Author's Note: (PLEASE READ, IT'S NOT JUST ME RAMBLING THIS TIME I SWEAR. :P)
Soooo this fic requires some explanation.
First off: this was meant to be a side story to "Almost Perfect" that I was posting separately because I wanted to keep Almost Perfect under a T rating and this… definitely would not be appropriate. You can read this if you haven't read Almost Perfect but there are a few things you should probably know if you haven't to make it make more sense. And if you HAVE been reading that story as well, there is a major spoiler sort of in this one that hasn't come up yet so if that bugs you, read no further. :P
As a summary of what's going on in Almost Perfect, Kamui made his wish and it was for a world in which things were more or less normal. Subaru and Seishirou thus have been living together for years, having met while Subaru was in high school. This particular story takes place when Subaru is still in college and has moved in with Seishirou fairly recently.
Another important note to make is that in Almost Perfect, when he makes his wish, as far as the readers know so far, only Kamui, Subaru, and Kakyou remember what happened in the previous life they were all living. But Subaru wakes up with his memories when he is about 23, like he was in X, meaning that here he doesn't remember yet. What the readers of Almost Perfect don't know yet is that Seishirou has remembered all along what happened, he just hasn't told Subaru that.
Also in the story there is a scene where Seishirou comes home from work and Subaru is wearing his shirt. It's implied at the end of the scene that the shirt is a signal that Subaru wants to be on top that night and that this is a rare occurrence for the both of them. This story was originally written to be an explanation for how that code came about. So yeah, I think that's all you need to know for this to make sense now. :P
I also briefly reference another story of mine, "Brain Freeze" in here for those of you who read that one. :P
Oh yes, and as a final note, "La Petite Mort" is a euphemism for orgasm however it comes from French and literally means "the little death".
Anyway, shutting up now and letting you get to the story. ^_^ Enjoy!
.
.
As if the grueling, hours long exam had not been enough, Subaru discovered much to his dismay that the sky had decided to empty its contents on the city that afternoon. He considered finding a cheap umbrella but quickly dismissed the idea as pointless. The wind whipped at his jacket as if determined to rip it away so as to drench him more. With a resigned sigh, he turned up his collar slightly, trying to shrink back beneath the material as much as he could, and set out.
By the time he reached the apartment he had completely given up hope and let the rain snake its way down the back of his shirt, soaking into every centimeter of fabric, exposed or not. It had somehow even found its way into his supposedly waterproof boots, he noticed with a squelch as he climbed upstairs, hoping no one slipped on the tidal wave he felt was trailing behind him.
It was cold in the apartment and, overcome with a case of shivers, he slipped into the bathroom and did his best to separate dripping fabric from fabric as well as from skin, with some difficulty, frowning slightly at the scratch of clinging soaked denim against his legs. He thought about taking a long shower but a lifetime of hearing about conservation and water shortages refused to let him stand under the spray for very long.
It was not until he stepped back out of the shower that he remembered that he had not yet done laundry, having been preoccupied with the test over the past several days. He groaned to himself and wondered if he had any clean shirts. A vaguely irritated rummage through the dresser quickly affirmed that he did not. He sighed and leaned his forehead against the wooden drawers for a moment, silently berating himself for not keeping up with something so simple as laundry.
At last he stepped back and the closet door caught his eye. He wondered momentarily if he had actually put anything of his in there and half-heartedly wandered over to the door, fairly certain he had never even looked in the closet before.
Somehow it seemed like the number of crisp white button-down shirts arranged neatly in a row should have surprised him but some part of him had more or less expected to find just that. Seishirou had very simple and predictable tastes when it came to clothing. Subaru started to close the door again but paused, unconsciously letting a small smile tug at the corners of his lips.
He reached out, letting his fingertips brush the cuff of one shirt sleeve, and enjoying the way the slight disturbance of the cloth stirred the lingering scent of smoke and cherry blossoms as though rousing it from a slumber. Without really thinking, Subaru found himself pulling one shirt carefully off of a hanger and running the fabric through his fingers. He held it up to his cheek with an unreserved smile now. It lacked the warmth of another body behind it but he appreciated the scent all the same.
An idea struck him that he nearly dismissed immediately. Some more sneaky part of him he had not known existed until this moment had other plans though. He glanced at the clock to remind himself that it would be hours before Seishirou got home.
The shirt was far too broad in the shoulders and too long in the sleeves and torso and Subaru found he rather liked it. Obviously he had known Seishirou was larger than himself, after all he had seen the man naked enough times (and at that thought he still blushed even though it had been over a year since the first time that had happened). It was interesting though to see the difference from this perspective. He suddenly had the odd sensation of being under someone else's skin and quickly busied himself with laundry before he had to consider the implications of that feeling.
The clothes finally in the wash, he stretched out on the couch with the novel he had fallen behind in reading for world literature. Before he had gotten more than a few pages in however, the book slipped from his hands, pages ruffling beneath slack fingertips as it softly dropped to the floor, mimicking the drop of Subaru's head to the pillow and the apartment was left with only the pattering rain of the ongoing storm and the gentle whir of the washer.
.
.
Seishirou was rather amused when he got home to find the young man fast asleep on the couch in a shirt he recognized immediately. He knelt beside the couch, originally just intending to pick up the book and place it on the coffee table before its pages were too badly bent. After doing so though, he was distracted by the smallest of sighs and a soft rustle as Subaru shifted ever so slightly in his sleep.
With a reverence he held for few, he traced his fingertips over Subaru's cheek, marveling at how it didn't wake him. Then again, Seishirou knew that Subaru deprived himself of rest so much that when he did sleep it was deeply. Something in the young man recognized the touch though and it drew an unconscious smile. Seishirou felt his own lips respond in kind and leaned down to press a kiss to his forehead, meaning to stand back up and let him sleep after that.
He found himself once again distracted by the curve of shoulder his hand had slid naturally down to. He was intrigued by how different the fabric felt from this side of the shirt, identical to the ones he wore nearly every day. His hand wandered almost of its own accord down Subaru's arm, fingers dipping and rising to trace the wrinkles in the material. It was stiffer and thicker than the kind of things Subaru normally wore and it was odd having his attention redirected at the shape and position of his arm rather than on the soft skin that usually captivated him. Between the exploration of the material and of the man beneath it, Seishirou couldn't decide if he were becoming more aware of Subaru or of himself.
Finally his fingers reached the end of the shirt sleeve and slid over smooth familiar skin, remembering scars that had never been there in this life. He slipped his hand under Subaru's lifting it just a few inches to kiss the back. How he missed that mark, something to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Subaru was his. A shirt was really no substitute. He pulled away for a second then brought the hand to his lips again, lightly tracing an inverted pentagram with the tip of his tongue.
.
.
All Subaru was aware of at first as the scent of cherry blossoms. Then a feather-light brush against his cheek stirred his reverie. He opened his eyes to see nothing but darkness outside of the little lit bit of ground beneath him and sakura tree above him. The strange sensation of realizing that he was not awake settled over him
"Good morning sleepyhead."
Subaru shifted to discover that he was lying with his head in Seishirou's lap. "Is it morning?" He yawned and pulled himself upright.
"Mmhm."
"Not here it isn't." Subaru commented, staring at the darkness surrounding them. It was funny how much bolder he was willing to be in dreams. In real life he never would have contradicted Seishirou like that. Seishirou didn't seem offended though, he merely laughed and Subaru wondered if that was how he would really react.
Oh he probably wouldn't take it personally, he's a kind person. Part of his subconscious chirped naively.
No he isn't. Another part whispered.
Subaru shuddered.
"Are you cold, Subaru-kun?" Seishirou asked, cutting the inner dialogue short.
Subaru shook his head even as Seishirou wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him closer. He laid a hand on Seishirou's shoulder, staring at the scars on the back.
Wait, scars? I don't have any scars on the back of my hands… He thought in sudden confusion.
Then all the memories of the previous life he had been trying to forget came crashing down on him.
He clutched at Seishirou's shoulder, afraid to let go, as though letting go of his shoulder right now would mean losing him again.
"Subaru-kun?" The look in Seishirou's eyes was full of concern that looked too genuine to be sincere.
No, not eyes. Eye.
Subaru slid his hand up to Seishirou's cheek.
"On your body, someone other than himself had made a mark. Sakurazukamori's wish is to erase that mark."
Seishirou smiled and closed his eyes, letting Subaru run his thumb lightly over the vacant one.
You always wanted me to belong only to you.
Subaru leaned forward and pressed his lips to Seishirou's.
What if I want you to belong to me?
Seishirou chuckled against his mouth as though he had heard the thought and Subaru pulled back, confused.
"What makes you think I don't?"
Seishirou lifted Subaru's hand to brush his lips against the scars on the back.
Subaru felt the slight tingle of a promise on his skin and leaned forward to kiss Seishirou again, more insistently this time, pulling his hand away to wrap his arms around the other man, pressing him back against the sakura tree.
.
.
Seishirou was a little surprised when Subaru's eyes fluttered halfway open at the kiss on the back of his hand. A pair of sleepy emerald eyes studied him for a moment and Seishirou was caught even more off guard when the younger man suddenly sat up and leaned forward and kissed him fiercely, pulling a hand up off of the couch to press Seishirou's shoulders back against the coffee table. Seishirou was confused for a moment then laughed to himself, realizing that Subaru must still be dreaming. He yielded to the kiss, and wrapped his arms around Subaru, curious to see how far this would go if he let it.
The moment was somewhat ruined though when the coffee table gave way behind him and slipped backward, leaving Seishirou to fall flat on his back and Subaru to come tumbling off of the couch on top of him.
Subaru suddenly gave a jerk and his eyes flew completely open. He stared at Seishirou in confusion for a moment, trying to process the situation, no doubt still halfway lost in a dream, before he realized he had fallen asleep and was still wearing the shirt. He sat up quickly, stammering an apology and an explanation, something about rain and laundry and closets until Seishirou silenced him with a kiss, leaning up to press him against the edge of the couch.
"The shirt's fine." He murmured against Subaru's lips. "It's these that need to go." He slid his hands down his sides and up under the edge of the shirt to tug lightly at the waistband of his boxers even as he pressed his tongue to Subaru's lips. The younger man opened readily to him, having long ago given in to the automatic responses his body demanded when it came to Seishirou.
.
.
Subaru's hands had been clenched in his lap at first but as the kiss slid into more dizzying depths, they began to wander up Seishirou's chest, seeking something to cling to. He found the back of Seishirou's neck and wrapped one hand around it, sliding the other up to entangle in soft black hair. He had closed his eyes automatically at the kiss and for a moment he wondered why. For just a second, the loss of sight suddenly struck him as something significant but the vague whispers at the edge of his memory dissipated as he lost himself in the sensations. Nerve endings did their best to follow the dance of tongues and of Seishirou's fingertips as they glided over his stomach and hips, lingering only long enough to awaken some new patch of skin, but as blood packed its bags and headed south to warmer climates he found it harder and harder to process in any rational sort of way what was going on.
"So what were you dreaming about?" Seishirou chuckled. "Seemed like something rather nice."
Subaru blushed, causing Seishirou to laugh more as the moment dissolved back into reality.
"One of those dreams, huh?"
"'Those dreams'?" Subaru blinked.
"Mmhm. A sex dream."
Subaru's eyes widened. "What? No!"
"Pity."
"Huh?" Subaru was distracted by the way Seishirou's lips had moved away from his and were trailing down his cheek to the spot just below his ear.
"Seemed interesting, you playing the little seme and all." Seishirou laughed briefly before nibbling the bottom of his ear, leaving Subaru's head spinning once again. "I wanted to know how that played out."
Subaru glanced at him in a daze. "You… what?'
He grinned up at Subaru. "I wanted to know how it played out. What you being on top was like exactly."
He waited for Subaru to blush and withdraw, telling him to stop joking around.
.
.
Subaru was confused. Seishirou wanted him on top?
What if I want you to belong to me?
The thought from the dream echoed at the back of his mind. Maybe it was the dream, or maybe it was the invitation. Or maybe it was the shirt. Wearing Seishirou's shirt was having a strange effect on Subaru; he felt somehow more… crisp, greedier, more insistent, than usual. That combined with Seishirou's comment about wanting to know had the wheels turning in Subaru's head and a sense of control suddenly took hold of him like a vice.
"I want you to want something for yourself." Hokuto had told him once.
Subaru experimentally leaned away from the couch.
I know what I want…
And began undoing Seishirou's tie as the older man watched with a raised eyebrow.
I want you.
He pulled the tie away with the soft hiss of thin fabric sliding against fabric and discarded it carelessly.
I want to be whatever you want from me.
Seishirou tilted his head slightly but did not say a word as Subaru's hands returned to work on the buttons of his shirt.
.
.
Seishirou was surprised that rather than shying away from the comment made in jest, sweet little Subaru's eyes had suddenly sharpened and here now he was in the process of disrobing him in an achingly slow fashion, pausing to toy with each and every little button while he brushed his lips lightly over the newly exposed slash of skin. He even pushed Seishirou back slightly so that, tugging the ends of his shirt out of his waistband, he could press a kiss to his navel as he did the last button.
He wondered if this was actually going where he thought it was as Subaru made his way back up his chest, spending more time licking and kissing at random, his fingertips trailing over the patches his mouth hadn't. He expected Subaru to come up for another kiss but instead the younger man stopped at his throat, sucking lightly on the point where his pulse would be as his hands slid over his shoulders, yanking the shirt down his arms. Seishirou compliantly shrugged out of it. It was getting too warm in here for that anyway.
He debated pulling his shirt off of Subaru as well, just to have the pleasure of bare skin against skin. Yet there was something strangely enticing about watching Subaru take up dominance in his clothes. Seishirou briefly wondered if this was an odd form of self-voyeurism but decided either way he wasn't removing it. Those boxers though…
.
.
Subaru's mind was growing hazier and sharper at the same time in a way he knew he would not have been able to put into words. It was like the dream. He could see everything beneath the sakura perfectly, but everything beyond that had dissolved into a vague nonexistence as far as he was concerned.
For a brief moment, when he pulled off Seishirou's shirt, the other man's hands had wandered to Subaru's shoulders and his heart skipped in fear for a split second, worrying that he would take his shirt off of Subaru as well. Subaru wasn't sure he could really keep this up without it; he had the bizarre feeling that it was the shirt itself allowing him to continue. Maybe it was turning him into its usual wearer. Subaru didn't really know what to think of that so he decided not to. He was just grateful when Seishirou's hands slid behind him, to run over his back.
.
.
"Subaru-kun." Seishirou purred into his ear. "I believe I already told you those boxers needed to go didn't I?"
Subaru gave him an intense look that Seishirou found he could not quite read. He could have sworn it was almost a silent reprimand, for telling him what to do, but that seemed so out of character that Seishirou could not bring himself to believe that was what the look meant.
"Yours first."
Seishirou raised an eyebrow. Maybe Subaru-kun was bolder than he gave him credit for. He chuckled and reached for his belt but Subaru stopped him, pushing his hands away to undo it himself. He leaned back on his hands, watching Subaru play with the buckle for a moment before moving onto the button and zipper. It would be nice to get out of these actually, the fabric was really beginning to strain…
He raised himself up slightly on his hands to let Subaru pull them away, amused that he tugged down both pants and boxers at once, apparently in no mood to wait anymore.
"Now yours?" He asked, teasingly running his hands over the front, feeling a stir beneath the thin material in response.
"In a moment."
.
.
Subaru tugged Seishirou up onto the couch and settled on the floor between his knees, remembering a day a few weeks ago when Seishirou had handed him an ice cream cone, telling him to "do as he did" before performing mind-blowing oral sex on him. Subaru still remembered exactly what he had done to the ice cream and had every intention of repeating the little exercise.
Except for the end that was.
.
.
Seishirou leaned back with a groan as Subaru deep-throated him, running the tip of his tongue languidly along as much of the base of his penis as far as he could reach within the confines of his mouth. He reached down to toy with Subaru's hair, distantly enjoying the soft black strands running between his fingers as the young man continued to play and tease between his legs.
He remembered fantasizing about this years ago when Subaru was still a high school student and definitely not legal. Something about the way that high school uniform had looked on him was just too adorable. Maybe it was the reminder that he was supposedly off-limits. It was like a challenge. Seishirou always had liked challenges; they broke the monotony that was the rest of life to him. As for the risks involved, well they only made it more interesting didn't they?
He knew he was wagering with his life when he made that bet.
Seishirou frowned at the ceiling even as Subaru's hands reached up to join his mouth.
He had lost.
He wasn't sure what to think of that. He wasn't even sure if he could say it had really happened. If a wish changed reality, but the memories of events that had been erased remained, could one really say it had never occurred?
Subaru moaned softly and Seishirou closed his eyes, momentarily enjoying the vibration added to rich mixture of sensations already working away at his senses.
Of course sight was one of them too, and one to not be discounted, as he had learned all too well once. He opened his eyes to watch and again was struck by the white folds of his own shirt as they gathered and shifted in different little patterns over Subaru's arms and shoulders.
He had never thought he would be one for costumes or role-playing in bed, feeling like there was a kind of deceptiveness to it, like one was lying about who they were during what was supposedly an intimate act. He had never realized what humor there was in that of all things, he had considered deceptiveness a turn-off. When had he ever not deceived Subaru? Maybe it was more that he did not like the idea of Subaru deceiving him. It was a double standard, he was well-aware of that, but he could only greet that realization with unmitigated apathy. Besides, no matter what he had expected to think of it, he was rather enjoying the obscurity in Subaru's own identity as he took on more of a role Seishirou had always typically played. He wasn't sure if this was merely a side of Subaru he had never seen before or if Seishirou himself had merely seeped that deeply into Subaru's very being. Neither possibility seemed to lessen the eroticism behind it.
.
.
Subaru could tell Seishirou was near climax. Not because he made any conscious signs; Seishirou certainly wasn't one for suddenly writhing in pleasure. No, it had taken months of practice for him to figure out that Seishirou's muscles tensed up when he was close to orgasm. Not that it would have mattered back when he first started doing this. Somehow how it had never occurred to him to do anything but swallow and Seishirou had never said a word about any alternative, leaving an unspoken and unacknowledged agreement on both ends regarding the extent of Subaru's passivity.
Not tonight though.
Subaru pulled back, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand.
Faint scars marked him as someone else's property.
He felt only the slightest twinge of guilt at denying Seishirou orgasm but did not allow the feeling to linger long as he pulled him to his feet, leading him silently into the bedroom and closing the door behind them.
.
.
Seishirou was intrigued.
Subaru had never stopped in the middle of oral, even when he was younger and had never done it before, tiring quickly from lack of experience. He had always pushed himself to make sure that Seishirou finished, as though the act were not worth it if he didn't and Seishirou certainly was not one to raise objections.
As if that alone had not been enough of a surprise, Subaru had pulled him into the bedroom and now was tugging at him to sit on the edge of the bed. Seishirou raised an eyebrow as Subaru did not join him, but rather stood between his legs for a moment, with his hands on his shoulders, before kissing him and pushing back, murmuring for Seishirou to lie back as he slipped out of his boxers at last.
Seishirou knew this position well, having always liked it because it was one of the few in which he could watch Subaru's face run the gambit of emotions and reactions as he was fucking him. It was fascinating how unreserved the usually shy, withdrawn boy could be coaxed into being in a moment of passion. Seishirou knew his own facial expressions did not change much. Rather in the way that Subaru's weren't now even as he pulled a tube of lubricant out of the nightstand drawer. He chuckled inwardly at the stoic expression, remembering the way Subaru's face had turned cherry red the first time Seishirou had ever reached into that drawer for the same thing.
He folded his arms behind his head, and pulled one leg up onto the bed, casually waiting as Subaru flipped the cap open.
.
.
Subaru hesitated, biting his lip momentarily, as if in a kind of self-punishment before pressing one finger in slowly. He had never been on this end of the equation but he remembered very well what it was like to be on the other and he would have been lying if he had said he did not remember how painful the first few times had been at first, no matter how pleasurable they had wound up. So he moved slowly, taking time to work in as much lubricant as he could and watching Seishirou's face for the tiniest sign of pain or discomfort.
That was the strangest part of all though. Seishirou's facial expression did not change a bit, even when he cautiously introduced a second finger. Seishirou's eyes remained as objective and dispassionate as if he were nonchalantly watching from the other side of the room, waiting to see what happened next.
He nearly froze, wondering if he had been wrong. Was this not what Seishirou had wanted? Was he completely wrong about this all along?
"Your wish is to kill me, is it not?"
"No."
Subaru closed his eyes and removed his fingers.
.
.
It was interesting watching Subaru touch himself, even if it was brief and for more practical reasons than self-pleasure.
He had before of course, although Subaru hadn't known it. Not intentionally, but all the same, Seishirou had been following the boy ever since the day they settled their bet supposedly, making sure he didn't something stupid and get himself killed before Hokuto's spell could be fulfilled.
He hadn't expected to catch him at it and found himself wondering if it was the first time Subaru had ever masturbated, once he thought about it and realized it was really more odd that he hadn't ever seen him do this.
He wondered if Subaru was thinking about him.
Seishirou had never been the bottom. At least not with a man. He had of course been the more submissive partner with his mother but even that was only when he was younger as Setsuka had quickly taught him to be more dominant, preferring that her sexual partners do most of the work. Seishirou laughed silently to himself, realizing that it was probably the only way he had been more innocent than Subaru up until now.
And yet those green eyes looking down on him as Subaru carefully positioned himself were still the more innocent ones.
Even when one was hidden behind bandages, leaving just the left eye to give him that hopeful look, begging for an unspoken wish to be granted.
Funny how the word "penetration" was almost exclusively in reference to sex.
He smiled even when Subaru's hand entered his chest.
It hurt.
But not as much as the look on Subaru's face as he clutched at Seishirou's coat.
Or was that making it a little better? There was certainly some pleasure in the anguished look the younger man was giving him. Seeing the evidence of Subaru's emotional turmoil in response to Seishirou's physical pain sent a delighted shiver down his spine and he wondered vaguely whether it counted as sadism or masochism.
Masochism. He answered himself with a bit of surprise. Both terms were physical by nature and therefore would make him a masochist and it surprised him as much as it might anyone who knew him. He wondered then what it was called when one wanted to hurt someone else psychologically. Manipulation did not carry nearly as much weight to it as sadism. Perhaps it was just a different kind of sadism.
Subaru was asking if he was alright.
Seishirou laughed and pulled the younger man's face down to his, responding with a fierce kiss.
Even in the midst of your own pleasure I'll at least penetrate your thoughts.
You're mine Subaru.
He reconsidered the silent declarations and wondered.
Or am I yours?
He had heard someone say once that one's possessions could come to possess them. It had bothered him at the time because it did not make sense. Why would anyone be so captivated by something they owned that it came to own them?
He leaned back and examined the concerned green eyes watching him carefully for signs of unease.
He still didn't know why anyone would be that captivated by a possession. But he knew how as Subaru began slowly to move.
There was a certain kind of pleasure in the pain itself. Perhaps it was because he could prove to himself that he could handle it as well, taking away the morsel of power he had felt Subaru held previously. Or perhaps it was the delight of knowing that Subaru was even capable of inflicting pain. After all, it was no fun sparring with a partner who didn't attack back.
He held no reservations about vocally responding to Subaru's initially hesitant thrusts; in fact he was rather enjoying the way incoherent sounds seemed to act as verbal encouragement to him. It was intriguing to watch Subaru shift from concerned and careful to being drawn into his own pleasure, to watch the younger man's fears fade into a glazed and intent look. Body warmth and friction were building up a nearly intolerable heat.
He was cold, now that all was still for a moment, and even when he moved slightly, to lift his head, he was only growing colder.
He couldn't quite breathe properly…
Subaru was gasping as well, or panting rather and their mouths met again for another breathless and sloppy kiss, as the tension built, both of them feeling the approach of an end everyone wanted to reach but not to pass. He wasn't sure whose hand slipped down between them to grasp him but he moaned against Subaru's mouth at the touch either way.
It was somewhat taboo to tell someone you loved them in bed, but sometimes Seishirou wondered what moment could be more appropriate. Love was like a drug, was it not? Or was it just that the person you loved was the drug and love was a special, euphemistic name for the addiction? In either case, what moment could be more appropriate and more powerful than one in which two people were lost in one another and caught up in an ecstasy that no poet, no author, no musician, no artist had ever been able to completely capture.
"I-"
Subaru gave a strangled cry.
La petite mort.
Maybe no one had completely captured and bottled this blinding sensation just yet but the expression came as close as words ever could.
The world was beginning to melt away; his illusion was dissolving.
Everything was blurred.
He still couldn't breathe.
But it seemed like he didn't need to anymore.
Subaru clutched at him.
Sobbing…
No, panting.
He closed his eyes as Subaru wrapped his arms around him.
And felt darkness settle over him.
.
.
Subaru was almost always the first to fall asleep after their more… amorous activities. He had been embarrassed for a long time about that but there was something so nice about falling asleep in a pair of warm and loving arms. One night when he had tried to stay awake by squirming around a lot, Seishirou had asked him what he was doing.
"I don't want to fall asleep."
"Why?" Seishirou's voice was lined with amusement as Subaru yawned despite himself.
Subaru could feel a blush blossoming on his cheeks and was glad it was too dark to see it although he was sure Seishirou knew somehow or another anyway. He explained himself in embarrassed stammers and felt his face positively burn when Seishirou laughed.
"But how can I watch you sleep if you stay awake?"
"Huh?"
Seishirou kissed his forehead. "That's my favorite part of this you know."
Hokuto had found it creepy when he confided in her later, calling Seishirou "stalker-like" but he had disagreed, naively thinking it was romantic. Now as Seishirou slept soundly beside him, Subaru realized they had both been right. On the one hand, he did feel like a stalker as he watched the man sleep. It was as though he were intruding upon one of the most private of instances, barging in on a moment of silence or disrupting still waters simply by being there. Then again, he felt as though that were all he had done all night, from invading Seishirou's closet, to invading his body and now his sleep. Part of him wanted to nuzzle closer, burying his face deeper in his chest, but he did not want to invade Seishirou's space any more than he already had. So he maintained some distance and watched him sleep, feeling for all the world like he had no right to be there.
On the other hand, the element of romance was not completely erased from the scene. There was something breath-takingly beautiful and poetic about the way strains of moonlight filtered through the blinds on the window to cast shining highlights on Seishirou's hair and skin. Combined with the shadows underlining his nose and lips, the effect was altogether surreal, as though Seishirou were nothing more than an alluring dream. Subaru had heard once that lighting and music were interrelated in cinema and theater and could not reconcile the concept until now. Perhaps it wasn't what was originally meant by the statement but there was something musical in the way the light played across his lover's features.
Without giving the gesture much thought, Subaru reached up and lightly ran his finger tips from Seishirou's temple to chin. He vaguely recalled piano lessons he had taken for years when he was younger and found his fingers seeking the keys against Seishirou's cheek to play Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. He shuddered though as the music had begun quietly whispering its notes in his mind of its own accord, having forgotten what a haunting melody it was.
There was something illuminating though in the memory of the song. It could have been any that played an accompaniment to the moonlight in his mind but this particular song had evoked tears he could not explain the first time he had heard it as a child. His grandmother had explained it away as he was merely a sensitive child but he had later told Hokuto that it made him remember something, he just couldn't quite grasp what, only that the song had sung to him a sense of loss, of the absence of someone loved. He had realized of course later that it was probably his parents, although to this day he did not know what memory had irrevocably linked them with that song.
As a tear slipped down the side of his face to kiss the pillowcase, he realized that however irrational the feeling might be, he was overwhelmed by the sense of absence again, but this time he could say concretely who it was he felt he had lost.