Recovery
By The Atomic Café
Disclaimer: Harry Potter fan fiction is based on the series by JK Rowling. All characters and situations other than my own are the property of the original author.
He had spent the better part of the past two weeks with his head bowed, quietly accepting the condolences of friends – his chosen family – as he went about his business as best he could. Tonks was surprised at the way certain people spoke to him; McGonagall treated him as a widow, first offering empty platitudes about lost loves, then pulling him into a surprising hug and whispering something in his ear. Kingsley treated him as a man who lost a close friend, offering him Firewhisky one night and shutting the door behind them as they spoke. Snape treated him to something approaching an equal for once, giving him a curt nod whenever he passed, never opening his mouth to insult Remus. Harry didn't speak to him, instead wallowing in his own grief. Molly took to comforting him as though he were her own child, ensuring that he ate and slept with some regularity despite the missions he continued to go on. Tonks had once walked in on the two of them as Molly sat close to Remus, holding him to her chest in a long, silent hug. He had been shaking, she remembered, as though crying. Tonks felt as though she had walked into something sacred, though she couldn't pull her eyes from the scene. It was the first time that she had ever really seen Remus accept any sort of physical comfort from another person, and seeing it brought a tear to her eye.
Sirius' death had hit her hard, and she knew it was eating Remus up from within even worse.
She had tried to find a way to offer her own condolences, but every way she tossed it around her head made her feel like a liar, as though she were only trying to comfort him for the sake of looking better. In all honesty, Tonks missed Sirius just as much as Remus did, and she wanted to comfort him to ease her own suffering as much as his. It was because she cared about the both of them so much that she wanted to spend time with him.
As she flipped through pages of a dusty book, barely absorbing the words, she heard the sound of footsteps in the library. Only one other person went down there with any regularity, so she didn't bother to glance up as Remus inspected a shelf opposite of her, finally pulling down a book and sitting heavily in one of the many stiff, black chairs.
"What are you reading?" she asked, surprised at how dead her voice sounded to her own ears.
"Vampires." It didn't comfort her to hear that his voice lacked just as much emotion as hers did. "My next mission is gathering information from them, and I'm afraid that I'm useless for much beyond reading about them today."
It took her only a moment to remember that it was the day of the full moon. She glanced up briefly, looking at Remus as he read. When Sirius had been there, he and Remus would spend the better part of the day before in isolation, speaking only to each other. Sirius had told her that it was because of how Remus acted so close to the full moon; the physical discomfort tended to get him grouchy, and he preferred to be alone at those times so that no one would have to see that aspect of his personality. It had been effective, she realized. She had never seen him raise his temper. She had not even seen him lose control since the battle.
"Are you staying here for it?" she asked quietly, looking down at her book again as she continued to flip pages.
"I would prefer not to because…" His breath caught in his throat, and she knew what he was going to say: because Sirius isn't here for it. He continued on as if he had not paused. "Dumbledore asked that I stay."
"I'm glad." He looked up sharply, and she added, "I'm glad you'll be here because we can look after you that way."
"I'm not a child to be taken care of."
"You let Sirius take care of you," Tonks whispered, trying to meet his eyes. He was staring down at his book with the same determination she had been. Her hands continued to absently turn the pages as she spoke. "I know that I'm not him, but –"
"You're very correct in that," Remus snapped, still focusing on the same page that he had opened the book to. "Will you stop flipping the pages like that, Nymphadora?"
Tonks immediately stopped, and she felt her courage rise. "You know, one night when he brought you upstairs from the basement, I accidentally ran into him. He showed me everything that he did to help you, and then he made me promise that if anything happened, I would always help you if he couldn't."
"What a charming bonding experience." Remus turned the page of his own book and stared at a new page. She knew he wasn't reading. "It's a shame that Sirius made you promise something that he had no right allowing you to do."
"I'm still here," she whispered.
Remus glanced up, meeting her eyes for only a moment before he looked at the clock behind her. She immediately regretted her words, but she refused to look down. Even if she regretted what she said, she did not mean to take it back. As he silently returned to his reading, she continued to stare at him, her jaw jutted in defiance as she silently promised to protect him that night.
"Despite whatever your plans are, I do ward the basement during the full moon to prevent foolhardy women from trying to rescue me," he said, glancing up at her.
Tonks shook her head quickly, confused by how easily he read her thoughts. "Not my intention at all," she lied.
Remus gave her a small smile – more of the corner of his mouth curling upward slightly as his eyes remained dead. It was the closest thing to a smile she had seen from him since the battle. "I know you, Tonks," he said quietly, and she was surprised at the use of her chosen name. "You're just like Sirius, even if you don't realize it sometimes. You're both protective to a fault about the people you care about."
"It's not a fault!" Tonks cut in angrily.
"At times," Remus answered evenly. "I would just like to remind you that, despite however you feel about me for twenty-nine days a month, you should not care about me tonight."
Tonks felt her breath catch in her throat as she tried to force the words out. "I always care about you."
The near-invisible smile quickly faded, and Remus closed his book quickly. "You know better than most in this house than some of us need some private time to grieve. Consider this my time." He stood up and glanced at Tonks again as he approached the door to leave. "I'm asking this… as a friend, not as a disciplinarian or anything else. You've been the only person to respect my distance lately, and that makes me believe that you understand what I mean."
Tonks didn't know what to do other than nod before he left the library. She watched the doorway for a minute before glancing down at her book to see what she was even reading. A History of Dark Magic: 1930-1949. Great choice. She slammed the book closed, letting it balance on her armrest as she curled her knees up to her chest.
Remus' transformations had long been an interest of hers on various levels. As an Auror, she found the idea fascinating; so few people in her field were able to speak to a werewolf. As a friend, they worried her as much as they had worried Sirius. She had only seen him once during the day after a transformation as Sirius had always been there to quietly bring him to his room for rest. Out of respect for the both of them and their relationship, she had never intruded; when Molly sent her upstairs with food for them, she would always quietly knock at the door and meet Sirius outside of the room rather than entering. The knot in her stomach seized up as she realized that would never happen again.
Wiping away the hot tears that managed to escape from her eyes, she stood up, ignoring the book as it fell to the ground. She made her way upstairs, walking through the narrow halls until she reached the kitchen. The door to the basement was located in there, and she already knew what she planned to do.
Molly was in the kitchen, inspecting some dishes that were washing themselves over the sink. Tonks smiled to herself; it felt as though Molly lived in the kitchen, and it comforted her. It felt like the only room in Grimmauld Place that had any life or warmth in it.
"Tonks, darling," she said absently as Tonks took a seat at the table. Quickly doing a double-take, Molly fixed her with a stern look. "Your eyes are red. Have you been crying?"
"I'm fine," she answered quietly, touching a hand to her scalp. Tonks wanted to examine her hair to see if the color was fading out. She worried that the stress of Sirius' death would become apparent as she lost the energy to keep her hair pink. It took some struggle on the part of a Metamorphagus to keep an appearance that differed drastically from how she would naturally appear, such as changing her age or having an unnatural hair color.
Molly tapped a kettle, forcing the water to boil immediately. She poured two cups of tea before settled down beside Tonks, handing her a mug.
"Thanks, Molly," she muttered, taking a small sip of the scalding tea.
"Is it Sirius?" Molly asked quietly, placing a hand on Tonks' back. The touch comforted her while working to break down some of the defenses she tried to put up within herself. Fighting the tears back, she quickly shook her head. "Is it someone else?"
"It's Remus." She tried to wipe her eyes without Molly noticing, just to make sure that no moisture betrayed her. Clearing her throat, she tried to find her composure again.
Molly smiled. "Is this a matter of your fancying him or something else?"
"No." Tonks put down her mug, leaning forward so that she could fold her arms on the table and rest her head on them. She shifted to see Molly from where she lay. "I don't know anyone who was closer to Sirius than he was."
"I don't think anyone could name a person who was closer to him."
"If I'm feeling this way…" Tonks let out an angry sigh. "I can barely function without Sirius. I miss him." The tears threatened to return, and she had to stop to wipe her eyes with her sleeve.
"You're worried that he isn't coping." Molly nodded and rubbed Tonks' back. "Remus has lost Sirius for twelve years already. His methods of coping are just very… different from ours."
"It's not that." As Tonks sat up again, giving a small laugh as she wiped her eyes. "Merlin, that sounds terrible. I do care about him. It's just… I want…"
"You want someone to mourn with you."
Tonks glanced at Molly, thankful once more for her ability to read her so easily and put together the words the Tonks could never find. "Exactly. I need someone to talk with who knows what's happening, who sees it the way I do, but he keeps pulling away."
"He mourns differently from you and I," Molly repeated, continuing to rub Tonks' back as she slid down to rest her cheek on the table again. "I'm sure that his distance is less about you and more about his… condition."
"He's a werewolf, Molly, not a leper." Tonks glanced at Molly's face to see that her lips were pursed. On the rare occasion that someone brought up Remus being a werewolf, she reacted the same way. Tonks knew that she made a clear distinction between Remus and the wolf, something that Tonks wished more people would do, but her hatred of the wolf sometimes overshadowed her appreciation of the man. She would always avoid the kitchen close to the full moon because of its proximity to the basement, and though she offered assistance to Remus after his transformations, it was always from a distance or only after the first day of recovery passed.
"He's still not used to having people want to get this close to him," Molly continued. "That's what I think it is. And you shouldn't try reaching out to him this close to… Well, the way Sirius spoke, I assume he gets in a right mood around this time."
"He's human today." Tonks felt guilty for her words, feeling as though she was accusing Molly of being prejudiced against Remus when her true intention was to seek Molly's approval to speak to him again. She didn't know if she could work up the courage without someone's support behind her.
Molly's lips pursed again as a dark look passed her face. "He may be, but I assume there's a reason why only Sirius spoke to him the day before."
Tonks nodded, her cheek rubbing the table as she sighed. Maybe Molly was right. There was no point to bothering him, not at this time. Still, she needed to give it one more try. "His transformation isn't going to be good tonight, is it?"
"I don't think it ever is." Molly looked nervous at the mention of his transformation, but Tonks could sense the worry for Remus in her voice. "Poor thing is always ill."
"I want to be there for him."
Now Molly looked alarmed, her hand no longer rubbing Tonks' back. At seeing her look, Tonks quickly added, "Afterwards. You know how Sirius always took care of him afterwards. I don't want him to go through it alone, but I know he won't let me help him."
"He's been through it alone before."
Tonks sighed and nodded. "I know he has. And I know he can get through it by himself again, but…" She gave Molly a pleading look. "Is it going to be worse than usual? He just lost his best friend. I – I don't know what the wolf is like, but I'm sure it's going to tear him apart if it has to deal with all that grief."
"I'm sure it will, too," came another voice from the entry into the kitchen, and Tonks let out an involuntary gasp as she saw Remus enter. He gave her a tight smile. "Molly, you'll have to excuse my taking over the kitchen for a moment. Just wanted to make some tea."
"Of course." Molly glanced at Remus' back as he moved to the stove, then to Tonks. Tonks could tell that she wanted to say something, and she quickly got the hint.
"Remus." Tonks was surprised at how timid her own voice sounded.
"Yes?" He didn't turn to look at her.
"I'm - I'm sorry if you overheard anything."
This time, he did turn, finally giving her a smile that reached his eyes. "I truly do appreciate your concern. I'm just sorry that you feel the need to spend your night worrying about me. You're young. Go spend some time with your friends or partaking in a hobby; it'll undoubtedly raise your spirits a little."
"It wouldn't." She cleared her throat, willing her voice to get stronger. "I'd feel better waiting here for you."
"You'll be doing an awful lot of waiting." He poured the hot water into a mug, adding tea leaves before he pulled a small vial out of his pocket. "As Molly told you, I've been doing this for years. Many more years than you've been alive. I can handle it by myself."
"What is that?" Tonks asked, nodding towards the vial that he poured into the mug. Remus slipped it back into his pocket when he finished pouring.
"Calming drought," he answered evenly, taking a sip. "I will divulge enough to say that a few of your fears are grounded, and I don't think I'd be acting this well if it weren't for a little help. I didn't think Molly would enjoy her kitchen becoming the battlefield of a mad werewolf," he added dryly, giving Molly a small smile.
"You're always welcome in here, mad or not." She returned the smile before glancing back at Tonks. They sat in silence for a few minutes as Remus drank and the women exchanged looks.
"I'm going to wait for you," Tonks blurted out, trying to say the words before she could take them back. She didn't fear spending the night with only a door separating her and the werewolf. She feared his rejection.
"Pardon me?"
"I don't care what you say. I'm sitting right out here until morning, and if you're not out of there by yourself, I will come in there to help you." She fixed him with a long stare that he returned, his face calm.
"I'll be fine," he whispered after a pregnant pause.
"I'm coming in there in the morning."
He considered her for a while, sipping his tea slowly. The calming drought appeared to be having no effect on the already-calm man, and Tonks was becoming infuriated with the look he gave her.
"I'm usually awake by noon," he finally said, he voice low. "Give me until four to... patch myself up. If you don't hear from me by then, I give you permission to remove the silencing charms, but that's all."
"What the bloody hell will that do for me?"
"It'll let you hear whether something went wrong," he finally said, his voice low. "Now if you'll excuse me." He drained his tea and quickly washed it before replacing it back into the cupboard. Without another word, he slipped into the basement. Tonks heard the door lock, then the sound of a whispered voice reciting a silencing charm, then nothing.
She turned to Molly, not knowing what to do or say. It took her a while before he finally whispered, "I can't leave him in there when he wakes up. Not like that."
Molly looked scared. "If he has a reason to believe that something may go wrong, trust him about it. Don't do anything except lift the silencing charm, and then let him be. We don't need two people to get hurt."