I dont own, plz dont sue
I tried to kill the pain,
But only brought more.
I lay dying,
And I'm pouring, crimson regret, and betrayal.
I'm dying,
Praying,
Bleeding,
Screaming.
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
Tourniquet – Evanesance
The room was dark. It was as if what little light that filtered through the dirty windowpane was afraid of what it might reveal. Amidst the deep, impermeable shadows sat the forlorn figure of a young girl, her eyes fixated on the dark stain at her feet. Slowly, carefully, her attention was diverted to her surroundings. The dusty shelves, once crisp, clean and happy, now displayed nothing but the dark silhouettes of childhood dreams, loved and lost. Even the bedspread on which she sat was but a dull reminder of the bright colors it had once been. Months of regret had taken its toll on the cheery, innocent room, turning it into a dark void where the cheerful sounds of the outside world could no longer be heard over the tormenting screams of her demons.
So she sat there, slowly turning her hands, the perfectly manicured nails glinting dully in the dim lighting. Occasionally, one of these nails would trace over a barely visible scar on her wrist before dashing away, as if scared of what it might show. It stayed that way for what seemed like an age, a constant circle of recognition and denial, before a shaft of light disrupted her thoughts.
"Virginia" a kind voice called from the open doorway. "It's time for class."
Virginia quickly composed herself and smiled brightly at her friend.
"I'll be down in a sec!"
Shannonshot one last smile at her friend before turning and heading downstairs to the common room. As quickly as it had appeared Virginia's mask of happiness shimmered and broke as she pulled herself off her bed and walked out, determined to make it through the day.
Virginia wandered the corridors mindlessly. Surrounded by her friends she was the image of perfection. Her auburn hair flowed in silky waves down her back. Her eyes were a clear green and her pale, flawless skin gave her the illusion of a fragile porcelain doll. Under her robes she wore a forest green velvet tank top that clung tightly to her curves and a short, black mini-skirt that accentuated her long, shapely legs. She was smart, beautiful and kind yet none of it seemed to help. Even as she smiled and laughed she could feel her soul dying, slowly fading away, and leaving nothing but a black hole of despair and pain.
Somewhere in the distance a shrill ringing sounded through the echoing hallways, signaling the change of class. As if moving of their own accord, Virginia's legs carried her into herDefense Against The Dark Artsclassroom and folded gracefully underneath her as she sat at her desk. The enthusiastic chatter of the other students filled the sterile room as they waited for the teacher to arrive. Suddenly, the classroom door swung open with a loud bang, causing Virginia to cringe inwardly. With a moments pause, a burly man in his late forties stalked into the room, his heavy boots thudding rhythmically on the vinyl floor. Eyeing the stack ofparchments rolledin his arms, Virginia felt her stomach churn. The essays! She hadn't handed hers in!
Fifty minutes later, Virginia walked down the halls alone. Though barely visible to the passing masses, she could feel her hands shake violently as her professer's angry voice echoed in her head. Slowly, she felt an ache begin to build in her chest, starting as a barely noticeable twitch but gradually building until it overwhelmed her, controlled her, consumed her very being. Breathing deeply and quickly she began to rush down the corridors.
. Ten Minutes passed and slowly, Virginia emerged from the girl's bathroom, now wearing a deep blue sweater, covering the evidence of her pain, and once again headed out to face the world thinking quietly to herself, "Next time it won't be so deep"
Time passed. The minutes turned to hours, the hours to days, the days to weeks, yet still, Virginia felt no relief from her anguish. Even her close friends and family, the ones who vowed to always be there for her, could not see the black hole into which she was falling. She yearned to say something, ached for someone to see the depths of her never-ending pain, a pain that even she did not understand. It seemed that with each scar she formed, she was loosing a part of herself that could never be returned, yet she could not survive any other way. At first, it had just been once a month that she felt that burning pain inside her, now barley a day passed that she did not crave the warm flow of release. Her life was slowly morphing into a nightmare that she could neither control nor wake from.
The room was dark, the slivery light of the moon casting light solely on a dark figure on the bed. Virginia lay there thinking quietly to herself as the moon began to slip from the sky, tears running down her face as she relived days gone past. Slowly, she lifted her head from the dusty pillow and stared at the rapidly growing stain on the bedspread. In the gloom it looked almost black, the absence of the color that should be there causing her to cringe inwardly. "Even my blood is black, empty, lifeless." she thought as a flood of tears began to drip onto the stain, disappearing into the inky darkness. Virginia felt a wave of dizziness overcome her and she drifted bask against the cushion, no longer possessing the energy to even hold her head off the bed. Shivering violently, she turned her head to the window just as the sun began to rise, its golden rays filtering through the glass, illuminating up the room, lighting up the innocent decorations on the shelves. Virginia's tired mouth curled at the edges in a smile, the first real smile she had had in months. There was nothing different from this sunrise, it was just the same as the millions before it, yet it filled Virginia's heart with hope. Hope for a new life, one in which she could be happy. Even as her vision began to shimmer and fade, she smiled. "Next time" she thought, "Next time, it won't be so deep" as the darkness encroached upon her.
Self mutilation is a substantial problem in today's society. Too many people feel that the only way to cope with their lives is to create pain which they themselves can influence. Very few of these people realize that they cannot control this behavior. Self mutilation is a highly addictive coping mechanism that can have dire consequences. It is not just an action, it is a severe mental illness and though not based on suicidal tendencies, (very few self-mutilators injure to cause death, but rather to cope with life) it can have the same outcomes of such.
A.N. The lighting in this narrative has been used metaphorically to outline the characters outlook on life. In the opening paragraph, the presence of light yet the absence of illumination symbolizes that Virginia has sunk into a depression, that she is surrounded by love and hope yet none of it is able to influence her. In the closing paragraph, the sunlight illuminating her room symbolizes that she feels that maybe her existence doesn't have to be bleak. That she has hope for a better future
The irony of the closing line is that, when the character finally feels there is a better life available, life itself is taken away. It is my intention that this story will bring into light the fact that no one can control the outcomes of their actions past a certain extent. Just because you have decided to do something about your life, doesn't mean that everything will go the way you plan it to. There are always consequences for you actions.