Title: If Only
Summary: Kate reflects on Royce's letter.
Disclaimer: I don't own most of the characters I write about. If you recognize a name, odds are it isn't mine. But seeing as this is a fanfic website, you probably knew that already.
Thanks again to Sunshiny-Kate, the best beta a writer could ask for!
Kate couldn't sleep. The words in Royce's letter were replaying over and over in her mind. She didn't know how long it had been since she'd thought of them, but now she couldn't stop. If only. The two most beautifully haunting words she'd ever read. And although he'd told her to do something to avoid the if-onlys, right now that was all she could think about. She flipped onto her back and stared at the ceiling as each if-only came to her.
There was that time she'd kissed Demming in the precinct hall. She could have been kissing Castle. Though she'd liked Tom, she knew even then that she'd rather be with Castle. But she wouldn't give in. She took the easy way out.
There were other kisses they might have shared. When Natalie Rhodes had kissed Castle in that elevator, jealousy had hit Kate like never before. She didn't think she could be any more jealous. That is, until he'd kissed Serena Kaye. Neither of the kisses had really been Castle's choice, and deep down, she knew they meant nothing to him. But that didn't stop her from wishing it'd been her shoving him the to side of the elevator and that she'd been the one being pressed to the hotel wall by Castle.
Serena Kaye had gotten to share a dinner with Castle, much like Maddie had. That also could have been Kate. Out at a fancy restaurant, surrounded by people, but alone with each other at the same time. The only thing stopping Kate from having that was herself.
She could have brought Castle donuts with sprinkles.
She could almost feel how his strong arms would have felt wrapped around her waist while they zipped through New York City traffic on her motorcycle.
She would have played laser tag with him and Alexis.
That summer in the Hamptons would have been wonderful.
The studio could have saved money, because they wouldn't have needed a two bedroom suite in Los Angeles. Although the case might have taken a little longer to solve. She'd seen the way Castle had reacted when she walked out of the pool, and she wasn't joking around when she said she wanted to kiss him. But still, she'd fought her feelings, shoving them down so deep that she could pretend they didn't exist.
She had an if only about Heat Wave too. It would have been so much better to hear him read it out loud, the way he'd meant for it to be read. She imagined him in her bathtub, her leaning against him, both with a glass of wine. Each word would have come alive as he spoke it, the story becoming more vibrant than any she'd ever heard. She would have been able to feel the vibrations of his words through her back, and it would have lulled her to sleep, no matter how hard she would have tried to stay awake.
She had never told him that when the Nikki Heat obsessed killer has been after her, she had found comfort in knowing Castle was sleeping in her living room. But she would have felt even better had she been encased in his embrace. And perhaps those pancakes really would have been an edible way of saying thank you. Then she would not have slept in his guest room after her apartment blew up. After that night, they probably would have had to move on to Belgian waffles.
There was one if-only that she didn't regret. The end of their first case. They both wanted what Castle suggested, but she'd turned him down. It was one of the best decisions of her life. Sure, they would have had a good time, no, a great time. But it wouldn't have lasted. Neither had been in a place where they could have made it work. And they would have lost each other. Then she would have been left with the worst if-only of all. If only things had worked out.
Now, as she lay in bed by her still sleeping husband, she knew that these thoughts would always linger somewhere in the back of her mind. From time to time, they'd show up again. She didn't mind though, because they helped remind her of what she had now.
Her day to day if-onlys were much better to deal with. If only Rick Jr. didn't have a Boy Scout meeting the same night that Rick had a book signing. If only Kate had bought some tomato sauce they could have had spaghetti for lunch last Sunday. If only Alexis wasn't so busy with getting a 4.0 in graduate school, she might be able to visit more often.
As she turned back onto her side and snuggled back into Rick's arms, she smiled. These if-onlys were something she loved to deal with. And as for the others? Well, they didn't matter anymore. She had her right-nows. And there was nothing more she wanted.
A/N - This story came to me after I saw this manip http: / /-emmaaa. tumblr. com/post/ 14130855769 (take out the spaces). Thanks, http: / / -emmaaa. tumblr. com/, for letting me use your idea!