Medicine
Song this fic was inspired by: Medicine, by Daughter. Go give it a listen. I don't own Supernatural.
xXx
He wished he could go back to the start. Back to before all this, all the calamity and chaos, all the responsibility and blame. Back to before, when it was two brothers and an impala and a road that led nowhere in particular. Wished he could start again.
He doesn't know where home is. Doesn't know a home other than the back seat of the impala. Doesn't need one other than there. It'd be so easy to just ask for a redo - they could forgive and forget and have a clean slate between the two of them. That's all they need.
He wants to be fixed. Wants to be okay. But that's not safe and the side effects won't be worth the outcome.
It's easy to pretend to be someone else. He's already pretending these days, pretending to be okay, pretending the ever-present nightmares don't really bother him.
He's been told he's a good person. Told he's clever. He wants to believe it, he really does, but he can't choose between who to believe - his mind or his brother. He trusts his brother more than himself but it's difficult when it's his decision. Orders were always easier. Worse but easier.
Once, he tried to be fixed. Wanted to be. But that somehow made everything worse and he's not sure that they could survive that. Not sure that what is left of two brothers and an impala would still stand at the end of it.
Dean met Sam. That's how it worked. Dean met Sam and Dean said that he would be the best big brother ever. And Sam smiled a gummy smile, his first smile, and shook his fists in agreement. The brothers want to go back to that - back to an innocent and happy time where they were closer than the angels.