Gundarn Wing:
Continuing Polka
Scene opens with the original Gundarns battling Toto space Simbas. Then it changes to a
shot of Earth and some people standing around a Christmas tree.
Narrator: The war between the Outposts and the Earth Globe Alliance is over. Now
humanity looks forward to a new era of peace. The Alliance has followed Relentless
Wartrade's suggestions and has ordered the destruction of all mobile insulters. The
Gundarns have been sent on a resource disposal block toward the sun. This Christmas
marks the first Christmas in peace. But a new enemy is lurking in the darkness of space.
Shot of Hero sitting at a computer, typing away.
Shot of Trowel bowling a big one.
Shot of Wuf walking through a garden in China.
Shot of Duel playing pinball in an arcade.
Shot of Ketra sitting crosslegged on a cliff, meditating.
Scene 1: ????????????
Scene changes to Oin and the Old Guy at a Christmas party. The President is talking.
The President: Let us honor all those brave souls who died fighting a ridiculous war!
(President goes into a bunch of meaningless talking about stuff no one cares about. Oin
and the Old Guy walk away)
Old Guy: The President just doesn't get it.
Oin: I don't get him.
Old Guy: It's hard to talk about the war when you weren't really in it. I'm going to work
my computer.
Oin: C' ya.
Scene changes to the Old Guy working on a computer, hacking. He turns to the camera.
Old Guy: (to viewer) I learned some new skills over the series, like hacking! (gasps) Oh,
no! Oh bad, oh bad, oh bad, oh bad! I'd better notify a Gundarn pilot!
Scene changes to Ketra standing with representatives from the 40 Argonauts, including
Sunglasses and the Leader.
Ketra: Something's going on at the Bardon foundation! The Old Guy didn't elaborate, but
it's vital that we retrieve the Gundarns before they go into to the sun!
Argonaut #1: Do ya think we'll be able to catch up with the resource disposable block,
Mista Loser?
Ketra: We're going to have to.
Scene changes to Trowel standing with a girl at the bowling alley. There are a few people
bowling.
Girl: We're not very popular tonight.
Trowel: (noticing some men standing in the back) It seems the Alliance has spies here.
I'll check it out.
Girl: I hope they don't have anything to do with us, Trowel. Huh? Trowel?
Girl looks around. All that's left of Trowel is his bowling shoes.
Scene changes to Trowel beating up guys in business suits. He looks at a guy's ID.
Trowel: The Bardon foundation! Hmmmm.
Scene changes to Relentless Wartrade sitting at a table with a bunch of guys no one has
ever seen before.
Guy #1: The colonies only care about themselves. They are not combined, and cannot
fight together. This new peace calls for a new leader!
Guy #2: Someone like yourself, Ms. Wartrade.
Relentless: Peace is more important than almost anything in reality. Hero taught me that.
Guy #1: Who's Hero?
Relentless: I'll tell you later.
Suddenly a guy leaps out and stabs Relentless in the neck with a sixteen-inch needle.
Relentless: UHHHHHHH!!
Relentless falls over. Due to her excessive weight, the table flips over, nearly crushing
everyone there. A bunch of guards from the Bardon foundation run in.
Guy #2: Try not to beat her up anymore then she already is.
Scene changes to Hero working at a computer, the only light in the room. Duel enters.
Duel: Christmas! Yet there's always the geek who works on his computer! (walks up to
computer) Hey, I didn't know Trowel had a niece!
Hero: So the computer says. But Trowel isn't the real Trowel Bardon.
Duel: So then…You're not the real Hero Yueh!…And I'm not the real Duel Maxwell
House!…Nothing's real! It's all a government conspiracy! AAAAAAHHHHH!!
Duel runs around the room, screaming. Hero seems unaffected.
Hero: Her name is Martyr Maria Bardon. She was the niece of Trowel, and inherited the
Bardon corporation from her family. (gets up to leave)
Duel: You're leaving.
Hero: Relentless has gone missing.
Duel: (smiling) Hmmmm.. If you're going to check out the Bardon foundation, I'll go
with you.
Hero: Come on, then.
Scene changes to a huge group of Martyr Maria soldiers standing in a group next to
some mobile insulters. Daykom Bardon is standing in the front, with a microphone.
Daykom is a large man with a plumed hat and a 10-inch chin. Camera shows Trowel
standing in the midst of the soldiers.
Daykom: As of this day, you are all started on the road to GLORY! (emphasis on the
glory) But first, we must eliminate the enemy in our midst!
For a couple of seconds a soft tittering and murmur is heard, which reaches a gasp when
Daykom pulls out a long Uzi with six nozzles.
Daykom: Trowel Bardon, come to the front!
A close up of the Uzi firing. A slow-motion shot of Trowel bending over backwards at the
waist to dodge the bullets. The bullets stop and Daykom gapes at Trowel. Trowel senses
the pause and flips up in the air in a complex series of flips and twirls that no one would
ever do for an sensible reason. Trowel lands in front of Daykom and produces a pistol.
He looks up to see Wuf pointing a shotgun at his face.
Trowel: Huh, Wuf?
Scene changes to overhead shot of Relentless lying on a board floor. She wakes up.
Relentless: UHHHH!!
Relentless looks to see a chair at a desk. The chair is facing the window. A tinny, juvenile
and feminine voice comes from the chair.
Voice: Did you have a good slumber?
Relentless: What?
Chair, slowly and with much effort, turns around. In the chair is Martyr Maria Bardon.
She is about 9 or 10 years old and acts like it too. She is dressed in a tacky orange jacket
and jeans.
Relentless: Who are you?
Martyr: My name is Martyr Maria Kooshrenada, the daughter of Quattor Kooshrenada. I
have inherited this colony and will carry out my father's wishes!
Relentless: What? You must be joking.
Martyr: This is no joke. My father entrusted me with these legions of new mobile
insulters, the Snake Unique. Soon, the people of Earth will know what it is like to have
no more war and a new leader! (Laughs insanely, or about as insanely as a ten year old
girl can sound.)
Relentless: Namely, a ten year old girl who can't even scoot herself around in a revolving
chair right.
Martyr: Miss Relentless, I will be the new ruler of Earth and I will not allow obnoxious
comments from you! (Looks all steamed)
Relentless: Hmmm.
Scene changes to Duel and Hero cruising along in their shuttle. Hero has his eyes closed.
Duel: We should be arriving there soon, Hero. Hero? Hey, Hero! Wake up, Hero! (leans
back with his eyes shut) If you wanted to nap, why didn't you say so?
Hero: I don't nap.
Duel: Whatever.
Flashback for Hero. Shot of him leaping a fence about five times taller then he is, then
running away.
Hero: Run, run, run!
Hero runs to a small meadow, then lies down, laughing. A little girl comes up to him with
a little furry mop who's supposed to be a dog.
Girl: Hi! Are you lost?
Hero: I'm the middle of a big city, how could I be lost?
Girl: Whatever. I'm not lost at all! I'm taking Mass out for a walk!
Hero: Fitting name.
Girl: (being pulled away by her slow-moving dog) Hey, wait up, Mass!
Hero stands up, and takes out a joystick. He presses the top button, and the compound
behind him explodes.
Hero: Mission complete.
Suddenly a Simba falls onto a building, and the city catches on fire. Hero gasps.
Widescreen shot of the city burning, and a lot of death and destruction. Hero finds the
dead dog when it's all over, and picks it up.
Flashback changes to Hero walking with the dead mop with a light on him. Voices are
heard.
Voice #1: That's nutty! Are you suggesting the use of a Gundarn as a tool for a
slaughterhouse?
Voice #2: What? Are you suggesting that I'm suggesting the use of a Gundarn as a tool
for a slaughterhouse? This means war!
Crashes and sounds of fighting are heard in the background. Hero seems unaffected.
Voice #1: All right! Truce, truce! Reprogram Yueh again!
Voice #3: But sir, don't you think Hero Yueh would be mad if we took away his
humanity?
Voice #2: Probably not.
Scene changes to Duel and Hero running the Bardon blockade. They avoid shots fired
from Space Capricorns.
Duo: What do ya think of my mad shuttle piloting skills, Hero?
Hero: I think I could do better.
Duo: Oh yeah? You drive! (Duo hands a rather fake-looking steering wheel over to
Hero, who looks frightened)
Hero: No, you fool! (grabs the wheel. Shot of the shuttle bucking suddenly, then taking a
new course)
Shuttle comes up on a hole in the side of the colony. Two Capricorns block the way.
Hero: MOVE, YOU FOOLS!
The first half of the shuttle continues as normal, but the second half goes out on it's own.
The first half rams a Capricorn, and the other goes in the hole.
Duel: YESSSSSS!!!!!
Scene changes to Ketra and the 40 Argonauts on the bridge of a interplanetary ship.
Ketra: It's up to us to retrieve the Gundarns. The fate of the Earth is at stake. I just hope
we aren't too late.
Sunglasses: Don't worry, Mista Loser. We can retrieve the Gundarns with time to spare if
we do this: First, activate the trans-polarizer drive for 3.657 seconds along the route of
Spacial Grid 938. At 1.7 hours along the route, activate the thermal-kinetic thruster to
align with Jupiter's third moon. To get the power to do that, we must rewire the
polytermoid circuits to fuse with the main power core. When we get close to the Gundarn
ship, we will send out a reverse magnetic field to extend around the ship. From there, we
can extend a metirope across approximately 5.6 feet…
Sunglasses goes on spewing technobabble, while the other 39 Argonauts and Ketra listen
intently, as if they knew what he was talking about.
Sunglasses: …by connecting it to the ion control module! It's almost too easy.
Scene changes to Oin and Salami sitting in a space ship.
Salami: Hey, Oin! That little girls' about to issue a intergalactic statement!
Oin: Oh, boy! (grabs a Pepsi)
Martyr Maria appears on the viewer. Behind her a band is playing 'Yankee Doodle'.
Martyr: We at Colony 3.141592654 wish to declare our independence from the Earth
Globe Alliance. And, at the same time, wish to declare war upon the nation. My name is
Martyr Maria Kooshrenada. Daughter of Quattor Kooshrenada
Scene shows people standing in a town square staring up at a big screen. Shouts are
heard like "His daughter!" "Colony 3.141592654?" "Who the heck is Quattor
Kooshrenanda?"
Salami: She must be the one with those mobile insulters I had heard about!
Oin: We'd better get back to Earth, fast!
Scene changes to Duel fighting mobile insulters in a Simba.
Duel: Ha! (critical hit, kills an enemy)
Suddenly, a Snake Unique appears, and shoots at Duel. He leaps back.
Duel: Man, this guys' good!
Duel's Simba hides behind a pillar. Barbs rake the pillar and nearby wall.
Duel: Wait a minute! I know this tactic!
Shot of Trowel at the controls, shooting.
Duel: There's no mistaking it now! Ketra's in there! (beep) Ketra, why have you betrayed
us!
Trowel: I'm not Ketra!
Duel: (gasps) It's Trowel! This treachery is worse then I thought! Well, take this!
Duel leaps out, but gets shot up, and falls over. The Snake Unique walks forward, and
opens up its missile launchers.
Duel: You, you're not serious!
Trowel: Of course I'm serious! I'm serious about everything! I've never smiled once!
Missiles fire, and streak toward Duel's Simba.
Duel: So this'll end everything, will it?
Trowel: It will for you.
Flashback for Duel. Opens with Duel putting bombs on Deathspatula. He jumps down,
and runs to a nearby packing crate for cover. He holds up a joystick.
Duel: So this'll end everything.
Duel presses the top button. Nothing happens.
Duel: (shaking the joystick) Darn it! Why won't he explode!
Suddenly Scientist Q comes walking up. Q has a banana shaped nose, and has sheet-like
gray hair. He speaks in a high nasal voice, and we believe he may be related to Dyslexic
and Muellard.
Q: Duel! (Bolts fall at Q's feet) Deathspatula is what I put all my meaningless life into. I
would hate to see you destroy it. (reaches into Duel's coat, and pulls out a revolver) I see
you were planning to shoot me when you were done.
Duel: I was planning to shoot everyone here, but I didn't plan that part very well.
Q: If you're prepared to shoot everyone here, you might want some ammo. (changes the
subject) Duel, why don't you swipe Deathspatula?
Duel: Swipe him?
Q: Go with it to Earth. Just ignore Operation Meteorite.
Duel: I will! (Q walks off)
Duel: (flipping the revolver around on his finger) Well, how about that! (the gun goes off,
startling him)
Flashback for Trowel. He is inside a Simba, marching.
Trowel: (thinking) I am not Trowel. I am a nameless bowler who's been at the bowling
alley for as long as I can remember.
Scene changes to Trowel in fatigues working on a catwalk in front of Heavyfeet.
Trowel's Voice: When I first met this guy called Trowel, I was working on Heavyfeet.
Shot of big burly guy facing Scientist F, (designer of Heavyfeet) and a guy.
Guy: What are you talking about? I'm going to complete Operation Meteorite whether
you like it or not!
F: But, Trowel, if you do Operation Meteorite, 2 billion people will die!
Trowel: Tough for them! At least they aren't me!
F: That's no way to look at life!
Trowel: (walking away) I'm going to complete the will of my fath- (bang) UHHHH!!
Trowel falls to the catwalk, stumbles around a little, then falls off the catwalk,
plummeting to his death. Shot of the guy holding a gun.
Guy: I…Couldn't let…him!
F: Nice going!
Guy: You could support me; who's that!
Our Trowel comes around the corner.
Trowel: You can shoot me if you want to, but I should warn you I'll probably die.
Guy: Were…you watching us?
F: No, (looking at the splattered remains of Trowel) they'll find about this anyway.
Trowel: I was feeling insecure without a name, (looks at remains, too) I'll take his.
F: Fine! As of this day, your name is Trowel Bardon!
Scene changes to Hero beating up Simbas. Suddenly Nutcake appears, and faces his
Simba.
Hero: Wuf?
Nutcake takes out his double-headed insult fork, and charges. The two exchange blows.
Hero: Wuf, press the self-detonate button!
Wuf: Never!
Hero: Wuf! Press the button!
Wuf: And if I don't?
Hero: I'll kill you anyway!
Battle continues. Hero's Simba suddenly has it's army sliced off, and the cockpit opens.
Shot changes to Trowel's missiles narrowly missing Duel, and hitting the ground. Smoke
insures, during which Trowel and Hero disappear. Duel gets out.
Duel: I'M ALLLIIIVVVEEEE!!!!! HALLELUJAH!
Scene changes to Ketra and the 40 Argonauts.
Ketra: (in an airlock) We're coming up on the Gundarn Disposal Block!
Sunglasses: Time to impact….5…..4…..3…2….1!
Rope extends from the ship to the Gundarn ship. Ketra goes sliding across it. The ship
starts to break apart.
Ketra: EERRRRRRR!!!
Argonauts: Gasp!
Ketra falls off, then hits the ship. He bounces off, then starts bouncing between the two
ships like a yellow ping-pong ball. Argonauts gasp again, but he eventually slows down
and stops.
Ketra: UHHHHH….
Leader: Are you okay, Mr. Loser?
Ketra: I'm fine! See you at Earth!
Shot of Ketra floating through the resource disposal block. He finally arrives at the cargo
bay, which contains the Gundarns.
Ketra: So, Mr. Grainstone, we meet again.
Flashback for Ketra. Shows him standing with Scientist S, who designed Grainstone. S
appears to be a midget, with a mustache so hard he could stab people with it.
Ketra: A self-detonate button?
S: Yes. It is believed that anyone with sufficient power should be able to take it away.
Ketra: But what if I hit it accidentally?
S: Don't worry, Ketra. You're not that stupid.
Ketra: Oh, dear.
S: But, Ketra, (smashes computer console) ignore this thing. Fight as you think you
should. You'll do fine.
Ketra: Thanks! (he leaves.)
S looks out on Ketra getting into Grainstone.
S: (thinking) I can't take away his kindness and generosity. And I certainly can't take
away his stupidity and his tendency to get attached to inanimate objects. I only hope this
isn't a worse fate for him than Operation Meteorite.
Scene changes to the Old Guy sitting at a desk, talking to a computer. The president's
voice is heard from it.
Old Guy: It seems they have mobile insulters, sir! And due to the Insulter Act, we don't
have any left!
President: I don't care! Your department is getting sufficient funding to prevent this kind
of thing from happening!
Old Guy: Eh, what'd you say? My ears just aren't what they used to be.
President: STOP THEM!!!! (hangs up)
Old Guy: (talking to camera) I always use the ear thing when I don't like what they're
saying. (to himself) I can stand here and use the ear thing all day, but the point is, I don't
think we can stop them! I hope the Gundarns can help us!
Hex's Voice: Hello, Old Guy.
Old Guy: Huh?
Hex steps into the light.
Hex: I've come to request a code name. If possible, I'd like the code name "Boot."
Fitting for one who stamps out sparks.
Old Guy: I'll see what I can do.
Shot of Daykom standing on the bridge of a ship, facing Earth.
Soldier: Snake troops departing the ship, sir. Commencing with the invasion.
Daykom: He he he!
Soldier: (flashing light) Sir! There's another mobile insulter approaching! It's the
Shortduck!
Daykom: Quattor? No, it can't be! Must be Hex!
Soldier: He's in the Shortduck IV!
Daykom: Shortduck IV? What happened to Shortduck II and III?
Soldier: Well, when it was decided to make a movie, we decided that a new Shortduck
was necessary. And Shortduck II and III sound too much like sequel numbers, so we
skipped to IV.
Daykom: Makes sense.
Shot of Hex in the Shortduck destroying Snake Uniques. The Shortduck turns to face the
ship. Eventually, his face appears on the viewer.
Daykom: Hex Markey! I thought you were dead.
Hex: I am. (Hex grabs his left arm, and falls out of the viewers range. Gasps and cheers
are heard from the crew. Suddenly, Hex pops back up again)
Hex: Just kidding! Daykom Bardon, stand down your troops!
Daykom: I dare you to fire on us!
Hex: I'll take that dare. (reaches for an unseen control)
Daykom: No! Wait! You didn't let me finish! (Hex stops) If you shoot us, we'll drop this
outpost onto earth!
Hex: ERRRR…
Daykom: HA HA HA HA HA! Commence invasion!
Scene changes to Hero and Duel gunning down guards. A counter is scrolling up at the
bottom of the screen, saying "Kill Count." The pair are standing in a pile of clips.
Hero: (speaking loudly over gunshots) We'd better end this, fast! (the two dive behind a
corner)
Duel: I know just the thing! (takes a bazooka out of his hair)
Duel steps around the corner, and lets loose a bazooka rocket. Shot of the two stepping
into a door right before a fireball erupts down the corridor.
Trowel's Voice: What took you so long?
Duel: (looks relaxed, puts his bazooka back in his hair) Well, what do you know? Trowel
Bardon!
Trowel: Shut up and start hacking.
Hero: What's going on?
Trowel: I found out that Daykom's plans were actually the original Operation Meteorite,
this was the only thing I could think of to stop him. Only it's taking too long.
Hero: Let's get started, then!
Some time passes. Guards start shouting at the door.
Duel: I did it! Hey, I got some mail from Ketra!
Shot of Ketra's face on a screen.
Ketra: This is Ketra, in case you can't recognize me. I've secured the Gundarn supply
ship. I'm heading for earth.
Hero: Tell Ketra I can't recognize him. And also, send Whiff Zero on a course for AA
mark 74.
Duel: Huh?
Hero: I'll pick it up in space.
Guard: (outside) Break the door down! ("Yeays" are heard.)
Hero: Duel, I have a favor to ask.
Duel: (walking up) What's the matter? Suddenly you're asking me for all these favors!
Hero: Smack me. Now.
Duel: Huh? Smack you?
Hero: Hurry up.
Duel: (winding up) Well, ok. I'll get ya my best kick.
Duel runs down the room at Hero. When he gets close enough, Duel leaps in the air and
hits Hero squarely in the chest with a terrific jumping kick. Hero doesn't move an inch
and Duel drops back on his feet. Instantly Hero brings his foot up for a paralyzing kick to
the kneecap.
Duel: Uhhh. Why? (In agony)
Hero: For your own good, that's why.
Duel falls to the floor, clutching his knee.
Hero: He's all yours, Trowel.
Trowel: Right.
Hero lies down on the floor next to Duel. The soldiers break into the room.
Trowel: I defeated the intruders.
Guard: Great!
As the soldiers surround Hero and Duel, Hero jumps up and runs out the door. The
soldiers yell in alarm, but oddly enough do not fire.
Scene changes to Shortduck facing the ship.
Hex: This is Boot. I'm destroying the ship.
Shortduck fires it's Doby gun. The ship explodes, but a shuttle escapes. Shot of Daykom.
Daykom: HA HA HA!
Shortduck turns towards the shuttle, and prepares to fire.
Daykom: No! Hex! Don't fire!
Hex: Why not?
Daykom: It's not good for the storyline! I have to die a real dramatic death!
Hex: And this isn't?
Daykom: No!
Hex: Oh, well, then. In that case…..ERRRRR!!!
Daykom: (laughing lightly) Uhhhh… You were a little late! See you again!
Really cool music begins playing. Shot of Hero flying on a shuttle.
Shot of Duel standing in darkness.
Shot of Snake Uniques landing on earth.
Shot of Martyr Maria, Relentless, and the Old Guy standing together.
Shot of Daykom standing in the midst of soldiers, grinning like an idiot.
Shot of Nutcake flying in orbit of earth.
Scene changes to Hero flying in a shuttle. He comes up on a capsule.
Hero: (talking to himself) It's here.
Hero jumps out of the shuttle, and lands on the capsule. He climbs in, and powers up
Whiff Zero. He takes off.
Part 2: ?????????????
Shot of Whiff Zero cruising through space toward Earth. Nutcake is waiting for him.
Wuf: He's here.
Hero: I'm coming to earth, Wuf. Out of my way.
Wuf: NEVER!!!
Nutcake charges, the two duel in orbit with insult sword and insult trident.
Wuf: Hero, I..( Editors Note: At this point, Wuf lapses into talking about meaningless
philosophical babbling. The editors have decided to edit the details out, because, due to
the only action-receptive audiences of the twenty-first century, we decided to remove the
meaningless philosophical talking about why our heroes are fighting. Thank you for your
time. We now return to our original program)…And I will become evil itself to do it!
Hero: (gasps) Evil!
Wuf: Yes! (his words are punctuated by sounds of fighting)
Battle continues. It seems to go nowhere.
Shot of Duel standing in darkness.
Duel: I'm bustin' out of here! (takes a sledgehammer out of his hair)
Shot of two guards standing in front of a door. Suddenly a large dent appears in it.
Guard #1: Huh?
The door falls through, falling on the guards. Duel runs through, putting the hammer
back in his hair. He runs onto a shuttle, which contains Trowel.
Trowel: Let's go.
The shuttle blasts off.
Scene changes to Duel, Ketra, and Trowel standing in the Gundarn ship.
Duel: Now that we're all united, let's go!
Ketra: I've always wanted to take Grainstone out again!
Trowel: I think we should go. However, I do not think we will survive.
The pilots get into their respective Gundarns. Shot of Grainstone slicing open the hanger
door with it's cooping saws.
Duel: Uh, you could just open the door.
Trowel: A dramatic opening works for better publicity.
Ketra: And cooler commercials.
Duel: Oh.
The Gundarns blast off for Earth.
Scene changes to Wuf and Hero doing battle. Suddenly Hero takes a massive hit to Whiff
Zero.
Hero: I…won't….keep….fighting!
Wuf: Gasp!
Whiff Zero starts plummeting toward the sea, smoking.
Hero: Whiff won't tell me, Wuf. Answer me, Wuf!
Wuf looks like he's about to cry. Or throw up. Or both.
Whiff Zero plunges into the sea. Shot of Nutcake facing an exploding outpost. Wuf
screams, and sudden blackout.
Scene changes to Relentless looking out the window in the World Headquarters house in
Guatemala City. Suddenly the entire house sinks into the ground and it's shaft is then
covered with steel doors, force fields, cages and others assortments.
Martyr Maria enters the room.
Martyr Maria: My castle is now safe!
Relentless: You can say that again.
Martyr Maria: My castle is now safe! (Words appear across the screen: Famous Martyr
Maria quote scene) Life is much like a continuing polka. The three beats of good, bad
and just plain boring continue on endlessly. (gets all dreamy eyed) But on the day of my
acceptance of power all that will change. From now on, life will just be boring!
Relentless: AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
Martyr Maria: Oh, please, Miss Relentless, it won't be that bad.
Relentless: Yes, it will.
Martyr Maria: Oh, please, Miss Relentless…
Scene changes to two Snake Unique insulters standing in a city street. Suddenly they are
both fired upon and destroyed. The Shortduck IV and a red and white Capricorn land
where they were.
Oin: Why are we doing this, Hex? We can't do anything.
Hex: What are you talking about, Oin? We just destroyed two Snake Uniques!
Oin: I mean, something earthshaking, like rescuing Miss Relentless!
Hex: I know, but I just love fighting and I can't just sit by watching.
Oin: OK.
Shortduck pulls out its sword and slices apart another three Snakes. Capricorn levels its
gun and blows another away.
Scene changes to Hex and Oin battling overwhelming odds.
Hex: Oin, I don't think we'll win this!
Oin: I'll never leave your side, Hex!
Hex: Wait! (flashing light) There's more mobile insulters approaching!
Oin: It's the Gundarns!
Grainstone leaps into the fray and slices apart three Snakes.
Ketra: (raising his glasses) I'm impressed! You've destroyed this many without getting
blown up yourselves!
Hex: You should be.
Heavyfeet leaps up into the air, does a lot of unnecessary spins and flips, then lands,
firing its barbs.
Trowel: I'm back.
Deathspatula leaps up into the air, framed in the moon. Then it comes down, slicing
Snakes.
Duel: What do ya think of my Batman entrance, Trowel?
Trowel: I think mine was better.
Battle continues.
Hex: There's still about 250 insulters left. that makes about 50 insulters each.
Oin: But I'm just in a regular mobile insulter. I'm no good!
Hex: OK, so about 72 suits each
Ketra: But my Gundarns' really bad! I'll probably get a saw shot off! (A shot rings out
and one of Grainstone's coping saws breaks apart)
Hex: OK, so about 90 suits each.
Trowel: But the first three seconds of battle have past, so my Gundarns' no good
anymore.
Hex: OK, so that's about 125 suits each!
Duel: BRING IT ON!!!
The battle commences. The Gundarns begin to lose. It looks hopeless.
Oin: It looks hopeless, Hex!
Hex: Oin, you'd better leave.
Oin: Hex, I once said I'd never leave your side! (nice music starts playing)
Hex: Oin….
Oin: Hex….
Duel: Hex…Oin….
Hex and Oin: (together) Duel!
Duel: Yesh. You guys ought to be fighting anyway.
Scene changes to Martyr, Relentless, and Daykom in a command center.
Martyr: (smiling) They can't break through my shield! Their fight here is meaningless.
Relentless: They seem to be doing a pretty good job, though.
Martyr: (exasperated) Ms. Relentless, I've said it before, (looks steamed) OBNOXIOIUS
COMMENTS WON'T BE TOLERATED!
Relentless: Yikes.
Daykom: The Gundarns! How long do those kids tend to stop me! Send the Snake troops
to point D!
Soldier: Sir! There's another Gundarn approaching!
Daykom: What?
Shot of Whiff Zero in the sky, holding it's cannon. Shot of Hero on the command center
viewer.
Relentless: Hero!
Hero: Surrender, Martyr Maria.
Martyr: I dare you to fire! Soon you will see just how helpless you are!
Hero: OK.
Martyr: Uhhh!!!!
Whiff Zero fires, a massive, writhing beam of energy shooting down from the sky. The
mighty pencil-thin lance of destruction comes down through the clouds like a blast of
sunlight. It strikes the ground, it's unthinkable energy coming to rest in terrible waves of
destruction.
Hero: Dang! I missed!
Soldier: Whiff Zero's aim is inaccurate down to twenty miles!
Daykom: It's lucky he didn't hit one of his friends!
Martyr: But he demolished the mime school! (starts crying)
Soldier 2: Don't worry, Ms. Martyr Maria. You'll rebuild it.
Hero: I'd better adjust my aim.
Whiff Zero fires again. Lots of crashing and destruction take place inside the command
center. Lots of soldiers die. Whiff Zero fires again. Old Guy comes hobbling in on his
walking stick.
Martyr: What's going on?
Old Guy: Are you afraid, Martyr Maria? (looks at camera) I came in with just enough
time for a cool quote.
Daykom: (to Hero) Don't fire again! Remember, Ms. Relentless Wartrade is in here!
Shot of Whiff Zero. It's starting to fall apart. It's guns fall off. Suddenly, it plummets,
falling to earth.
Relentless, Trowel, Oin, Duel, Hex, Martyr, and the Old Guy: Gasp!
Whiff Zero hits the top of the bunker. More explosions down where our heroes are.
Daykom: No! We can't be defeated! (turns around) Ms. Martyr Maria! Take your
position as world leader!
Martyr: (walking toward him) I…will…win!
Relentless: (stepping in front of Martyr with the Old Guy) Allow me.
Relentless slaps Matyr Maria, and the Old Guy clubs her with his stick.
Daykom: (taking out his six-barreled Uzi) Stop right there, Ms. Relentless Wartrade!
Relentless: If you want to kill me, go ahead.
Daykom: I will. (he fires)
Martyr leaps in front, and catches the hail of bullets. She falls down and gasps.
Relentless: No! Martyr Maria! We can still save her!
Old Guy: What are you talking about? She's riddled! Like Swiss Cheese!
Relentless: Shut up, Old Guy! You should go back to flying planes!
Daykom: Now, prepare to die, Ms. Relentless Wartrade! (bang) UHHHH!!
Daykom collapses. Shot of Ketra holding a gun.
Relentless: Ketra? What are you doing here?
Ketra: Well, the script called for a random guy, so I though I'd fill in. C'ya. (he walks off)
Relentless and the Old Guy lean over Martyr Maria.
Relentless: Martyr Maria, stay alive!
Hero: (coming in) I'll save you of the trouble. (shot of Hero holding a gun)
Relentless: Hero!
Martyr: Please….
Hero fires, but there's no bullets.
Hero: I have killed Martyr Maria, and I won't hurt another fly. (collapses)
Relentless: HEEERRROOOO!!
Relentless grabs for Hero, but misses and he falls to the ground with a splat. Medics rush
in, and haul off Hero and Martyr Maria. Scene changes to Trowel, Ketra, and Duel
standing on a hill, with their respective Gundarns in front of them, being hauled into a
mine.
Ketra: Are you sure this is the best idea?
Trowel: They should be kept ready, in case someone like Martyr Maria comes back.
Ketra: That's a stupid idea!
Duel: Well, it makes room for a second sequel.
Shot of Nutcake being lowered into a mine, in front of Wuf.
Wuf: Nutcake, may you rest in peace. Literally.
Cool music starts.
Shot of Hero sitting at a computer, typing away.
Shot of Trowel bowling a big one.
Shot of Wuf walking through a garden in China.
Shot of Duel playing pinball in an arcade.
Shot of Ketra partying with the 40 Argonauts.
Continuing Polka
Scene opens with the original Gundarns battling Toto space Simbas. Then it changes to a
shot of Earth and some people standing around a Christmas tree.
Narrator: The war between the Outposts and the Earth Globe Alliance is over. Now
humanity looks forward to a new era of peace. The Alliance has followed Relentless
Wartrade's suggestions and has ordered the destruction of all mobile insulters. The
Gundarns have been sent on a resource disposal block toward the sun. This Christmas
marks the first Christmas in peace. But a new enemy is lurking in the darkness of space.
Shot of Hero sitting at a computer, typing away.
Shot of Trowel bowling a big one.
Shot of Wuf walking through a garden in China.
Shot of Duel playing pinball in an arcade.
Shot of Ketra sitting crosslegged on a cliff, meditating.
Scene 1: ????????????
Scene changes to Oin and the Old Guy at a Christmas party. The President is talking.
The President: Let us honor all those brave souls who died fighting a ridiculous war!
(President goes into a bunch of meaningless talking about stuff no one cares about. Oin
and the Old Guy walk away)
Old Guy: The President just doesn't get it.
Oin: I don't get him.
Old Guy: It's hard to talk about the war when you weren't really in it. I'm going to work
my computer.
Oin: C' ya.
Scene changes to the Old Guy working on a computer, hacking. He turns to the camera.
Old Guy: (to viewer) I learned some new skills over the series, like hacking! (gasps) Oh,
no! Oh bad, oh bad, oh bad, oh bad! I'd better notify a Gundarn pilot!
Scene changes to Ketra standing with representatives from the 40 Argonauts, including
Sunglasses and the Leader.
Ketra: Something's going on at the Bardon foundation! The Old Guy didn't elaborate, but
it's vital that we retrieve the Gundarns before they go into to the sun!
Argonaut #1: Do ya think we'll be able to catch up with the resource disposable block,
Mista Loser?
Ketra: We're going to have to.
Scene changes to Trowel standing with a girl at the bowling alley. There are a few people
bowling.
Girl: We're not very popular tonight.
Trowel: (noticing some men standing in the back) It seems the Alliance has spies here.
I'll check it out.
Girl: I hope they don't have anything to do with us, Trowel. Huh? Trowel?
Girl looks around. All that's left of Trowel is his bowling shoes.
Scene changes to Trowel beating up guys in business suits. He looks at a guy's ID.
Trowel: The Bardon foundation! Hmmmm.
Scene changes to Relentless Wartrade sitting at a table with a bunch of guys no one has
ever seen before.
Guy #1: The colonies only care about themselves. They are not combined, and cannot
fight together. This new peace calls for a new leader!
Guy #2: Someone like yourself, Ms. Wartrade.
Relentless: Peace is more important than almost anything in reality. Hero taught me that.
Guy #1: Who's Hero?
Relentless: I'll tell you later.
Suddenly a guy leaps out and stabs Relentless in the neck with a sixteen-inch needle.
Relentless: UHHHHHHH!!
Relentless falls over. Due to her excessive weight, the table flips over, nearly crushing
everyone there. A bunch of guards from the Bardon foundation run in.
Guy #2: Try not to beat her up anymore then she already is.
Scene changes to Hero working at a computer, the only light in the room. Duel enters.
Duel: Christmas! Yet there's always the geek who works on his computer! (walks up to
computer) Hey, I didn't know Trowel had a niece!
Hero: So the computer says. But Trowel isn't the real Trowel Bardon.
Duel: So then…You're not the real Hero Yueh!…And I'm not the real Duel Maxwell
House!…Nothing's real! It's all a government conspiracy! AAAAAAHHHHH!!
Duel runs around the room, screaming. Hero seems unaffected.
Hero: Her name is Martyr Maria Bardon. She was the niece of Trowel, and inherited the
Bardon corporation from her family. (gets up to leave)
Duel: You're leaving.
Hero: Relentless has gone missing.
Duel: (smiling) Hmmmm.. If you're going to check out the Bardon foundation, I'll go
with you.
Hero: Come on, then.
Scene changes to a huge group of Martyr Maria soldiers standing in a group next to
some mobile insulters. Daykom Bardon is standing in the front, with a microphone.
Daykom is a large man with a plumed hat and a 10-inch chin. Camera shows Trowel
standing in the midst of the soldiers.
Daykom: As of this day, you are all started on the road to GLORY! (emphasis on the
glory) But first, we must eliminate the enemy in our midst!
For a couple of seconds a soft tittering and murmur is heard, which reaches a gasp when
Daykom pulls out a long Uzi with six nozzles.
Daykom: Trowel Bardon, come to the front!
A close up of the Uzi firing. A slow-motion shot of Trowel bending over backwards at the
waist to dodge the bullets. The bullets stop and Daykom gapes at Trowel. Trowel senses
the pause and flips up in the air in a complex series of flips and twirls that no one would
ever do for an sensible reason. Trowel lands in front of Daykom and produces a pistol.
He looks up to see Wuf pointing a shotgun at his face.
Trowel: Huh, Wuf?
Scene changes to overhead shot of Relentless lying on a board floor. She wakes up.
Relentless: UHHHH!!
Relentless looks to see a chair at a desk. The chair is facing the window. A tinny, juvenile
and feminine voice comes from the chair.
Voice: Did you have a good slumber?
Relentless: What?
Chair, slowly and with much effort, turns around. In the chair is Martyr Maria Bardon.
She is about 9 or 10 years old and acts like it too. She is dressed in a tacky orange jacket
and jeans.
Relentless: Who are you?
Martyr: My name is Martyr Maria Kooshrenada, the daughter of Quattor Kooshrenada. I
have inherited this colony and will carry out my father's wishes!
Relentless: What? You must be joking.
Martyr: This is no joke. My father entrusted me with these legions of new mobile
insulters, the Snake Unique. Soon, the people of Earth will know what it is like to have
no more war and a new leader! (Laughs insanely, or about as insanely as a ten year old
girl can sound.)
Relentless: Namely, a ten year old girl who can't even scoot herself around in a revolving
chair right.
Martyr: Miss Relentless, I will be the new ruler of Earth and I will not allow obnoxious
comments from you! (Looks all steamed)
Relentless: Hmmm.
Scene changes to Duel and Hero cruising along in their shuttle. Hero has his eyes closed.
Duel: We should be arriving there soon, Hero. Hero? Hey, Hero! Wake up, Hero! (leans
back with his eyes shut) If you wanted to nap, why didn't you say so?
Hero: I don't nap.
Duel: Whatever.
Flashback for Hero. Shot of him leaping a fence about five times taller then he is, then
running away.
Hero: Run, run, run!
Hero runs to a small meadow, then lies down, laughing. A little girl comes up to him with
a little furry mop who's supposed to be a dog.
Girl: Hi! Are you lost?
Hero: I'm the middle of a big city, how could I be lost?
Girl: Whatever. I'm not lost at all! I'm taking Mass out for a walk!
Hero: Fitting name.
Girl: (being pulled away by her slow-moving dog) Hey, wait up, Mass!
Hero stands up, and takes out a joystick. He presses the top button, and the compound
behind him explodes.
Hero: Mission complete.
Suddenly a Simba falls onto a building, and the city catches on fire. Hero gasps.
Widescreen shot of the city burning, and a lot of death and destruction. Hero finds the
dead dog when it's all over, and picks it up.
Flashback changes to Hero walking with the dead mop with a light on him. Voices are
heard.
Voice #1: That's nutty! Are you suggesting the use of a Gundarn as a tool for a
slaughterhouse?
Voice #2: What? Are you suggesting that I'm suggesting the use of a Gundarn as a tool
for a slaughterhouse? This means war!
Crashes and sounds of fighting are heard in the background. Hero seems unaffected.
Voice #1: All right! Truce, truce! Reprogram Yueh again!
Voice #3: But sir, don't you think Hero Yueh would be mad if we took away his
humanity?
Voice #2: Probably not.
Scene changes to Duel and Hero running the Bardon blockade. They avoid shots fired
from Space Capricorns.
Duo: What do ya think of my mad shuttle piloting skills, Hero?
Hero: I think I could do better.
Duo: Oh yeah? You drive! (Duo hands a rather fake-looking steering wheel over to
Hero, who looks frightened)
Hero: No, you fool! (grabs the wheel. Shot of the shuttle bucking suddenly, then taking a
new course)
Shuttle comes up on a hole in the side of the colony. Two Capricorns block the way.
Hero: MOVE, YOU FOOLS!
The first half of the shuttle continues as normal, but the second half goes out on it's own.
The first half rams a Capricorn, and the other goes in the hole.
Duel: YESSSSSS!!!!!
Scene changes to Ketra and the 40 Argonauts on the bridge of a interplanetary ship.
Ketra: It's up to us to retrieve the Gundarns. The fate of the Earth is at stake. I just hope
we aren't too late.
Sunglasses: Don't worry, Mista Loser. We can retrieve the Gundarns with time to spare if
we do this: First, activate the trans-polarizer drive for 3.657 seconds along the route of
Spacial Grid 938. At 1.7 hours along the route, activate the thermal-kinetic thruster to
align with Jupiter's third moon. To get the power to do that, we must rewire the
polytermoid circuits to fuse with the main power core. When we get close to the Gundarn
ship, we will send out a reverse magnetic field to extend around the ship. From there, we
can extend a metirope across approximately 5.6 feet…
Sunglasses goes on spewing technobabble, while the other 39 Argonauts and Ketra listen
intently, as if they knew what he was talking about.
Sunglasses: …by connecting it to the ion control module! It's almost too easy.
Scene changes to Oin and Salami sitting in a space ship.
Salami: Hey, Oin! That little girls' about to issue a intergalactic statement!
Oin: Oh, boy! (grabs a Pepsi)
Martyr Maria appears on the viewer. Behind her a band is playing 'Yankee Doodle'.
Martyr: We at Colony 3.141592654 wish to declare our independence from the Earth
Globe Alliance. And, at the same time, wish to declare war upon the nation. My name is
Martyr Maria Kooshrenada. Daughter of Quattor Kooshrenada
Scene shows people standing in a town square staring up at a big screen. Shouts are
heard like "His daughter!" "Colony 3.141592654?" "Who the heck is Quattor
Kooshrenanda?"
Salami: She must be the one with those mobile insulters I had heard about!
Oin: We'd better get back to Earth, fast!
Scene changes to Duel fighting mobile insulters in a Simba.
Duel: Ha! (critical hit, kills an enemy)
Suddenly, a Snake Unique appears, and shoots at Duel. He leaps back.
Duel: Man, this guys' good!
Duel's Simba hides behind a pillar. Barbs rake the pillar and nearby wall.
Duel: Wait a minute! I know this tactic!
Shot of Trowel at the controls, shooting.
Duel: There's no mistaking it now! Ketra's in there! (beep) Ketra, why have you betrayed
us!
Trowel: I'm not Ketra!
Duel: (gasps) It's Trowel! This treachery is worse then I thought! Well, take this!
Duel leaps out, but gets shot up, and falls over. The Snake Unique walks forward, and
opens up its missile launchers.
Duel: You, you're not serious!
Trowel: Of course I'm serious! I'm serious about everything! I've never smiled once!
Missiles fire, and streak toward Duel's Simba.
Duel: So this'll end everything, will it?
Trowel: It will for you.
Flashback for Duel. Opens with Duel putting bombs on Deathspatula. He jumps down,
and runs to a nearby packing crate for cover. He holds up a joystick.
Duel: So this'll end everything.
Duel presses the top button. Nothing happens.
Duel: (shaking the joystick) Darn it! Why won't he explode!
Suddenly Scientist Q comes walking up. Q has a banana shaped nose, and has sheet-like
gray hair. He speaks in a high nasal voice, and we believe he may be related to Dyslexic
and Muellard.
Q: Duel! (Bolts fall at Q's feet) Deathspatula is what I put all my meaningless life into. I
would hate to see you destroy it. (reaches into Duel's coat, and pulls out a revolver) I see
you were planning to shoot me when you were done.
Duel: I was planning to shoot everyone here, but I didn't plan that part very well.
Q: If you're prepared to shoot everyone here, you might want some ammo. (changes the
subject) Duel, why don't you swipe Deathspatula?
Duel: Swipe him?
Q: Go with it to Earth. Just ignore Operation Meteorite.
Duel: I will! (Q walks off)
Duel: (flipping the revolver around on his finger) Well, how about that! (the gun goes off,
startling him)
Flashback for Trowel. He is inside a Simba, marching.
Trowel: (thinking) I am not Trowel. I am a nameless bowler who's been at the bowling
alley for as long as I can remember.
Scene changes to Trowel in fatigues working on a catwalk in front of Heavyfeet.
Trowel's Voice: When I first met this guy called Trowel, I was working on Heavyfeet.
Shot of big burly guy facing Scientist F, (designer of Heavyfeet) and a guy.
Guy: What are you talking about? I'm going to complete Operation Meteorite whether
you like it or not!
F: But, Trowel, if you do Operation Meteorite, 2 billion people will die!
Trowel: Tough for them! At least they aren't me!
F: That's no way to look at life!
Trowel: (walking away) I'm going to complete the will of my fath- (bang) UHHHH!!
Trowel falls to the catwalk, stumbles around a little, then falls off the catwalk,
plummeting to his death. Shot of the guy holding a gun.
Guy: I…Couldn't let…him!
F: Nice going!
Guy: You could support me; who's that!
Our Trowel comes around the corner.
Trowel: You can shoot me if you want to, but I should warn you I'll probably die.
Guy: Were…you watching us?
F: No, (looking at the splattered remains of Trowel) they'll find about this anyway.
Trowel: I was feeling insecure without a name, (looks at remains, too) I'll take his.
F: Fine! As of this day, your name is Trowel Bardon!
Scene changes to Hero beating up Simbas. Suddenly Nutcake appears, and faces his
Simba.
Hero: Wuf?
Nutcake takes out his double-headed insult fork, and charges. The two exchange blows.
Hero: Wuf, press the self-detonate button!
Wuf: Never!
Hero: Wuf! Press the button!
Wuf: And if I don't?
Hero: I'll kill you anyway!
Battle continues. Hero's Simba suddenly has it's army sliced off, and the cockpit opens.
Shot changes to Trowel's missiles narrowly missing Duel, and hitting the ground. Smoke
insures, during which Trowel and Hero disappear. Duel gets out.
Duel: I'M ALLLIIIVVVEEEE!!!!! HALLELUJAH!
Scene changes to Ketra and the 40 Argonauts.
Ketra: (in an airlock) We're coming up on the Gundarn Disposal Block!
Sunglasses: Time to impact….5…..4…..3…2….1!
Rope extends from the ship to the Gundarn ship. Ketra goes sliding across it. The ship
starts to break apart.
Ketra: EERRRRRRR!!!
Argonauts: Gasp!
Ketra falls off, then hits the ship. He bounces off, then starts bouncing between the two
ships like a yellow ping-pong ball. Argonauts gasp again, but he eventually slows down
and stops.
Ketra: UHHHHH….
Leader: Are you okay, Mr. Loser?
Ketra: I'm fine! See you at Earth!
Shot of Ketra floating through the resource disposal block. He finally arrives at the cargo
bay, which contains the Gundarns.
Ketra: So, Mr. Grainstone, we meet again.
Flashback for Ketra. Shows him standing with Scientist S, who designed Grainstone. S
appears to be a midget, with a mustache so hard he could stab people with it.
Ketra: A self-detonate button?
S: Yes. It is believed that anyone with sufficient power should be able to take it away.
Ketra: But what if I hit it accidentally?
S: Don't worry, Ketra. You're not that stupid.
Ketra: Oh, dear.
S: But, Ketra, (smashes computer console) ignore this thing. Fight as you think you
should. You'll do fine.
Ketra: Thanks! (he leaves.)
S looks out on Ketra getting into Grainstone.
S: (thinking) I can't take away his kindness and generosity. And I certainly can't take
away his stupidity and his tendency to get attached to inanimate objects. I only hope this
isn't a worse fate for him than Operation Meteorite.
Scene changes to the Old Guy sitting at a desk, talking to a computer. The president's
voice is heard from it.
Old Guy: It seems they have mobile insulters, sir! And due to the Insulter Act, we don't
have any left!
President: I don't care! Your department is getting sufficient funding to prevent this kind
of thing from happening!
Old Guy: Eh, what'd you say? My ears just aren't what they used to be.
President: STOP THEM!!!! (hangs up)
Old Guy: (talking to camera) I always use the ear thing when I don't like what they're
saying. (to himself) I can stand here and use the ear thing all day, but the point is, I don't
think we can stop them! I hope the Gundarns can help us!
Hex's Voice: Hello, Old Guy.
Old Guy: Huh?
Hex steps into the light.
Hex: I've come to request a code name. If possible, I'd like the code name "Boot."
Fitting for one who stamps out sparks.
Old Guy: I'll see what I can do.
Shot of Daykom standing on the bridge of a ship, facing Earth.
Soldier: Snake troops departing the ship, sir. Commencing with the invasion.
Daykom: He he he!
Soldier: (flashing light) Sir! There's another mobile insulter approaching! It's the
Shortduck!
Daykom: Quattor? No, it can't be! Must be Hex!
Soldier: He's in the Shortduck IV!
Daykom: Shortduck IV? What happened to Shortduck II and III?
Soldier: Well, when it was decided to make a movie, we decided that a new Shortduck
was necessary. And Shortduck II and III sound too much like sequel numbers, so we
skipped to IV.
Daykom: Makes sense.
Shot of Hex in the Shortduck destroying Snake Uniques. The Shortduck turns to face the
ship. Eventually, his face appears on the viewer.
Daykom: Hex Markey! I thought you were dead.
Hex: I am. (Hex grabs his left arm, and falls out of the viewers range. Gasps and cheers
are heard from the crew. Suddenly, Hex pops back up again)
Hex: Just kidding! Daykom Bardon, stand down your troops!
Daykom: I dare you to fire on us!
Hex: I'll take that dare. (reaches for an unseen control)
Daykom: No! Wait! You didn't let me finish! (Hex stops) If you shoot us, we'll drop this
outpost onto earth!
Hex: ERRRR…
Daykom: HA HA HA HA HA! Commence invasion!
Scene changes to Hero and Duel gunning down guards. A counter is scrolling up at the
bottom of the screen, saying "Kill Count." The pair are standing in a pile of clips.
Hero: (speaking loudly over gunshots) We'd better end this, fast! (the two dive behind a
corner)
Duel: I know just the thing! (takes a bazooka out of his hair)
Duel steps around the corner, and lets loose a bazooka rocket. Shot of the two stepping
into a door right before a fireball erupts down the corridor.
Trowel's Voice: What took you so long?
Duel: (looks relaxed, puts his bazooka back in his hair) Well, what do you know? Trowel
Bardon!
Trowel: Shut up and start hacking.
Hero: What's going on?
Trowel: I found out that Daykom's plans were actually the original Operation Meteorite,
this was the only thing I could think of to stop him. Only it's taking too long.
Hero: Let's get started, then!
Some time passes. Guards start shouting at the door.
Duel: I did it! Hey, I got some mail from Ketra!
Shot of Ketra's face on a screen.
Ketra: This is Ketra, in case you can't recognize me. I've secured the Gundarn supply
ship. I'm heading for earth.
Hero: Tell Ketra I can't recognize him. And also, send Whiff Zero on a course for AA
mark 74.
Duel: Huh?
Hero: I'll pick it up in space.
Guard: (outside) Break the door down! ("Yeays" are heard.)
Hero: Duel, I have a favor to ask.
Duel: (walking up) What's the matter? Suddenly you're asking me for all these favors!
Hero: Smack me. Now.
Duel: Huh? Smack you?
Hero: Hurry up.
Duel: (winding up) Well, ok. I'll get ya my best kick.
Duel runs down the room at Hero. When he gets close enough, Duel leaps in the air and
hits Hero squarely in the chest with a terrific jumping kick. Hero doesn't move an inch
and Duel drops back on his feet. Instantly Hero brings his foot up for a paralyzing kick to
the kneecap.
Duel: Uhhh. Why? (In agony)
Hero: For your own good, that's why.
Duel falls to the floor, clutching his knee.
Hero: He's all yours, Trowel.
Trowel: Right.
Hero lies down on the floor next to Duel. The soldiers break into the room.
Trowel: I defeated the intruders.
Guard: Great!
As the soldiers surround Hero and Duel, Hero jumps up and runs out the door. The
soldiers yell in alarm, but oddly enough do not fire.
Scene changes to Shortduck facing the ship.
Hex: This is Boot. I'm destroying the ship.
Shortduck fires it's Doby gun. The ship explodes, but a shuttle escapes. Shot of Daykom.
Daykom: HA HA HA!
Shortduck turns towards the shuttle, and prepares to fire.
Daykom: No! Hex! Don't fire!
Hex: Why not?
Daykom: It's not good for the storyline! I have to die a real dramatic death!
Hex: And this isn't?
Daykom: No!
Hex: Oh, well, then. In that case…..ERRRRR!!!
Daykom: (laughing lightly) Uhhhh… You were a little late! See you again!
Really cool music begins playing. Shot of Hero flying on a shuttle.
Shot of Duel standing in darkness.
Shot of Snake Uniques landing on earth.
Shot of Martyr Maria, Relentless, and the Old Guy standing together.
Shot of Daykom standing in the midst of soldiers, grinning like an idiot.
Shot of Nutcake flying in orbit of earth.
Scene changes to Hero flying in a shuttle. He comes up on a capsule.
Hero: (talking to himself) It's here.
Hero jumps out of the shuttle, and lands on the capsule. He climbs in, and powers up
Whiff Zero. He takes off.
Part 2: ?????????????
Shot of Whiff Zero cruising through space toward Earth. Nutcake is waiting for him.
Wuf: He's here.
Hero: I'm coming to earth, Wuf. Out of my way.
Wuf: NEVER!!!
Nutcake charges, the two duel in orbit with insult sword and insult trident.
Wuf: Hero, I..( Editors Note: At this point, Wuf lapses into talking about meaningless
philosophical babbling. The editors have decided to edit the details out, because, due to
the only action-receptive audiences of the twenty-first century, we decided to remove the
meaningless philosophical talking about why our heroes are fighting. Thank you for your
time. We now return to our original program)…And I will become evil itself to do it!
Hero: (gasps) Evil!
Wuf: Yes! (his words are punctuated by sounds of fighting)
Battle continues. It seems to go nowhere.
Shot of Duel standing in darkness.
Duel: I'm bustin' out of here! (takes a sledgehammer out of his hair)
Shot of two guards standing in front of a door. Suddenly a large dent appears in it.
Guard #1: Huh?
The door falls through, falling on the guards. Duel runs through, putting the hammer
back in his hair. He runs onto a shuttle, which contains Trowel.
Trowel: Let's go.
The shuttle blasts off.
Scene changes to Duel, Ketra, and Trowel standing in the Gundarn ship.
Duel: Now that we're all united, let's go!
Ketra: I've always wanted to take Grainstone out again!
Trowel: I think we should go. However, I do not think we will survive.
The pilots get into their respective Gundarns. Shot of Grainstone slicing open the hanger
door with it's cooping saws.
Duel: Uh, you could just open the door.
Trowel: A dramatic opening works for better publicity.
Ketra: And cooler commercials.
Duel: Oh.
The Gundarns blast off for Earth.
Scene changes to Wuf and Hero doing battle. Suddenly Hero takes a massive hit to Whiff
Zero.
Hero: I…won't….keep….fighting!
Wuf: Gasp!
Whiff Zero starts plummeting toward the sea, smoking.
Hero: Whiff won't tell me, Wuf. Answer me, Wuf!
Wuf looks like he's about to cry. Or throw up. Or both.
Whiff Zero plunges into the sea. Shot of Nutcake facing an exploding outpost. Wuf
screams, and sudden blackout.
Scene changes to Relentless looking out the window in the World Headquarters house in
Guatemala City. Suddenly the entire house sinks into the ground and it's shaft is then
covered with steel doors, force fields, cages and others assortments.
Martyr Maria enters the room.
Martyr Maria: My castle is now safe!
Relentless: You can say that again.
Martyr Maria: My castle is now safe! (Words appear across the screen: Famous Martyr
Maria quote scene) Life is much like a continuing polka. The three beats of good, bad
and just plain boring continue on endlessly. (gets all dreamy eyed) But on the day of my
acceptance of power all that will change. From now on, life will just be boring!
Relentless: AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
Martyr Maria: Oh, please, Miss Relentless, it won't be that bad.
Relentless: Yes, it will.
Martyr Maria: Oh, please, Miss Relentless…
Scene changes to two Snake Unique insulters standing in a city street. Suddenly they are
both fired upon and destroyed. The Shortduck IV and a red and white Capricorn land
where they were.
Oin: Why are we doing this, Hex? We can't do anything.
Hex: What are you talking about, Oin? We just destroyed two Snake Uniques!
Oin: I mean, something earthshaking, like rescuing Miss Relentless!
Hex: I know, but I just love fighting and I can't just sit by watching.
Oin: OK.
Shortduck pulls out its sword and slices apart another three Snakes. Capricorn levels its
gun and blows another away.
Scene changes to Hex and Oin battling overwhelming odds.
Hex: Oin, I don't think we'll win this!
Oin: I'll never leave your side, Hex!
Hex: Wait! (flashing light) There's more mobile insulters approaching!
Oin: It's the Gundarns!
Grainstone leaps into the fray and slices apart three Snakes.
Ketra: (raising his glasses) I'm impressed! You've destroyed this many without getting
blown up yourselves!
Hex: You should be.
Heavyfeet leaps up into the air, does a lot of unnecessary spins and flips, then lands,
firing its barbs.
Trowel: I'm back.
Deathspatula leaps up into the air, framed in the moon. Then it comes down, slicing
Snakes.
Duel: What do ya think of my Batman entrance, Trowel?
Trowel: I think mine was better.
Battle continues.
Hex: There's still about 250 insulters left. that makes about 50 insulters each.
Oin: But I'm just in a regular mobile insulter. I'm no good!
Hex: OK, so about 72 suits each
Ketra: But my Gundarns' really bad! I'll probably get a saw shot off! (A shot rings out
and one of Grainstone's coping saws breaks apart)
Hex: OK, so about 90 suits each.
Trowel: But the first three seconds of battle have past, so my Gundarns' no good
anymore.
Hex: OK, so that's about 125 suits each!
Duel: BRING IT ON!!!
The battle commences. The Gundarns begin to lose. It looks hopeless.
Oin: It looks hopeless, Hex!
Hex: Oin, you'd better leave.
Oin: Hex, I once said I'd never leave your side! (nice music starts playing)
Hex: Oin….
Oin: Hex….
Duel: Hex…Oin….
Hex and Oin: (together) Duel!
Duel: Yesh. You guys ought to be fighting anyway.
Scene changes to Martyr, Relentless, and Daykom in a command center.
Martyr: (smiling) They can't break through my shield! Their fight here is meaningless.
Relentless: They seem to be doing a pretty good job, though.
Martyr: (exasperated) Ms. Relentless, I've said it before, (looks steamed) OBNOXIOIUS
COMMENTS WON'T BE TOLERATED!
Relentless: Yikes.
Daykom: The Gundarns! How long do those kids tend to stop me! Send the Snake troops
to point D!
Soldier: Sir! There's another Gundarn approaching!
Daykom: What?
Shot of Whiff Zero in the sky, holding it's cannon. Shot of Hero on the command center
viewer.
Relentless: Hero!
Hero: Surrender, Martyr Maria.
Martyr: I dare you to fire! Soon you will see just how helpless you are!
Hero: OK.
Martyr: Uhhh!!!!
Whiff Zero fires, a massive, writhing beam of energy shooting down from the sky. The
mighty pencil-thin lance of destruction comes down through the clouds like a blast of
sunlight. It strikes the ground, it's unthinkable energy coming to rest in terrible waves of
destruction.
Hero: Dang! I missed!
Soldier: Whiff Zero's aim is inaccurate down to twenty miles!
Daykom: It's lucky he didn't hit one of his friends!
Martyr: But he demolished the mime school! (starts crying)
Soldier 2: Don't worry, Ms. Martyr Maria. You'll rebuild it.
Hero: I'd better adjust my aim.
Whiff Zero fires again. Lots of crashing and destruction take place inside the command
center. Lots of soldiers die. Whiff Zero fires again. Old Guy comes hobbling in on his
walking stick.
Martyr: What's going on?
Old Guy: Are you afraid, Martyr Maria? (looks at camera) I came in with just enough
time for a cool quote.
Daykom: (to Hero) Don't fire again! Remember, Ms. Relentless Wartrade is in here!
Shot of Whiff Zero. It's starting to fall apart. It's guns fall off. Suddenly, it plummets,
falling to earth.
Relentless, Trowel, Oin, Duel, Hex, Martyr, and the Old Guy: Gasp!
Whiff Zero hits the top of the bunker. More explosions down where our heroes are.
Daykom: No! We can't be defeated! (turns around) Ms. Martyr Maria! Take your
position as world leader!
Martyr: (walking toward him) I…will…win!
Relentless: (stepping in front of Martyr with the Old Guy) Allow me.
Relentless slaps Matyr Maria, and the Old Guy clubs her with his stick.
Daykom: (taking out his six-barreled Uzi) Stop right there, Ms. Relentless Wartrade!
Relentless: If you want to kill me, go ahead.
Daykom: I will. (he fires)
Martyr leaps in front, and catches the hail of bullets. She falls down and gasps.
Relentless: No! Martyr Maria! We can still save her!
Old Guy: What are you talking about? She's riddled! Like Swiss Cheese!
Relentless: Shut up, Old Guy! You should go back to flying planes!
Daykom: Now, prepare to die, Ms. Relentless Wartrade! (bang) UHHHH!!
Daykom collapses. Shot of Ketra holding a gun.
Relentless: Ketra? What are you doing here?
Ketra: Well, the script called for a random guy, so I though I'd fill in. C'ya. (he walks off)
Relentless and the Old Guy lean over Martyr Maria.
Relentless: Martyr Maria, stay alive!
Hero: (coming in) I'll save you of the trouble. (shot of Hero holding a gun)
Relentless: Hero!
Martyr: Please….
Hero fires, but there's no bullets.
Hero: I have killed Martyr Maria, and I won't hurt another fly. (collapses)
Relentless: HEEERRROOOO!!
Relentless grabs for Hero, but misses and he falls to the ground with a splat. Medics rush
in, and haul off Hero and Martyr Maria. Scene changes to Trowel, Ketra, and Duel
standing on a hill, with their respective Gundarns in front of them, being hauled into a
mine.
Ketra: Are you sure this is the best idea?
Trowel: They should be kept ready, in case someone like Martyr Maria comes back.
Ketra: That's a stupid idea!
Duel: Well, it makes room for a second sequel.
Shot of Nutcake being lowered into a mine, in front of Wuf.
Wuf: Nutcake, may you rest in peace. Literally.
Cool music starts.
Shot of Hero sitting at a computer, typing away.
Shot of Trowel bowling a big one.
Shot of Wuf walking through a garden in China.
Shot of Duel playing pinball in an arcade.
Shot of Ketra partying with the 40 Argonauts.