Lou's eyes skimmed the room for anything to distract her racing mind. On the wall directly In front of her were racks overflowing with leaflets, information she did not want to comprehend right now, avoidance was all she had left. There was water dripping from a tap into the sink to her right, slowly and methodically. Each drip fell in time with the beats of her heart, as she continued to be filled with dread. She knew what was coming, she had known for some time. Her instincts were screaming at her and she wanted to bolt, escape from the four white walls that surrounded her. Deep down, Lou knew she couldn't outrun her fate. Yet, still no-one came to put her out of her misery.
Lou was beginning to question why she had chosen to come by herself. She had never felt more alone than in this moment. Being a single parent was hard enough without not having someone to lean on when times were tough. Sure she had her grandpa but she knew Jack would feel awkward and uncomfortable, given the circumstances. Lou had almost asked Lisa to come with her for morale support but she wasn't in the mood for anyone fussing over her. Amy was out of the question, Lou didn't want to be depending on her little sister once again, and she already felt she had depended on Amy too much in the past when she split from Peter. Lou had always felt she needed to be the big sister, the strong and dependable one. That's what she needed to be right now - more than ever. She just wished there was someone there to hold her hand, to give her their added strength through their touch, to get through this day - the waiting had been torture.
Time was standing still, playing tricks on her mind. As her anxiety started to build she could feel her heart beating faster and adrenaline coursing through her veins. The feeling of fight or flight was increasing with every second that passed. Her head was thumping from the continued stress of waiting as she wrestled to keep herself sat down in the chair, knowing if she stood up she would make a move for the door. She needed to hear the words for herself, the words she had been scared to say out loud to anyone. The words that would change her life forever.
As the door began to open, Lou steeled her nerves. She watched closely as a doctor followed by a nurse entered the room. She couldn't help but study the solemn look upon the doctor's face as he introduced them both in name and profession. In that instant she felt her fears were confirmed. It felt as if everything was suspended in slow motion. Her eyes followed the doctor as he sat down at the desk with her notes in hand. She couldn't help but look at the folder he lay down, hoping for the answers to be spelled out in front of her. Slowly she braved meeting the doctors eyes and drew a long deep breath to prepare herself for what she knew he was about to say.
"Is there anyone here with you?" The doctor asked, "Anyone in the waiting room you'd like us to bring in?"
"No, it's just me" Lou replied in a small voice, knowing his questions had just backed up her intuition.
"They have discovered abnormal cells from your samples." The doctor stated with empathy.
Everything the doctor said from that point on became a blur to Lou. A mixture of fear and guilt spread through her. She wasn't able to fully concentrate on the moment at hand. Thinking only of her children. How could she tell her children she might have Cancer? Katie was far too young to understand. Georgie would understand and that was as equally terrifying to Lou. She was trying to hold it together while the nurse explained what would happen next. They were going to take a biopsy to get confirmation. Although Lou had heard of them she wasn't sure what it exactly entailed, agreeing to whatever would help end this nightmare that was finally feeling all too real.
The nurse told Lou that she could call someone while she went to prepare the trolley for the doctor if she wanted to. Lou found her phone in her handbag, switching it back on with shaking hands and pressed last number called, unable to type the numbers.
"They…they think it's Cancer" Lou stated, breaking into tears, unsure if she was understood through her sobs. "They found abnormal cells and they think its cancer, they are going to take a biopsy – right now." She added, feeling a sense of control coming back to her while relaying the information. Stating the facts made it feel less personal and easier to gain her composure, almost as though she were talking about someone else entirely. She was concentrating on holding it together and she wasn't listening to the other half of the conversation. As the nurse re-entered the room, Lou hastily said her goodbyes.
The nurse had a kind face with a warm smile. It was obvious she was empathetic but it felt more than that, almost motherly. Lou watched as she arranged the needles on the trolley. It was strangely fascinating to her. Soon the doctor came in and prepared for Lou's biopsy, explaining what he would do. Even as the doctor explained some of the risks associated with it, she felt calm. The potential for a punctured lung was vastly outweighed by the risks of not being treated for Cancer if that's what this biopsy was going to confirm. Her children needed her to be brave and to do this, the sooner the better. She lay still as the doctor instructed while he performed the procedure, gently talking her through each stage as she held her breath.
It felt surreal. This was her life now. Everything had changed.