hey everyone! here's my latest d/hr fic, and this time, it'll be a multi-chaptered one. Please read and review! Thanks!
Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns them all. I'm just having a bit of fun here.
Chapter One – The Boy Next Door
Draco Malfoy felt very happy.
For one thing, Slytherin had beaten Gryffindor to win the Quidditch Cup for the first time in almost ten years. For another, Slytherin had won the house cup, this time beating the other houses (especially Gryffindor, Draco chuckled to himself) by an unholy margin of five hundred points. Best of all, it was the last day of school, which meant no schoolwork, no Dumbledore, and no Golden Trio for the next two and a half months. Of course, it also meant no more Slytherin first-years and numerous females to attend to his every whim, but that was beside the point. The important thing was that he, Draco Malfoy was out of this hell-hole and on the way home.
So it was with considerable surprise that Draco arrived to find Malfoy Manor bleaker, gloomier, and much emptier than usual. "MOTHER!" he boomed, dropping his trunks on the marble floor. "MOTHER!!!"
"Coming, Draco darling!" Narcissa Malfoy's voice echoed from the upstairs hallway. A few seconds later, she appeared at the top of the stairs and flew to her son's side. "Oh, my little dragon cub! How I've missed you!" she cried, throwing her arms around him.
"Get off me, mother!" Draco snapped, wriggling out of her grasp. "What's with the baby talk? And where the hell is my welcome home party?!" he yelled, referring to the annual bonanza his parents threw every year in honor of his return.
"Oh, Draco," she sighed, wiping the corner of her eye with a lacy handkerchief. "I hate to see you go away for so long."
"Sorry, I didn't know it affected you so much," he said sarcastically, surveying the empty front room. Where were the house-elves? Where was the buffet table? Why weren't silken green streamers hung across the stairwells? And most of all, where was the massive "Welcome home, Draco!" sign that usually hung on the upper balcony?!
"I wouldn't talk to your mother like that if I were you." Draco spun around to see his father standing on the stairwell.
"Father," Draco said, while Lucius swept toward him. "Why weren't you at the train station?"
"If you haven't realized it already, there are more important things in life than picking up one's son at a train station as if he were a sniveling first year," Lucius replied. "I'm a very busy man, Draco, and as you are nearly seventeen, I trust you are a very competent youth. Which brings me to my next point."
Draco scowled but knew better than to interrupt his father. Lucius paused and fondled a black jewel strung around his neck. "For the last few months, I've been preparing a special task for you to carry out this summer."
Narcissa sniffled and blew into her handkerchief. Lucius shot her a disdainful glare and turned his attention back to the jewel. "Well?" Draco asked, eager but cautious.
"This is a task that will test your ability to act cunningly, observe quietly, and adapt accordingly, Draco. You might call it an experiment of some sort – after all, it's never been attempted before, either by me, the Dark Lord, or any of his followers. And if all goes as planned, we'll be equipped with a nice little strategy by autumn."
"So what are you saying?" Draco asked warily. Something big was definitely going on, and he wasn't sure he wanted to be the center of it.
"Know thy enemy, my boy," Lucius chortled, looking darkly amused. Narcissa pressed her handkerchief to her heart. "Draco .... we're sending you to live among Muggles."
"WHAT?!" Draco bellowed, abandoning all cold pretense. "YOU'RE WHAT?!"
"You heard me," Lucius replied calmly, while Narcissa burst into hysterical sobs. "And as long as I'm the head of this household, there will be no shouting indoors."
"YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!" Draco yelped. "This...this is SICK! You can't do this to me!"
"Silence, boy!" Lucius commanded, whipping out his wand and holding it dangerously close to Draco's contorted features. "Remember what I taught you about controlling your emotions! Do you want to end up like the Potter boy? Don't think I don't know about his erratic moods and behavior!"
Draco relaxed his expression and gazed listlessly at his father's wand before looking up. "Forgive me, Father. I was temporarily inflamed."
"Obviously," Lucius sputtered. "You clearly take after your mother." He glanced at Narcissa reproachfully and she put away her handkerchief. "Now then, where was I? Oh yes – the Muggles. Around this time tomorrow, you'll be transported by floo powder into a vacant house in a Muggle neighborhood. For two months, you will explore Muggle London and its surrounding area, taking careful note of Muggle methods of transportation, forms of entertainment, culinary styles, and the like. Your job is to create an extensive, detailed report on all you have seen and done and present it to me on the night of your return. During your allotted period of research, you will live like a Muggle, dress like a Muggle, and for Merlin's sake, act purely like one of those dim-witted creatures. Do you understand?"
"Yes sir," Draco replied, frowning slightly. "I just have one question – what exactly is the point of doing this?!"
"Think, boy, think!" Lucius snapped impatiently, flicking his son hard on the forehead. "What did I say before? Know thy enemy, Draco!"
"So you want me to get all fuzzy with the likes of Creevey and Granger?" Draco asked, feeling somewhat nauseated.
"By understanding Muggles, and by knowing their weaknesses and strengths (if they have any), we will know best how to destroy them," Lucius snarled. "Find out about their lifestyle, Draco! Find out what makes them tick! Find out what makes them laugh, what makes them cry, what makes them scream in the middle of the night. Find out what drives them to murder each other! And you are to do it with no magic whatsoever."
"No magic!" Draco whined. "Why?! This is the first year I'm allowed to use magic outside of school! How am I supposed to cook and clean? How am I supposed to communicate with you? And while we're on the subject, how am I supposed to get around Muggle London and use Muggle appliances if I know absolutely nothing about them?"
"Draco, Draco, Draco," Lucius sighed. "Do you actually think I haven't thought this all out by myself? You'll be living next door to a wizard, who, if you play your cards right, will gladly take you around Muggle London. Using magic will be superfluous and risky while researching Muggles."
"Wait," Draco said. "So let me get this straight – I'll be living all alone next door to...to who?"
"You'll find out soon enough," Lucius replied. "Now get to bed, boy – tomorrow will be a long day."
"Yes, sir." Draco replied wanly, heading toward the stairs.
......................................................................................................................
"Now then, did you have enough to eat this afternoon?"
"Yes, Mother."
"Did you have a good night's sleep last night? It's going to be a long day."
"So I heard."
"What about underwear? Did you pack enough clean pairs? I know I—"
"Mother, please! I'll be fine!" Draco replied exasperatedly. "For the love of Mordred, I'll be living among Muggles. How hard can it be?!"
"The boy's right," Lucius said, untying a pouch of Floo powder. "Come along now, Draco."
"Honestly, Mother," Draco sneered, stepping into the fireplace. "I've never seen you so blubbery before."
"Clearly, you don't remember the first time you left for Hogwarts," Lucius remarked with some amusement.
"I just don't want him catching Muggle germs," Narcissa said disdainfully. "I'm warning you, Draco, if you get too close with them, you'll be no better than the Weasley clan."
"Trust me, you have nothing to fear," Draco replied, scooping out a handful of the green powder. "Well – I guess I'll see you in two months then."
It was then that his father did something very unexpected. For the first time Draco could remember, Lucius Malfoy stepped forward and enveloped his son in a warm embrace. He then let go, grinning oddly, but grinning nonetheless.
Draco gazed at him for a second before unclenching his fingers. Then all was black and silent save for a voice echoing into the darkness:
"Know thy enemy, Draco!"
A moment later, Draco slammed face-first onto the charcoal-laden floor. Groaning, he opened his eyes to find himself in the midst of what was obviously a Muggle living room. He picked himself up, dusted off his robes, and took a look around.
The house was decorated plainly and with a pastel motif. The walls were painted an ethereal shade of mint-green, vaguely reminding Draco of the hallways in St. Mungo's. In the middle of the room sat a peach-colored sofa set draped with crocheted coverings. To the right of the sofa set stood a very abstract, very ugly graphite sculpture resembling a mangled light-post. And a couple of feet in front of the sofa stood a chunky cabinet holding...what the....
Draco peered at his reflection glaring off the shiny black box. He tapped it with two fingers and then tried the buttons popping out of the side. He did the same with the two cloth-like boxes surrounding the main black one. Nothing happened.
"Freaks," Draco muttered, heading out of the living room to explore.
To the right of the living room lay the kitchen and the dining room. Draco peered quizzically at the various Muggle devices, such as a wooden box equipped with a timer and a label warning of something called radiation before stepping into the hallway.
The hallway led to five rooms; two bedrooms, a bathroom, a storage room, and another room containing a sparsely-filled bookcase and a white box similar to the black one in the living room. Feeling unexplainably curious, Draco ventured first into the bedrooms. What exactly did Muggles fill their most personal living spaces with? And just what did they do in there?
The first bedroom turned out to be disappointingly plain and under-furnished. A cream-colored queen-sized bed sat in the middle of the room with a bedside table on either side. In front of it stood another one of those black boxes. A wooden closet and two paintings of fruit were the only other pieces of furniture in the room.
Bored, Draco wandered into the next room, whose contrast to the first room easily made up to its messiness. Though considerably smaller than the master bedroom, this one proved to be a lot more interesting. Various pieces of clothing were strewn all over the carpeted floors and the lumpy, unmade bed. Glittery purple shelves overflowed with makeup cases and girlish knick-knacks. Draco noticed with some interest that the subjects in the posters plastered on the walls and ceiling stayed stationary, grins and poses and moments captured and eerily frozen.
The silence was broken when a childish, tinkling melody came blaring from outside. Pulling aside the curtain, Draco watched in wonder as a horde of Muggle children swarmed around a white truck topped with a luridly colored ice-cream cone.
"Line up, kids!" an old man yelled above the excited squeals and screeches. "Now, who's ready for some ice cream?"
"MEEEE!!!!" the children shrieked. "YAYYY!!!"
"I want a Mega-Monster Chocolate Fudgesicle," a small boy piped up, handing the man a small wad of flimsy paper.
"Two Rainbow Fairy Mountain Dreams and one Crazy Caramel Cruncher," a blonde girl said, trying to contain what looked like two of her hyperactive siblings.
Draco watched with mild bemusement for a few more minutes before closing the curtain. Not only did Muggles have freaky furniture, but they had freaky food as well. He couldn't even imagine what a Rainbow Fairy Mountain Dream could be.
Draco barely had time to think about it when another sudden noise rang through his ears – except that this time, the noise seemed to be coming from inside the house, rather than outside of it. He froze in his spot, eyes darting around wildly for any signs of danger....
He practically jumped when the peculiar (and incredibly annoying) noise resonated through the house again....and again...and again....by this time, he figured that no one was out to kill him. Some Muggle device had simply malfunctioned and gone off.
"SHUT UP!!!" Draco yelled out of irritation, plugging his ears. "SHUT UP, YOU FREAKING - "
"Hello?" The ringing noise stopped and was replaced by knocking. "Mr. and Mrs. Carter? Is everything all right in there?"
Draco pricked his ears and followed the noise, which seemed to be coming from the front of the house.
The knocking resumed. "Are you okay? Please open the door! It's just me, your next-door neighbor!"
The words "next-door neighbor" jolted Draco's memory, and without a second thought, he flung open the door. "Hello, I – BLOODY HELL, GRANGER!"
The bushy-haired witch appeared equally astonished. "MALFOY?" she exclaimed incredulously. "What on earth are you doing here?!"
Draco just gaped at her with a mixture of shock and revulsion.
"Um, Malfoy?" Hermione repeated, eyes bugging out slightly. "Are you all right?"
"Of course I am," Draco snapped, blinking back to reality. "What the hell are you doing here, Granger?"
"If you haven't noticed, I live in this neighborhood," Hermione replied, picking up the white container she'd dropped on the floor. " And I've come to return this Tupperware container my mum borrowed from Mrs. Carter. Is she inside?" Hermione asked, peering behind Draco's lithe frame.
"Geez, Granger, what do you think?" Draco said, grimacing. "What would I be doing as a guest in a Muggle's house?"
"You could be robbing it, or in the middle of a murder attempt," Hermione answered crisply.
Draco snorted condescendingly. "Oh yes, I've come to murder stupid suburbian Muggles in broad daylight," he sneered. "And look who's come to save them: Hermione Granger, puritanical Gryffindor, defender of the weak and helpless, and all-around annoying mudblood witch. Oh, you've caught me this time!"
"Stop being a freak and shut up, ferret-boy," Hermione shot back, shoving the Tupperware container into his stomach. "Now put this inside and leave, all right? Just leave us alone." And before Draco could form a reply, she stalked off the porch and down the sidewalk.
"Hey Granger," Draco yelled, clutching the Tupperware. "Come back! You forgot to wash your mudblood germs off this thing!"
For a minute, Hermione didn't reply. Just as Draco turned to go back inside, she sprang back onto the porch and pushed him into the house, slamming the door shut behind her.
"What the heck is wrong with you?" she snapped, gripping him by the sleeve. "Do you know what you've just done?"
"Aw, did I just hurt the poor little mudblood's feelings?" Draco taunted with mock sympathy.
"No, Malfoy, you've just risked revealing the wizarding world!" Hermione replied frustratingly. "I mean, 'mudblood?' You could've used something less foreign!"
"It's not as if Muggles will immediately associate name-calling with magic," Draco said, pulling himself away from Hermione. "Please, they're not that intelligent. And I'm sure there are a lot of words, foreign and non-foreign alike that could describe you, Granger. There's no need to be picky....unless you want me to be." He leered toward her.
"Get away from me, Malfoy," Hermione breathed firmly, backing up a bit. "Or I'll have to resort to drastic measures."
"I wouldn't dream of it," Draco drawled, reaching behind him to draw his wand from his back pocket. He froze when he felt the bare cloth of his black dress pants.
"Malfoy?" Hermione said, obviously detecting a change in his expression. "Well?"
Draco felt his cheeks pale as the revelation dawned on him. His father hadn't given him a goodbye hug – he'd stolen his wand.
"Feeling scared, Malfoy?" Hermione said again, peering curiously at him.
"No – no, not at all," Draco replied quickly, frantically patting his hips and back pockets in case he was mistaken. "I'm just, er – "
"Is there a reason why you're patting your butt?" Hermione chuckled. "Geez, Malfoy, I know you're a bit of a coward, but there's no need to protect your ass before I even blow it to bits. Now stop being an idiot and tell me what you're doing here."
Draco cocked his head to the side. "And why are you so curious?"
Hermione looked at him as if he'd shrunken into a toadstool. "If you haven't noticed, Malfoy, you're standing in a Muggle house in the middle of a Muggle neighborhood just outside of Muggle London! And you're...you're Draco Malfoy, hater of all things non-wizard!"
"That would be me," Draco replied languidly, leaning against the peach-colored couch.
"You're not supposed to be here!" Hermione continued. "You're supposed to be at Malfoy Manor kicking around the house-elves! You're supposed to be totally opposed to the idea of even being around Muggles, unless you want to murder them! Your being here doesn't make sense! It's illogical, it's weird, it's – "
"Unnerving? Surreal? I would have to agree," Draco replied, staring at his fingernails, which were perfectly trimmed and manicured. "If you really want to know, I've come to get a head start on my Muggle Studies class next year. Lucius thought a little preparation was in order."
"Wait," Hermione groaned, slowly rubbing her temples. "Wait – you're telling me that you, Draco Malfoy, are taking Muggle Studies next year?! Whatever for?! And Lucius supports you?"
"First off all, it's Mister Malfoy, not Lucius," Draco replied scathingly. "And secondly, what's wrong with me taking Muggle Studies? Loads of people take it!"
"Well – it's not that there's anything wrong with it," Hermione said weakly. "It's just that...you're...you're – "
"- Draco Malfoy," Draco finished for her.
"Right," Hermione sighed. "That would be it. But you still haven't answered my question."
"Ignorance gets you nowhere, Granger," Draco said with the air of a teacher explaining something to a five year-old. "I don't know about you, but I'd rather not be as oblivious as most of my father's associates."
"So you're going to live as a Muggle?" Hermione asked, astounded. "For how long? And with who? And...and how did you get this house?"
"Experience is the best teacher," Draco said, sounding bored. "I can't believe you haven't figured this all out yet, Granger. I expected more even from you. I'll live here as 'Draco Malfoy, Undercover Wizard,' till school resumes in the fall and then I'll be back to being 'Draco Malfoy, Wizard Superior' with a brand-new knowledge of those sadly below us. Obviously, I thought it'd be better for me to undertake this project alone. And as for the house, Granger, two words: Imperius Curse."
"Oh, Malfoy!" Hermione gasped, looking horrified. "You didn't! And they are such nice people, too!"
"You're right," Draco replied factually. "I didn't. My father did. And now they're nice people on vacation in the Emerald Isle. Happy?"
Hermione made her way to the couch and sunk down. "I can't believe this...I.... wait. So you'll be on your own for the next two months?"
"Evidently," Draco answered, staring at his nails again. "Honestly, Granger, I don't see why there's a need to ask so many questions. I'm just here to learn about jolly old Muggles and get an O in the class next year. Now get up, you're leaving mudblood particles all over the couch."
Hermione stood up and snorted. "You're in a Muggle home, Malfoy, so it doesn't make a difference. I just have one last question – do you know anything about Muggles?"
"I know that they're stupid, freaky, and undeserving of life," Draco replied. "They take up my oxygen, my land space, my –"
"Will you shut up and stop acting so superior?" Hermione chided him. "What I meant was, do you know anything about the Muggle lifestyle?"
"What's there to know?" Draco asked. "I mean, they eat, they sleep, and they breathe. What's so hard about it?"
"What's so hard about it!" Hermione exclaimed disbelievingly. "Malfoy, you don't know the first thing about Muggles! You don't know how to cook or how to use electricity or computers or money – you need help, Malfoy, major - "
"Stop telling me what I don't know!" Draco commanded. "It can't be that hard! You of all people should know – you've been to both the Muggle world and the wizarding world! Tell me honestly, which one is more sophisticated? Which one is more advanced? Which one is comprised of more intelligent, well-rounded people? Think about it, Granger!"
"In regards to your last question, I'd have to say 'Muggle world' after listening to your nonsensical, prejudiced ramblings," Hermione said coolly. "Seriously, Malfoy, if you need some pointers – "
"There you go again!" Draco laughed sardonically. "Why look, it's heroic Granger, channeling the noble spirit of Godric Gryffindor himself! If you're offering me help, I'll have to pass. I don't need you, Granger. I never have and I definitely never will. Now get out of my house!"
"Fine then," Hermione declared, heading toward the door. "I don't know why I stayed here for so long. And you're certainly far beyond the breach of my help, Malfoy, so even if I were offering it, it'd be useless. Goodbye, and have an excellent summer."
"I will!" Malfoy shouted back. "Now get a move on, Granger! You're infecting my air!"
Hermione spun around one more time before leaving. "You can't survive three days in this place, Malfoy," she snarled. "And I saw what you were doing a while ago – you were looking for your wand, weren't you? I see Harry doing that all the time. You don't have your precious magic. And without magic, you're NOTHING, Malfoy, NOTHING!"
"Get out!" Draco bellowed. "And never, EVER compare me to Potter!"
"At least he knows how to fend for himself in both worlds, ferret face!" Hermione yelled, after Draco had slammed the door. "Have fun figuring out how to use a spark plug!"
"ARRRGH!" Draco lost his temper and flung the forgotten Tupperware container at the door. "Just you wait, Granger! I'll prove you wrong! You'll see what Draco Malfoy is made of!"
A/N: All right, did you a) love it like a Draco plush toy b) like it like your Grandma's scratchy kisses or c) loathe it like a Xena-esque Hermione? Please tell me! I don't mind constructive criticism. I'd appreciate feedback as much as I'd appreciate a Caramel Frappuchino right now. Anyway, next time: Draco Malfoy vs. The Brave Little Toaster. Oh...and my apologies for Narcissa's behavior. She was feeling very vulnerable while I was writing this.