Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
There once
was a boy named Potter
Cold and
wet like a Eurasian otter
Till his
door did burst down
And the
giant did frown
"You're
a wizard, I thought you'd be hotter."
So they
went off to Diagon alley
No time to
dilly or dalley
Had to get
tools
To go off
to school
In some
bloody cold Scottish valley
Once he
sat down on the train
Harry was
lonely again
He made a
new friend
Who'd be
there til the end
Ron, with
red on his brain.
The school
was big and called Hogwarts
With
houses and hats to suit all sorts
'Gryffindor!'
yelled the hat
And that
was that
Harry's
joined the house of good sports
The school
was run by Dumbledore
Crazy
bastard whom we all adore
Then there
was Snape
Accused
once of rape
But we all
know Lucius wanted more
Essential
to note one called Wood
He really
did all that he could
To see
Harry there
In pink
underwear
It didn't
happen? Oh, well, it should!
Harry
joined Wood's quidditch team
This made
all the Gryffindor's beam
And beat
Draco's arse
Right into
the grass
Smarmy git
sure did learn how to scream
Then the
crazy Professor Quirrel
Ran up the
Great Hall like a squirrel
Said there
was a troll
Clogging
up the plug-hole
And
fainted, like he'd had an epidural
Harry and
Ron went downstairs
To save
future good friend of theirs
Oops,
forgot to mention
Now give
your attention
Hermione,
the biggest of squares
The troll
was big, ugly and mean
A hideous
shade of green
But they
made short work
Of that
ugly jerk
He went
down like a submarine.
Jumping
forward to the mirror of Erised
Where
Harry saw his parents, who are dead
It's
kinda psychotic
And would
be erotic
If it had
been Sirius instead.
But
Dumbledore said 'Oh, no!
That
mirror will just have to go.
It's
going away
In the
dungeon to lay.
If you
find it again, woe…'
Jump again
into Voldemort's lair
Or at
least, it would be if he had hair
But the
stupid old twit
Had
forgotten that bit
And grew
out of Quirrel's head bare.
Now, we
know we have missed some essentials
Like
questioning Snape's credentials
Harry
thought he was bad
And
probably mad
But Snape
was just being prudential
And also,
there were the tasks
That the
Dream-Team had to get past
Giant game
of chess
Was
probably the best
And the
rest was just a blast
But
Voldemort was truly evil
And used
Harry in his retrieval
Of the
Philosopher's stone
Which
Harry was shown
In the
mirror where he looked like a weevil
When
Quirrel tried to re-take it
We weren't
sure if Harry would make it
He fell to
the floor
And
remembered no more
But the
feeling, he just couldn't shake it
But in the
end all was well
And
Quirrel has gone to hell
They won
the House Cup
And then
school split up
And Harry
went back home to dwell
Hope you enjoyed this re-telling of the entire book in eighteen simple limericks. And for those of you who were angry at the use of Eurasian otter, prudential and weevil, we'd just like to remind you of the minimal number of words that rhyme with Potter, credential and evil. And for anyone about to question our use of epidural, please give us five words that rhyme with Quirrel (squirrel not included!) and we'll give you your money back (hehe, foolproof plan!)