I'm gone with the Wind
"Reason, what does serve me your aid?
You order me not to love , I burn, I love;
You tell me to calm down, I suffer, I die."
(Bocage)
Willow was standing close to the window of her room, her gaze fixed on the things that was happing outside the house, but she was not really seeing them. Her thoughts were distant. Her mind repassed what she would say as soon as her girlfriend arrived home.
They have been together for one year and everything seemed well so far, but Willow didn't have much certainty about it and she couldn't deceiving Kennedy nor deceiving herself anymore. When the brunette came back from patrol she would finish everything. It would be better this way. Then Willow moved away from the window, seated on the bed, her back facing the door and waited.
It was 2h a.m when Kennedy finally arrived after a night hunting vampires with Faith. It wasn't a night with lot of action, only a couple of vampires, so the two brunettes decided to cancel the patrol and go home. On their way, the younger slayer stopped at one of the few flower stores that was still open and bought a bunch of red and white roses for her witch. Faith asked if was a special date or something, but Kennedy denied saying that she just wanted to surprise Willow without being a date to celebrate.
Willow didn't heard the two slayers arrinving and just noticed Kennedy's presence when she called her name.
"Will..."
The redhead turned and saw her soon to be ex-girlfriend smiling at her carrying the huge bunch. She smiled, but soon it faded. She couldn't have seconds thoughts, even if her heart broke to see the brunette so willing to please her. She couldn't love Kennedy.
The vampire slayer noticing the change on her girlfriend, became worried and let the gift on the bed, kneeling in front of Willow and held her hands.
"Will... what's wrong?"
The witch keeped quiet and looked to the side, avoiding the sight of her hands interlocked with the brunette's.
- Red, talk to me...Did I do something wrong? – Kennedy put her hand on the wicca's chin and turned her face, so she could look into her eyes.
Willow stood up, pulling away from Kennedy. She walked to the window, her back facing her girlfriend.
"Kennedy ..." her voice was weak and she fighted to keep her tears from falling.
"Willow, you're scaring me. What's the matter?"
"We should break up" she said, almost whispering.
"What?" the slayer didn't get it at first, but seconds later everything became clearly. Willow was breaking up with her.
"But Willow, I thought we were good. That you liked to stay with me."
"I like, I don't regret anything."
"Then why? I love you."
"But I can't love you, you're not ..."
"Tara. I'm not her, isn't it?" Kennedy whispered, feeling the tears in her eyes.
Willow looked down and didn't answer, it was obvious the guilt on her face. And it was the only answer Kennedy needed to feel like someone had pulled her heart off her chest.
"You can't love me because I'm not Tara?" she said in a low voice, but angrily "Answer me Willow!"
"Kennedy, please understand..." Willow begged.
"I perfectly understand! You just used me, all the time we were together, she was the one you thought about. And I'm so stupid to think that one day you could love me! her voice was louder at each word, but wasn't shouting.
"Kenn ... you both are so different and..."
"Don't Willow, just don't... don't try to explain. You already broke my heart, don't hurt it more" then Kennedy took the flowers and said saddly "This is for you..."and started to get out of the bedroom.
"Where are you going?"
"Where I'm appreciated" and then the brunette ran downstair, almost pulling the front door off the hinges and slamed it very loudly.
Willow watched her ex got out of the room and when she heard her left the house angrily, the redhead looked to the roses and fell on the bed crying.
Kennedy was outside the house, her tears started to fall and she tried to clean them, but she wasn't succeding. The more she wiped, more tears would fall. The brunette was feeling frustraded, betrayed, rejected. The only time she loved, it wasn't mutual. What was the meaning of love, she thought. If it's not mutual, then the love you felt isn't real. But Kennedy felt that her true love, her soul mate was Willow. Screaming angrily, the slayer turned her body and punched the wall, her fist leaving a hole on it.
At this moment, tthe front door opened and for a few seconds Kennedy hoped that Willow wanted to make up, but to her disappointment, instead of a redhead it was a brunette, Faith.
"Oh, it's you..."
"Hey, Junior! Why all this energy? I bet that Red can fix it gladly" Faith smirked.
"It seems she don't wanna fix anything anymore" – Kennedy pushed her hand from the hole.
The older slayer looked confused.
"She broke up with me" she answered bitterly.
"Shit, Junior!. I thought that everything was ok between you two"
"So do I, but Willow thinks differently".
Faith looked worried about her friend. She wasn't so friendly with others people, but it was different with Kennedy. As soon as they defeated the First, their friendship became strong. Maybe because both were alike, never letting others step on them, they were flirty and tough, not showing their feeling so often and both loved being a slayer. One understood the otther and also Kennedy helped her clean her criminal archive, money could do wonders. She owned Kennedy her freedom.
Faith knew that if her friend didn't stop think about what happened, she would do something she could regret.
"Come on, Kenn. Let's get out of here.
Kennedy hesitated for a moment, she knew where they were going and even loving clubs and bars, she wasn't in the mood. But after seconds she made up her mind, she had to get Willow from her mind, even for a couple of hours.
Inside the house, the sound of the door plus Kennedy's scream were enough to woke up Buffy. She got up worried and the first thing that came in her mind was Willow. Buffy left her room and walked through the corridor of the second floor till her friend's bedroom. When she was close to the stairs, she heard voices outside the house. Looked like Faith and Kennedy talking, but couldn't understand much, just that Kennedy seemed hurt. Now Buffy was sure that the brunette and Willow had a fight.
Arriving the room that the redhead shared with her girlfriend, the original slayer heard someone crying and her heart ached. If Kennedy hurt her best friend, she would pay for that.
The blonde knocked softly on the door, but when no one answered it, she opened it and saw Willow laying on the bed, her face marked by the tears that was still falling and beside her a beatifull bunch of roses.
"Willow..." Buffy sat beside her friend and stroked her hair "What did Kennedy do? I swear I kill her if she hurt you."
"She didn't do anything" Willow got up and sat in front of the blonde "I broke up with her..."
"Why? I thought you guys were ok..."
"I couldn't keep the relationship... how can I love her if she isn't Tara. Tara was the only person I truly loved..."
"Will, are you sure?" Buffy asked worried.
"Yes, it wouldn't be fair with her nor with me" she said still crying.
The blonde hugged her friend and then wiped her tears, speaking carefully.
"Will, you deserve to be happy and I think you can be even if the person it's not Tara. I know that me and Kennedy never got along very well, but she's a good girl, likes you and would make you happy, if she doesn't make already. Think about it Will, to not regret and get hurt in the future. Because when you realize what you feel, it can be too late" Buffy said like she knew the situation pretty well.
"It's something I have to do..." then she hugged her friend and both stayed like that till they fell asleep.
Kennedy and Faith were at the club for an hour and half, but Faith's plan to make her friend forget Willow didn't work, because the only thing Kennedy talked about was her former girlfriend while she drank her third beer.
"She can't love me because of Tara. Fuck, she's dead! How can Willow be attached to somebody that won't come back anymore. She can't love me...I think I'm not mature enough, witch enough, sweet enough, blonde enough... I should dye my hair blonde. That's it, I'll change, I'll become blonde!" she got up from de stool, but soon sat back again and put her head on her hands, breathing deeply "But I can't change, I'm this way and Willow should love me for who I am. And the worst of it is that I wanna be mad with Willow but I can't. I love her so much" her eyes filled up with tears.
"Kenn..." Faith put her hands on the brunette's shoulder "If I can help..."
Kennedy lifted her head with a resolve face "And you can...I need you to take me to the bus station".
"What?"
"I can't stay here anymore, living at the same house, knowing she doesn't love me, that I can't touch her. If I leave it will be better for me and for her".
"You think that running way will solve everything?" the rogue slayer stared angrily at Kennedy, it wasn't just Willow she was going to leave behind, but also her friends.
"Maybe if I stay far way this won't hurt so much..." the younger slayer murmured.
The former rogue slayer looked sad at her friend when she heard her words. She knew how much she loved Willow and how much she was suffering. That's why she didn't get a relationship, to not get hurt, Faith thought.
"Ok... I'll take you".
"Thanks"
They arrived home a little after 4h a.m and Faith went to the living room to wait while Kennedy took her things. The younger brunnette went upstairs and opened slowly the door of her room. Now it would be just Willow's room. She entered and saw her true love sleeping with Buffy and one more time her heart shattered in millions pieces. She wished she was the one holding the redhead.
The slayer moved in silence trought the room, taking her clothes and a picture of Willow and herself smiling, putting them on a suitcase. She was almost finishing when she knocked her arm on the closet and woke up Buffy who looked around the room and saw her "sister" slayer.
"Kennedy... what are you doing?" she whispered making sure she didn't wake the witch.
"I'm leaving..."
"But..."
"Look, before you start to talk I've already made up my mind and nothing will convice me otherwise. It's the only way that maybe I can forget Willow, if I stay I'll end doing something stupid.
"And are you going to leave without saying goodbye to anyone? Even Willow?"
"I'm just one of thousand slayers, no one will miss me. And about Willow, I can't, if I look at her I'll cry, and I don't wanna her to see me like that."
"Are you sure" Buffy got worried, she knew that Willow wouldn't take the news about Kennedy's departure very well and she was sad too, even if they didn't get along so well like Kennedy got with Faith, Buffy liked the girl and she was a good slayer.
"I'm not going to change my mind..."
"We're going to miss you" Buffy hugged her, surprising the brunette.
"Tell everybody I said goodbye."
The blonde smiled a little and left the room, knowing that it was the last time she would see Kennedy in many years.
Then the brunette looked at Willow sleeping and holding her pillow like it was a person "Probably Tara" she murmured and sat on the armchair in front of the bed. She took a paper and a pen to write a letter. As soon as she finished, she folded it, writing Willow's name on the top and put it beside the redhead, with a red rose across the letter. Kennedy looked one more time at her former lover and a tear fell from her eye.
"Goodbye Willow" she kissed softly Willow's lips and then closed for the last time the door of a room that one day was hers too.
Kennedy went downstairs and Faith got up.
"Are we going now?"
"Yes, let's get ou of here. I don't wanna exlpain to anyone."
At the bus station, Faith and Kennedy was saying their goodbyes.
"Do you know where you're heading?"
"Actually no. I think I'll take a bus till Boston and from there I see what I'm gonna do. My family live there not that we're close, but I got friends there too. I better go... bye..." the girls hugged each other.
"Keep in touch"
"Who knows... and Faith? Take care of her for me, ok?"
"I will, don't worry."
Faith entered the car and started it, leaving her friend behind. Kennedy watched the rogue slayer losing in the dark and then turned, walking to the ticket office. She bought her ticket to Boston and sat on a bench, waiting the bus that would take her to her new life, her new destiny.
Willow woke up with the sun bathing her face. Reluctant she opened her eyes and saw that the clock marked 9h30 a.m, but didn't care, it was Saturday and she wouldn't work. She tried to sleep again, but couldn't. All her body ached and she felt like something was missing. She rolled her body and when she saw that the bunch of rose was still laying on the bed, she remembered everything that happened the night before, tears filled up her eyes. But there wasn't a reason for her to feel this way, she did what was better and she knew it.
With a shaking hands Willow stroked softly the petals of the flowers like she was afraid that they would melt in her touch. Then she saw a single rose on the pillow that used to be Kennedy's and under the flower was a letter with her name on top. Immediately she recognized the handwriting, it was her ex-girlfriend's.
The redhead opened the letter carefully and a sad expression took place on her face as each word she read.
"My Goddess,
When you read this letter I won't be here anymore. But I don't wanna you to think that I left being mad with you and without saying goodbye, but looking at you sleeping, I realize couldn't say goodbye without letting the tears fall over my face. And I know this would hurt you, 'cause you're a wonderful person who don't wanna see anyone suffer. That's why I decided to write this letter.
I'm sorry for being mad at you and hurt you, but I was out of line. You've hurt me so bad and my only thought was that I wanted you to feel the same. But I realized I was being stupid, like always.
I don't hate you, I understand that you still love Tara and I'm not her. I wish I could change and become like her, the woman you desire, the woman you love. But I can't, I am who I am. I hope someday meet you again and maybe what I am, how I am and who I am be the woman you desire so much.
Until this day, I can't stay here. I couldn't live near you and not being able to touch you, kiss you and the worst, not being able to say how much I love you and how much I wanna make you happy.
I don't know where I'm going, which way to follow. I'm gone with the wind and wait to see where it'll take me. Maybe far away, maybe near, but I will always take you with me, even if it's just in a memory.
Willow, I hope you find happiness. After all you went through, you deserve it more than anyone. And never forget, I'll love you forever and ever.
Love,
Kennedy."
When she read the last Word, Willow fell on her knees, letting the letter fell from her hands on the floor. You could see stains of dry tears mixing with tears still wet on it. The only sound you heard was strong sobs from a desperate cry.