A/N: My usual excuse: English isn't my mother tongue, so I'd be very grateful for all the grammar/spelling corrections! Thank you!
Warnings: hinted slash, swearing. (As if that should be warned for these days.)
Disclaimer: I don't own South Park, thankfully. That'd be too much pressure.
Convincing
eishi (2008)
Bleep bleep bleep.
Click.
Hesitation. "We broke up."
A pause. "Again?"
A sigh at both ends.
"Yeah. Again."
"It's... the third time this week."
"I know."
"And the sixteenth in three months."
"I know."
Silence.
"What did you do this time?"
"I have no idea, I swear!"
"So, you're the innocent one?"
"I swear to God I am."
"Please don't do that, Stan. You're the one that reassured me that there, in fact, is a God."
"What harm could it do? I didn't do anything."
"Maybe that was the problem."
"Ha ha ha, veeeery funny."
"I'm not trying to be funny, asshole."
"Stop... calling me that."
"Asshole."
"Whiny little bitch."
"Hey!"
"I was just trying to prove a point!"
"By insulting me?"
"You started it!"
Silence.
"What should I do?"
A sigh that screeches in the lines. "Talk it through."
"Again?"
"Again."
"Again?"
"Yes, Stan, again. You two have so many unresolved problems that the tension between you sometimes scares me."
"Really?"
Pause. Then, a reluctant, "Yeah, it scares me."
Munch, munch.
"What are you doing?"
"Huh?"
"What's that noise?"
"What? Oh, I'm biting my lip. Sorry."
An insulting silence. "You were biting your lip."
"Yes, I was biting my lip. What do you mean, 'unresolved tension'?"
A quick, "Never mind."
A swift, "I do mind."
A silence. "Well... Maybe it's because you have been together since, I don't know, childhood?"
A dry, "Our official first date was when we were in high school."
"You know what I mean."
"I..." A chuckle. "Go on."
"And even then, you had problems."
"Uh-huh."
"Which you never talked through."
"So you mean that we should go back in time and dig through our Freudian memories?"
"Something like that, yes."
A short silence.
A chuckle.
Another chuckle.
"That's... the dumbest thing you've ever said!"
"I was—Stan... you asshole! I'm trying to fix your relationship for you, and you keep laughing at me?"
Fits of laughter. "Whatever."
A murmured, "Asshole."
A silent, "Sorry."
A brief silence.
"You're not breaking up for real, are you?"
Amazement. "Of course not. You... well..."
"You're perfect together. Even if—"
Amusement. "Even if we keep breaking up and trashing our house, each others' cars and each other... well... I—"
"You love each other."
"... yeah."
An understanding silence.
"I'm going now."
"To apologize?"
"And to vow my unyielding love."
"Good for you!"
"Sarcasm isn't allowed in this kind of situation, you know."
"Well, I'm soh-rey. It's hard to stay serious when we have repeated this conversation already twice this week."
"This is the last time, I swear."
Laughter. "You're welcome to stay at my place, if the pressure grows unbearably."
"Thanks, but I seriously doubt it this time."
Snicker. "Do you now?"
Sigh. "Are you still mad at me for something I did eleven years ago and can't remember, or something?"
Sneer. "No. I'm just... Well, I guess I'm anxious for you."
"... thanks."
"Now go to him, apologize, and, uh, have—", uncontrollable laughter, "sh-shamelessly w-wild buttsex."
"You know, you shouldn't make a joke if you can't keep a straight face."
"I know, I know." Smile. "You know, Kyle called me just fifteen minutes ago."
"He did?"
"He did."
"And?"
"Well... I had pretty much the same conversation with him." Shuffle. "He should be there any minute now."
"You manipulative bitch."
"Asshole."
Comfortable silence.
Distant sound of an opening door.
"Thanks, Wendy."
"See you tomorrow at the church, Stan. Try not to run away from the altar."
"I think Kyle would be more likely to pull off such a stunt."
"Well, he does have that kind of runaway-bride-aura in him."
"I think his mother's stare is enough to make him stay."
A snort in the other end.
Giggle.
"You're on your own now, Stan."
"You're such a friend sometimes, Wendy."
Click.
Bleep bleep.
End.