During lunch on the day after dance rehearsal, Ryder sat in the cafeteria alone, mulling over his burger and salad and Tina.
He opened his right hand and looked down at it. He remembered Tina's head had been cradled in his palm. Her hair radiated warmth. It was thick and soft, a little sweat-slicked, and the blond and light brown tendrils swaying as she moved made him think of wheat waving in the sun. He remembered that she'd been smiling and her teeth had been bright in the lights, like the stage lights in her eyes. Her hand, too, had burned through his shirt when she pressed it to his chest. She'd looked excited and happy.
He wondered what would it have been like if he'd just kissed her.
Yeah. What if he just stopped dance rehearsal then and there (screw the choreography that took him so long to remember) and leaned down to meet her as she waited for that half a second, in his arms, and just touched his lips to hers?
He thought it would have been hot. Really hot. She would have threaded her fingers in his hair and pulled and then maybe they'd have fallen to the floor. Tongues and hands would have slid all over to meet curves in rumpled dresses that hugged the hard linoleum of the stage and fit into his arms just perfectly.
He gulped and peered around the busy room. Cafeteria boners are awkward.
So, pros and cons. He ticked them off his fingers, just as his teacher taught him to, because it made it easier to remember long lists of things.
She was supportive and helpful and she sewed all the costumes. She was good in school. She had Student Council and all the clubs, and he had sports. He liked that she had her own stuff. She was a good friend.
Mike said she was closer to the graduates, so she was lonely in the new group. (Weren't she and Mike together for a long time? He'd heard about that, but not from Mike. It's okay. The past is the past.) Right now, they're both kind of lonely. He might have dyslexia, but he wasn't stupid. And yeah, she'd be graduating at the end of the year, so it wouldn't last that long, but it'd be fun to try to get to know her better before she left, and neither of them would have to be alone, especially for her senior prom.
She danced pretty good. Actually, really good. She was a good singer. Marley's voice was smoky and lingering and it always hit him right there. Tina's voice was sweeter and higher, but it soared toward the stars, too. Tina's voice was just different and so was Tina. It would be nice to date someone who's different from Marley.
She wasn't as graceful off-stage. Her outbursts were weird. It's like she was about to go postal and the smothered, angry things she said were the only way she can make sure she doesn't. He wondered if she'd go off on him like that. Maybe it would settle down while they dated. Everyone had their baggage. It's just that Tina's baggage was really visible.
Besides, Ryder didn't blame her. He knew what it was like to be so frustrated you just had to scream at the world and hope that it heard you, just once.
She was older, but that's kind of hot, too. And maybe she'd done... stuff. And maybe she could teach him... things.
Awkward again, Ryder.
He closed his palm and nodded, but he'd been so lost in his thoughts that he didn't see Tina bouncing towards him, curls flying, with her lunch tray. She looked excited and happy. "Hey, Ryder!" She dropped the lunch tray with a bang and took the seat opposite his. "Is something bugging you?" Her eyes went wide as she popped a french fry in her mouth, and her little hat flopped over onto its side.
She's so cute. "Uh... yeah." It was now or never, and he felt the quiver in his voice. "Hey, Tina, I wanted to ask you something..."
"Hey, guys!" It was Blaine, with his wide, friendly smile and polo shirt and general aura of all-around great guy. He was holding his lunch tray, too. "Mind if I join you two?" His eyes darted back and forth between Ryder and Tina.
The dawn spread over Tina's face. Her smile got wider and bigger and more blindingly beautiful as she looked up at Blaine.
"It's cool," and he smiled up at Blaine, too, but Ryder gave Tina one last lingering look. She still had that glow on her face as Blaine seated himself next to her. Tina gave Blaine a flirty wink. Blaine was just being really nice, but everyone knew he couldn't return whatever she was trying to give. Why she couldn't just open up to see other chances -
Ryder felt his mouth turn down a little and made a faint internal sigh. He suddenly felt tired of trying and he closed the book on that, forever. Why bother? That's another girl who's out of my reach. Maybe I should just talk to girls online or something.