EastEnders belongs to the BBC.
Lost Faith
One question that rattles around in my mind since my father ripped my world apart is why? I don't understand why someone I loved so deeply could do something so twisted and so inexplicably evil to destroy anyone and everything. He was my father, my protector, my best friend why? I remember the times when he used to read me stories and make me laugh. He used to wipe my tears away with a gentle touch and his soft tones. This was the man that meant everything to me, especially when my mother passed away, he made an impossible situation seemed bearable I remember him saying, don't worry I will be here for you no matter what and I love you. I remember his gentle hugs and his reassuring words. I thought he was such a loving dad, my hero even... An illusion, a cruel joke that I naïvely believed. Not the manipulating warped maniac he turned into. I'm crying for someone that I don't even recognise as my own flesh and blood. I know that I'm crying for the man I thought I knew and also for those he hurt so badly. I can barely look Tamwar in the eyes as he lies in pain wrapped in bandages and drugged up, just so the agony can ease a little...
I can't help but feel guilty for this, he was risking his life to save mine, the fact he ran into a burnining building to save me, proves what kind of man he is, selfless, loyal trustworthy, and loving. I'm walking around in a complete daze - it's like I'm someone else my mind feels like it's in a thick fog that won't clear. My body feels totally numb. I just want to end this nightmare and wake up and for things to be normal again. I haven't slept properly since the fire, everytime I close my eyes I see him watching me, smiling through the flames. I remember screaming and begging for help. My lungs were burning I screamed so much. The last image of my Dad will never leave me. Neither will the sight of Tamwar covered in flames when he somehow emerged from the inferno. A few seconds later and I would have lost him too. I can only come to the conclusion my Dad was mentally ill, he must have been. No sane person would commit such a terrible crime - the fact he did it not once but twice is even worse. I really thought he could be happy with Zainab and be a good husband. But he was just playing a sick and twisted game with us all, he was the cat and we were his mice.
I can't go out the pitiful looks I get from people make me squirm, I can imagine what they say and think about Dad. He is no longer Dr Yusef Khan, a respectable GP. Just an angry, bitter nutter who craved revenge on Zainab and Masood - and anyone else who was caught in the crossfire. Masood and I prayed for his soul, but it must be too late? How can anyone forgive him. I admire the strength of faith that Zainab and Masood have. Any faith I had has been taken away by my own father, and it will never be the same again.
Do I still love him? Yes in spite of everything I do. But forgiveness is not so easy...
I was thinking about this, so I had to write it down. Please let me know what you think.