Only Time A/N
Disclaimers: Well if I owned Harry Potter Sirius wouldn't be dead, so, nyeh, Jo. And the song 'Only Time' belongs to Enya.
Who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose, only time
Who can say why your heart sighs
As your love flies, only time
And who can say why your heart cries
When your love lies, only time
Who can say when the roads meet
That love might be in your heart
And who can say when the day sleeps
If the night keeps all your heart
Night keeps all your heart
Who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose
- Only time
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time
Who knows?
Only time
I can't sleep anymore. Do you know what that's like? There isn't a new day anymore; I'm just perpetually trapped in this time that won't end. It won't end. I'm sure they don't realize how hurt I am by your death, and I don't expect them to understand. They don't know about everything, they don't know what we shared. Only we knew that.
I don't expect them to understand. I really don't. They pretend like I'm not pushing them away, and they try and help, but they can't. It's not a matter of getting over this, it's a matter of needing you back more than anything. And the fact that it's never going to happen. You will never be back. I don't think I can handle it any more.
Molly Weasley reaches out to me all the time. Truly, I am grateful, she is the one who shows that she cares the most. But it's not going to help. She has invited me back to Grimmauld Place numerous times, extending a hand to help when no one else will even look at me. I have to decline every time she utters the words. Going back there is impossible for me. Memories are inside those walls that I don't dare tread upon in fear of breaking down even further. Perhaps some day…
Heart break is such a loose term. People use it so often in instances where it doesn't apply at all. The phrase has lost it's meaning, yet I feel that it is the only set of words that can even come close to describing how I feel about what happened. I literally feel as if my heart has been torn into pieces, and somehow continues beating as an anguishing pace, a feverishly vain attempt at keeping me alive. I know it's not going to be long now.
It was a week ago that I realized what I had to do. And yesterday that I realized what I was doing. A week ago I stopped crying. And yesterday I cried again. A week ago I became vehement in the fact that I cannot be separated from you. That death, the cruel specter that it is, has come between us, and I simply will not allow it. I have decided to take what has torn up apart and use it to glue us back together. Yesterday, as I was trying to fall asleep, I understood what this meant, fully. I will never see anyone else ever again. Death will take me away from them as it took you from me. And as the tears fell from my eyes I found that one fact hit me profoundly.
I don't care as long as I can see you again.
There is a chance that I won't. I will be the first to admit that this chance is large. That even though I will throw my life away to see you again, it might backfire on me. Perchance I will not even end up dead, or maybe death doesn't allow you to see others. No one really knows after all. But I am willing, and always have been, to risk everything for you.
Our sixth year, I believe, was when I realized that. You and James had always been unbelievably close. Practically brothers, some might say. That year you were even living at James's house after running away from your own family. You didn't come to my house, you went to his. Not to say that I expected to have you living with me, I knew you would go to James given the choice. But, I think it's fair to say, while me and you weren't as close we were involved in something that was much different from the brotherly love you and James shared.
Before you get any ideas…I'm not saying that we were in love or anything. Merlin, we weren't anywhere close to that. But I always noticed that I somehow managed to make you more nervous than anyone. Sirius Black had never met a woman that made him blush, of course, but I sure could bring color to your cheeks. And somehow I was blissfully unaware of this fact. A tragedy in both respects, I'm sure. Of course James noticed, but I think he liked to watch us dance around each other, not knowing what to do.
You really did flirt with just about everyone. Flamboyantly with the girls, sometimes jokingly with the boys, just to make them feel awkward and get a few laughs in the process. But with me it was different, because no one was ever around. You always made sure of that, and I didn't catch on until the end of sixth year as to what you were getting at. Then I started to notice how you said my name, and the fact that you always told me you loved me before we went to bed. None of that had registered in my mind before then, but something finally clicked.
Needless to say I was mortified. For a myriad of reasons. First off, I was fairly certain this was some elaborate joke being played on me and that I was going to end up looking like a fool in the end. A fairly regular practice at the time, and not totally crazy of me to consider. That was ruled out though, because although you weren't above tricking your friends, I just couldn't see you doing that to me. Only then did I consider that you actually liked me, and only then did I think that, maybe, I liked you too. But in the beginning this only served to make me even more nervous because I had never thought of myself as anything but straight. And you…well, looking back on it, you were a bit obvious, but not at the time.
So there I was, stuck at a crossroads with a whole summer to think it over. That summer remedied the entire problem. It was the worst summer of my entire life. For the first time I ached to have you back, to be close to you and to see you. I felt desperately incomplete without you by my side and couldn't sleep for nights at a time before I finally would, only due to exhaustion. If you ever wondered why I wrote you almost every day, well, now you know why.
I couldn't exactly confess this fact to you the moment I saw you, but I was dying to. This time I cherished the hug that you granted me when we met at Platform 9 ¾. I wished that I was the one sitting next to you on the Hogwarts Express, but let James sit there instead. And when Lily joined us in the carriage, forcing you to leave her and James to sit next to each other, and you to sit with me and Peter, I praised whoever let that happen.
But you weren't blushing anymore. And that night you didn't tell me you loved me. My heart really did break, for the first time, as days went by and you barely made a glance in my direction. It wasn't even until we were left alone for a few minutes that you spoke to me. And even then it was sparingly. I was shocked and mortified at what I had let happen. I was convinced that you had never liked me in the first place and that I had somehow made myself believe that fact to justify liking you. By now it was more than liking you, I truly loved you at that point. But it felt hopeless.
Christmas Vacation is what saved me. You were staying at Hogwarts and so was I. James's family had invited you to stay with them, even though you had acquired your own place to stay, but you had declined for some unknown reason. I was used to staying over the break, I hated burdening my parents with my transformation which was due on one of the days over break, so I had decided to stay at school.
The first few days were awkward. You still weren't talking to me much, but somehow warmed up to me a bit. The night before my transformation we had the conversation that explained a lot, but not everything. "Can I just ask why you've been acting differently towards me, Sirius?" I asked, shocked to hear the words that burst from my conscious out into the air for everyone to here. Everyone being you and me, the only ones in the Common Room at the time.
"I was getting to attached to you. I didn't want to…annoy you. Every time you would be reading or doing work I felt like I was interrupting you or getting on your nerves." The words that you spoke had the same effect, almost as if neither of us had meant to say them, but they were what we were really thinking, in all honesty.
"You never bother me in the least." That night you told me you loved me for the first time it what seemed like forever. My heart sang, and everything felt better at that moment. Of course the full moon came and I transformed, as always. It was worse than usual, somehow. Even at my highest moment I hated myself for what I became, and punished myself for that fact. Sometimes, even now, I feel that I am secretly a sadist upon my own self.
From then on things returned to what had become normal the last year. I started catching glimpses of your blushing face, and you talked to me alone more than ever. I became comfortable with telling you everything. Graduation changed a lot of things. No one would give me a job despite my intelligence and, with help from Lily and James financially, I came to live with you.
At first I felt like I was imposing. You actually had a job; I was just living off of what the rest of you provided for me. The definition of me in my own mind was that of a burden, and I ashamed of myself for being such. I brought this up to you once but you fervidly denied the fact, and told me that it was on your own accord that I was there and that I couldn't help the fact that no one would hire me. Yet I always cursed myself for not being able to do a damn thing about the predicament. I told you I was forever in your debt.
Our first kiss was something extraordinary. I wasn't expecting it in the least. I never let myself cry, I hated it. But one night I just let myself have it, just let every emotion that was in my mind be unleashed. And all I felt was incredible, stupid pity for me, which I nearly regret even now. The only part I don't regret is waking you up, having you walk into the room, worry obvious on your face. I looked up, tears still streaming down my face and said what I had been bursting to say for years now.
"I'm sorry Sirius, but…I think I love you." Apologies are stupid little things that come out of my mouth too easily. Every time I feel like what I'm about to say might hurt of offend or bother someone, I let an apology come first to cover the damage. This time, however, there was no need for a sorry.
You didn't say anything, which immediately disheartened me, but you did walk towards me, slowly. And then you leaned down to where I sat on my bed, and you kissed me, softly, hesitantly, like you didn't know what to do. Through my tears and everything, your kiss said more to me than having you tell me that you loved me back. It meant more to me than anything else ever had in my entire life. My heart, shattered and broken as it had been, was magically repaired and from then on I felt that everything would be okay.
The years that followed have killed me. Sure, we spent some time that I will remember forever. For a short period we were happy, and I'm thankful for that. I couldn't ask for anything more. But then you were taken from me, and for some time I believed that what they were saying was true. That you had betrayed Lily and James, betrayed us all and left us behind. Sometimes I wondered how you were doing in Azkaban, and some deep, recluse part of me cared, but for the most part I had cast you to the side. It wasn't an easy thing to do, but I had done it.
When I realized what had truly happened, and when we found you again I was elated. My heart was battered and bruised, but it was whole again. I had you, and so I had everything. Nothing mattered with you by my side, and I began to truly live and breathe again, slowly learning to love you once more and I had succeeded, I really had.
Then it was over. All those years together, all those years apart. All for nothing because of one moment, one woman, one room and one object. I didn't even cry at first. I held Harry Potter back, appearing to subdue his anger, but really grasping on to something that was real. To prove that this was happening. To tell myself that the moment was happening, that you were gone, that I was alone even though I was surrounded by others.
I think my heart is gone. I don't think it can still be surviving and beating after all that is has been through. And so I stand now, in the very room that you died in. Kingsley Shacklebolt let me in. I am almost sure he knows what I intend to do, but he didn't say a word to tell me not to. I'm not sure how to feel about that. There is a strange whispering that is coming from the veil, but I'm trying to ignore it. All I can think about is you. You are all I've ever been able to think about.
Here's to you, Sirius Black. My first, my last, my forever. You left me broken, and now my only hope is to find you, so that I can be complete. Only time will tell if this will work. I am not sure where this will lead, but there is a shred of hope that it will lead to you, and that is all that I need.
A/N: Reviews are appreciated.