K2: Save Me From Myself Chapter 1
"Heyyyyyy Kyle, lesh fuck," I slur, putting my arm around the cute little ginger. He rolls his perfect, sparkly green eyes at me but doesn't move. I don't know if it's to keep me steady or because he is willing to go along with my suggestion, but I hope it's the latter.
"Kenny, you're drunk. And I'm not gay," Kyle says, his voice an irritated monotone. He's always like this. I sigh disappointedly. But then, I see a chink in the armour, a softening of his face. Hint of a smile. Something shining in his eyes. I move his face slightly...
...and puke right over his shoulder. I hear a disgusted noise come from him. My heart feels crushed. "Sorry dude." I pull away from him and wipe my mouth on the back of my sleeve, which just disgusts him further.
"You need to get home. Now." His glare is so intense; it punches me in the stomach and leaves me completely winded. I hold onto his shoulders to keep from falling.
"I don have a ride home," I admit. He sighs and grabs my arm, leading me outside. The brisk mountain air slaps me in the face. Kyle shivers and pulls his hat down lower on his head, a habit he's developed. He leads me to his car and opens the door for me. What a gentleman. Kyle walks around to the other side and gets in as well. I stumble in and fumble with the seat belt, unable to fasten it with my drunken reflexes. After a few minutes of impatiently tapping his foot on the floor of the car, Kyle reaches over and does the damn thing for me.
"If you puke in here, I swear I'll kill you," Kyle threatens, fixing me with a death glare before pulling out of the lot. He drives slowly. I'm not sure if I'd prefer him driving fast or slow. Either get me home soon so I don't puke on him, or drive slowly so I spend more time in these close quarters with him (not to mention make sure my stomach doesn't churn so bad I can't hold in my barf). "Why do you do this to yourself dude?" I groan.
"Long or short version? Either way you'll be listening to me for a while." My speech has become a little less slurred. Kyle doesn't respond, waiting for me to continue. "Look, I like drinking okay? What's the problem?"
"The problem is that you get obliterated at least three times a week. It's not healthy. What are you running from?" Oh Kyle. If only you knew.
"I'd rather not talk about it." He looks at me out of the corner of his eye, but I look straight ahead, not wanting to see the look in those sparkling green orbs of light. He sighs.
"If you say so." He turns on the radio and we drive the rest of the way in silence.
"Come on, I'm fucking cold!" Kyle whines, bouncing from foot to foot and pulling on his hat. Kyle rarely cusses, but he really hates being cold. Kinda ironic that he lives here then. I search every one of my pockets but I can't find my keys. Kyle impatiently taps his foot loudly behind me.
"I must have lost them..." I mumble. The cold has sobered me somewhat. Kyle huffs and heads back to the car. He gets in and for a moment I'm struck by panic, thinking he is going to drive away and leave me alone in the cold. He rolls his eyes and opens the door again.
"Get your ass in here if you don't wanna freeze it off!" he yells, slamming the door once more. I sigh, smile slightly to myself, and get back in the car. "You can spend the night at my house. We'll call a locksmith in the morning or something."
"Okay." Kyle is the only one who knows about my parents skipping out on us. They left about eight months ago. Karen ran away a few months after. Karen. Just thinking of her is like having a clip or two emptied in my gut. It's my fault she left. I came home drunk all the time. She'd have to clean me up and take care of me, and she's only sixteen. It was unfair of me to place such an awful burden on her. After she left, things just got worse. And now here I am, twenty years old with a fake ID in my pocket, booze clouding my brain, no parents, no family, and only one real friend who's not going to be around much longer.
"Kenny...Kenny, are you crying?" Kyle asks, his voice soft and colored with concern. I hadn't even realized it until he pointed it out. I wiped the tears away and sniffed.
"I'm fine." Even though Kyle doesn't yet live in a dorm, he soon plans to. He's only nineteen but he can't live with his parents forever. Soon he's going to move away, like everyone else has, and I'll be all alone in this pissant little mountain town for the rest of my life.
Suddenly Kyle slams on the brakes, stopping right in the middle of the street, and turns to look at me. "Dammit dude, you are not fine. And if you don't stop denying it, you're gonna implode. Self-destruction isn't far down the road for you. And I'm not gonna let you keep falling anymore. So start talking." He crosses his arms over his chest and stares at me, one eyebrow raised, annoyance and concern fighting for dominance on his face. I don't meet his eyes. He begins tapping his foot yet again. I sigh in defeat.
"All right, fine, but can we at least wait until we get to your house?" I ask. Kyle sighs exasperatedly and nods, turning back to the road and driving once again. It's 2:47 in the morning when we reach his house. We quietly enter and tiptoe up the stairs and into his room, gently shutting the door behind us. Kyle lets out a relieved breath, back against the door. He whips his head around, fixing his gaze on me.
"Start talking. Now." I flop down on his bed. I'm not entirely sure where to begin. The room is still spinning slightly. He clears his throat loudly. Kyle has never been known for his patience.
"It's just...everything dude. My life is going nowhere. My parents are gone, I drove my sister away, everyone's moved away or just become distant, and I'm the only one who's standing still. I just couldn't handle it anymore. Everything, all this change, it's all too much. I don't know what to do..." Tears fall silently and leave trails down my cheeks. No sobbing, no weeping. Only cold, bitter tears. Kyle comes over and hugs me tightly. I cling to him like a piece of flotsam in a raging sea. My anchor in a tidal wave.
"Karen will come back. I don't know about your parents, but Karen loves you, so she'll come back. And you know you can always go to college. And I promise I won't leave you. No matter how far down you sink, I'll bring you back. You can always count on me." He rubs my back. His words cause more tears to squeeze between my shut eyes.
Oh Kyle. If only you knew. If only you knew the biggest secret I haven't told you. That I'm madly and desperately in love with you.
I don't exactly know when it started. I just remember suddenly noticing things about him. Things I hadn't paid attention to before. Like the way his nose wrinkles up when he's annoyed, the way his eyebrows knit together when he's angry. The little dimple in his right cheek that only surfaces occasionally, on those glorious moments when he truly smiles. How his eyes sparkle when he's happy. Little things like that. The details. I found myself wanting to be near him all the time, wanting to have the smallest amount of physical contact, just so I could pretend it meant something more.
Sooner or later I realized what these feelings meant. And when I did, I couldn't be around him without being painfully aware of how much I wanted him. Not just his body, but him, completely and entirely. Mind, body, soul, and everything in between. Yet I've never gotten up the nerve to tell him. And how could I? He's so...Kyle. I mean, it's not like he'd treat me any differently if he knew I had feelings for him...at least I don't think he would. I just...I don't know. As long as he doesn't know, it can always be a fairy tale, not a crushed dream. I can always hope that there's a happy ending instead of feeling the pain of reality. And how could someone like him ever want someone like me?
"We should probably both get some sleep," he whispers, yawning in my face and smiling sleepily. I smile and nod. He gets up and throws a box of tissues at me. I catch them effortlessly and try to blow my nose as graciously as possible.
"So where am I going to sleep?" I ask as Kyle returns from the bathroom, having changed into a pair of pajama pants and a white long sleeved shirt. He ponders the question for a moment or two.
"Hmm...well you're the guest and all so you oughta take my bed...but I really don't think it'd be good if my parents knew you were here, so that rules out either of us sleeping on the couch..." He remains quiet.
"W-well...we could always share I guess?" I suggest. My face feels warm and my voice is shaky. If Kyle notices, he doesn't comment. Simply weighs the options in his head and finally comes to a decision.
"Yeah, that's fine. There should be enough room for both of us. It might be kinda tight though." Like music to my ears, he agrees to my invitation. He climbs onto the bed and under the blanket. "I've only got one comforter so we'll have to share...Sorry."
"It's cool," I say, when I'm actually thanking god for this fact. He climbs into the bed and smiles in embarrassment, inviting me to join him. My heart beats like a drum, like some pissed off bastard is bashing out angst-ridden, angry notes and rhythms from the muscle in my chest. I tentatively climb in next to him; our bodies are pressed up next to each other and I feel an intense heat radiating off of my face. I want to curl up in a ball and hide, run as far away as I can, and turn to him and pull his face to mine and kiss him, somehow all in equal amount. He's out in a matter of minutes. I turn and watch him. His chest rises and falls with each inhale and exhale. Suddenly he shifts and he has his arms around me.
Every muscle in my body stiffens. If I move even slightly and cause him to wake up, I don't know what'll happen. But just looking at him...so peaceful and cute...I feel like I can't help myself. Our faces are so close together. I want to close the distance and connect our lips. I can hear my heart beating. Maybe...if I just lightly kiss him...
He twitches and rolls back over. I sigh with disappointment. The tension leaves my body slowly. I flip over and face the wall. I wonder how I'm ever going to get to sleep with him so close by. Our feet are tangled together. I can't fight off my erection. If only the scene were a little different, this moment would be completely perfect.
Okay Kenny. Breathe. In. Out. I feel a little calmer. I resolve to stay facing the wall no matter what. I try to stop thinking about him lying there, only a few inches away, in the same bed as me...I mentally slap myself. I need to think of something, anything. I close my eyes and reminisce of when we were younger. All the crazy shit that has happened to us over the years. Suddenly my eyelids feel heavy. I welcome sleep with a smile.