day one — burden
disclaimer — KNB © Tadatoshi Fujimaki
summary — it turns out, that aomine does not need to get used to the full weight of his emotions.
note — aomine has funny figurative language? chihuahua vs lion. also, my bad for any mistakes….
For all of Daiki's strength, for all the muscles in his legs and arms, Daiki is weak.
Weak in the sense that he can't take risks when it comes to matters of the heart. Don't get him wrong, every organ in his body is healthy and strong and his heart is no exception since it is the heart of an athlete. What he means though is that, figuratively speaking, Daiki is as weak as a baby bird when it comes to dealing with emotions—serious emotions.
Altricial. Yes, when it comes to emotions Daiki is altricial. He is like a newly hatched chick, incapable of moving around, blindly stumbling around in the dark, trying to find warmth.
That or a headless chicken, but Daiki has his brain (shut up, he does) and a headless chicken doesn't paint a pretty picture. It's grisly, he shudders at the thought.
Anyway, he's trying to make a point and the point is that Daiki sucks at emotions.
Especially love.
It does not come easy to him saying how he feels so telling Satsuki that he is in love with her is an impossible feat for him. He wants to but it's not going to happen anytime soon…maybe never. But he wants to so bad. He want to tell Satsuki that he loves her. He wants to tell her that he can't imagine life without her. He wants to tell her that she is his moon and stars on a pitch black night. That she is the light at the end of a tunnel. The clearness in the fog.
He wants to tell her all of this but he is not going to because Daiki is a weak coward.
Which is why he keeps his thoughts and emotions to himself. He kicks them to the back of his mind into a small dark corner where he keeps everything that he does not want the light of day to see.
He swallows back all the things he wants to say, stuffs them back down his throat when they threaten to jump off the tip of his tongue and out into the world. He chokes on the emotions and thoughts and actions he wants to take but is too weak to take.
And this is new to Daiki, because he is a person of action, he does not let things sit still, he takes bounding leaps to action so this, being immobile, is new to him.
He will get used to it eventually though.
He will get used to the weight of his emotions. With every step he takes he will get used to the heaviness of the emotions he is feeling for her because this is his cross to bear. Daiki's emotions are his burden and his alone to carry. He does not want to dump them on anyone else especially not on Satsuki who has done nothing but take care of him.
"Dai-chan!"
Daiki does his best to hide the fact that Satsuki has startled him from his thoughts. He clears his throat and looks away from her.
"What's up, Satsuki?"
He ignores her eyes on him. Analyzing. Worrying. He doesn't deserve her concern but he still has it. She tilts her head, thinking, and then smiles at him. He might not deserve her attention but he still has it and it makes him glad. It also makes him feel like scum. She should give her attention to someone who deserves it.
"They opened up a new tea shop. It's close by, wanna go?"
Daiki snorts, looking at her from the corner of his eyes. He can see her practically vibrating with excitement. He sighs but she speaks up before he can answer her.
"I'll treat you!" She chirps, before she adopts her scolding expression, "But only this one time! Next time, it's your turn!"
He makes a show of grumbling before accepting. She brightens and grabs his arm. Daiki pushes away the treacherous thought that this feels warm and right. He ignores the small sigh he hears her make and ignores that she leans into him as they start walking. He ignores all of this because he is stumbling around in the dark and her actions don't mean anything.
She does not release his arm until they are out, where people can see them. Daiki stomps down the feeling of being lost when she lets go of him.
/
The tea shop is close by, just like Satsuki said. It's close to their houses. Daiki remembers the way here, takes note of where it is located, just in case he needs to come here by himself one day.
Satsuki is really excited for some reason. He does not know why but it makes him smile to himself regardless. It's nice to see her like this. It's nice to see her smile so brightly.
She orders for them while Daiki takes a seat at a table. He knows she likes sitting by windows so he chooses a table that's close to the windows. Daiki takes a seat, facing the door. He waits patiently for Satsuki to come and sit down.
She sits across from him smiling, "They'll bring our order to us."
They sit in silence. Daiki looks out the window. He can feel her eyes on him and heat traveling up his neck to warm his ears.
"What?" he finally growls.
She is still smiling, "Nothing. I was just—"
She doesn't have a chance to finish because they have brought their orders to them. Satsuki sips at hers, no longer looking at him. Daiki does not drink his as daintily as Satsuki drinks hers. It tastes good, better than he expected, he doesn't really like tea. It's sweet but not to sweet and tastes a little like peach. It smells good too. It's pretty good.
Satsuki must see the surprise in his face because she makes a comment about knowing him so well. He scoffs and continues drinking.
He does not know what Satsuki got and she refuses to let him taste it.
They talk for a little, about little things, about stupid things, about anything. He likes listening to her (but not when she's nagging him). She's animated, she uses her entire body to talk, and Daiki likes observing her.
They head home when they both finish their tea. It's dark out and a little chilly. Satsuki takes his arm in hers again. He pushes back the relief and calmness he feels at her touch.
/
Satsuki tells Daiki to wait before he can leave once he drops her off at her door.
"What is it?" he asks, frowning in concern.
Satsuki laughs, "Jeez, don't looks so worried! I just have to tell you something."
Daiki relaxes, "Oh, okay…"
She motions him closer. He leans down. He can feel the warmness of her breath against his skin and he holds back a shudder because it feels good against his cool skin. She takes his face in her hands. Daiki thinks she means to whisper something in his ear. Satsuki could be weird when she wanted to tell him something. He leans down further to listen closely.
He does not expect to feel her lips press against his.
Here's the thing, the brain sends out signals by electrical currents and Daiki is pretty sure his have all overloaded and burst, fizzing out at Satsuki's action.
Her lips taste like combination of mint and watermelon. She smells like honey or something equally sweet and it invades his nose, and all he can inhale is her. The texture of her lips against his is soft like velvet. Daiki almost snorts at the cliché except he really can't because Satsuki's lips are pressed to his and she's kissing him.
She's kissing him.
Why is she kissing him?!
He jolts and pushes her away from him. His face feels hot. He wants to say something but he chokes, like literally. He starts coughing and Satsuki panics hits his back and tells him to breathe, which he is trying to do already so why is she telling him this? It's not like he needs to be told to breathe.
Once he has regained his breathe, he stammers and tries to come up with something to say.
"What…that was—why did you kiss me?!" His voice does not sound hysterical (it doesn't!)
Satsuki looks at him, directly in the eye and it takes Daiki all his willpower not to look away from her. Her answer is clear and crisp.
"Because I felt like it."
This causes Daiki to explode, "What the hell, Satsuki?! You don't kiss people just because you feel like it! You can't do that!"
"Why not?"
"Because…um, because—because you just can't!"
Daiki is flustered and breathing heavy. His heart is racing and his skin feels really hot, like he's running a fever. Satsuki takes a step towards him and Daiki takes a step back.
Which is a dumb move because Satsuki's porch doesn't have railing so he ends up on his back.
He lays there. Not moving. Holding his breathe. Maybe Satsuki will leave him here and go inside her house. He closes his eyes.
"Are you going to get up?"
He jumps. Her voice is right next to him. He sits up.
"You can't kiss people just because you feel like it," he says softly, turning to face her.
Her hand is on his cheek and it's warm. He closes his eye and leans into her touch involuntarily. She kisses him again.
"I can do whatever I feel like."
"Stop it."
"And do you wanna know what I feel, Dai-chan?"
"…no."
She slaps his arm, "Be quiet."
"Ouch!"
"I didn't even hit you hard! Now, be quiet and listen to me."
"Fine….what do you feel?"
"I feel like kissing you because I like you…hm, no, that doesn't sound right…what about this, it feels right when I'm with you and it made me feel like kissing you. Yup, that's definitely better."
Satsuki smiles at him and it's luminescent. Everything hits him hard at that moment. The emotions he'd kicked to the back of his mind burst and explode like fireworks in one short laugh of his. It feels good and right so why does he feel numb.
"…I can't. Satsuki, I can't."
He looks away from her, distraught.
"Dai-chan…"
"I'm sorry but I—"
Daiki feels the sting of her slap all the way to his bone. He deserves that.
"You are so full of crap."
He deserves that too.
"How stupid do you think I am? Do you think that I wouldn't notice that you're in love with me? So don't give me crap excuses, Dai-chan! I know you and you were going reject me by saying that you didn't return my feelings. So I'm asking you, how stupid do you think I am?"
"Um…I was hoping—OW! What the hell, Satsuki?! You're not even letting me answer!"
"The question was rhetorical. But answer this honestly, why can't you return my feelings?"
This is Daiki's thought process, Satsuki does not deserve this. She deserves someone better and nicer and someone who will take care of her instead of worry her. She deserves someone who is not Daiki.
"Because…I don't deserve you."
And this is Satsuki's thought process, Daiki is really stupid. Daiki is infuriatingly stupid and she's reaching her limit for putting up with his stupid. She takes a breathe to relax herself. She gathers up her will power and kisses Daiki again.
He does not move.
"You love me and I love you, what a does deserving have to do with any of it? You are belittling my feelings by thinking that anyone is entitled to them. My heart is my own to give and I'm giving it to you, Dai-chan."
"But I—"
"Ugh, you are seriously annoying, Dai-chan."
"…whatever."
She laughs and offers him a hand to stand up. He takes it. He can't even suppress his smile at hearing her laugh. She still holds his hand even when he is standing up. She looks at their hands before looking at him. For the first time in that day Satsuki looks shy and apprehensive. Even when she had kissed him she had been nothing but bold.
"So…do you accept?" she says, tracing a pattern on the palm of his hand.
He exhales softly. It's dark and the moon is out already and the moonlight makes Satsuki shine. It's all very…cliché.
"Yes…do you accept me?"
She smiles, softly, and brings his hand up to her mouth. She places a kiss on his palm.
"Always."
That one simple word fills Daiki's heart with strength. The heaviness that he's been carrying around, his feelings, are a load lighter. And he has Satsuki to thank for that. If he has Satsuki then he's not stumbling blindly in the dark. Daiki is not altricial and even if he was altricial, even if he couldn't see, if he couldn't hear, he could still feel. And if that it enough for Satsuki, it is enough for Daiki.
He takes her hand, breathes against her skin before he kisses her knuckles, "Thanks."
He's never thanked her before. She makes his heart feel light. After everything, after enduring and carry a heavy heart, he doesn't have to get used to the full weight of his emotions after all. He has Satsuki to help him and she has him to help her if she needs it.
And for that and more he is thankful for having her at his side.
endnote — i'm hoping it flowed…