Welcome, children, to a forbidden land. Welcome to 'The Bachelor', a little ditty inspired by the actual, original show, currently running on the ABC channel. NOTE: I DO NOT OWN THE BACHELOR, OR ASSUME ANY CREDIT OVER IT!
This is the final piece to Violence and Rainbow's giftfic. Due to my absence of faith in this fandom, this will be my final Smash fic-that is, if my dear friend doesn't request an additional Snake/Marth piece to satisfy her twisted cravings. XD
Thank you for reading. ALSO KEEP THESE WARNINGS IN MIND, DEARIES! DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO HOMOSEXUAL COUPLES, THE MERE THOUGHT OF HOMOSEXUAL MEN, OR A HOMOSEXUAL SNAKE! THANK YOU!
And yeah, I don't own anything. Other than this summary. Phwee.
The suspense was maddening.
The excitement was extreme.
The anticipation was wild.
There wasn't anything else like it. Nothing else could have set the kingdom up for it. Nothing could have prepared anyone for the life-changing, cinematic battle. Nothing could have prepared anyone for the tides of fate.
The battle was unfolding inside and outside Pokemon Stadium. It would have been held somewhere else, but the amount of spectators was far too great for anything other than a stadium. The members of the audience, hailing from so many worlds, were at the edge of their seats. Hearts couldn't breathe, hands were throttling bags of popcorn, and children were strangling their stuffed Brawlers. The anticipation was maddening. It was almost impossible to breathe!
A figure emerged, and approached the main podium. A hush fell over the audience. The figure kept his head bowed and eyes shut, until he felt ready to speak. Once he did, hearts flew through the roof.
"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen! Th'name's Dedede, and I'm your devilishly handsome host for The Bachelor!"
Cheers rattled the rooftop. Many spectators rose from their seats, clapping and cheering at the top of their lungs. Once the cheers died down, the stuffy penguin continued. "Thank you, thank you," Kirby's friend said, taking exuberant bows. "As you all know, this season has gotten off to a pretty stunning start! We've got one Brawler kicking the pants off every pretty boy here! As a matter of fact, the pretty boys can't stop chasing him! What a thrilling turn of events, considering idiots couldn't take their eyes off Roy or Marth during the Smash season! Now Marth's chasing our bachelor, and-"
"We're here today," the Pokemon Trainer said, cutting in on the penguin's rant. "to interview every last one of our contestants! Kids, I hope you're ready to meet our bachelor's amazing suitors, because here they come!"
They came all right, amidst the loudest applause. The last two contestants were tangled in each other, determined to kill each other off.
"Back off, you disgusting cur! You aren't fit to look upon my holy melody!"
"You aren't fit to do anything but wear a tutu, Princess!"
"Ugh! I'll kill you for that malicious remark!"
Dedede happily sent a hand into the air. Meanwhile, two sworsdmen continued to clash their blades against each other. "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Prince Marth Mischka Altea Lowell and Nine!"
While the audience went stark-raving mad, two of the contestants exchanged glances. "They're quite bothersome, aren't they?" the taller, brown-haired male asked with a mischievous smile. His companion, a male with long red tresses, nodded.
"I just don't understand why Snake would want either one of them. Marth can't sit still, and his temper just downright sucks. Nine isn't much better."
"I'll have your head for that, von Fabre!"
"I don't see the need to exert myself any more," Nine said, throwing back his head with closed eyes. "I am, after all, the perfect candidate for Snake's hand. The rest of you are just wasting your time."
"And why would he want YOU, Nine?!" a young, brown-haired swordsman asked, balling his hands into fists. "You aren't anything but a pompous, thick-headed jerk!"
"You, young Lloyd, aren't exactly suited for him either. You were responsible for killing off an entire village!"
"You can't speak on that story, because you don't know the half of what happened!"
"Ooookay," Red and Dedede said simultaneously. They would have shared an anime teardrop moment. "Before any of our lovely contestants kill each other, let's bring out our beautiful bachelor! Here is, ladies and gentlemen! The one and only Old Snake!"
Petals, courtesy of Chikoritas and Bellossoms, were sprinkled onto the stage. Clapping quietly but passionately, the audience rose to its feet. A smiling, sickly Old Snake emerged from the back with Princess Rosalina and Samus at his side, always in the care of those two precious friends. "They're all idiots, fighting over me," he whispered to the both of them, face glowing with love. "Hope they know I'm not going to last too much longer."
"Not if they have anything to say about it, sweetheart," Zero Suit Samus said with abundant warmth, nudging him in the ribs. "They may be willing to kill each other, but they've got one thing in common. None of them are going to let you fall to a stupid virus."
"And don't forget, they've got the most amazing prize waiting for them," Rosalina added, giggling. "Hope burns brightly, my sunflower."
"Dearies, if you'd take a minute and stop killing each other, we'd like to get down to business," Red said sweetly, waving his hands for surrender. "Now, we'd like each and every one of you to explain why you've fallen in love with our adorable Snake. Who wants to go first?"
"Stupid question, jackass," Dedede said instantly, nudging the Pokemon Trainer in the ribs. That remark was the result of the tenth millionth sparring round between the contestants. Samus blew into the loudest horn known to mankind, Pokemon-kind and every other kind in existence.
"Hey out there! Shut the hell up!"
"Mr. Bunanza, why don't you start for us?" Princess Rosalina asked, rubbing Snake's back. Balthier, as calm as ever, stepped forward.
"Why, I'd be delighted to. Pardon me if my story isn't some drawn out fairy tale. I'd just like to say this: I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame."
Everyone in the audience melted. Balthier's competition was incensed. "That has to be the sappiest line I've ever heard," Luke fon Fabre snarled. "And all the audience cares about is your stupid accent! You could say anything and they'd be all over you!"
The dashing Gunner grinned. "You're only angry because you didn't think of it first."
"At least I've got an actual reason for falling in love with him," the von Fabre growled, eyes biting off the Bunanza's head. "I want him because he's the light to my soul! I actually did my homework on him, and I want to protect him! I want to complete him!"
"Stalker!" Lloyd and Marth cried out simultaneously, bearing the same expression of wide-eyed horror. Nine grinned.
"Actually, I've got something to confess. I dream of undressing Snake in the bedroom."
"How dare you, you dithering cad!"
"That's right, Princess. In my dreams, I've given it to him a thousand times."
"That's just low, man."
"Why, Reno. You mean to tell me you've NEVER dreamt of having it your way?"
"No he hasn't, and neither have I! You shouldn't have either, if you've got the slightest bit of respect for love in your body!"
"Marth," the Star Sovereign said, caressing her blushing puppy's back. "why are you in love with Snake?"
Sheathing his sword, Marth smiled at the young princess. "I'm not merely infatuated with him," he explained. "I love him. I have given my heart and soul and to him. I was drawn to his divine, surreal beauty, and always will be. I am forever enchanted by his soft guile, devastating charm, and heavenly eyes."
"Well well well," Dedede sang, beaming from ear to ear. "From the reaction of the crowd, I can tell Marth has taken the lead!"
"Or he might be tied with Mr. Sexpot over there," Red snickered playfully, indicating Balthier with a nod of his head.
"I'm on the same page," the eternally calm Reno said, lowering his trademark, silver glasses onto his nose. "I haven't actually met him yet, but he's got my vote. He's someone I could definitely sleep with and wake up to, and I'm not talking 'Nine' style."
A deathly silence descended over the audience. Nine, elegantly dressed in black from head to toe, took center stage. "I want to give him everything I am," the redhead said proudly, bearing a surprising amount of warmth. Jaws dropped. "I'm the only one that can show him the world, and everything beyond. Only I can protect him from the storms that await all worlds. I'd die to protect someone that precious, and won't hesitate to give him whatever he wants anywhere, not just in our bedroom."
"I'll transport him to the heavens and beyond," the Altean prince said, placing a hand upon his heart. "In a single day, I love him far more than anyone else could hope to love him in a year."
"Nice one," Red cheered, as many of the audience members rose to their feet. Bellossoms sent more petal cascades into the air.
"I love him," Lloyd Irving said, stepping forward. "I may not be much, but I love him with everything I am. I'll do everything in my power to keep him happy, I swear it! On my name, my blade, and everything I am!"
"Now things are interesting," Samus whispered to Rosalina, who nodded merrily in return. Meanwhile, their charge continued to blush, and Balthier took a stand next.
"This is all just a waste of time. I'm going to outdo every last one of you, because I'm worthy of Heaven's most precious angel."
Marth looked as if he wished to cry. "I've waited my whole life to find my other half," the prince said, his voice unfolding as a song. "I now know my destined heartbeat, and I wish to spend the rest of my days loving him."
Dedede clasped his hands together. "Aren't you all just adorable? Buncha saps, I do believe you're all ready for the grand finale of our interview!"
Gasps rang through the crowd. The contestants exchanged fretful glances, wondering about the upcoming news. "How did you decide the winner?" Red asked the blue penguin, wide-eyed with confusion. The bird grinned in response.
"Easy. I took every last bit of their little exchange and came up with this conclusion. They're all winners!"
What an unexpected conclusion! The audience exchanged glances of confusion, gasps and murmurs. "That's right, ladies and gents," Kirby's pal said, still grinning. "They've all won the grand prize, which is a very special trip to Oblivion!"
A collective 'what?' rang out from the set of competitors. A set of Toadettes appeared center stage, showing off posterboards as Red spoke. "Dear friends," the Pokemon Trainer sang exuberantly. "our beautiful contestants will embark on a journey to prove their never-ending love for the bachelor! They'll be heading deep into the bowels of Vandella, where the elixir for our pain-ridden beauty resides!"
"That's right, gents and ladies," Dedede added. "They'll have to get there by charting their own course, which means they'll have to use their brains-AND brawn-to figure out how to get there!"
"Vandella is a realm ridden with the darkest dangers," Red continued, adopting an eerie tone. "It is a land of vampires, devastation and blood lust. The sovereign of that realm is the unholiest creature to ever walk any planet."
"If they live long enough to reach Vandella, the sovereign won't give up his sacred elixir easily," Dedede explained. "They'll have to go through a set of trails to prove their worth! Now, mind you, the trials won't be a walk in the park! Word has it that the people of Vandella believe in blood rituals!"
"Oh, and don't forget," Rosalina said sweetly, clasping her hands to her cheeks. "The film crew will be filming your every move, dearies, and you'll be joined by an extra contestant! Dear friends, I want to introduce you to Cloud Strife!"
A collective gasp rose from the crowd. Snake adopted the anxious, embarrased face of a puppy. The heavens opened, a figure was revealed, and-
Snake's heart dropped into the pit of his stomach.
Marth gritted his teeth. "If we kill anyone," Luke snarled, looking to the Altean prince. "it HAS to be him."
This was composed to Tyler's 'Beautiful'. This song not only ties in with the adoration of Snake's suitors, but it also ties into my devastatingly huge crush on someone. XD And no, this isn't going to be a fully-grown adventure. Truth be told, this was inspired by my old 'Knights of Solid Snake's Table', and 'Shall Never Surrender', but my faith in this fandom has run completely dry. All of this only came about because of a Snake/Marth request from a dear friend.
If that particular friend would like something dirtier, I will happily grant her wish.
And oh yeah! Nine comes from the game 'Last Rebellion'! Just looked it up a few seconds ago, yayness! And Cloud's entrance was inspired by the beautiful 2009 hit, 'Crossfire'. XD
Thank you for reading. PLEASE DO NOT SUBMIT ANY FEEDBACK IF YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO HOMOSEXUAL COUPLES, OR A HOMOSEXUAL SNAKE. THANK YOU!