Twelve Pains of Decepticon Christmas
Disclaimer: Everything that doesn't have an owner, belongs to me.
Summary: Christmas time, higher power, or Wheeljack's fault? Whatever it is, when the whole D-con base starts to sing, Megatron is only happy that Xmas comes but once a year!
A/N: This will feature mostly mechs from G1, but it has Cybertron Thunderblast, Animated Swindle and Blackaracnia, and Movie Blackout and Scorponok. This is a parody of the song 'Twelve pains of Christmas'. Please, try to imagine the whole Decepticon base singing! I don't know what possessed me to write this, but I truly enjoyed it! Without further ado… Enjoy! ;-)
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It was official. Primus hates him. Primus hates Megatron. Deeply. If he had doubts before, about the fact that his Creator hated him, Megatron is now positive of it. The tyrant has never believed in a power higher than himself. But seeing, and especially hearing, the WHOLE Decepticon base SING made him change his processor.
He still wasn't sure if it was due to the special period they were in, which corresponded to the human holiday known as Christmas, or if it was all that Auto-bomber-bot's (a.k.a. Wheeljack) fault, or if it was Primus' curse. Whatever it was, it was getting annoying. All that merry and cheering singing was getting on Megatron's nerves.
Well, if it was the Autobot's fault, he would take great pleasure in ripping him to shreds; if it was Primus' curse, then there was nothing he could do; and if it was this 'Christmas-thing'… well, at least it came but once a year.
The tyrant sighs, and stands, exiting the throne room, and regretting it the moment the doors close behind his silver back. Looking out of the window, Megatron sees the Cassetticons: they are singing, but due to the fact that they're currently underwater, they sound much like Seaspray.
Cassetticons: The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: is finding a Christmas tree.
Megatron shakes his head: a Christmas tree, whatever it is, can't grow underwater. Sighing to himself, and trying to find a way to avoid listening to his mechs singing, the tyrant continues to walk down the hallway.
Cassetticons: The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Starscream: Rigging up the lights.
Megatron jumps when he sees Starscream standing on a ladder, trying to attach blinking small lights to the ceiling, while the Cassettes continue their singing.
Cassetticons: And finding a Christmas tree.
Frenzy picks up a rock, only to find that it is not a Christmas tree; he throws it just a few inches away from the other cassettes.
Rumble: Hey! Watch where you're throwing that thing!
Immediately, Rumble clears his throat, and continues the song along with the others. Megatron sighs, and walks away, but stops once Skywarp and Thundercracker exit the Common room, the first leaning on the latter.
Cassetticons: The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Skywarp: (with a drunken smirk on his face) Hangovers.
Megatron is about to scowl at him, but is startled by Starscream's voice, as he appears behind him, always on his ladder.
Starscream: Rigging up the lights.
Cassetticons: And finding a Christmas tree.
Megatron: Oh, for the love of slag… A tree cannot grow underwater!
The Cassettes stare blankly at their leader's outburst, before shrugging, and continuing on. Megatron, feeling slightly defeated, enters the first room he finds, and marvels at who he sees inside.
Cassetticons: The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Soundwave: (Looks down at the small paper in his hands) Sending Christmas cards.
To: Dear Blaster
From: Soundwave, your nemesis
Object: Merry Xmas!
Ps:
New game station: Acquired.
Request: Rematch on DDR.
The Communication Officer's voice was chilling even in its monotonous tone, but as he tried to sing… it became creepy! Shrugging that uncomfortable sensation off, Megatron backs away, and, once in the hallway, he is confronted by the Seekers.
Skywarp: (still smirking) Hangovers.
He suddenly hiccups, and almost falls on the floor, but the sky blue Seeker catches him in time, snarling.
Thundercracker: Watch it, you fool!
Megatron shakes his head, and almost jumps as Starscream and his slagging ladder appear mysteriously behind him again. Was he stalking him?
Starscream: Rigging up the lights.
Cassetticons: And finding a Christmas tree.
The Cassettes decide to go 'upstairs', and out of the water to try and find a Christmas tree on solid land. Megatron continues to walk away from his singing mechs, until he bumps into another one of them, who happens to be Swindle. The beige and purple Decepticon holds up a small device for Megatron to see.
Cassetticons: The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Swindle: (in one singing breath, smiling charmingly) What would you say if I told you that you don't have to fight the Autobots? You'd say I'm crazy, right? That I'm out of my processor, right? Well, that's exactly what I'm telling you about this amazing product! Are you seeing this? Are you loving this?
Not wanting to hear more, Megatron ducks in the first room he finds.
Soundwave: Sending Christmas cards.
Wrong room.
He exits, and almost bumps into a drunk Skywarp, who's still leaning on a more aggravated Thundercracker.
Skywarp: Hangovers.
Unnerved by his smirk, Megatron turns, only to bang his face against Starscream's ladder.
Starscream: Rigging up the lights.
Holding his noseplate, the tyrant walks away. And although the Cassetticons are no longer underwater, he can still hear them.
Cassetticons: And finding a Christmas tree.
Sighing, Megatron walks inside the Armoury, where he finds the only two Decepticon femmes staying in the base.
Cassetticons: The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Thunderblast: (rubbing her servos together) I'll get Megatron's spark this year!
Blackaracnia: (patronising)Yeah, right! Megs is only mine!
A glare match starts between the two, and Megatron's not pleased to be the one the match is about.
Megatron: Hey! Quit it, you two!
Both femmes turn to look at him, and Megatron finds himself running like a bat out of hell with them following him, squealing at the top of their intakes.
Thunderblast: Hey, Handsome! Come back here!
Blackaracnia: Meeeegsyyyyyy…!
His mad rush brings him back to Swindle.
Megatron: Do something, you fool!
Swindle: What about a device able to help you escape them? (takes the device out) This is guaranteed to stop them, and everything else! All for a reasonable price, of course!
Megatron: Not for your own profit!
More squeals, and Megatron runs past Swindle, and a flabbergasted Communication Officer. He looks at the three running Decepticons, then at the paper he has in his hand.
Soundwave: (shaking his head and sighing) Oh, I hate those Christmas cards.
Thundercracker: I hate taking care of him! (points to Skywarp, leaning on him, and waving drunken at the dark blue mech)
Skywarp: Hangovers.
Perched on his ladder, the Air Comander glances down at his trine, then shakes his helm, returning to his task.
Starscream: Rigging up these lights.
Cassetticons: And finding a Christmas tree.
Megatron jogs down the hallway, all the way shaking his head in disbelief and annoyance, as he's being followed by Blackaracnia and Thunderblast.
Cassetticons: The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Megatron: Now why the Pit are these fools singing?!?!
Thunderblast: I saw him first! The Cybertron series was out before Animated!
Blackaracnia: Back off old hag! Megs is mine!!!
Thunderblast: Why do you even care?! You don't stand a chance against me!
A catfight starts between the two Decepti-ladies.
Megatron: Why me?! (smacks his forehead, then someone taps him on the shoulder. He turns slowly to see an expectant Swindle)
Swindle:So… about that device?
Megatron screams like a girl, running to Soundwave, but he's too busy…
Soundwave: Sending Christmas cards.
Turning, he notes Thundercracker lost momentarily his hold on Skywarp, causing him to trip, and almost make Starscream collapse on him.
Skywarp: Oh, Jeez!
Starscream: (Barking at him from the top of the ladder) I'm trying to rig up these lights!
Cassetticons: And finding a Christmas tree.
Megatron sighs, covering his optics with his hand.
Cassetticons: The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Megatron runs away, panting, desperately trying to find one of his mechs that isn't singing. He suddenly opens a door and ducks in, not caring that he is actually hiding inside a closet. A small tap on his forearm makes him blink down at the three Reflector twins.
Reflector: I WANNA TRANSFORMERS FOR CHRISTMAS!
Megatron: You're already one… all three of you! (Turns to the ladies hidden in the same closet at each side of him) And you two, stop following me!
They smile sheepishly, before sighing dreamingly. Suddenly, the door of the closet burst open to reveal Swindle.
Swindle: What about a Furby for your boy, and roses for the ladies?
Megatron runs away again.
Soundwave: (sighs) Oh, making out these cards.
Diving inside the Common Room, Megatron stares at Thundercracker, whose head is now resting on his hand, as he sits annoyed, and exasperated on one of the stools. Skywarp is sitting next to him, with an empty cup in his hand.
Skywarp: TC, get me a high grade, huh?
Suddenly, Starscream's head pokes from under the counter, an angered and surprised expression on his face, as he tries to disentangle himself from a bunch of colourful wires.
Starscream: What? We have no extension cords?!?
Cassetticons: And finding a Christmas tree.
Exasperated and frustrated, angry that it looked like he couldn't go anywhere without his singing mechs popping up from thin air, Megatron hides inside the Monitor Room. On one of the screens, Astrotrain appears.
Cassetticons: The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Astrotrain: (floating in the sky) No parking spaces.
Megatron jumps as Reflector's strangely high pitched voice booms in the room.
Reflector: DADDY, I WANT SOME ENERGON-CANDY!!
Megatron: I'M NOT YOUR CREATOR!!!!
They're suddenly startled by the two femmes engaged in a catfight, ready to claw each other's optics out. Thunderblast yells and jumps at Blackaracnia, and the two roll across the room with many wildcat snarls. Swindle enters the room, casts a glance at the two fighting, then snatches the three Reflector, and folds them into their camera mode, then starts taking shots of the femmes.
Swindle:Go! Show me more action!! C'mon, ladies! I'm gonna make you two gorgeous!…And me rich!
The Communication Officer enters the room as well, glances at the scene, then at the blank paper in his blue hand, and sighs.
Soundwave: Writing out those Christmas cards.
Megatron, taking advantage of the situation, exits the room, in time to see Thundercracker storming off in the opposite direction, and Skywarp leaning on Starscream's abandoned ladder. The Seeker staggers and falls over, lighting up the lights that were previously blackened.
Skywarp: (shrugging) Hangovers.
Starscream: (arrives with a bunch of wires, and various tools, convinced that the lights are broken) Now why the Pit are they blinking?!?
Cassetticons: And finding a Christmas tree.
Megatron runs inside the Control Room, and punches in codes on the keyboard to contact the Guardian of Cybertron. When the purple mech appears on screen, the tyrant is not pleased.
Cassetticons: The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Shockwave: (holding up a device Swindle had sold him, and examining it) Batteries not included?
Another screen pops up, revealing Astrotrain.
Astrotrain: Where do I park?!
A small tug on his leg makes Megatron stare down at a yelling Reflector.
Reflector: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!!
Megatron: Get a job, ya aft!!!
A sudden squeal makes the tyrant winch.
Thunderblast: "MEGATRON!!!"
Megatron runs away again, going unnoticed by a crying Blackaracnia and Swindle.
Blackaracnia: (sobbing)
Swindle: (offers a white handkerchife with the purple Decepticon insignia on it) Have a tissue?
Megatron hides behind the doors of another room, and peeks inside.
Soundwave: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards.
Megatron: (crept out) You know, you give creepy a whole new meaning!
Behind him, Skywarp is still wandering off alone, but trips and falls over the lights, that Starscream still hadn't rig up, smashing them.
Skywarp: Oh, Jeez, look at this!
Starscream: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
Cassetticons: And finding a Christmas tree.
Megatron runs again, trying desperately to find one, just one of his mechs that isn't singing. He suddenly stops, and goes into Blackout's room. He knows his pet, Scorponok, can't sing: he doesn't even have a mouth!
Cassetticons: The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Blackout is on his giant armchair, Scorponok on his lap. The black helicopter takes out the remote control, and turns on the television.
Blackout: (cuddling Scorpy) Stale TV specials.
Megatron feels like screaming when he sees that Scorponok is emitting odd clicks and beeps that remotely sounds like singing. On the TV, two other singing mechs appear.
Shockwave: (with the same device as before) Batteries not included?!
Astrotrain: (sigh) No parking spaces.
One of the small Reflector triplet tap Megatron's leg.
Reflector: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!
Megatron: Please! Tell Starscream he can put me offline!!
Blackaracnia: MEEEEEEGAAAAAATROOOOONNNN!!!
Thunderblast: (sobbing) She's a technorganic! I hate her!
Swindle: Hey, Megs… By the way, what's Christmas?
Megs slaps his forehead.
Soundwave: Why am I even writing these?! Why don't I just send an e-mail?
Skywarp's voice is heard from inside the restroom.
Skywarp: Oh, who's got the toilet paper?
Thundercraker is leaning against the wall near the door to the restroom, sighing deeply. The lights suddenly go out, leaving the whole base in the darkness. Thundercracker's sigh deepens, as he glances over his shoulder at Starscream.
Starscream: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
Cassetticons: And finding a Christmas tree.
Defeated, angered and annoyed, Megatron looks out of the window again, and, surprisingly, he is not startled by what he sees.
Cassetticons: The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Coneheads: (skipping merrily through the sky) Singing Christmas Carols.
Blackout: (cuddling a beeping Scorponok) Stale TV specials.
Shockwave: (on screen) Batteries not included?!?!?!
Astrotrain: (on screen) No parking?!?
Megatron sighs.
Reflector: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Thunderblast: He's mine!
Blackaracnia: No, he's mine!
Swindle: But wait, there's more!!
Skywarp: Ow, my achin' processor!
Thundercracker: Idiot!
Soundwave: (throws the papers, and storms out) I'm not sending them this year, that's it!
Megatron: SHUT UP, YOU FOOLS!
They watch him in a moment of astonished silence, as they all freeze on the spot, before Starscream's angered voice break the silence.
Starscream: FINE!! If you're so smart? YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!!!
Cassetticons: (enter the Nemesis with a Christmas tree finally) And finding a Christmas tree.
As the Cassettes sing the last line, Megatron narrows his optics, and punches Starscream, sending him flying on the Christmas tree; stars start to appear on his head, and they go all the way down and around the tree, adorning it neatly.
Pleased that he could take out his wrath on his favourite target, Megatron smirks, thanking that Christmas comes but once a year. And, but he doesn't dare saying it aloud, maybe this Christmas-thing isn't that bad after all… if only his Decepticons learn to sing!
End
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Merry Christmas!!
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A/N: This is not meant to make any sense. Hope you liked it! I had much fun writing it! Thank you for reading, and, if you really liked this fic, please, review! Thank you!!!!!!! Happy holidays!!!!!! ;-)