Hey, hey people! This is my first bleach fanfic, but I've been writing fanfics since forever, so it shouldn't be too bad. Eh… if it is, you can tell me.
Basically, it's a parody on common 'understandings' of Gin. If you don't agree with me, that's fine; this fic is just for entertainment purposes and not to insult anyone. Oh, and I'm not sure of the spelling of the characters' names, so if I made a mistake, please kindly point it out and not rant at me, because I read the manga in Chinese, not English.
Anyway, bleach does not belong to me, because if it did, Urahara and Gin would appear so much more often.
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Misunderstood
It was one fine day, in between signing his name on paper work and eavesdropping on the third division girls gossiping about boys under his window that Third Division Captain Ichimaru Gin reached the startling conclusion that he was potentially one of the most misunderstood individuals in the whole of Seireitei.
This conclusion had been reached somewhere in the middle of a 'maru' and after the comment, "… yeah, but I say even Zaraki-taichou is hotter than Ichimaru-taichou!"
It was obvious, to one as well-tuned to his emotions as Ichimaru Gin, that such a blow to his Male Ego was obviously the triggering factor that had led him to reach such an overtly melodramatic conclusion about his reputation in Seireitei. However, this thought had in actual fact been nagging at the back of his brain for a substantial amount of time already. There were so many misconceptions of him out there that given the opportunity to lay a bet, Ichimaru was convinced he could win it hands down, even if he competed against Kuchiki Byakuya.
Ichimaru twirled his brush around, just missing smearing a thick, black stroke of ink across the top of his lips, and frowned at the incomplete 'maru'. Take the example of paperwork for example. Most people have somehow reached the conclusion that Ichimaru-taichou never did his paperwork and doodled on important documents, and that the only reason why third division paperwork always made it to Yamamoto-sou-taichou's office on time was due to the ability of one Kira Izuru to stay awake the whole night forging his captain's signature.
Which was total, utter bull.
The whole entire truth was, Ichimaru Gin pulled just as many over-nighters as Hitsugaya Toushirou did (perhaps even more) trying his best to complete the never-diminishing pile of paperwork. Each and every form that reached Yamamoto-sou-taichou's office had been signed by Ichimaru's very own hand with his very own ink brush on his very own table (or sometimes the couch if the chair started getting a little too uncomfortable). Izuru dear, bless his fragile little heart, while a hardworking darling, spent too much time reading, re-reading and re-re-reading his paperwork checking for mistakes to actually be of any help when it came to reaching deadlines.
Thus it was, no one had any idea how much his heart (and hand) ached every time he witnessed a confused Kira Izuru receiving praises and congratulations from the people around him every time the blonde vice-captain delivered the paperwork to the first division bang on time. No one spared a thought for Ichimaru Gin, with his heavy eye-bags, trembling, aching hand and sprained back, standing all by his lonesome self in one corner, watching his vice-captain lap up (albeit, unwittingly) the praises that should be directed at him.
Which led to another thing most people didn't know about him – Ichimaru Gin loved to be praised.
He twirled the ink-brush again, and leaned back in his uncomfortable straight-backed chair, the lure of self-pity much too appealing to deny.
He supposed that liking praise wasn't such an uncommon thing after all (much more common than a hardworking captain, that was for sure). However, Ichimaru didn't just like praise, he loved it. Sometimes, he did things just so that he could get praised for doing things. Which was, in all honesty, one of the main driving forces that pushed him to try and complete his paperwork before the deadline.
Which wasn't to say he liked receiving praise from Yamamoto-sou-taichou only. He liked receiving praise from everyone, even people of a lower rank than he was. Ichimaru Gin always remembered with great fondness an event that had occurred about ten years ago, when he had bumped into one Kuchiki Rukia trying to persuade her brother to allow her to keep bunnies in the Kuchiki Backyard (Ichimaru had been amused to discover that the garden of the Kuchiki Mansion was called the Kuchiki Garden, the backyard, the Kuchiki Backyard, and the washroom, the Kuchiki John). Watching the petite girl trailing miserably after her heartless (or so they say) brother, he had reached the conclusion that he would grant her wish.
As he had predicted, Kuchiki Byakuya had not had the impoliteness to decline a gift from another captain, and Kuchiki Rukia had been too happy about the gift of two brown rabbits to protest him patting her head. Of course, Kuchiki Byakuya had made Ichimaru promise never to give Rukia any more bunnies, because, as he put it, "two is more than enough". Ichimaru, like the nice person he was, agreed quite obligingly. What he had failed to tell the Kuchiki Head however, was that the two brown rabbits were of different genders, that both were prime breeders, and that the female was already pregnant (something, he had been amused to find out, that happened while the rabbits had been in his care).
Needless to say, less than two weeks later saw Kuchiki Maids putting up notices all over Seireitei that rabbits were up for adoption. Unfortunately, the only person that replied to the notice was the vice-captain of the eleventh division. Suffice to say that Kuchiki Rukia was so adamant about not giving up the rabbits to those "blood-thirsty, meat-eating, bunny-abusing assholes" that Byakuya found himself having to explain to Yamamoto-sou-taichou how his adopted sister and Zaraki-taichou ended up fighting – five times.
The ink-brush caught the tip of his nose this time, and Ichimaru rubbed at it absent-mindedly, his conscious mind still fixed on the young mistress of the Kuchiki Household. That girl, Kuchiki Rukia was one of the people in the whole of Seireitei who most misunderstood him. Which was tragic, because Ichimaru liked cute, tiny things, and Kuchiki Rukia was cute and tiny (well… so was Yachiru, but she was always around a very big and not-cute man, so much so that he avoided her quite often…). Somehow or other, however, Kuchiki Rukia seemed to have reach the conclusion that he was a pervert.
Offending, but true. (That she thought he was a pervert, not that he really was a pervert.)
Sure, he thought she was cute, had let her known on more than one occasion that he thought so… and he patted her head quite often, but that was only because she really was so tiny and so adorable. He honestly didn't think of her… that way. Even if he did, he would never dare to do anything about it.
After all, Ichimaru Gin was still a virgin.
And a rather shy one at that.
That was, probably, one of the best kept secrets Ichimaru Gin had, though he had never made any attempt to keep it a secret. He just wasn't the kind to go about proclaiming his virginity, for obvious reasons. Thus, he always found it most disturbing when people leered or winked at him every time he related the longevity of his acquaintance with Matsumoto Rangiku. Or as Abarai Renji put it, "Ah… so taichou… you have… eh… known Rangiku-san for a very long time… eh? Heh heh…" Sure, he had known Rangiku for a very long time, but he hadn't known Rangiku for a very long time. In fact, as his self-revealed virginity proclaimed, he had never known Rangiku at all.
Which wasn't to say he didn't want to. In fact, he had always felt that he should have the exclusive right to know Rangiku (specifically her assets, given that he was the one who had watched them grow to full bloom, and he had been very serious about his watching). However, he had never had the nerves to stake his claim over her assets.
It wasn't that he was not bold, because he had done some pretty daring stuff in his life (standing on the roof the third division and doing a duet with his inebriated vice-captain while still sober had to count as daring). It was just that when it came to the birds and the bees, the de-flowering of shy maidens, the jurisdiction of Eros etc, Ichimaru always found himself lacking in terms of… flair. Honestly. Even Tousen was better at getting laid than he was.
It had to do with the way he carried out his wooing, he supposed. Often, he relied on the well-tested method of love poems, flowers, surprise visits and expensive gifts. However, he had soon learned that those methods usually conveyed (unintentionally) the idea that he was searching for commitment rather than a one-night stand. Thus, his courting often ended with a hard slap, a stomp on the foot and a disgruntled woman marching off to spread the word at the Shinigami Women's Association.
By his current age, Ichimaru had long realized that love poems, flowers and all that jazz did not work. Yet, he had never been able to just say, "Come on baby, let's fuck", which was what Tousen did. It was just so…direct a method, and Ichimaru was the kind who always chose the winding, bumpy, longer route over the short, straight route (because he believes with all his heart that if you always walk in a straight line, you are bound to end up falling off a cliff or smashing into a wall).
It was thus, Ichimaru found his virginity one of the more enduring aspects of himself, and one that he was not proud of. All those times he had kept his mouth shut during those eleventh division dinners where all those men were forever bragging… especially that Yumichika… though the candidates he bragged about would never ever be subjects Ichimaru Gin would see himself having a one-night stand with… but still…
"Taichou?"
Now, the ink brush made a large, black mark on his face as he jerked out of his thoughts.
"I'm sorry, Taichou!"
Ichimaru opened one eye and watched the bowed figure with the quavering legs and whimpering voice. "Yes, Izuru?" he asked lazily, swiping at his nose with his sleeve (thank god for the convenience of black sleeves; one of the reasons he never wore those long-sleeved captain cloaks).
"I… I… eh… you missed a spot…"
"Oh?" Ichimaru extracted a mirror from one of his drawers and peeped into it. "I see. Thank you, Izuru, but what I meant was what are you doing in my office?"
"Oh… well… oh…oh dear… I think I forgot… I…"
Leaning back, Ichimaru waited patiently for his vice-captain to regain his memory after the temporary amnesia that fright always brought about.
"Oh yes!" the blonde looked ready to faint in relief. "I have finished reading the training report from the third seat, Taichou!"
"And?"
"The training went well, sir!"
"Okay. You may go."
As a relieved Kira Izuru made a hasty exit, Ichimaru glanced at the report on his table and flipped it open. Two hours to read a ten page report; Kira Izuru should have been reprimanded, but Ichimaru never scolded. He was by nature, not an abusive person. Thus, he never physically or verbally punished his subordinates for tardiness. That was not to say that Ichimaru Gin never punished his subordinates, he just preferred to do it in a more… subtle way.
Two seconds of his subsequent time was spent pondering the pros and cons of presenting one arachnophobia-prone Kira Izuru with a large, hairy spider for his birthday. (A thought he soon dismissed, firstly because spider souls are near impossible to find and secondly because having to find a new vice-captain was just so tiring…).
His thoughts soon flitted back however, to his inability to lay his rightful claim over one Matsumoto Rangiku. As he had been elaborating on before he was so rudely interrupted, girls generally misunderstood his intentions when he presented them with love poems, flowers and all that jazz. That, however, wasn't the case with Matsumoto Rangiku, Vice-Captain of the Tenth Division (that lucky bastard, Hitsugaya… like it wasn't enough he already had Hinamori, he just had to go steal his Rangiku…). Unfortunately for one Ichimaru Gin, Matsumoto Rangiku had never taken much of a liking for men who presented her with sappy love poems and red roses on Valentine's Day.
Basically because it spelt C-O-M-M-I-T-M-E-N-T to her, and Matsumoto Rangiku valued her single (very active, but single) life.
Much like Ichimaru Gin (only, his single-hood was a lot less active than Matsumoto Rangiku's).
Thus honestly, he supposed, he should just walk up to Matsumoto Rangiku and say, "Hey, Rangiku, let's fuck." However, that would just sink him to Tousen's level, which was quite disturbing in some sense. Yet, that was probably the only way he could ever, ever lay claim to his assets.
Perhaps, he could send her a bouquet of flowers with a letter stating his intentions.
Nah… too direct.
It would be so much easier if she would just go up to him and ask him his intentions instead of just throwing away the flowers, like he knew she was. He could never tell her that all he wanted to do was to get laid with her, but if asked, he would not have any qualms in telling her the truth. After all, Ichimaru Gin had never been a great liar.
Another aspect about him that almost no one realized.
People always complained that Ichimaru-taichou was a trickster, that he was always playing pranks on other people, that he was such a poker-faced liar, which was mostly true, except for the poker-faced liar part. Ichimaru Gin could never lie with a straight-face even if his life depended on it.
Thus, the permanent smile on his face.
However, even sticking a smile on his face permanently never worked, especially with people who knew him well (i.e. Rangiku and Aizen). Thus, Ichimaru Gin never lied.
He just never told the truth.
If someone questioned him on something he did not wish to reveal, he would tell them everything but the thing he didn't want to tell them. If they did not believe him, he just kept quiet and smiled. That always worked, and he never ended up giggling like a schoolgirl because he wasn't lying – just not telling the truth.
It was thus that Ichimaru always thought people who accused him of lying were idiots, because that was evidently what they were.
It never failed to amuse him to no end that Aizen was one of those people.
The next thing about him that was often misunderstood was only between him, Tousen and Aizen. All parties involved (other than himself of course) were under the impression that he had a great amount of respect for the Fifth Division Captain, or, as Tousen put it, the Great Inspirational Leader who will Lead us to the Least Bloody Path.
Total, utter bull – again.
It was, after all, a little too difficult to muster any respect for a man who had deliberately weakened the joints of his glasses so it will disintegrate dramatically once exposed to a large amount of Menos Grande aura.
(Oh, and he had a pocket-sized wax bottle in his right pocket, and he practiced gelling his hair back with one hand without a mirror four times a week, two hours per session.)
Aizen Sousuke would be, in Ichimaru Gin's opinion, much too theatrical an evil villain to be taken seriously, if not for a substantial amount of grey matter packed away in the cranial space beneath all those brown curls. And his sliminess and preference for going the long winding way of course, which was, in Ichimaru Gin's opinion again, a sign of great intelligence and a reflection of a profound understanding of Murphy's Laws.
This was the only reason why Ichimaru Gin ever bothered following Aizen Sousuke. He had come within a millimeter of rejecting the renegade captain though when he had crawled into Ichimaru's bedroom one stormy night, wearing nothing but a plain white yukata. After an embarrassing fifteen minutes of Aizen Sousuke trying to explain to Ichimaru that he wasn't here for the third captain's virgin body and Ichimaru Gin trying to explain to Aizen that while he was interested in ridding himself of his virginity, he preferred the person he got rid of it with to not have an orb and scepter, the misunderstanding had been cleared with Aizen declaring at the top of his voice that he had just had a very interesting night with one Unohana Retsu.
Ichimaru Gin was well-versed enough in the usage of euphemisms to pick up one when he heard it.
He was also well-versed enough in the art of apologies to elicit one from Aizen Sousuke (for causing him much emotional trauma and destroying his new fur rug) before he allowed the fifth captain to continue with his explanations.
At first, he hadn't been interested. When he heard poor Rukia-chan may have to be disintegrated, his level of interest had dropped even further. Then Aizen Sousuke had pointed out that taking over the whole of Soul Society would allow him to do anything he wanted to.
All of a sudden, Ichimaru Gin realized that joining Aizen in his rebellion to take over the whole of Soul Society would be one hell of a long winding way of getting into dear Rangiku's hakama.
It was love at second sight with Aizen's plans.
Slowly, Ichimaru Gin lowered his ink brush and smiled into his still incomplete 'maru'. He wondered how Yamamoto-sou-taichou would react to that confession, if he ever had to hear it.
It would probably involve a lot of fire balls flying around and one Ichimaru Gin slowly burning into black, crispy bits.
Which reminded him – wasn't it time for lunch?
Very slowly, Ichimaru Gin raised the ink brush to his lips, and he gnawed at the back of the brush, wondering where he should go for lunch. Perhaps the salad bar, given how fat he was becoming…
Ah wait… that was under misconception about him that people had – that Ichimaru Gin was as skinny as a stick. That wasn't true of course. Beneath all the layers of cloth was a lean muscular build, with real muscles on them (not like that Yumichika fellow).
It made sense after all, if one were to observe his zanpakuto. There were generally two types of zanpakuto; the kidoh kind, like dear Hinamori-chan's, and the fighting kind that the eleventh division fancied so much. If one were to observe that Shinsou's ability was to extend infinitely, thus enlarging his fighting range, one would have to concede that Shinsou was a fighting zanpakuto, not a kidoh zanpakuto, and that a substantial amount of physical strength was required to hold Shinsou steady as it extended (due to the shifting of the center of gravity and all that jazz).
All that should have clued any keen observer onto the fact that he was in actual fact about as muscular as the average eleventh division member.
Unfortunately, keen observers were a little lacking in Soul Society, thus Ichimaru Gin's hot, manly physique remained unknown to all the lovely ladies out there, much to his obvious distress.
However, all that was very much beside the point. The point was that it was lunch time and his stomach was growling, and he had no idea where he should go for lunch (definitely not the third division cafeteria because the food there tastes like it just came out of the wrong end of the human anatomy). Honestly, he had no idea how he had become so hungry. Indulging in self-pity was such an energy-consuming process.
"T... t… taichou?"
"Yes, Izuru?"
"You have a guest…"
"Gin! Oops, I mean, Ichimaru-taichou!"
All captains are swift in mind, and even swifter in body, which was fortunate since it saved Ichimaru Gin the trip to the first division office to explain how the candidate application form for the third division just became nothing more than a big blob of black ink.
"Yes, Rangiku?" he asked calmly, in total disregard of his black, wet hands.
Ichimaru Gin watched the brilliant smile and the Assets come bouncing merrily towards him.
"See, Gin…"
"Oh yeah, I see alright…"
"What?"
"Uh… nothing." Gin grinned in the vague direction of the brilliant smile. "What was it now, Rangiku?"
The smile widened even more and the Assets bounced even more energetically. "It's like that you see…" she explained, leaning over just slightly, much to one Ichimaru Gin's delight (and one Kira Izuru's red-faced dismay). "It's lunch time, it's a great day, and you and I are both stuck indoors, so I was thinking, maybe we should go out for lunch together – like old times."
"Like old times?" young Izuru squeaked from somewhere behind the long, orange tresses and Ichimaru's smile widened.
Matsumoto laughed. "We never had sex," she said plainly, and Kira Izuru turned even redder.
Ichimaru stared up at the Assets bouncing around merrily as their owner laughed then focused on the crystal-blue eyes. "I'm not eating anything other than salad for lunch," he announced. "I'm getting fat. So if you're eating with me, Rangiku, you'll have to bear with celery, carrots and cucumbers." He smiled happily into his unfinished 'maru'. What an excellently indirect way to let her know that he was not skinny and that he was willing to go out and eat lunch with her.
Matsumoto shrugged. "Fine by me," she said with a straight-face. "My boobs need more vitamins recently."
"Ah well, that's great then I suppose," Ichimaru beamed, getting up and stepping over one twitching Kira Izuru.
As both he and Matsumoto Rangiku trailed out of the third division, one Ichimaru Gin found himself pondering the strange similarities between him and one Matsumoto Rangiku, namely that they were both scornful of commitment and that they were both obsessed with her Assets.
They were a match made in heaven, he swore.
"Rangiku."
"Yeah, Gin?"
"You know… we've never had sex before."
"Of course I know, Gin. So?"
"Oh nothing. Just something… amusing."
He could ask her and she would agree right away, but he would rather stick with Aizen's plans. Given his luck with getting laid, something would definitely happen that would make the impossible really impossible.
"Damn! Hey Gin! Can we go to the toilet first? I just remembered that I've got my freaking period and I haven't changed my tampon in like forever."
Ah, he just knew it. "Of course, Rangiku."
And that was one last thing most people never knew of Gin.
He was almost, always right.
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