Severus knew what he was; a pawn on a terrible and dangerous chessboard, wearing so many layers of black and white that it was impossible to tell which side he was fighting for. Sometimes, he wondered what he could have been; a satisfied man doing what he loved and learning what he had dreamed of as a child. Just away from it all. Then he would laugh bitterly at his folly. He knew he would never have the freedom for such a life. Perhaps he wouldn't have enjoyed it, if he had, either. Not that he enjoyed the life he had, in any case. At times, it was difficult for even him to pick the kinder of two masters, the lesser of two evils.
Not many who fought for the Light would have considered Dumbledore to be anywhere close to 'evil', but he knew most of them hadn't seen him at his worst, at the moments when he planned ruthlessly and whimsically. At other times, the old wizard simply convinced anyone who would believe him that it was all for the greater good and Severus would question if the Headmaster was any better than Grindelwald.
The images that flashed before his eyes often told him otherwise.
"I'm sorry." Severus was sobbing pitifully at Albus' feet, wondering if anything he did had the power to make his past actions right, considering what he had done.
"Then you know what you must do." The older man's blue eyes had a steel-grey edge to them, like that of a knife, with the familiar twinkle gone entirely. Severus knew what was expected of him, but he also knew it would not be easy. Nonetheless, he would try. For Lily.
"And the boy?" he asked, his voice soft.
"Young Harry Potter will live with Lily's sister to preserve the blood protection spell."
A long forgotten fear settled into his heart as he heard those words. Petunia Evans did not take kindly to witches and wizards, and Severus suddenly felt protective of the Potter child. No, of Lily's child.
"I could..." he began, but Dumbledore shook his head in a gesture of finality.
"The chosen one must come of age to truly defeat Voldemort forever, and when he does you must make sure he survives it," the older wizard said.
Severus stared quietly and resolutely at the dark rocks under his feet.
"Severus, please."
Two words that cut him deeper than a Sectumsempra ever could, even though they shouldn't have, given that they meant he would be free, partly at least after this, and yet...
He tried to not let it show, as the spell escaped his lips, causing the Headmaster to fall backwards and plummet to the ground. For a few moments, time stood still. Then, the Death Eaters began to celebrate. His sharp ears distinctly heard the sound of footsteps leaving, but no one seemed to be missing. He had a feeling Potter had something to do with that, but the haze that clouded his mind was too much for him to ponder over it.
Everything seemed to pass by in a blur, and the next thing he knew, he was in the well-known office, staring blankly at the portrait of the man he had killed.
He was sitting in the same office now, as Headmaster of a Hogwarts he would not have imagined even in his worst nightmare. Dumbledore's portrait never spoke but often, just looking at it made him regret nearly everything he had done, since the day the dreaded mark had been imprinted on his skin. He remembered it all clearly, though it seemed like centuries ago.
The day Lily took away his last hope. The day she married James Potter. Severus had known it was coming, of course, but the wedding itself seemed to add a certain finality to everything. And so he had tried to drown his sorrows in Bella. When he scarlet lips met his, he found himself wishing they belonged to someone else. She must have sensed this, for she then whispered something about a very interesting night, into his year, and before he knew it he found himself in front of the Dark Wizard that he had only heard ghastly tales about, before.
It would be years before he regretted his naïveté, and realised how cleverly and carefully it must all have been planned, when he discovered how far Bella would go for her Lord. But that night, his fury and remorse had culminated at the tip of his wand as he first tortured and eventually killed the random Muggle brought to him as his rite of passage, even going so far as to enjoy every moment of it.
"Please spare her, my Lord." He bowed, his heart beating faster than he had thought possible. The Dark Lord regarded him suspiciously.
"Why, Severus, does the Mudblood matter so much to you? Is it possible that one of my most loyal Death Eaters feels pity for such a filthy creature? Or worse yet, some form of love?"
Severus flinched. almost imperceptibly, at the cruel names Voldemort called Lily, but kept his composure.
"No, my Lord. I just-"
"You would do well to remember that I am not obliged to honour your wishes, Severus," Voldemort said coldly before Apparating away.
Severus remembered all right. He was reminded, rather, when he saw the lifeless figure of the woman he loved lying cold at the foot of the baby's crib later that very night.
As he sobbed with her ashen body in his arms, he wondered what he had done to the friends and family that all those Muggles and Muggleborns that he had killed must surely have. How could he have caused so much pain?
No, this would have to end, he told himself. He would make it end.
That was the night he had started fighting for both sides of the War. He didn't expect to survive it, however, no matter who won. Few pawns would make it through the battle, and only one would become Queen, if it was possible for that to happen. In Voldemort's reign, such honours would be reserved for Bellatrix. Among Dumbledore's warriors, none trusted him either. He would always be suspected, despised and mocked at. Soon enough, it wouldn't really matter. He would probably be dead in a few days, and it would be a welcome relief. But until then, he would fight, bound tightly in the chains he had agreed to be tied with.
Notes: Written for the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition
Position: Beater 1
Team: Kenmare Kestrels
Main Prompts: Write about a character being manipulated. (pawn)
Optional Prompts: steel-grey, freedom, chessboard
Slightly AU in some respects, especially in the 'flashback' scenes.