Avocados
Once Upon A Time there was a poor man and his wife. They lived in a small cottage near the local witch. They could never find anything that would grow in their garden. They lived from paycheck to paycheck. They always wanted a kid, but they never did.
One day the wife finally told her husband that she was pregnant. The man was so ecstatic that he could not contain his joy. (It involved him running around the village screaming "I'M GONNA BE A FATHER!")
Anyhow, the wife who still has no name would always look over into the witch's garden. The witch grew all sorts of exotic plants, including the most scrumptious looking avocados known to man (and some dolphins). The nameless wife gazed upon those avocados until she could bear it no more.
"I must have some avocados, for with a lack of which, I shall perish in an untimely manner along with our unborn offspring." She said to her husband. No. Not really. What she actually screamed was more like "GET ME SOME AVOCADOS OR I'M GOING TO DIE!"
The husband, who shall remain nameless, didn't really believe her. Well, you wouldn't either, if your spouse told you that she must have avocados. He didn't even know what an avocado was! (They were very hard to come by. That's why they only grew in the witch's garden. But some of us may wonder, how in the world did the wife know what an avocado was? That is one of the questions the answer to which we may never know.)
But then she went on a hunger strike. She stared at her food with vacant eyes. So the husband did the worst thing possible and crept over the witch's wall to steal some avocados. (Seriously? Was this guy off his nut? Why didn't he just go BUY some avocados? You know, from the witch? Instead of going through this whole ordeal? He would have saved us a heck of a lot of story space.)
He made his wife a salad of the stolen avocados and she devoured it like a chicken at feeding time. He saw the color return to her cheeks, and for a moment, she was happy. (Does any of this sound familiar to you? I'm getting the strangest sense of déjà vu…)
The next day the ache was back, this time more painful than before. He agreed to go get more of those succulent avocados, if only for her happiness. (Worst. Mistake. Ever.)
That night he crept back over the wall. He stepped on a twig, and winced. He peered around, and saw no one there. He reached for the avocados, looked up and found himself staring into the face of a tremendously furious (if not also extremely beautiful) witch.
"What the heck are you doing?" She asked.
"Getting… some... avocados…" He choked out, seeing as the witch now had him with her force choke.
"And why do you need avocados?" She inquired, releasing him from her grasp.
"Please! Have mercy! My wife is with child, and the only thing she'll eat are your amazing avocados!"
The witch's face softened. She always had a weakness for children.
"I'll give you the avocados that you need, but when the child is born you shall give her to me."
Fearing for the lives of all those involved, the man agreed. "Yes, yes! Anything you want!"
The next day the woman did not need any more avocados. Everything went back to normal.
Except of course the day when the witch showed up to collect her payment. Her payment ended up being a baby girl. She named the girl Rapunzel (which has nothing to do with avocados, by the way) and gave her everything she wished.
When she was twelve Gothel-the witch- moved Rapunzel to the top of the Empire State Building. No, not the one in New York City. That's a miniature of the original. The original is in the middle of the Forest of Nowhere. This tower had thousands upon thousands of rooms.
Gothel brought Rapunzel pizza (Rapunzel loved pizza) everyday. She rode up on a magic carpet to deliver it. Despite all this, Rapunzel was very lonely up in her tower. They didn't have the internet or cell phones back then, so her only friends were the birds and the bees. She would sing songs to them everyday. I'm sure many a bird or bee was traumatized by this experience. (In other words, Rapunzel was a terrible singer. And by terrible, I mean extremely terrible.)
Now it just so happened that the Prince of the nearby country of Glagiovolia was out hunting for carrots in the Forest of Nowhere one day. He heard Rapunzel's horrible singing, and he, being the prince, thought her voice lovely. I have no idea where he got that.
By the way, the Prince of Glagiovolia has a British accent, so try to imagine him so.
"What's that?" He starts. "I do believe that someone is singing. And such a lovely voice too. I must find her! But in the meanwhile, back to the carrot hunt!" At this point in his monologue he let loose a small, brown rabbit that leaped forward in search of carrots. "Go on, Fluffy!"
After a while of unsuccessful carrot hunting, he realized he was lost. "Oh, what have I gotten us into now, Fluffy?" He asked the rabbit. Fluffy, however was nowhere in site. "Great, now I have no way of finding food. Well, what's a lost prince to do all day except wander around being lost?"
Fluffy, who had gone off in search of way out of the forest, returned to him.
"Oh Fluffy! You haven't deserted me after all!" Fluffy motioned him to follow her, so off they went. They soon came upon a clearing.
"Well that's odd," He said to no one in particular. He was just about to explore the clearing when an old woman appeared. He watched in amazement as the old woman clamored onto a carpet, rose through the air, and dumped a pizza box through an open window. That pizza looked pretty appetizing to a guy who'd just been lost for five minutes, so he contemplated going up there to get that pizza.
He waited until the old woman had left, but unfortunately she had taken the magic carpet with her. So he did the only thing a hungry, tired, and lost prince could do. He paced. Finally he decided to throw a rock up to the window sill to get whomever was inside's attention. But the Prince had forgotten his lack of talent in the area of aim, so the rock only made it to the third floor.
He decided that that may not have been his brightest idea. So instead he did what he would do if he was indeed a prince stuck at the foot of a tower, which he was.
"HEY! YOU! ALL THE WAY UP THERE! COULD YOU PLEASE LET DOWN YOUR HAIR?" He called up to Rapunzel. And it was quite loud for those in close proximity. Rapunzel thought that it was Gothel putting on a British accent returning with the Parmesan cheese.
"UM NO! MY HAIR IS KINDA SHORT! BUT I DO HAVE THIS CHAIN!" She shouted down to the Prince. She let down the chain but was dismayed to find that it only reached ¼ floor down.
"WHATEVER! I'M GOING TO SEE IF THERE'S A BACK ENTRANCE!" He yelled back. He walked around the building till he came to a revolving door. Inside was a lobby much like that in a hotel. He found the elevator and rode it to the top floor. Up at the top he peeked around a corner and found a short, ebony haired girl about to hit him with a salad bowl. And hit him she did.
Rapunzel felt a little guilty about hitting the guy with a salad bowl, so she decided to let him speak once he woke.
He did. After about five hours, of course.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
"AM I OKAY! YOU JUST HIT ME IN THE HEAD WITH A SALAD BOWL! OF COURSE I AM NOT OKAY!" He exploded. He was seething with anger at the moment.
"Anyways," She began, "Who the heck are you?"
"Um, wait. You don't know my name? I am the famous PRINCE!"
"No, I asked what your name was."
"I already told you. It's the PRINCE!"
"So, that's it? You don't have another name?"
"Nope."
There was an awkward silence until Rapunzel asked, "Now what?"
"I dunno."
"I've got the Mystery Game of Ur!"
"Boy, this shall be fun… a game without rules!" The Prince replied sarcastically. "Well, I guess since we have nothing to do here I'll go home and think of a plan to get you out of whatever this drafty thing is."
"It's not drafty in here!"
"WHATEVER!"
The Prince left through the elevator and back out the revolving door. He bounded away with Fluffy towards his house.
"Um, excuse me?" The Prince asked.
(Wait a minute, who is he talking to?)
"I'm talking to you."
(But there is no one there! I can't have my characters going around talking to no one in particular.)
"No. I've broken the fourth wall. I'm talking to the person who is sitting at the computer typing this up."
(Oh, well. This is quite strange. I've never talked to my characters before. What did you want?)
"Fluffy and I were wondering where the nearest village was."
(Great. Now Fluffy talks. Whoop de do.)
"Well, she doesn't actually talk. You should know that."
(I know. It's just that I think I might be going slightly insane at the moment. The village is to your left.)
"Oh, thank you so much! I shall give you a raise!"
(I don't get paid.)
"Oh. Oh well. Good day!"
(Well, now that my odd encounter is over, let me continue to entertain you.)
The next day he came back with a silken rope for Rapunzel to climb down, but… it was too short.
"I thought that would work."
He went back to formulate a new plan.
Rapunzel waited… and waited… and waited… and waited… and waited… and… oh, you get the idea! She just waited an extremely long period of time.
After about 39 ¾ days the Prince came back. He bounded through the Empire Stated Building to the top, raving about his simple plan to get her out. He grabbed Rapunzel's wrist, dragged her to the elevator and out the revolving door.
"That was easy… too easy." He said suspiciously as ominous music began to play.
Gothel appeared out of the blue and said, "It's okay, you can go."
"Let's go," said the Prince. "Wait a minute! Did you just say we could leave!"
"Yeah, sure," She answered. "It was all for publicity."
"You mean you kept me locked away in tower all for publicity!" Rapunzel asked, veins popping.
(Evil witches got to have their publicity.)
"I'm not evil." Gothel stated. "You were never locked in." Rapunzel, the Prince, and Fluffy all stared in shock.
(What? I never said she was evil. You guys should pay more attention. I never used the phrase "evil witch". Way to be perceptive. Anyways, does anyone know the capital of Poland?)
"What does that have to do with me not being lock in that…. that… that whatchamacallit!"
(Nothing. I'm doing a crossword puzzle.)
"I believe the correct answer is Warsaw," The Prince replied.
Just then a strange little man in emerald clothes with a red beard ran up to Rapunzel. He grabbed the amulet around her neck and smashed it against the Empire State Building. It crumbled instantaneously to the ground. He ran off laughing, amulet still in hand, to the hollow tree behind the wreckage into which he disappeared.
"Ha ha, Laddies!" came his crazy Irish voice. "This time I've got two amulets!"
"Um, I hope you had insurance on that thing," The Prince said.
That remark was followed by another random event. This time a brown haired girl careened into the clearing, out of breath. The group pointed to the hollow tree. Because she was obviously chasing the insane leprechaun.
Then another awkward silence occurred, only to be broken by, of course, yet another random event. A giant pop tart leaped into the clearing and gobbled up the wreckage. It then left just as quickly as it came.
"Well, that was strange." The Prince remarked. "Anyone for tennis?"
Rapunzel and the Prince left to become the King and Queen of Glagiovolia (as well as world renowned tennis players) and Gothel continued to be the most popular witch in the land. Not that she was actually evil.
And so, everyone lived happily ever after…
Well, almost everyone. The pop tart suffered from indigestion from consuming so much junk and had to try Activia.