Title: Abandoned
Series Information: 15th in L/R section of DB series. Begins with Safely :for those who read M-ratings:, Coming Home :for those who don't:. Follows Fun/(The Spencer equivalent if I decide to write one).
Pairing: Lila/Reid
Author's Notes: Still procrastinating on my papers, which means tomorrow will be filled of scholarly writing. But enough about me. I have had this written for a while, before the Elle incident, as Lila calls it, so if it doesn't seem to fit, that's probably why. Tell me and I'll tweak it some more. Also, at the end of the chapter, Spencer kind of goes a little OOC, and I thought about changing it, but we see he does have a smart-ass in him when he's angry in Uncanny Valley, so I thought maybe if he was passionate about the subject enough, he could actually say the things he said (Trying to be vague here because you haven't read the chapter, yet). Is it too OOC, does it fit? Again, tell me and I'll tweak.
Rating: T
Summary: After Gideon leaves, Reid calls Lila.
He sits in his living room with the letter in his hands. He had read it 10 times, even though the words are forever sketched into his mind. He was gone and he wasn't coming back. He had just walked away without speaking to him, living a letter to explain so he didn't have to answer any of his questions. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all. Gideon had been the first man in his adult life that he had trusted and now, he was gone. He doesn't understand how he was so easy to leave. He doesn't want to think about that. He doesn't want to think about of this. He just…wants to use. He wants to forget. He wants a needle in his arm, the sharp prick that leads to a great high and then the slow burn. He wants it so bad, then he wouldn't have to think about it. He wouldn't have to feel.
He couldn't though. He was working so hard to be clean, to be better. He chews on his bottom lip. He could call Elle, she would sit with him, make sure he didn't use. He wouldn't have to talk about his feelings with her. He breaths out, slow. He didn't want to talk to Elle though. He reaches for his phone and dials the first number that comes to his mind.
A grunt answers.
"…Lye?" He says, softly.
"Spence?" She mumbles. "It's 4 am. Go to bed."
He concentrates on her voice. She's still asleep, her words are slurred, her voice thick.
"Lila. I… I need you."
"Spence?" She's more awake now. "What's wrong?" Now, she's wide awake. He hears the concern in her voice, hears the bed creak, a light being turned on.
"I…. just needed to hear your voice." His voice cracks.
"Baby, what's wrong?" She says, softly, smooth. He imagines it's what a mother would sound like comforting their small child when awoke by a bad dream.
"Gideon's gone."
Deal Breaker || Abandoned
He broke down on the phone, but never gave her a reason other than the departure of his mentor. She knew it's something more, but she didn't push. The fact that he called her after they hadn't spoke for almost six weeks is enough for her to just listen. They didn't talk about their fight or their problems and eventually, he falls asleep. She stays on the phone for a couple hours afterwards, just in case, but once his alarm starts to go off, she hangs up the phone. She calls him later and when he answers, he sounds exhausted.
"Hey Spence, how are you doing?" She says, lightly.
"I'm fine. I have a case." His voice is monotonic, quiet.
"You don't have to be okay, you know? It's okay to be hurting. Hiding that pain is just-" She tries.
"I know, Lila. I just want to work." He's completely shut off and it makes her heart ache.
She sighs. "Okay, well…hey, I'm going to be in New York for press stuff for a couple days, I could come to DC after that, if you…if you'd like me to." She doesn't know if she should offer to come see him. They still have issues to work out, but it only feels right to offer.
He looks up at Gideon's office and breathes out through his nose. "Okay." He says, softly.
"Okay. We'll get some Green curry and watch some movies or something."
He smiles at the fact she remembers one of his favorites. "Okay. I have to get going though."
"Kay… bye."
Deal Breaker || Abandoned
Spencer walks in to see Lila asleep on his couch. He sits down next to her, patting her leg.
"Lila."
"Hmm." Lila asks, looking at him. She smiles, sleepily. "Hey, you."
She sits up, rubbing her eyes. "How was your case?"
"He killed himself."
Lila makes a face. "That sucks."
Spencer nods, looking at his fingers.
"How are you doing, with the Gideon thing?"
He shrugs. "I talked to Emily about it."
"Oh?"
"She said that there was a reason he left a letter to me, but I don't know. I still feel abandoned."
She watches him, not daring to interrupt in case he opens up more.
"I guess I should be used to it. I mean, I've been here before. Maybe it's my own fault for getting so close."
"No, Spence. Your dad, Gideon… they were douche-bags." It's not the best argument, she knows, but it works.
He gives her a look.
"They didn't deserve to be in your life. Your dad didn't understand how amazing you were and Gideon, I don't know what Gideon's problem was. He was always kind of a tool though." She never liked Gideon, she had never hid that.
"a tool?" He repeats, giving her a lost look.
"The point is you don't need them. The people that matter are the people who aren't going anywhere."
"You left, too."
She smiles tensely. "I…I'm here, now though, Spence."
"Yeah, but why? Because of my…the issue."
"Your addiction? No. Because… we're friends.. Even with the Elle thing.. It's… even if our relationship didn't work out-"
"But it doesn't make any sense. If the reason you couldn't handle a relationship with me is because you couldn't be close to me in the situation that something happens to me, then how can you be my friend when that same situation can occur, even though there is no romantic relationship?"
It didn't make sense and Dante had asked her the same thing multiple times way before the Elle incident. She pulls her leg into chest, holding it against her, unsure of what to say.
"I don't know." She says, eventually and he gives her a slight nod as he continues to stare at his fingers.
"Right."
She clears her throat, deciding to change the subject back to him. "Are you going to your meetings?"
"Every week, when I can."
"Do you have a sponsor yet?"
He shrugs.
"Spence…"
"I don't see the point of having someone look out for me, I have a whole team for that."
"That totally didn't do shit when you were getting high in the bathrooms of precincts."
"I never got high while I was working." He says, raising his eyes to hers and she stares back until his eyes lower.
"I'd just use enough to keep from shaking." He muttered before standing up. "But I don't do that anymore. That's why I called you, so I didn't use!"
"I'm not saying you're not, Spence."
"But you're sitting here, criticizing my team. They're my family, Lila."
"They didn't even-"
"Did you help? You said you knew people who had problems. Did you help them?"
She opens her mouth to speak, but closing it with a glare. "No, but-"
"But they were your friends, right? They were close to you and you didn't do anything. So how can you judge what my friends did? Not everyone knows how to deal with everything, Lila. You might be able to help me with my struggles, but you can't even handle being here everyday, being with me because of the small percentage something might happen. So how do you even have a right to talk?"
She glares at him. Suddenly Elle's in the picture and he has balls.
"I can't handle being here everyday because you're keeping secrets, Spencer, and obviously, now that she's back in your life, you think you can just talk to me however you want."
He breathes out through his nose, his eyes softening.
"I didn't mean-"
"Bullshit. I pushed everything aside, because you needed me, Spencer. You called me at four in the morning, asking for my help and I was there for you, no matter how hurt I was that you hid the fact you had a relationship with a team mate and why? Because you needed me. That was enough and now, you're going to sit here and tell me about my mistakes? You don't think I know what I didn't do? You don't think that's I am so angry at your friends? Spence, people I knew died because of drugs and I didn't do a damn thing to help them, so yeah, I'm a little pissed off that 'your friends' didn't do anything. I-" She pauses, feeling her anger rise.
"I'm sor-"
"I don't want to hear it." She shakes her head. She grabs her shoes and her bag. "I'm glad I could be there for you that night and you know what? If you call me at 4 am again, I'd be there for you in a heartbeat, but I can't…. I'm not… Obviously this isn't going to work."
"Lila."
She turns once she's at the door. "You know what, Spence. I met a really nice guy in Canada. Funny, charming, sweet and… I totally turned him down because I'm still not over you. I still care about you and want to be with you and you're….making it so very difficult."
His eyebrows raise in surprise as she walks out the door.