I Never Thought I Would Cry
By Pikashan61
I never thought I would cry. He was just the guy who stole my bike. Who knew I
would start to sob when I watched him disappear. It was the hardest thing, watching him
leave. Then when he was gone, I was more angry then anything. Because I realized that I
was at the same place I had been three years ago, trying to decide whether to run out over
that horizon, or to turn back and go home. It was as if he hadn't been there, as if he hadn't left
that indescribable mark on my heart. I never thought I would feel pain like that. It hurt more
then any physical pain in the world, that emptiness did. Someone had taken an invisible
knife to my heart, and it was impossible to get away. But the real pain didn't start until the
memories came. Crying, watching him leave, opened the dam of memories, and then the
most fearful thought struck me. What if forget how much he means to me? What if ...what if ,
when he disappeared, I had begun to forget.... all of it? As I stood there, I began to go
over every happy, sad, and scary moment, and every fight. I had often wished that we
could stop fighting on the journey, but, at that moment, all I wanted to do was call him an
idiot, and have him call me scrawny, and to fight, because at least then he would be there. I
didn't try to fall for him. In fact, I tried not to. It was as if, in some backwards way, he was
making me tumble deeper into this way I felt for him, every day, every minute. No matter
what I did, I couldn't stop it. I heard a saying once. People who aren't meant to be together
have to try to fall in love. People who are meant for each other have to try not to. Standing
there, watching that spot on the horizon where he had last been, gave me a new outlook on
the word soulmates. Ash had been a part of me. Ever think that growing up together
doesn't necessarily mean being together when you're a little kid? For three years, he and I
were together every day, every night, always. We had turned from kids to young adults.
We grew together. He... he was my best friend. When I think about it, we have changed
each other. He taught me that battling is more heart then skill, and that life is one big
challenge. He always meant that challenge head on, even when it seemed impossible.
There's another thing I learned. Nothing is impossible. Or, maybe, nothing was ever
impossible for Ash. He was as dense as a bullet-proof wall, but he had this unexplainable
inner fire, a drive to do the right thing. Maybe, I thought the journey would last forever. An
illusion of security. You don't know what you have, until it's gone. I found out a little too late.
Maybe, in the back of my mind, I knew how much it would hurt, and I was just too stubborn
to think about it. Because I knew that I couldn't live without Ash. At that moment,standing
there, I had no idea what to do. Was I supposed to yell out to him that I love him? Was I
supposed to call him back and tell him not to leave me? Tell him that, for the first time in my
life, I felt like belonged, and that I was with someone who cared about me. But I couldn't.
For the first time on our journey, I was speechless. Maybe, someday, this emptiness in my
stomach will feel smaller, and I won't think of him every second. Maybe, it won't seem like
my world has been shattered. Or, maybe he'll come back, and tell me that he missed me,
needs me, and he loves me as much as I love him. I love him. It's amazing how that one
fact can change a spot on the horizon forever. How a quick fishing trip can change your life.
How one wrecked bike can alter your reason for living. How a caring Pokemon trainer can
become that reason for living. I always thought I knew what I wanted. The truth was, I never
did know, until I was breaking from a hug that I never wanted to end. Because, as much as I
denied it, as much as I told myself what I was really there for, that incredible adventure was
the best experience of my life. Maybe, someday, I'll see him again. But until then, I'm
going to be surprised at the tears running down my cheeks because of the loss of him. The
guy who stole my bike. My enemy, my love. Standing here, wishing for just one more
fight. Crying. I never thought I would cry.
Comments? Flames? Large donations of money? A recipe for quiche? Send them all to pikashan61@yahoo.com