Jiraiya gives Minato some dating advice in a bar, but he doesn't expect the dumb blond to use it!
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto
"MINAAAATOOO!" That voice. The voice of a white-haired, overly-perverted, toad-summoning sensei. Shit… He found my favorite bar… "I was hoping I'd finally catch you at your secret little bar! You and I, we don't spend enough time together anymore." The young jounin sighed as he forced down his annoyance in the face of his I-didn't-agree-to-this adopted father.
"What is it, you old pervert..." The comment made the old fart fake a hurt expression, kami knows if he ever actually is hurt by words. "Awww... that's low, Namikaze. You just made all the women at the nearby tables move away..." Seeing the general direction that the blond was looking in while he was very, very carefully 'nursing' his drink, Jiraiya took the opportunity to hit back. "You seem to be looking for love, kid. Mind if I give you some advice?"
HA! Dating advice from a man who sits in a tree to watch all his girlfriends in the bath houses. Rich. "Good one, sensei, but I know that all of your attempts at dating women you like cause you to turn up in a ditch the next day with a broken nose and a black eye." Not entirely true, one time he had two black eyes. "Nah, this isn't dating advice, exactly. More like a tip for the lovesick to know if they should go for it or not." With that, he made great care to aim Namikaze's head directly at the point where one particular woman's seat met her... other seat.
Aside from being mildly annoyed that Jiraiya already figured out who he was trying to get the nerve to meet, he was completely uninterested. Okay... Maybe a little interested. "Oh? And what would this dating advice be, O wise perverted ancient." Jiraiya gave the blond a light slap on the back of the head, "Moron, if you won't be nice I might not help you with seals for a few months! Anyway, it's an old saying from... Kaze no Kuni? No, it was Iwa! Well, anyway, there's an old saying from a small Iwa village that goes something like this, 'Only a man who's truly drunk, can find who he truly loves'."
Minato snorted and took another half-drop from his bowl, continuing to nurse more gently than he should. "If you want to see how I act drunk then you could have just bet on it, or spiked my canteen on a mission, Jiraiya." If it were possible, the old hermit looked even more saddened. "Oh, come on Minato! I'm serious! It's why I know the only one out there for me is Tsunade! Ohh, and that hot piece over in the corner there..." The sannin let out a terribly perverted chuckle, and left the blond-haired man to his own leering.
Stupid Jiraiya... Just because that Uzumaki girl keeps asking me for a date doesn't mean that I like her back, I'd much rather be with that one Hyuuga girl. Now there's a catch. Too bad she's a main family member, or it'd be easier for me to ask her on a date. "…" The blond took a larger sip. "Stupid Uzumaki." Within seconds, the saucer was empty, and Namikaze poured some fresh sake into it. It wasn't long before that one dried up, too.
Jiraiya was never head over heels for any woman, ever. He always made sure to have one eye on his surroundings, and one eye on his prize. Except for the one time that he was enjoying the view in the Sandaime's shower, while said man's wife was inside. Sensei never quite forgave him for that. Hehehe, look's like my advice is working. I sure hope that old hag in Iwa was right, because that kid needs to get laid. He's always so hung up about that Hyuuga girl. Come to think of it, even if the old hag's wrong, he'll still probably be drunk enough to get himself laid. I'm such a genius!
Two and a half bottles of warm sake later, Namikaze was very well drunk, and Uzumaki was still in the center of his rapidly blurring vision. "Shtu-shtupid Ushumaki and her pr-pretty shmiles, and her low cut tops, and thoshe shhhhhhhorts... hic!" With his mind sufficiently dulled by the powerful liquid courage, he wobbled to his feet.
Kushina wasn't drinking, much. She and a friend were sharing a bottle, and they promised each other that would be it. "Yeah, he's probably the best catch in all of Konoha, he's my soulmate! I keep trying and trying, but he never says yes. He always says, 'Buzz off, Uzumaki-baka, I'm training!' or 'Stop peeping into my bedroom while I'm changing!' or 'GET YOUR CAMERA OUT OF MY BATHROOM!' One time, I-" "HEY, USHUMAKI!" At first, Kushina was annoyed at being interrupted, then she saw who did it, and her eyes sparkled. "Ooo, Hi Minato-kun! What are you doing here?"
"Now, lishen here, Kushhina...chan... hic! I've had quite about... quite enough about... up to here with yer... hic!" The drunken jounin fell onto the chair, slumped like a hunchback. Then, in a very sudden movement, he flung his arm into the air, and dropped it haphazardly on Kushina's shoulder. "...I like you, you know that? You're alwayzz... so nish to me..." Minato was on the verge of passing out, only to snap back awake, misplacing his hand onto Kushina's chest and leaning on it for stability.
Jiraiya was now fully focused on the hilarious scene playing out before him. The forever uptight Namikaze Minato, whose secret crush was a main house Hyuuga, was slurring words like a master drunk and groping a woman who was openly infatuated with him. Oh the rumors, the rumors! He wouldn't let that blond hear the end of it for months!
Uzumaki Kushina couldn't believe her luck! Here was her knight in shining armor, drunk to the degree of total stupidity, and agreeing to a date! She had kept a tape recorder at all times for just such a moment! He was groping her, though, but hey, beggars can't be choosers. "Get your hands off of Kushina-san!" The red-head glared back at her friend, a chuunin named Kurenai. "Say another word about him and I'll kill you, I swear! This is my chance to get Namikaze Minato to go on a date with me! Don't ruin it!"
Minato subsequently passed out, and Kushina gleefully dragged him back to her apartment, shoved him into her bed, took off most of his cloths, and then jumped into the bed with him. She felt bad about taking advantage of a man in a drunken coma, but letting him think that he did something was perfectly reasonable. Blackmail wasn't on her code of ethics.
Kushina was woken up by her bed buddy's yawn. "Ohhhhhhh... My head." The blond rolled himself off the side of the bed, hitting the ground with a thud. "Ow. This isn't my futon..." Oh crap! What did I do last night! WHOSE BED IS THIS?! "Mina-kuuuun, come back to bed." No... Oh Kami, NO! NOT HER! The mortified man peeked his head over the side of the bed, seeing that damnable red hair, and too much skin for comfort. It was at that point that he also noticed some of his own cloths flung around the room. No... I didn't... I wouldn't! I COULDN'T! ...Jiraiya. This is Jiraiya's fault! He told me that stupid love advice and I believed it! I've gotta get out of here... She'll start getting ideas, she'll do... things to me...
"Oh Minato-kuuun, why're you hiding down there?" Kushina cackled inwardly, Now I'll make sure he never, EVER leaves me! She added as much seductive power as she could without bursting out into laughter. "Come back up and make that night to remember into a whole day." It was at that moment that Minato mentally devised a seal, in his mind, that would enable him to escape this horrible place at the speed of light or faster. Unfortunately, he didn't have the time or materials to make it, so he settled for the next best problem solving method.
The village would never forget the day that the soon-to-be Yellow Flash flung open the lobby door to a nondescript apartment complex, holding a sheet across his chest, and ran barefoot back to his home.
Jiraiya was waiting for Namikaze when he shoved his way into his apartment. "So how was your night of blissful romantic lovemaking with... Kushina-chan!" The toad sage couldn't hold back a snicker as he said the name, and Minato's face flushed a deep red. "YOU SAID THAT IF I WAS DRUNK TO A STUPOR I'D KNOW WHO MY TRUE LOVE WAS!" Jiraiya cocked his head to the side, "Don't you know? You were saying all kinds of romantic things to that Kushina girl when you were good and wasted, 'I like you a lot', 'you're always so nice to me', I think I heard you mumbling 'I love you' while she carried you out of the bar with a big smile on her face." Minato paled, "Kami!! I really did do it last night!" Jiraiya watched as he curled up into the fetal position in a corner, and he could just see it, it was almost like a big neon sign. "M-minato... You were... A VIRGIN?" While the assumed-deflowered man cried in a corner, his sensei was on the ground, clutching his sides, and letting out the loudest, bellowing laughter that was ever heard from him.
After Jiraiya had significantly calmed, and Minato had moved from open sobbing to the occasional sniffle, they sat down at Minato's table for some tea. "So... You're really sure you heard that from a woman in Iwa?" Jiraiya, with an air of total seriousness, sipped his tea with his mouth in a thin line. "Yes, I'm totally sure it's true. Warm sake and a lovesick drinker will always lead to a happy couple. The village I learned it from didn't have a single bachelor over the age of 21." Minato sighed, feeling defeated, and took a sip of tea, rubbing his temple with his other hand. "I suppose it will have to be a learned love. I don't see what I would see in her." Except she does have a nice personality, such a strong and confident woman. She's a good shinobi, too. And she's always thinking about others first. Minato took another sip, contemplating what he actually knew about her, other than that she'd keep invading his privacy and asking for dates when he was obviously too busy to think about it. Jiraiya shrugged, downed the rest of his tea, and got up to leave, saying something as he closed to door, almost to himself. "All love is learned."