here on my belt." He took it off. "You know, I don't want to give it up," he said. "I think I'll keep it."
Warning bells went off in Gandalf's head. "I think you should leave it here," he said calmly. "No one takes a cell phone with them on vacay."
"Well, why shouldn't I?" Bilbo snapped. "It's mine! I found it! It came to me!"
"You've had that Ringtone long enough," Gandalf said gently, but firmly. "I think it should go to Frodo now."
Bilbo turned an accusing stare on Gandalf. "You want it for yourself!"
Gandalf decided it was time to use his sorcery and knock some sense into this hobbit. "BILBO BAGGINS!" He bellowed, making the room darker and himself appear taller. "Do not mistake me for a low-level lackey! I do not want to hurt you!" He lessened the effect and softened his voice. "I want to help you."
Bilbo dragged a hand over his eyes. "Oh, Gandalf! I'm so sorry!" He apologized. "But I felt tres bizarre. It would be kind of nice not to deal with the Ringtone anymore." He looked up at Gandalf and smiled. "I'm leaving it here."
"You have chosen wisely," Gandalf said approvingly. "Leave it here and give it to Frodo. I'll look after him."
Bilbo seemed to mull that over, and for a moment Gandalf feared they would have a repeat of the last two minutes. But the hobbit surprised him. "OK," he said. "I will." He took the Ringtone and hurled it across the room. It bounced off the wall and landed on the flagstone floor with a dull thud. It didn't even slide or bounce. "Well, I'm off!" He said, opening the door. "Good-bye, Gandalf!"
The wizard raised a hand in farewell. "Goodbye, Bilbo! Email me when you get to Rivendell!"
Bilbo nodded and left. As he did, Gandalf caught him singing an old Shire-tune:
On the road again
Just can't wait to get on the road again
The life I love is making music with my friends
And I can't wait to get on the road again
On the road again
Going places that I've never been
Seeing things that I may never see again
And I can't wait to get on the road again
Frodo came into the hobbit-hole soon afterwards. "Did he go?" He asked Gandalf, referring to Bilbo. "His Mini Cooper isn't in the driveway."
"Yes, he left," Gandalf said. "He said he'd go, and go he meant. The time had come, so Bilbo went. He's left you all of Bag End."
Frodo's face fell. "I'd really hoped it was a joke," he confessed. "He talked about it for so long I thought he'd never really do anything about it." Frodo looked around Bag End. "You know, like cleaning this place up."
"Don't worry about it," Gandalf assured the youngster. "Like I said, he's left you all of Bag End." He placed the Ringtone in a bubble wrap bag and sealed it with duct tape. "Along with all of his possessions." He handed the packaged Ringtone to Frodo. "Keep it secret, keep it safe! I am going to bed."
As newly appointed Master of Bag End, Frodo felt it his agonizing duty to bid all of the guests farewell. Rumors of the reason for Bilbo's departure were spreading like wildfire. A few uninvited guests, namely the media, had turned up. Frodo disliked reporters a great deal, and it seemed all he could say was "No comment."
It wasn't long before limo's carrying VIHs (Very Important Hobbits) showed up. Being experienced professionals with the media, they had some good advice for Frodo when it came to giving vague but polite answers. Frodo was initially very grateful, but his gratitude lessened a great deal when the VIHs barged into Bag End and looked for things that would be of use to them. Not surprisingly-seeing as they lived in a world of limos and red carpets and the like-they found nothing interesting. They charged out, most of them spewing gibberish about lawsuits and leaving Frodo with an even bigger mess than Bilbo had. When asked about Bilbo's whereabouts, Frodo held up an obnoxious black shirt with white lettering that read: "PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE THE REASON PEOPLE LIKE ME GO ON VACAY." "I found this on his bed. Do you know what it means?" Frodo would ask innocently. The VIH would typically get very huffy at this point and leave.
There were a few items Bilbo had left to certain people, so Frodo let those people in. Every item was (naturally) bubble wrapped, and there was a Post-It note on each declaring the owner.
For Adelard Took, for his VERY OWN, from Bilbo; on an iMac. Adelard was the Hobbiton's local techie. In addition to the iMac, Adelard also took various other technical items not marked for anyone.
For Dora Baggins, in memory of a LONG AND PAINFUL CORRESPONDENCE, love Bilbo; on a battery-operated paper shredder (with the batteries recently removed). Dora was 99 and had written several Chicken Soup for the Hobbit's Soul books, none of which Bilbo liked.
For MILO BURROWS, hoping it will be useful, from BB; on an answering machine. Milo never returned calls.
For ANGELICA'S USE, from Uncle Bilbo; on a gun rack. Angelica was a young Baggins with an affinity for firearms.
For HUGO BRACEGIRDLE, from a contributor; on an empty CD rack. Hugo was a great borrower of role-playing games, and worse than anyone in the Shire at returning them.
By the end of the night, Bilbo's hobbit-hole was significantly less cluttered, and Frodo was significantly more exhausted. Some obnoxious (and undoubtedly tweenaged) hobbit had started a chain letter saying that Bilbo's entire house was up for grabs (only if the letter was sent to 10 people within 10 minutes, of course). Many hobbits that had no business being there showed up to Bag End looking for free stuff. Post-It notes were switched and torn off, and anything that was unguarded or unclaimed left the home with a new owner. Fed up with his unwelcome guests, Frodo started a Text Message chain that said more free stuff was available at the Sackville-Bagginses (but only if the message was sent to 100 people by the next blue moon). The unwanted crowd dispersed, frantically sending the message on and trying to figure out when the next blue moon was. This was completely useless, of course, as there is no way to tell when a blue moon will come.
It took hours for everyone to find their bestowed items and leave. After chasing out the last hobbit, Frodo shut the door, locked it, and sat on the couch.
Knock-knock-knock. Frodo closed his eyes and gave a weary sigh. Probably Lobelia wanting Bilbo's credit cards, he thought. Lobelia had been convicted of identity theft twice, and Frodo suddenly had a horrid image of Bilbo speaking with Lobelia's voice on a Citi commercial. The knocking persisted, but Frodo was bound and determined not to answer.
"Frodo Baggins!" Gandalf's deep voice called, muffled slightly by the door. "If you do not answer, I shall drive my Hummer through your door all the way to the other side of the hill!"
"Gandalf!" Frodo bolted upright as if the chair had just thrown him out. "One moment!" He fiddled with the gazillions of locks on the door. Bilbo had always been paranoid. "There." He opened the door. "I'm so sorry! I thought it was Lobelia."
The gray-haired wizard stepped inside. "Then I forgive you," he said. "I just saw her, driving her old beat-up Subaru Loyale and trying to pilfer a credit card off Magnolia Boffin."
"She's been convicted of identity theft twice," Frodo closed the door. "I nearly used Bilbo's Ringtone to disappear."
Gandalf's eyes hardened. "Don't do that!" He hissed. "Frodo, that Ringtone is very dangerous. It's part of the reason I came back before leaving. What do you know of it already?"
"Only what Bilbo told me," Frodo said innocently. "I heard the story of how he got it."
"Ah, there are many accounts of that," Gandalf said. "Which did he tell you?"
"Not the one he told the dwarves and put on the blog," Frodo said. "He told me the true story when I came to live with him. He said 'the old wizard pestered me until I told him, Frodo my lad, so you ought to know, too.'"
"Really," Gandalf mused. "And what do you think of it all?"
"If you mean inventing all that about a present, I thought the true story much more likely. I couldn't see the point of altering it at all. It was very unlike Bilbo to do so, and I found it very odd."
"So did I, but odd things happen to people with such treasures, if they use them," Gandalf said. "Let it be a warning to you to be very careful with it. The Ringtone may have other powers than simply making you vanish whenever you feel like it."
"Bilbo said something about that." Frodo leaned forward in his chair. "It doesn't really make you vanish, does it?"
Gandalf shook his head. "A common misconception. It simply takes advantage of the reality that people using cellular phones are so common that the eye passes right over them. However, if the user wishes, it will make him truly vanish by using a substance called Quicksilver, which bends light around whatever it covers and makes it impossible to see it." Gandalf paused for a long moment before saying, "I have begun to wonder about that Ringtone since Bilbo left. Don't worry, but do take my advice and use it seldom, or, preferably, not at all. At the very least, don't use it in any way that will make others suspicious. I say again," the wizard leaned forward and Frodo was sure those blue eyes would burn holes right through him, "Keep it secret. Keep it safe."
"But what are you afraid of?" Frodo was beginning to get a little nervous.
"I'm not sure, so I'm going to hold my tongue for now. I might be able to tell you something when I get back. I'm leaving right now." Gandalf stood up.
"Now!" Frodo cried in dismay. "But you just got here! I thought you were sticking around awhile! I was looking forward to it. Things will be awfully lonely without Bilbo."
"I wanted to, but I have something to take care of," Gandalf explained. "I might be away for a very long time, and I will not visit the Shire openly again. I don't think people around here like me much anymore. They say I am a nuisance and a disturber of the peace. According to an email rumor that began circulating this morning, there is a plot between the two of us to get hold of your uncle's wealth."
Frodo groaned. "That must be Otho and Lobelia. How heinous of them. I'd give anything-including Bag End-if I could get Bilbo back." The young hobbit looked down at his hairy toes and said sadly, "I wonder if I'll ever see him again."
Gandalf laid a consoling hand on Frodo's shoulder. "As do I. I wonder about many other things. Take care of yourself and look for me especially at unlikely times. I shall come like a thief in the night. Goodbye!"
The haggard wizard pressed a button on his watch and his Hummer rolled up to the door. Gandalf opened the driver's side door and Frodo saw a young blond-haired girl. No sooner had he made those two observations than the girl was sucked back into the steering wheel.
"Wow!" Frodo exclaimed, amazed. "Does that come standard?"
"Sort of," Gandalf said. "It came with a black dude, but he kept getting pulled over. Farewell!"
Gandalf climbed into the Hummer and drove away. Frodo did not see him again for a very long time.