"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."
-Bob Marley
...
don't fool yourself
she was heartache from the moment that you met her
my heart is frozen still
cause i try to find the will to forget her somehow
she's somewhere out there now
/
oh my tears are falling down as i try to forget
her love was a joke from the day that we met
all of the words all of the men
all of my pain when i think back to when
remember her hair as it shone in the sun
the smell of the bed when i knew what she'd done
tell yourself over and over you won't ever need her again
...
He hates her. He hates her he hates her he hates her. How could she do that to him? How?
His hands pull at his hair as he tries to quiet the silent sobs wracking his body. He's sitting in a bathroom stall. On a fucking toilet. Crying like a fucking baby.
He hates himself too come to think of it. How could he let himself trust her? After everything that happened with Quinn? All girls are evil. He'd thought Rachel was different, and he'd thought he'd lucked out cuz he'd just so happen to fall head over heels for a girl who'd never do anything to hurt him. But he was stupid and naïve and a big fat moron like usual. She tricked him into giving her his heart and then she stomped all over it. If only he'd never let himself fall so far for her, then he wouldn't be here right now, wanting the floor to disappear underneath him so he could descend into black oblivion. He feels blackened, deadened, empty- that the one constant in his life, the one person that made him feel so fucking good like no one and nothing else ever had, was a lie, a dream that never really existed in the first place. He feels like he'll never be okay again.
His phone rings. It's Rachel, again. He ignores it.
Then comes a text. From Santana.
Where are you? Glee's about to start, the Hobbit looks like she's about to flip a shit. Are the rumors true? Did you guys finally break up?
He hates Santana too. No, actually, he should be grateful to her. For showing him what Rachel's true colors really look like. He wishes she'd stop bothering him though, what does this girl have against the world? It's like she goes around every day trying to make everyone around her as unhappy as she is. It's pathetic. No, he doesn't hate her and he's not really thankful for her either, he just feels plain sorry for her.
He takes in a couple of deep, shaky breaths. He really wants to ditch practice just this once. He knows he won't be able to look at Rachel without wanting to hurl. Or worse, start weeping like an idiot again.
He's lucky he got to the bathroom so fast after what happened, he was this close to showing the entire school how big of a sentimental foolish prick he is. His adam's apple is aching from him swallowing it so much (to try to the hold the tears back after Rachel told him what she'd done).
But if there's one thing he can say about Glee club, is that it always makes him feel better. And right now there's nothing more in the world he wants to do right now than feel less shitty. He wipes the stale tears off his jaw and clenches his teeth, he can do this, just make it through the day, smile and sing and pretend that it doesn't feel like the whole world's falling in on him from all corners.
…
come on skinny love just last the year
pour a little salt we were never here
my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer
/
i tell my love to wreck it all
cut out all the ropes and let me fall
my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
right in the moment this order's tall
...
She hates herself. She hates herself she hates herself she hates herself. How could she be so thoughtless? So spiteful? So imbecilic?
She puts on a brave face as she removes all of the Finchel paraphernalia from her locker. Doing that number in the auditorium was just awful. For a little bit, she'd been able to let herself go in the music, dance around like she did in her bedroom, but then she'd looked at him, and he'd looked at her, and all she'd wanted to do was run over to him and jump into his arms and whisper into his ear how sorry she was and explain everything to him. But she didn't. She couldn't. So she'd looked at the ground sadly and tried to get back into the song instead.
She's never felt worse in her life. More than anything, she wishes she could go back in time, stop herself from being so irrational. But she can't. This time, she's created a mess she can't fix.
She shuts her locker and fists the objects in her hand. She bites her lip, hoping the sharp pain will prevent her from weeping like a misunderstood heroine of an epic musical, and walks to the trash can. Her hand is poised above it, all she has to do is open her fingers and that's it. The Finchel mementos will fall and fall until they're nothing but garbage, and she'll have nothing left. She draws her hand back quickly, clutching the symbols of her love to her heart. There's no way she's throwing this away. There's no way she's giving up.
What she did was downright horrible. She doesn't deserve to have Finn back. But she won't go down without a fight. She needs to tell him exactly why she did what she did. She loves him. She needs him.
…
A/N
Tuesday's episode left me emotionally drained, and instead of singing about things to make myself feel better, I write about them. And this is the result. Things start off angsty, but (of course) end up wildly romantic. I don't think this will be any longer than 3-5 short chapters, but I always drag things out forever so who knows. And the update for Shadows will be arriving in the next couple days!
Oh and this disclaimer applies to this entire fic- I do not own Glee or anything Glee related. Songs are Jeff Buckley's 'Forget Her' and Bon Iver's 'Skinny Love'.