The Best Laid Plans

"Marshall, I want you to put Barney under oath."

Marshall set his beer down on the table in their usual booth at MacLaren's. "Is that really necessary?"

"Of course it's necessary. I just agreed to let Barney plan my bachelor party, so I think I am entitled to some assurance that I am not going to wake up on the morning of what ought to be my wedding to Tracy in some alley in Taiwan, with a facial tattoo and nipple piercing."

Both men looked to Barney, who merely sipped his scotch. "I'm fine with that."

Ted scowled. Being put under oath or the whole Taiwan thing?"

"Oath. As your best man-"

Marshall didn't let him finish. "Co-best man. Because Ted has best men, right, Ted? Two, not just one."

Ted nodded his assent. "Barney is in charge of planning the bachelor party, and Marshall is in charge of making sure Barney doesn't do anything too crazy."

"Good luck with that," Marshall and Barney said at once, followed immediately by "Jinx." They stared at each other, brows knit in puzzlement.

"Mutual jinxing. Neither one of you can speak until I say both of your names." Ted rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "Since this is the last bachelor party our group is ever going to have, and because it's mine, I want to keep this classy. We are mature, sophisticated adults here," he disregarded the silent smirks Marshall and Barney aimed at each other, "and we are going to treat this momentous evening with all the dignity and forethought it involves. Which means," he paused for dramatic effect, "that if I release you two from your mutual jinxing and allow you to attend, much less plan, my bachelor party, nothing is going to happen that I cannot tell Tracy about with a clear conscience the next day. Understand?

They both nodded.

"All right, then. Barney, you are in charge of planning the evening's events, as outlined in my email, and Marshall, you are going to put Barney under oath so that he is legally bound to behave like a human being."

Marshall shrugged. "Bro, put up your right hand."

Barney raised his right hand. His left hand still held the scotch. He cast a questioning glance at Ted.

"No, you do not have to put down the scotch." Ted let out an aggrieved sigh.

One corner of Barney's mouth quirked upward. Robin was going to have words for Ted next time he saw her. Filter this through a couple more drinks and Barney's retelling, and there would be waterboarding and bamboo under the fingernails.

Marshall cleared his throat. "Repeat after me: I, Barney Stinson,"

"I, Barney Stinson,"

"Do solemnly swear not to take Ted to a strip club, tattoo parlor, piercing parlor, biker bar, etcetera, cross state lines or international borders of any sort, Canada included."

Barney's right hand, still raised, clenched into a fist. "Yeah, fine, all of that."

Ted raised a finger in protest. "You didn't repeat after the judge." He weighted the last two words.

"Yeah," Barney answered, after a sip of scotch, "I'm not going to do all that. Blah blah blah, so help me God, can we be done with this already? All that stuff you're so afraid I'm going to do," Barney vowed with an expansive gesture, "I am not going to do. That's all Single Barney stuff, and, as you may have noticed, I am not Single Barney anymore."

Ted took a sip of his martini. "I was best man for both you and Robin, so yes, I am aware you are married."

"Exactly. Single Barney was the one who took all those crazy risks, because he didn't have anything to lose. Being married to Robin is a bigger thrill than some wacky adventure. Marshall, back me up on this."

Marshall leaned forward, arms braced on the table. "He's right. Being married to your best friend, the love of your life and mother of your children, that's the best adventure there could ever be. You'll see, when you and Tracy are married. I can't explain it better than that."

"Obviously," Barney said while Marshall's words still echoed, "because I was talking specifically about me being married to Robin, but you and Lily are okay, too."

"Thanks, bro. You're not really under oath."

Ted drummed his fingers on the stem of his glass. Did Barney's shoulders lose a bit of tension just then? "So, we're agreed? No strippers?"

"No strippers," Barney confirmed. "We start the evening with drinks here, then we hit the dinner theater for a fine steak and live entertainment, then cap off the night with a road trip to a mysterious destination," here, he paused to tap his fingertips together, "most assuredly within the continental United States. A destination from which you will be able to make it to the wedding, on time, sober and unpierced."

Ted sat back against the padded leather back of the booth. "Good. That's all I'm asking."