Based around 8x5.

This is unedited so my apologies for any mistakes.

I clicked on the link they sent me. Opening it up I breathed in and read the results. I had failed. My vision and brain began to get foggy, I had failed. This is exactly what Jenny said would happen, I still can't understand it I had studied my ass off for this exam only to fail. I guess summed up my life. I was pulled out of the fog when I heard Javi speak.

"Yo bro, I passed! What about you?" I looked up from my phone and made contact with Javi, he was ecstatic. Putting on the same mask I wear every day I mustered up a smile and congratulated Javi.

"Congrats bro, you deserve it. Sergeant Esposito sounds fitting for you." Out my peripheral vision I could see Castle coming into the bullpen with two bottles something and a big grin on his face. Great another person I let down. He probably assumed we both passed.

"Bro, what about you?" I could tell Javi wasn't trying to make me feel worse, he did. Once again I mustered up a smile, but this time I had more but this time it was more a care free grin and I responded.

"Didn't pass, but you know it's whatever? Not like I actually cared about the exam." That was a lie and Javi knew it. Luckily before Javi could open his mouth Castle swooped holding one bottle now.

"Esposito, congratulations! Here is a little celebratory gift, but don't fill up! At tonight's poker game we can celebrate properly when you're not on call!" Castle thrusted the bottle into Javier's chest and twirled around.

Giving me the 'better luck next time champ' he spoke.

"Ryan don't worry, there is always next time."

I didn't say anything or even make eye contact Castle if I actually spoke I would break. That's last thing you want to do at work.

"Poker at 7 boys, like normal! This time there will be a little surprise." Castle yelled as he winked at Javier. Walking into Captain Beckett's office he was out of my line of sight.

I said backed out of my desk and started fiddling with my computer I finish my notes, but Javier didn't know that. That's one thought started coming back to my head. Why did I not pass, am I really that stupid? I began to realize this is why Jenny left me I couldn't bring home the money to support my family because I was too stupid. I failed as a father and as a husband, and now as a member of the NYPD. This is shaping up to be a really good year I thought sarcastically.

"Bro, you okay?" I hate when people asked that I absolutely hate it. Of course I'm not okay. My wife had left me and took my daughter. I still had worn my fucking wedding ring just so nobody asked me that question. I was seriously on the verge of losing it.

Standing up and grab my jacket and responded with as fast as I could not making eye contact with Javier.

"Course I'm fine! Never been better!"

Okay maybe that came out with more sarcasm then attended, but I didn't stick around long enough for Javi to make a remark.

I quickly dropped over to Captain Beckett's office and pop my head in, making eye contact with Castle and herself.

"Hey Captain, I'm going to head out early. Things I got to do." It was extremely vague and I hoped Castle or Beckett wouldn't ask why.

They didn't ask, but I did get a weird looks from both of them luckily I normally didn't bust out early, so she let me go.

"Alright you can head out early. We'll see you tonight at poker, right?" Beckett questioned. I didn't respond, I just turned around and started walking to the bullpen elevator.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kevin had just left the building in a blaze of furry two hours early. I don't know what got into him, I guess it was just the fact he didn't pass the exam. Still, the way he was acting wasn't normally how Kevin acted.

I pulled myself up from my desk, walking in the direction Beckett's office when something caught my eye. There was a shiny key card on the floor near Kevin's desk. It was to a room 12 at some slimy motel in Manhattan called the Pod 51. Why would Kevin be staying at a slimy motel?

Once I made it to Beckett's office, I put the card in my pocket. It's probably just some perps.

"Where'd Kevin head off to?" I asked once in the room.

Castle and Beckett exchanged a few glances then turn my way.

"He said he had to go and take care of things." Beckett responded with weary face. I shot an eyebrow up.

"Did he say what?" Beckett and Castle both shook their heads. Man what the hell was going on with Kevin.

"Maybe he just needed a nap before poker, aye Sergeant!" Castle said with a grin. Beckett's eyes lit up.

"You passed?!" She made her way from behind her desk and pulled me into a hug.

"Congratulations Javi! You deserve it! Did Kevin pass?" She was smiling from ear to ear. I felt some pride in myself. Kate was like my younger sister and I always liked to make her happy.

"No, he just brushed it off too. He said he didn't care, which is a lie. He's the one who wanted us to take the exam." Castle and Beckett just looked at each other.

"Well maybe he's just frustrated or embarrassed about not passing." Beckett added, trying to make sense of Kevin's behavior. I let out a frustrated sigh.

"Don't worry Espo; well ask him tonight at poker." Castle reassured. I let out a huff, shoving my hands in my pocket. I was about to go back to my desk when I felt the key card.

"Hey guys, did we have a perp that was staying at the Pod 51 in Manhattan" Beckett shot me a strange glance.

"No, we didn't. Why?"

"Well I found this on the floor near Kevin's desk after he bolted out of here." I responded as I handed over the key card.

"Do you think it came from Ryan?" Beckett said as she fingered the key card.

"Why would Kevin be staying at a motel?" Castle asked. I just shrugged, shoving my hands back into my pockets. Beckett must of had the same thought, cause she flipped the card over and began dialing the 'Lost Card' on the back of the card.

"Hello, this is Captain Beckett of the 12th precinct. I was wondering if you can tell me whose been staying in room 12, please."

"- One Kevin Ryan okay, how long has he been staying?" She made wide eyes with Castle and I. What was up with Kevin?

"One month. Thank you for your information."

She set the phone on the receiver and let out a breath.

"He's been staying for the past month. Payed in cash." We had the same look of worry and curiosity plastered across our faces.

"What about Jenny and Sarah Grace?" I knew Kevin would never walk out on his family. Something had to be terriably wrong.

"Look let's not jump to conclusions, well ask him at poker tonight. He probably can explain." Castle reassured again.

"I sure hope so."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I was pissed, I couldn't unlock my door. My key card had just upped and disappeared and I had to get the front desk to unlock the damn door. Once I was in I shed my clothes and grabbed a bottle of vodka from the mini fridge. I look my belt, badge, and service revolver off and place them on my night stand The room was tiny and was smelt moldy. It was all I could afford though, the divorce and on top of it the child support was bleeding me dry. I wanted to see Sarah Grace, but I knew Jenny would never let her see me in this dump. Taking another swig I coughed. All my possessions were stacked on various surfaces across the room, this was depressing.

Sometimes it's hard to keep your head up, but when everything goes wrong you start really thinking about wanting to die. I promise I'm trying, but this slimy hotel and bottle of vodka is doing all the talking. I was slowly becoming drunker and drunker by the minute and with every swig of vodka I was getting closer to wanting to blow my brains out.

I couldn't pass the damn exam, provide for my family, or keep friends. I shuddered; by this point Beckett probably knows I failed. There probably all laughing at what a fool I am. I chuckled. And they wanted me to go to poker tonight I was most likely going to be the laughing stock at poker and even back at the precinct. I threw back another swig of vodka.

The look on Javier's face when I told him I failed told me everything. That was the same look Jenny gave me when she asked for the divorce. The same look of disgust and pity. The look of no love. That made my stomach clench.

All the feelings I've ever shoved deep into the pits of my sole began to pour out as I finished off the bottle of vodka. I was practically choking on my tears, while letting my emotions go.

Throwing the bottle across the room it shattered. I couldn't take the failure of the life anymore. I grabbed my service revolver from the night stand and pushed it against my temple.

So much for until the wheels fall off.