"Jeeves, I'm leaving you in charge of the palace, make sure that Shadowlurker doesn't trap Mr Puggles in the damn oven again," grumbled Lord Zalgo, wishing he didn't have to waste his time with this stupid date.
Jeeves saluted him and smiled. "My Lord, it will be fine. You worry about your date, okay? Shadowlurker said you two are going to be a perfect match."
"And I wish he knew that I don't need a love life! I'm as happy as can be," he sighed. "Do you at least have the Rake on standby if things start to go wrong?"
Jeeves confirmed so and waved a goodbye to his Lord as he left the palace gates.
Zalgo took a deep breath and stepped through a portal into the human realm. When he got his hands on that Shadowlurker, he was going to make him do 200 squats as punishment for wasting his time. He was on his way to date a 'smoking hot Japanese girl'. Zalgo shivered. He needed no one to sit beside his throne- she'd be nagging to him about the size of his spaghetti, then proceed to screw Slenderman and birth 700 children. Zalgo would rather eat from the toilet for the rest of his life than get a wife.
Zalgo stood at the edge of the woods, the restaurant was down the street. Zalgo shifted into his human form and stepped through the doors of the tiny restaurant. In front of him was a waiter who approached him. "Ah, monsieur Baguette?"
"Er no, Lord Zalgo."
"Oui, monsieur Baguette!" The waiter started babbling in French and Zalgo followed him dumbfounded. The waiter gestured for him to sit and said a band called The Baguettes would be playing some heavy metal shortly.
Zalgo faced his date… and his mouth dropped open. No words out of all the realms could describe her. She was beyond his expectations. Zalgo concluded that Shadowlurker must've been smoking giant trees. His date was an abomination to say the least- he had more sex appeal in his toenail.
He sat down and gawked at his date. Her bright pink hair defied gravity and was so long it laid on the floor, her eyes dropped to her cheeks, and her mouth reached up to her nose fixed in a smile. Her triple-T breasts rested on the table as if it was a shelf, and her dress seemed ready to snap. Her cat ears twitched and her bushy tail swung in the air. "Hello, sexy-chan." She sounded like her throat got fucked by 10 dicks.
Zalgo's eye twitched. "Hello, miss."
She giggled and licked her lips. "The shy ones always have the darkest secrets."
The waiter came by and handed them their menus, whipped out a notebook and prepared to take their orders. Zalgo ordered a small salad, his entire appetite vaporised by her features. His date ordered a big juicy cock, and giggled as she realised she was thinking of something else. Zalgo narrowed his eyes.
The waiter nodded and while they waited, he brought over some crackers. She grinned and took some. It wasn't so simple, she slapped her lips together, closing her eyes, she moaned. Zalgo cringed hearing the saliva wash around her mouth and her food. His nails dug into the table. That wet noise sounded like someone gardening.
She finally swallowed after a century. She sighed as her oversized eyes gazed at him, "Does that make you feel… tingly?"
"You're making my spine tingle, I know that for sure."
The band began playing. The guitar screeched and shattered someone's eardrums, the drummer replaced his sticks with baguettes and started banging everything, the lead singer screamed into the microphone chanting baguette like he was possessed. He stuck his tongue out and started shaking his head like he was being electrocuted. Lights flashed and flew across the room, switching from one bright vibrant colour to another. A patron started having a seizure and people clapped for him getting really into it and enjoying himself.
Zalgo gripped his head- what was happening? He felt like he was having phone sex with a toddler talking to this freak, and everyone in this crazy restaurant was obsessed with baguettes. Shadowlurker was going to be in for one hell of a punishment.
His date placed her hand on top of his and stroked it. "Soon my belly will be plump with your seed."
Zalgo ejected from his seat like a rocket. "E-excuse me, but I need to use the restroom." Zalgo sprinted into the men's room and took out his phone, dialling Jeeves.
"Evening, my L-"
"Jeeves! Oh my god, you've got to get me out of here, please send the Rake over here right now, this thing is a complete psycho! Help me!"
"Y-yes, sir! Give Rake five minutes, he's on his way!"
Zalgo thanked him and inhaled a gust of air. He was going to die. He stayed in there for as long as he could, the music pounding through the walls, and every minute taking an hour. He gathered the courage to leave and meet up with the freak. "How about we go outside for some fresh air?"
She grinned and clung onto Zalgo's arm as they left the restaurant. Zalgo's eyes darted around the forest edge looking for Rake.
"Let's go back to my place, cutie." She winked and started gliding along the path. At least she let go of his arm- Zalgo followed as slowly as he could.
Zalgo glanced to the side and saw him. The biggest grin grew on Zalgo's face. "Over here, Rake! Kill her! Defend your creator!"
The Rake snarled and leaped from the forest, breaking into a full sprint towards the freak. Rake lunged at her, his claws aimed at her body and his jaw opening wide. She gasped and turned around at the right time for her breasts to slap Rake in the face and send him flying across the road.
Both Zalgo's and Rake's mouths dropped open. Rake stood up. "My Lord, I'm not one for running away, but I think this is the perfect exception!"
Zalgo agreed and they both sprinted down the street like a pair of runaway brides.
The freak screamed after them. "Be my baby's daddy!"
Zalgo panted like his backside was getting pounded into the sparkly world of homosexuality. He eyed Offender smoking under a streetlight. "Offender, this bitch is all yours!" They zoomed past him. Offender looked at the crazy chick that was chasing them. He gasped.
"No thank you!" He soon joined Zalgo and Rake.
Zalgo whipped out his phone, this had gone too far now. "Jeeves, Shadowlurker, somebody, get the goddamn car- NOW! Get the damn car!" In minutes a portal opened with a car speeding out of it. It skidded to a break and Shadowlurker scrolled down the window with Jeeves coughing into a vomit bag. Zalgo opened the door and yelled for the two Pastas to get in before him. He slammed the door closed and roared at Shadowlurker to floor it. The Pastas could finally relax. Except Rake. He was stuck on Offender's lap since there was no room.
Shadowlurker spoke. "So, uh, I take it the date didn't go too well?"
Zalgo glared at him, and Shadowlurker knew he was about to get punished far worse than cleaning Mr Puggles' diarrhoea accident. Shadowlurker had to singlehandedly fumigate the entire palace for two days.
"In response for hooking me up with a complete psycho, Shadowlurker, you are going to spend the next month cleaning and dusting Offenderman's brothel. You will not complain about it, understand?" asked Zalgo.
Shadowlurker sighed, and said he did.
Offender grinned. "Can I whip and chain him?"
"You may."
Offender cheered as Shadowlurker was forced to stop outside the brothel, he begged for his Lord to reconsider but Zalgo had none of it. He was dragged through the backdoor while screaming for mercy.
Jeeves moved to the driver's seat and began to drive home. Rake kicked his feet up and started to doze off. Zalgo stared out of the window, and made a mental note to order Jeeves to make some tea for him and the Rake when they got home.