GRA-zed
"Those warm wet pellets falling on her body seem to wash away the ever racing thoughts in her cluttered mind. It was the only shear moments that all the voices stopped except for one, that crazy one that was trying to justify every little thing going on, as she seemed to relax in that sea of warm wet pellets that old familiar feeling of salty tears streamed her face only to be washed away by those pellets of relief. She tried to hold them back, as to not weep for the sorrows or somewhat disappointments that had also filled her every waking moment's. As the voices started flooding back into her ever loving mind, reality was ever so relevant, her surroundings so prominent. Why could the solace of the moment not last forever, why could she just not drift away and never return she wondered!
The knocking at the bathroom door jerked her away from that last little bit of thought, as she replied with just a minute, the voice on the other side was one she knew quite well. Her heart stopped for just a brief moment as she hurried to clothe herself, before she could answer the reply of the man on the other side that was trying to open the door frantically saying are you alright, please say you are alright...this frightened her greatly since she knew he was not there, for the reason she wanted him to be.
"Are you alright "...the manly voice repeated again as he opened the bathroom door, Emily gasped as he peered into the opening of the door, with such a worried look and the slightest amount of perspiration on his brow. Emily said with a short stern voice yes, what the hell is wrong with you barging in like this? Derek said, I heard the yelling coming through the walls and I was concerned! Well you could have just asked me, as to barging in like this. I did but you never responded! Emily knew she was in another realm of being while raging around her hotel suite, but she was also aware that she had heard no one ask anything, nor did she hear a knock at the door until he spoke and started jiggling the handle. She thought maybe she was losing it...maybe the voices finally are getting the best of her! Emily gathered her things and rushed straight by Derek into the in-room suite making sure to shut the door ever so tightly. She really did not want any more inquiries into her thought process or feelings...why was everyone concerned about what she was feeling? As Emily looked around her room she realized from the chaotic mess on the floor and things just thrown around on the chase, as well as the bed, maybe it was warranted the concern if she was alright.
Emily seemed to have been in a funk for weeks, hell even months...her depression & disdain for her life were beginning to show and make her life seem even more unstable to those around her. All Emily ever wanted, so she thought was to live a simple life, or just have endless means of love, trust, and value. Yes this did make her seem or even sound pitiful, but for now those where not even an option! Hell who was she kidding she was a the one who caused all of this….she was the one who accepted that damned assignment, she was the one who was only ever thinking of herself, but she never really let that side show! Of course, people around her rather it was friends or acquaintances knew some of her desires, but in truth never really knew the plot. Most knew she was emotional and somewhat crazed, but only a few knew more than that. Emily's crazed mind along with her ever rolling personality kept those on-lookers at bay, although the few she truly let in she seemed to lose them not very long afterwards, because that inner demon would soon be unleashed upon them...She had let them in and her own insecurities would bring that relationship to an end...maybe even death!
Emily thought for a moment after she had shut the door, about what was she doing, what was her next move. She could not make out why Derek thought he needed to just barge into the bathroom like he had! Had she been crying out or whimpered without being aware of her own thoughts. Hell had she been talking aloud to herself?!
As Emily walked through the corridor to the parking garage with Derek she wondered how much more could she handle of living a nobody's life...maybe this was her destiny, maybe she really was her own worst enemy, she always knew she would be. That cold hard truth smacking her once again as a reminder, that she would never have him…..Oh God'...was all she could think, please just shoot me now with that lightning bolt straight from above...misery loves company why not just jump in all the way.
Those damn voices all of them at the same time coming from every direction, why won't they stop? Was this really how people are supposed to be, does everyone have these endless whisper's that never stop! Emily could feel that large knot rising in the back of her throat, which meant she was about to regret something or ultimately do something displeasing to other's. Why could she not do anything worthwhile, why must everything come at such a price? As Derek pushed her up against the SUV, he realized he had startled her out of her thoughts by the ghostly paleness that appeared on her face. Emily breathed heavily at the fell of comfort in having him holding her so tightly against the SUV; she closed her eyes for a brief moment to gather her crazed thoughts as what to do next. Who knew being so close to breaking, meant she could enjoy some kind of thrill for if only a few fleeting moments!
Eight hours later as she laid there looking at the dark ceiling still unable to sleep, tossing and turning with what seemed like a fast forward button of scenarios running through her mind about what they had just experienced for the first time, Emily did something that she usually would only do when she was at the end of her mental rope. As she turned looking at the man beside her…GOD he was so fucking beautiful and he had made sure all of her sexual desires had been full-filled tonight unlike any other lover had ever even attempted to do! She knew she loved this man and even though he had told her countless times before and also all night how much he loved her she still felt unworthy of his gift. She couldn't understand for the life of her why she felt the way she did. Why was she high as a kite at one moment, then just wanted to die the next moment! What the HELL was wrong with her, sure she knew she was a maniac depressant, but damn she just needed a happy medium. Wasn't it enough that she had this wonderful man who had always wanted her…..she felt crazed and little alone even though she was wrapped up so snug into his secure arms, wouldn't she ever be happy!
In truth I scared myself, if most knew what went through this sick mind of mine I would be locked up without hesitation! Those voices, those thoughts, if I really acted on all of them where would I really be? You fool some into thinking you are such a good person, you have moral's, you're so kind hearted, but in reality your inner being is a succubus taking or even metaphorically beating the life out of those who are willing! The sweet taste of succeeding in gaining control over people, knowing when and where to prey upon them, it's like a little cat & mouse game...just toying, just watching and waiting for your prize. Once you have drained every last little thing before you are caught you severe ultimately everything, making yourself seem as though you are the victim, while they know secretly what you really are, but to ashamed to admit they fell prey to your game! Even as I write these words cold chills run through me, but also a rush of honesty comes to my mind!
It always seemed as though I had the mind of an overgrown child, who knew too much, but the falter of age was catching up with me I could not tell the difference anymore between the lies & the truths that lead me to the place that stands before me. Having said so much, when in actuality I had said so little, all I could think about was what a mess I had gotten myself into, I had not accomplished anything, nor had I even knocked a dent into anything worthwhile. My career was basically nothing; I lived within my means and had nothing to show for it except some impressive stamps on my passport and more loneliness. A hot mess shall we say, I always seem to come up with some get by quick solution never thinking of the consequences of my actions. So 30 plus years of those consequences pile up extremely heavy upon one, who really never takes responsibility for themself!
I keep feeling as though I am talking in circles, what do I want next, what do I say next, and what do I do next? Was all I could think about, I knew I needed to fix this and in a hurry. Why could I not finish things? I mean I prayed and prayed or shall I say had conversations with the man upstairs or at least I thought the conversations were with him. Maybe I have this whole thing twisted around maybe I am just going through the emotions, or even was I some kind of sick puppet on a string of life? I knew I had darkness in me, but somewhere along the way light was trying to shine through as bad as my inner succubus was trying to hide it shall we say.
I feel myself unraveling ever more so every friggin' day, but I had no clue how or where to begin on stitching myself back together. Sure I would get bright ideas or even shitty ideas, but one thing was for certain my obsessions where going to be the best of me! I knew my fixation upon a certain person for certain amounts of time would give me that certain high I needed, but the older I get it burns out ever so quickly leading me to find another outlet. Why did I have to pick out people for this fixation high, why did I need them? I mean hell half of them where bad news or international terrorists. The few that were in close proximity having developed relationships of some kind with them only made things more difficult it put me at a disadvantage because I could not control them or the scenarios I wanted. But with those out of my reach all I had where the scenarios in my head and I could control that part even if only one-sided. I wanted to devolve more into this, but my mind would not ponder into this strange vast area where all those little voices seemed to be. Those little voices I am certain will be the undoing of me or even the death!
It was almost as if I had become so masterful at my own game, that I could turn the switch on or off to the realities of my being. As he stirred ever so slightly holding me even tighter than I deserved it brought a slight smile to my face. Was that even possible, if so then has this made me seem somewhat normal, despite the war going on in my ever loving mind? I use to be so good at keeping it all in, never showing anything to anyone, I could hide like no other almost invisible! But I believe this beautiful specimen of man has broken or even ruined it all it seemed as though every damned thing seeped out of every orifice of my being. No matter how much I tried to plug the holes or tried to hold it in the levy of my desires broke. Was this my demise, maybe my ending I had so longed for! Who was I kidding an ending would mean an end to the madness that embodies my inner being!