If Stewie Hadn't Murdered New Brian

by LDEJRuff

At the Griffin house, New Brian was busy cooking something in the oven. However, what he didn't count on was Stewie glaring at him.

"Hey, New Brian," he said, "bad news: you gotta leave."

"Huh?" said New Brian, confused. "What are you talking about? This is my home."

"Nobody likes you here, man," Stewie replied.

"Well, I have to disagree," New Brian said. "I think everybody likes me."

"No, we don't," Stewie disagreed. "We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights, and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den."

"Well," New Brian began, "Rupert seems to like my humping."

"What did you say?" Stewie asked, tilting his head.

"Rupert," New Brian answered, then he lowered his eyebrows. "Humped him for two hours yesterday. He just laid there and took it."

"Did he?" Stewie said, head still tilted.

"Yeah," replied New Brian. "And now every time your sleeping with him, he's gonna be thinking of me."

Long silence, afterwards, Stewie pulled out a pistol, and a knife, with New Brian's expression changing to shock.

"What are you doing?" New Brian said, backing away. "Stay back. Stay back! NOOOOOOOOOO!"

Just then, a flash of light filled the kitchen.

"Don't do it, Stewie," Stewie heard a his own voice say.

"What the hell?" Stewie turned in surprise.

He saw his future self trying to warn him.

"Don't kill New Brian," the future Stewie pleaded. "He doesn't deserve to die!"

"He raped Rupert!" Stewie replied, shrugging.

"But that doesn't mean you have to kill him," the future Stewie said.

"You're a psychopath, Stewie!" New Brian yelled, pointing a finger at him. "I'm telling Brian on you."

With that, New Brian ran right out of the kitchen and into the front yard.

"Not so fast, Teddy bear rapist!" Stewie called.

Brian exited Glen Quagmire's house when he saw New Brian run to him.

"New Brian?" Brian said, confused. "What are you doing here?"

"Brian," New Brian began. "Stewie's trying to kill me, and all because I raped his Teddy bear, Rupert!"

"You what?!" Brian yelled. "How could you do that?! Stewie doesn't like it when someone messes with his toys!"

"I just wanted to get him..." New Brian said before he stopped short upon the sound of a gun cock. "Uh-oh."

"End of the line, rapist," Stewie said, preparing to shoot.

New Brian flinched as he heard a gunshot. However, he felt no pain or blood. He looked at himself, and there was no hole in him. Stewie, confused, looked at his now-empty hand. His gun was shot off it. He looked behind himself and saw his future self with his own gun. The future Stewie had just shot the gun off Stewie's hand.

"Sorry, Stewie," the future Stewie said, "but New Brian must live on."

"What's going on here?" Brian asked.

"Yeah," New Brian said. "What is going on here? Why'd you save my life?"

"It's a long story, Neo B-rye," the future Stewie began. "Let me explain..."

One year later, after Brian found out I killed you, he was going to expose me for the dog murderer I became. He was going to find the evidence to put me away, starting by proving that I was in the kitchen when you died. Afterwards, he went into my lab and decided to build something that could resurrect the dead. I caught him in the act and shot one of his legs. He said that I wouldn't get away with this and added that he rigged the house to explode, taking him and me with it. It was then that I realized my mistake, and I decided to go back in time and prevent myself from killing you. So, I activated my time machine and came here.

"Oh, my God," New Brian said, shocked. "I had no idea that my death would lead to more unfortunate events, like Brian threatening to detonate the house."

"If I were to have said that," Brian began, "I would have called Stewie's bluff."

"Bluff?" the future Stewie repeated. "You mean I came back from the future for nothing?"

Long silence. Afterwards, Brian answered, "Yes. You wouldn't think I'd take my own life for this, would you? I'd have to be high."

"Oh," the future Stewie said. Then, he started to fade away.

"Huh?" New Brian said, noticing the future Stewie disappearing. "What's happening to you, Stewie?"

"I think," the future Stewie began, noticing, "my timeline is being erased. The timeline where you died no longer exists." He then smiled sadly at New Brian, saying, "Take care of yourself, New Brian." With that, the future Stewie disappeared from existence.

Stewie, however, was still angry at New Brian for raping Rupert. Before he could go any further, New Brian stopped him.

"Wait," New Brian said. "I know what you're about to do to me, Stewie, and I just want to say...sorry."

"Sorry?" Stewie repeated. "You rape a Teddy bear, and all you do for it is apologize?"

"Even after you did treat the family like a bunch of douches?" Brian added.

"What?" New Brian responded. "No I didn't. All I wanted was to be loved and to have a family to take care of me." He began to take off his bandana and turned to Stewie. "If I'm really causing all this trouble, Stewie, I'm just gonna split."

"You...you want to leave?" Stewie asked.

"Yeah," New Brian replied. "I don't feel comfortable being responsible for this internal confrontation. And before I leave, guys, I want you to have this. It's a memento to remember me by."

He handed the bandana to Stewie.

"Your bandana?" Stewie said. "You mean I can have it?"

"Yes," New Brian replied. "A friend gave it to me to remember him by. And, well, that means a symbol of friendship to me. Anyway, I just want to let you know that I'm sorry, and that I love you and your family." He then turned to Brian. "Brian, you take good care of the Griffins like I did."

Before New Brian could walk away, Brian laid a paw on his shoulder.

"Wait," he said. "You want me to take you to the airport?"

New Brian responded with a smile.

At the airport, Brian and New Brian, who was now wearing a green collar with a name tag to replace his bandana, were waiting for his plane to depart.

"Brian," New Brian began, "I can't thank you enough for the collar."

"You're welcome, New Brian," Brian replied.

"Here," New Brian said, handing Brian a photo. "This is the friend I mentioned earlier who gave me the bandana. He lives in a tiny apartment with an old man. Give him my regards."

Brian looked at the photo with a smile, then turned to New Brian. "I will, New Brian."

With that, both dogs gave each other a hug, and New Brian walked to his plane, departing for Florida.

Back at the Griffin house, Peter was reading a note.

"Dear Griffins," he began. "By the time you read this, I've already gone away to Florida to find a new family. I hope Brian will take good care of you guys like I did. Love, New Brian."

"Boy," Lois said. "I wonder why he decided to leave us so soon. We were getting warmed up to him."

"Well," Meg began, "at least we have our old Brian back."

"From now on, buddy," Peter said to Brian, putting the note down, "you're the only animal I care about."

"It's okay, Peter," Brian replied.

Stewie was in the bathroom washing Rupert in the shower.

"We'll talk about it when you want to talk about it," he said. "I don't blame you. I don't blame you."

Brian drove to the apartment building New Brian described and went inside. He found the apartment, knocked on the door, and to his surprise, Leo's dog, Vinny, opened it.

"May I help you?" Vinny asked.

"Are you Vinny?" Brian replied.

Vinny smiled, knowing that he has made a friend.

The End