This is a missing scene from 'Ashes to Ashes'. It occurs right after Harry and Lyndsay talk in her shuttle and just before the Kobali attack. It also refers back to the scene where Lyndsay has dinner with the Captain. I hope you enjoy it, and please leave a review!
This story is dedicated to my beta reader, Kimberly. Her offer to beta read inspired me to write practically all of this in two days, which is really fast for me and her tips and help imfinately improved it. Thanks so much Kim! (See, I told you I'd put your name in here :-P)
Disclaimer: The rights to 'Star Trek: Voyager' do not belong to me. No infringement of copyright is intended.
It was approximately 06.30 hours as the Commander walked into the Captain's quarters for breakfast. As they sat at the table, they were discussing Lyndsay, and agreed she was still in the process of adjusting and they should wait a few days to see how it went. Truth be told, neither of them felt worried about the Kobali returning, not with 37 known ways – or 38 – to defeat them. Chakotay had just gotten up to make breakfast when the chime sounded. He paused next to his chair and turned a questioning glance at Kathryn, who just shrugged.
,,Come in." Kathryn, still sitting at the table with a mug of coffee, called. She looked over her shoulder to see whom it was, and smiled slightly when she saw Ensign Ballard. ,,Hello Lyndsay, what can I do for you?"
Lyndsay looked uncomfortably from the Captain to the Commander. ,,I'm sorry, Captain, I didn't know you had company. I shouldn't have come."
,,Nonsense, Ensign. Please sit down. Do you want some breakfast?" Lyndsay shifted her doubtful gaze from Janeway to the replicator and back. Kathryn suppressed a grin at her expression.
,,Don't worry, the Commander's doing the cooking." Lyndsay's face relaxed and Chakotay chuckled.
,,What exactly did you cook her, Kathryn?" The Captain scowled at him, which only caused him to smile, his dimples showing.
,,Pot roast."
,,Ambitious. What did you eat?" Kathryn couldn't maintain her serious expression any longer and grinned too.
,,Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." Lyndsay relaxed somewhat at seeing her commanding officer's easy banter and marveled at how different they acted when off duty. Her attention was drawn back to the conversation when she realized Janeway was talking to her.
,,So, do you want something to eat? And I believe I asked you to sit down." Lyndsay quickly sat down, and was about to decline the food, but then realized she was actually hungry. She hesitated a bit, recalling the last time she had eaten with Janeway. Chakotay noticed her uneasiness and promptly jumped in.
,,I don't care what you say, Ensign, you're getting breakfast. As I often tell the Captain; as First Officer it's my duty to look out for the crew and in this case that includes making sure they eat." The Captain gave a smirk at his words.
,,Give it up, Lyndsay, I know that expression; nothing is going to convince him you're not hungry now. Do you like Eggs Benedict?" Lyndsay just nodded.
,,Two Eggs Benedict coming up!" Chakotay started working on the replicator.
,,So what exactly brought you here?" Lyndsay noticed the lighthearted mood had vanished and the woman in front of her was once again the Captain. She took a deep breath before answering.
,,I've decided to go back to the Kobali."
,,Why? I thought you liked being back."
,,I do! It's just... I don't belong here anymore. I've changed too much. I belong with the Kobali now." Janeway looked thoughtful for a moment, sizing up the younger woman in front of her.
,,What about Harry? He looked thrilled to have you back."
,,I know. But I'm not the same person I was three years ago. I... I'm not Lyndsay anymore." Chakotay interrupted them before Kathryn could answer.
,,Here's your breakfast, ladies. I have to report to the bridge now. I'll tell Tuvok not to contact you unless there's an emergency." He winked at Kathryn and turned around to make a quick exit, but she stopped him.
,,Chakotay! Your shift doesn't begin for another 30 minutes and you haven't eaten yet. Sit down and eat." She nearly ordered him. Chakotay turned around to face her again.
,,I just remembered I have some things to take care of before the shift starts, Kathryn." The Captain opened her mouth in protest, but closed it again as their eyes locked in silent communication, and her face softened after a few moments.
,,Thanks for breakfast, Chakotay." Lyndsay could sense the hidden depth beneath her words, but decided it wasn't any of her business. Chakotay just nodded at both of them and left. Kathryn stared at him for a moment, before turning back to Lyndsay.
,,What do you mean; you're not Lyndsay anymore?"
,,I have to stop the treatments; I'm going to look Kobali again."
,,Who you are doesn't just depends on how you look."
,,I know Captain, but it isn't just how I look. I've changed. I spoke Kobali in Engineering, without even knowing it; I thought the berries in the berry salad tasted funny. I'm not me anymore!"
,,Lyndsay, listen to me. No one stays the same in three years. Look at what happened with Chakotay just now. Three years ago, I wouldn't have accepted those comments from him, or anyone else for that matter. Three years ago he wouldn't even have been here. Seven would have still been a drone. And Kes and many other crewmembers would still be alive." Lyndsay noticed the hint of self-criticism in the last lines.
,,Captain, I want to apologize for the other night; I shouldn't have said that."
,,I already told you, I'm not offended."
,,It's not that. It sounded as if I blamed you and –"
,,You should. I'm to blame. I'm to blame for all of this." Kathryn's voice was soft, and without a hint of uncertainty or blame towards Lyndsay.
,,No! It isn't. You give us all the strength to keep going. You never give up and you show how much you care for all of us. Not one crewmember on this ships doubts that you wouldn't give up your life for them or this ship. And in turn, each of them would give their life for you. You're not to blame if one of us dies, you're to thank that the rest of us lives." Lyndsay stopped, slightly out of breath. She hadn't meant to say all those things, but had gotten carried away again. This time, however, she wasn't embarrassed by that. She looked back at the Captain to see the tears sparkle in her eyes and realized how touched her commanding officer was by her words.
,,You made it sound as if I'm the perfect captain." Kathryn was in disbelief, her voice soft and tearful.
,,Well, you're not that either." Kathryn was a bit thrown by Lyndsay's sudden change in manner and blinked in surprise. ,,I mean, it would be good for the crew to see your human side once in a while."
,,I am the captain and the authority on this ship; there should be a distance between me and the rest of the crew." Janeway's self-assured manner had returned.
,,Don't you think there's already enough distance between Voyager and Starfleet Headquarters?" Lyndsay immediately regretted saying that when she saw the command mask returning.
,,The crew looks to me in times of danger, if they see that I'm in control, they relax and don't panic. They need to think I'm indestructible. If I act more human, and let them see that I'm actually scared when we get attacked by another Borg vessel, or crushed when another way home falls through, that would only add to their own fear or pain. I need to appear calm and collected to keep this ship together. To do that I have to keep some space between me and them."
,,I didn't mean on the bridge. I meant in your off hours. Come to Sandrine a few times, stay a bit longer at parties, take some shore leave with the rest of us. Don't keep hiding behind the Captain's mask. Be a real person for a little while. The crew wouldn't think any less of you. In fact, I think they'd admire you even more. Albert Einstein once said: 'We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality.' He said even a god should have personality; show the crew some of yours." Lyndsay fell silent, seeing the impact her words had. Janeway was immersed in thought, Lyndsay's words ringing in her mind and re-evaluating the Starfleet regulations she lived by, and found that none of them contradicted what Lyndsay had said. Suddenly the ship rocked and the red alert klaxon sounded. Without a moment's delay, both women got up and made their way to the bridge to face the Kobali attack.
Within a few hours, the whole ordeal was over. Lyndsay had returned to the Kobali, as her conversation with Kathryn hadn't changed her belief that that was where she belonged, and Voyager had returned to what passed for normal. Kathryn and Chakotay had come off duty a few moments ago and were heading to their respective quarters, discussing the day's events. Kathryn stopped just short of her door, turning to Chakotay and placing a hand on his chest to stop him.
,,I heard Sandrine's was running tonight."
,,Yes, I believe it is." His tone was questioning.
,,Someone recently told me I needed to 'act more human'." She paused a moment to gauge his reaction. ,,Care to join me for dinner in the mess hall and a drink at Sandrine's?"
,,I'd love to."
,,Meet me at 19.00 hours?"
,,I'll be there." She smiled and turned around to punch in her entrance code. The door swished open and she walked in, pausing just before it closed and turned around.
,,And wear something casual." She winked and stepped out of the door's sensor array. It closed before he could respond. He shook his head and grinned, wondering what she was planning now. He entered his quarters with a smile on his face, looking back in the direction of her quarters once before heading to the shower.
Fine