Author's Note:
This story was originally posted 2/2017 and was completely revised 6/2017. Some chapters were merged and scenes were added. If you are a new reader, you're good to go. If you read previously, I recommend you start over because some has changed. I'm unsure what may have happened to reviews when I merged and shifted chapters. Hopefully it didn't mess them up too badly.
This story is heavy. It is not bright and shiny. It will not be bright and shiny for quite some time. As always, I firmly believe Derek & Meredith belong together. I will not give spoilers for this story, except to say that I am not Shonda (crazy) Rhimes, and if you've read previous stories of mine you know I am a romantic at heart. I can't say for sure exactly when this story takes place, but lets say some time after Derek was shot and before the rest of the crazy ever came into play. To enjoy this story, you kind of have to pretend the last half of the Grey's Anatomy years haven't happened. It's almost AU.
For the sake of this story, please allow for creative freedom. Some characters will still be included that are no longer on the show. Some events may not be in order of the show. Some medical facts may not be accurate. I will always do my very best to research, but there may be some inaccuracies as I am not a physician.
This story may change POV at some point. That is yet to be decided. I'm sort of flying by the seat of my pants on this one, which is new for me! As always, if you are interested in seeing something in this story, just let me know via review or PM.
Disclaimer: I own no characters in Grey's Anatomy. The story here is just for fun. The Grey's universe belongs to Shonda Rhimes. Unfortunately.
"Gone"
He was gone. Derek, my everything, was gone. I was broken, shattered in pieces on the floor. Clammy skin screamed at me as my cheek pressed against cold tile, our tile. Trembling fingers reached out, tracing the line in the grout. Derek had chosen this tile. He'd loved it from the moment he first saw it. I'd had my doubts, but he'd insisted. He'd known from the start it would be perfect, just like us. The two of us together were, well, incredible. We were as perfect a match as two people could be, I guess. I was dark and twisty. Derek was not. He was everything that was good in this world. I'd loved that man from the first moment I'd laid eyes on him. As time had gone by, as days had turned to years, my feelings for him had only grown. I didn't think it was possible for someone to love more than I loved that man.
You see, Derek was a chance in a lifetime. He was smart, and kind, and good. He was strong, and giving, and bold. Derek knew how to touch the heart of anyone. Derek knew how to reach those who were unreachable. His compassion knew no limits. Then there was his hair. God, the hair. That was the tipping point. My husband's hair was what made ladies weak in the knees. That hair, and those eyes made you swoon. Really. I'd had my fair share of men. I mean, not since Derek. Before that, though, I'd shared a bed with quite a few. I could and always would confidently say that he was a grand slam world series kind of love. He was the kind of love that took your breath away, over and over again.
And now I was left with nothing. Fingers traced rough gray again. Tears rapidly formed a pool under my eyes. I would never be the same. I would never live again. I didn't know how I was breathing. I didn't want to. I wanted to crawl into darkness and disappear. The sound of broken sobs filled the silence. I stared at the ever so subtle grey that stretched across white ceramic. I wasn't sure I'd ever noticed it before. When feet crossed this room my eyes were on him. I'd never given second thought before to the beauty of the squares beneath me. Somehow I managed to recognize the sobs. The sobs were my own, tearing brokenly from my throat which was already hoarse and painedfrom overuse in my grief.
Owen Hunt had held me back as I'd screamed that morning. He'd wrapped strong and unwelcomed arms around my waist as I'd fought and clawed and wailed. I just wanted to go to him. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair, and with lips brushing against his ear, assure him it would be okay. I'd wanted to cover him. He'd looked so exposed, clothes already cut away so the staff could assess and fight to save him. Electrodes and wires and tubes had already invaded his body, piercing so many places I'd lost count. His eyes were open, staring, still. I'd known then he was gone. In that moment my world had come to a surreal and screeching halt. I had somehow managed to hear, garbled and far away, the voice of the on-call neuro resident say that his pupils were fixed and dilated. A nurse had murmured something about it being too late. I watched as Jackson rubbed a fist over Derek's sternum. I'd screamed again, begging, pleading for a response. Nothing.
They had taken Derek to surgery anyway. They had insisted they should give a craniotomy a shot. They'd insisted he wasn't gone yet. I'd sunk against the floor after Hunt was gone. Sobs wracked my body for so long that I fell asleep there. Several people had tried to move me. Several people had tried to insist I go somewhere else. I was firm and unyielding. Dr. Bailey had pressed Derek's scrub cap into my hands after she woke me. I'd held it as if letting go meant he was dead. Ferry boats. Derek loved ferry boats. Numbly I'd followed her to the surgical waiting room. People were staring. I'd noticed, but then, I didn't. Everything had sort of ceased to exist. I'd needed Derek. I'd wanted Derek. I didn't know how to get through this without...but Derek wasn't there. He wasn't coming. Sobs had returned.
Eventually I'd gone home that night. Alex had insisted I needed rest. I couldn't sleep in the hospital. Some jackass I'd never met from our transplant team had tried to shove consent forms for organ donation into my hands around midnight. I'd snapped. I think the entire floor heard my scream. His clipboard landed against the window with a resounding crack. I'd watched as it fell to the floor, my heart crashing down with it. They'd tried to tell me Derek was gone. They'd tried to tell me his brain was too damaged. They'd given me no hope. I wouldn't talk to anyone, but Alex finally stood in front of me and with unyielding determination had ordered me to get in the car and let him drive me home.
He'd said very little on the drive over. When he walked me to the door I had insisted he not come in. I insisted I was fine. Fingers twisted the scrub cap. Alex had looked at me with the rare compassion he saved for those he truly cared about. He'd firmly insisted miracles could happen and that Derek might recover. Inside I broke again. My trembling hand closed the door without response.
I'd wanted to believe him. I'd wanted to believe that the man I loved would somehow open his eyes again. I wanted to believe that he would come back to me. I wanted to believe that a single vehicle accident, still unexplained, wouldn't be the reason I lost him. I wanted to believe that we would still build a life together. I wanted to believe so many things that now seemed an impossibility.
I, Meredith Grey Shepherd, wanted to believe that it wasn't true. I wanted to believe that Derek Shepherd wasn't really gone.
Thank you to all who are here. Let me know what you think, and please keep reading!