Should've, Would've, Could've

by Vardy

Isabel reflects on her life since Alex's death, but in my AU-type world, Alex died in a car accident, and Tess wasn't a murdering little blond witch. Set 25 years in the future. Complete!

Should've, Would've, Could've by Vardy

Disclaimer:  Roswell and the characters are the property of Jason Katims, Melinda Metz, the WB, and the UPN –  I don't own them, but I promise I'll return them.  I just get to take them out to play time to time, and this is the result.   Please don't sue me - I'm a poor university student, and all you'll get are a bunch of debts, but if you are really offended and want to take something, you can have my goldfish.  I also don't own the lyrics to the song "My Lover's Gone."  They belong to Dido.

Spoilers: Second Season (But in my little world, Max didn't take Tess' bra off, and there is no baby – yes, I am quite happy living in Egypt.  Denial is a good place to be).

Author's Notes:  This story has been rattling around in my head for quite some time, and I thought I would go crazy if I didn't write this.  Also, the story might be a little confusing, but not too hard to figure out - I've combining Isabel's POV, diary entries, and Third Person POV.  Feedback would be greatly appreciated – the good, the bad, even the ugly.  I am considering turning this into a series, but that will be determined by feedback – if you want more, you have to tell me!

Distribution: Ask and ye shall receive.  Just let me know where it's going, please!

May 2026

Everything seemed so much simpler when I was seventeen.  I was young and in love and I had the world at my feet.  I had my entire future in front of me.  There was nothing I couldn't do if I put my mind to it.  I don't know if I still feel that way.

The boy I was in love with accepted me for who I was – who I really was, and that's a hard task for anyone who knows the real me.  He looked below the surface, and he fought for us even when I was ready to give up.  He even fought me when I pushed him away, again and again.  He was willing to do anything, to be anything, as long as we were together and happy.  He made me feel like I was a princess.  He's the only person who has ever really been able to do that for me.  Maybe because he believed in me in a way that no one else ever has.  He loved me in a way that no one else ever will.  And I love him, too, more than life itself.  I never stopped loving him, and I never will.  It all began with him loving me, and now it will end with me loving him.

It wasn't supposed to happen to us, not yet.  We were too young.  We were supposed to graduate, go to university, get married, live in the house with the white picket fence and a dog, have some kids, grow old together.  But we weren't that lucky.  There were so many things we didn't get to do.  I thought we would have so much time.  I thought we had forever.  But forever ended far too soon, and I was far too young then to understand all that I know now. 

Maybe that's why it was such a shock when everything fell apart so suddenly.  We weren't even really together for very long before it happened, although he'd been my best friend much longer.  But ever since it happened, I've been haunted.  Haunted with all of the things I should have said and done differently.  Haunted by the memories.  Haunted by his face, the sound of his voice, the way he made me feel.  And most of all, haunted by the fear that he never knew how much he really meant to me.  I have to hope and pray he knew how much I loved him.  I think he did.  I'm almost sure of it.  Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning, even after all of this time.  Maybe I'm kidding myself, but it comforts me somehow.   Maybe I'm crazy, but I truly believe that he's watching over me, still loving me the way he always has.  Still loving me the way that I still love him.

I've been with other men since him – I am a woman, after all, not a nun.  Maybe I should've been, but I was lonely enough without him.  Most of the men I see have no faces or personalities.  They're just bodies to keep me warm at night.  None of them have ever been able to make me feel the way he made me feel.  I know he forgives me for being with other men, that he would want me to be happy and to move on – everyone says so - but that's the one thing I can't do.  It's the one thing I won't do.  He took my heart with him when he left.  It might have been easier if he had shattered it into a million pieces.  Maybe then I could have hated him and gotten over him.  But he never did a thing to hurt me.  He was the gentlest man I have ever known, and he has never vacated my heart. 

Instead, I've had a string of meaningless relationships, where neither the man I was with at the time nor I really cared about each other.  They've all had the potential for being named national disasters, actually, some even more so than others.  I've often wondered if I should apply for emergency funding from the government, like tornado victims do. 

That's actually a good analogy for the men in my life.  They come into my life like a whirlwind, spin me around and spit me out, usually leaving a disaster in their wake.  I'm not going to attempt to say that some of my relationships didn't have good consequences – surprising and scary as hell, sure, but good, nonetheless.  That's how I got Phoebe.  Sure, her father loved to smack me around, and he very nearly killed me the night he found out I was pregnant, but I still value my time with Bill.  How could I not?  I love my baby girl too much not to.  I realized a few years ago that maybe, if I ever saw him again, I should say thank-you.  Bill would think I'm nuts, and so would everyone else, probably, but the only man I've ever truly loved would understand.  Just like he understands all of my choices, especially the girls.

You see, I'm the proud mother of two absolutely perfect, beautiful twin girls.  Our daughters.  He never even knew I was pregnant when everything happened twenty-five years ago, but then, neither did I.  We only had one magical night together before he was stolen from me, far too soon.  They know all about their father, and he knows nothing about them, except in my dreams.  I tell them about him every chance I get, and I tell them that he would have loved them more than life itself.  Everyone thought I was insane not to get an abortion, when I found out I was pregnant.  After all, what eighteen-year-old is really ready to be a full-time mommy?  Not me, I freely admit, but I couldn't not have my daughters – it simply wasn't an option.  That would mean giving up the last piece of him I could ever have, and I wasn't willing to do that.  Especially if it was even remotely possible that my baby would have his eyes or his smile someday.

So I made what turned out to be the easiest decision of my life.  It should have been the hardest, but I already loved the little ones inside of me.  It wasn't even a decision, really.  I just knew what I had to do.  I didn't know until much later that there were actually two little ones, which scared me as much as it thrilled me.  I had two perfect, precious little girls - one with his dark hair and my eyes, the other with my hair and his eyes.  They both have his smile, and I thank god every day that I have them.

My little girl, Phoebe, doesn't look like her father at all.  I'm thankful for that, too.  Everyone says she's a miniature version of me.  She's twenty now, and absolutely beautiful, of course.  She's going to take the world by storm, just like I was at that age, but I think she'll do a better job of it than I did.  She's grown up to be her own person, fiercely independent and full of fire.  I hope she doesn't make the same mistakes in her life that I did.  I hope I can teach all of my girls not to be like me.  But I'm not holding my breath.

By mistakes, I'm certainly not referring to my daughters.  They are the best of me, the best things I ever did.  The only worthwhile things, if you ask me.  When I was eighteen, I never would have believed that I would have any children, let alone be the mother of five beautiful, intelligent, funny girls.  Sarah, Holly, Phoebe, Krista and Jamie.  I didn't think I deserved them, and I still question that.  I just know that I'm thankful that I have them.  They have given my life a purpose, a meaning.  They are, quite simply, my whole reason to be.

No, when I say mistakes, I'm referring to my fears - the same fears that kept me apart from the man I loved and made me waste so much of the precious time we were given.  Part of the frivolity of youth, I guess.  We thought we were invincible, and when the real world caught up to us, my life fell apart.  That's what I hope I've taught my daughters – not to waste whatever time they have.  Instead of letting fear rule their decisions and their hearts, I want my girls to be safe and secure with the knowledge of whom they really are, of where they belong.  I want them to let someone into their hearts before it's too late.  Hopefully, they've learned something from me.  Hopefully, they're stronger and wiser than I was at their age.   It seems like a lifetime ago when I was that young and in love, and now three of my daughters are older than I was at that age.  I hope they won't have to go through what I did.  I want them to know that I will love them no matter who they are or what they do.  I don't want them to question themselves, to be afraid to love, like I was, all of those years ago…

********************************************************************

//My lover's gone,

His boots no longer by my door,

He left at dawn,

And as I slept I felt him go.

Returns no more

I will not watch the ocean,

My lover's gone,

No earthly ships will ever bring him home again,

Bring him home again.

My lover's gone,

I know this kiss will be my last,

No more his song,

The tune upon his lips has passed

I sing alone,

While I watch the ocean,

My lover's gone,

No earthly ships will ever bring him home again,

Bring him home again.//

~ My Lover's Gone, Dido (No Angel) ~

 

*

May 7, 2001

Dear Diary:

I don't know why I'm even doing this.  I think I'm going crazy.  It must be something I've picked up from spending too much time with my friend, Liz, but I can't talk to anyone else.  No one can help me.  If I don't write down everything that's rattling around in my head, I really might go nuts.

The love of my life is dead, and I never even told him.  That was the only thing that ran through my head in the week since Alex Whitman died.  Did he even know?  I wish I had a chance to tell him.  I wish we had a chance to do a lot of things.  There are so many things I didn't get to tell him, so many things I wanted to show him.  It's just not fair.  I want more time!  Alex, dead?  It sounds ridiculous, preposterous, even.  He's too young, and I love him too much.  He can't be dead.

He is, though, and I just want to run away, to leave Roswell forever.  I think that maybe that way I can have a chance at some semblance of a normal life.  He won't be there, but at least I won't have to look at everything that reminds me of him.  So, I applied to the University of San Francisco.  It's far enough away so that I won't have to see my family or friends, except on my terms, when I want to see them.   I love them, but they all knew him, too.  I need a clean break.  I've spent the last ten years playing the role of the perfect daughter, sister, friend.  The perfect citizen of planet Earth.  I've put in more hours of volunteer work than most people work.  It's time for me to get something back.  I thought that something could be Alex, but that's not possible anymore.  But even though he's dead, I still want a future.  I really am a bitch.

*

May 10, 2001

Dear Diary:

I hate my brother.  He just took me entire future away.

You see - I'm not really in control of my own life.  Max is.  I have a destiny – I was created as part of a master plan to save my home world, a place I don't even remember and have no real desire to visit.  I was born to kill, just like I killed Alex.  I don't know exactly how I did it, but I know I'm responsible for his death.  It's true.  Everything I love or touch dies.  But I don't care about my destiny anymore.  I don't care about anything anymore – not my brother, my friends, my parents, my destiny – nothing.  And if that makes me a horrible person, than so be it.  If I told Max or Michael or Tess that, they would think that I'm crazy.   Or a traitor, but god knows that that's nothing new.  I'm evil, the person who betrayed my world, my brother – all for a forbidden love.  I even hate the name Vilandra.  I'm so scared I could do it again, that I could be that heartless and cruel.  Alex made me forget all that.  He once told me that I could never be evil, because he loved me.  I trusted him to catch me if I fell, to stop me if he thought I would betray anyone.  He's gone now, though, and I have to catch myself.  I don't know how.  I'm so full of anger and hate right now, I doubt he would love the me I've become.

Max, Michael, Tess - they have this all-consuming need to fulfill their destiny, to go home, to figure it all out - and quite frankly, I just don't care anymore.  I don't care!  I don't know if I ever really did, deep down, or if I was just following their dreams.  Maybe I'm not strong enough to follow my own dreams.  Alex made me strong.  But Alex isn't here anymore.  Sometimes, I hate him for leaving me.  No, I take that back.  I don't hate him.  I love him.  Right now, I really hate the people who put me here to begin with.

If I wasn't here, then maybe Alex wouldn't be dead right now.  Maybe he would've had the chance to grow old, to marry a nice girl, to have children.  Maybe he would've been happy.  But if I wasn't here, then I wouldn't have known him, either, and I'm too selfish to want that.  I want him here with me, forever and always.  I'm also selfish enough to throw everything else away, including my destiny, even if it means my world and me people will die.  See?  I am Vilandra.

Sure, I would like to meet my birth family - what adopted kid wouldn't? – But my adoptive parents are all I really needed or wanted in my life.  I'm happy being a normal human…I would give up my powers in a heartbeat if it meant I could have Alex back and be a normal teenager again.  And quite frankly, isn't it a little ridiculous of my birth family to expect that of us?  Just give me a phaser and beam me aboard, Scotty – full warp ahead.  Sure, I can win a war for a planet who knows how many light years away, even though I don't speak the language and I don't have a sweet clue what I'm doing.  Yeah, right.  I'll get right on that one, guys.  I wouldn't know how to get there in the first place, and secondly, I don't want to go!  I have my own dreams, my own plans, and they don't include a career as a soldier, thank-you very much.  I'd look horrible in army fatigues.

Well, anyways, Max was the king of the planet in our, for lack of a better term, past lives.  That meant he got nominated leader of our little alien fight squad here on Earth.  And he told me that I could never leave Roswell without his permission.  That's when I began to hate him.  He threatened to keep me in Roswell even if I wanted to leave.  Right now I wish we'd held an election, but with my luck, Max would've won.  Democracy isn't even on my side.

And that's when I really thought I wanted to die.  It seems like the perfect solution, after all.  I would be free of a destiny I never asked for and never wanted, free of a brother who forgot he was supposed to give a damn about my feelings and my problems, and free to be with the man I loved for eternity.  The only problem I can see with the idea is that I would actually have to die, and no matter how sad and depressed I am, or how much I miss Alex, I can't quite convince myself that it's the best plan.  He wouldn't want that for me.  I might be free of all of the problems in my life, but it would just create a bunch of problems for everyone I love – even Max, who I hate just as fiercely as I love at the moment.  I just want the hurt to go away.  I just want Alex back.  When we were together, he managed to make all of the hurt and the fears go away.  I wish he was still with me now.

*

May 20, 2001

Dear Diary:

Alex's father called me today and asked me to come over to his house.  I went, but it was the last place on earth that I wanted to be.  I thought I was going to throw up as I walked to his front door.  That was the place we first kissed.  It seems so long ago and far away, somehow.

Alex's dad isn't doing too well, but hey, who am I to talk?  We all know that I'm dying a little every minute, too.  I've lost twenty pounds in less than a month.  It's the miracle diet from hell.  I can't convince myself to eat anymore.  I think, subconsciously, that it's my body's way of trying to bring me back to Alex.  My heart knows it's missing, and it wants my body to find it again.

Mr. Whitman is packing up his room.  It just seems so wrong, somehow, but he told me that it was just too painful to keep everything there.  He said that Mrs. Whitman just can't take it anymore, and the doctor's worried about her.  I think they've prescribed some drugs to help her cope.  I wish someone would do that for me.  But I know nothing's ever going to help again.

Mr. Whitman said he knew how much Alex loved me, and how much I loved him.  Is that true?  Did Alex really know I loved him?  I pray every night that he knew.  Mr. Whitman said I could take anything in his room that I wanted, and then he left me in there and closed the door.  I just lay down on his bed and cried.  His pillow still smells like him.  I asked Mr. Whitman if I could have that.  Maybe if I hold it at night, I can finally sleep.  I haven't slept since I stopped dreaming about him.  I know he won't be there anymore, and when I wake up, I forget for a few minutes.  Then it all just floods back again, and I want to die.

Mr. Whitman also let me have a few other things – Alex's Save Ferris CD, a copy of The Whit's demo, the wallet chain he always wore, a picture of us he had in his room that someone, maybe Maria, took of us when we were together last year, a bottle of his aftershave and a sweater that I gave him last Christmas that he wore all the time because he knew I liked it. 

I also found something else in his room when I was in there.  I was just looking through his desk drawers, for no particular reason, when I found some letters he wrote to me.  I can't bring myself to read them yet, but I took them, too.  Maybe I'll get enough courage to see his handwriting again someday.

Until then, I'll listen to his voice on The Whit's CD, put on his sweater, hold his pillow, and look at the picture of us, together, happy.  And I'll remember.

*

May 28, 2001

Dear Diary:

I graduated high school today, a year ahead of my class.  I can't go to university like I wanted, but I also can't bear to go back to high school next year without Alex.  I think I would go crazy if I did.  Maybe I'm already crazy.  Maybe I lost my mind on April 29 as well as my heart.

It should have been a great day, right?  I mean, the sun was shining, I looked perfect as usual, and everyone thought I was doing 'just fine' as I marched across the football field with everyone else, wearing my silly little cap and gown, with my parents in the stands, watching.  I went across the stage, shook the principle's hand, and accepted my diploma.

The only problem was, I didn't feel anything.  I haven't felt anything in a long time, really – nothing positive, anyway, not since Alex died.  I've been numb, dead inside.  All I did at first was cry and curse destiny.  Now I don't feel anything, which is why I think I'm crazy.  Crazy people don't feel anything, right?  If Alex had been in the stands today, cheering as they called my name, it would have meant everything.  But he wasn't there, and he'll never be there again.  Maybe I'm better off if I am crazy.  Maybe then it wouldn't matter so much that he's not here.

Max and Michael weren't there today, either.  They don't approve of my decision to graduate early.  I think they think I'm still hoping they'll change their minds and let me go.  I don't.  At first I tried to deny it, to rebel, to make Max feel the pain I was feeling.  But now I accept it, because nothing matters anymore except that Alex is dead.  My parents are worried about me, though, so I'm going to do some classes by distance, and then go full-time next year.  Although I don't really know what will really change between then and now.  I don't think our 'fearless leader' does, either.

*

June 22, 2001

Dear Diary:

I never expected it, but writing's been a comfort to me.  Maybe I should thank Liz.  But if I plan on doing that, I should probably act fast.  Remember my irrational wish to die?  Well, it may happen faster than I thought.  I will be officially dead in a few hours, when I tell Max my news.  If he doesn't kill me, I'm sure Mom and Dad will.  There's no way I can ignore it anymore.  I took the test, but I didn't need to.  The signs were all there.  I found out for sure yesterday, on Alex's birthday.  I'm pregnant with Alex's baby, and I'm keeping her. 

I'm positive it's a girl.  Alex and I talked about it once, when we were out in the desert, gazing up at the stars and dreaming about our future – back when I thought we would have a future together, despite all of my weirdness.  We both agreed that our favourite name for a little girl was Sarah Diane.  Sarah because we both thought it was a beautiful, simple name for a little girl, and Diane for my mom – my real mom.  She might not have given birth to me, but she is my mother in every way that matters.  I can't stand the thought that she'll be upset with having a pregnant teenage daughter, but Sarah is all I have left of Alex, and I will hold on to her with everything I have, and everything else be damned.  She is my life now, and anyone who wants to object will have to deal with my wrath.  And that's one argument that I'll never lose.

I had a dream last night.  Alex and I were in Frasier Woods, where we had the camp-out sophomore year, and we were dancing under the stars.  He kissed me, and we cuddled together on our rock.  I told him I was pregnant, and he gave me the biggest smile I've ever seen.  He told me I'd made him the happiest man on earth, and that he loved me and our baby.  Then he said he wished he could be with me, and that he'll watch over us, and that someday, when our baby was finished growing up and I had finished the role I was supposed to play here, he would come and get me.  And then we'll spend eternity in each other's arms, something we were cheated out of in this world. 

When I woke up, I felt this incredible sense of peace come over me.  As odd as it sounds, I really believe that I was talking to the real Alex last night, not the Alex I've imagined in my dreams every night since he left me.  And I believe every word he told me – that we really would be together again, someday, and that he knows and loves this baby as much as I already do.

I'm actually glad this happened, as scary as the prospect of being a single mother might be.  It's given me a reason to go on.  Alex and I only made love once, on prom night – the best night of my life.  I guess aliens and birth control don't mix well, but we were together and happy, and I don't regret a single thing that happened that night.  I can't say that about most of my life, but I don't regret any of the time I had with him, and I don't regret the baby, and I never will.  I know I can give my baby the security I never really had, even though my parents and Max loved me.  My baby will know who she is.  And I will protect her with my life.

Now I just have to tell Max…

*******************************************************************

June 22, 2001

They met at the cave, the place it all began.  Not just the four aliens, but also the humans who knew their secret – Liz, Maria, Kyle and Sheriff Valenti.  Isabel figured that Max wouldn't kill her in front of everyone, but even more importantly, they all deserved to know.  They had all loved Alex, too, and besides, it was easier to just have to say it once.

"What's up, Iz?" Max asked, joining the others on the blankets Isabel had brought and spread on the floor as seats.

She was visibly nervous as she paced.  "Um, thanks for coming out here.  I know it was inconvenient.  I have something to tell all of you, and you deserve to find out together, but it's also something that I would prefer to keep quiet as long as possible, at least until I get to talk to my mom and dad.  But you all have to know, too."

"Just tell us, Isabel," Michael said impatiently.

"Okay, but this is really hard, and I really need you to promise to hear me out before you get upset," she whispered miserably, looking directly at Max and Michael.

"Isabel, I promise we won't get upset," Max swore impatiently.

"Okay."  She took a deep breath and decided to just get it over with.  "I'm pregnant."

The silence was overwhelming.  Isabel swore she could actually hear the rock age.  It seemed like hours before anyone moved, but in reality, it was only a few seconds.

Slowly, Max and Michael stood and faced her.  She swallowed nervously.  'This wouldn't be so hard if Alex was here,' she thought miserably.  'He would've held my hand and told me everything would be all right.  We would've been together.'

"What did you say?"  Max's voice was low, dangerous.

Isabel took a deep breath and forced her voice to be steady.  "I'm pregnant.  I'm going to have a baby."

"Who's the father?" Michael asked bluntly.

Tears stung in Isabel's eyes.  She was about to respond when Maria jumped up and smacked Michael in the arm.

"How can you even ask her that, Michael?  It's Alex's, isn't it?" she asked her, already knowing the answer.  "I mean look at her.  You can see it in her eyes.  She was with him before he died, and Isabel isn't the type to sleep around.  She wouldn't cheat on him."

"Is it Alex's?" Max's voice was cold.

"Yes.  And I'm having the baby."  It took every ounce of strength she possessed to stay calm under his scrutiny.

"What the hell are you thinking?"  Tess exploded, shooting to her feet and stalking towards Isabel.  "Have you totally lost it?  You have to get rid of it immediately!  What happens if it comes out green?  Are you willing to sacrifice all of us for your selfish desire to hang on to your little human boyfriend instead of accepting your destiny?"  Tess' voice rose with every word, and by the time she had finished, her voice was shrill and she had forced Isabel to back up until the cold rock cut into her shoulders.

Isabel opened her mouth to respond, but before she could say a word, Liz shot across the room and grabbed Tess by the arm.  "If I ever hear you speak to Isabel like that again, I swear to god that I'll make you regret it.  Apologize to her now.  She just told us she is pregnant with Alex's child.  You should be offering to help her or support her in any way you can, not whining about it!"

"You can't talk to me like that!" Tess exclaimed, looking at Max pleadingly.  "You know what I'm saying is the truth.  How are we going to explain a baby that can make its toys float across the room? And what if it doesn't look human?"

"Maxwell, I'm with Tess on this one.  Isabel can't have the baby.  It's too dangerous."

"Neither of you have any say in the matter." Isabel enunciated every word carefully, thoughtfully.  Her voice was low and cold.  "This is my body.  It's my baby – Alex's and mine.  He is the only person whose opinion would matter to me in this case.  But he's not here anymore.  So I guess it's up to me."

"Max is the king!" Tess retorted.  "You have to do what he says!"

Daggers shot from Isabel's eyes as Maria and Liz moved to flank her on either side. 

"You can't force her to do anything." Valenti spoke for the first time, his voice low and controlled, reflecting the tension that was radiating through the room.  "There are laws about this kind of thing.  Women have the right to chose, and it sounds to me like she's made her decision."

"The law shouldn't apply to something like this!" Michael argued.  "We aren't human!  Do you really want to be responsible for exposing us?"

"No!" Isabel cried, her tears finally bursting forth.  "I don't want to hurt anyone!  But that does not mean I'll let anyone hurt this baby, either!  She is human!  She's only one-quarter alien, so she might not have any powers anyway.  And I will die before I let anyone take her from me, whether it's you or the FBI.  I will keep this baby safe.  If that means I have to leave Roswell, then so be it.  I'll hop on the next bus and you'll never hear from me or see me again.  You have no right to tell me what to do, Michael."

"But I do."  Max's voice was cold, and Isabel could feel Maria's hand grip hers, offering comfort.  "You know you can't have this baby, Isabel.  And you already know I won't ever let you leave Roswell."

"Yes, Max, I can have this baby.  And from this moment on, consider me gone."

Michael looked at her oddly.  "Gone?  What the hell are you talking about, Iz?"

"Gone.  Finished.  Out.  Use whatever word you want, but I refuse to give up this baby.  So I am giving up my destiny instead."  Isabel's voice was steady, but she gripped Maria's hand tightly as tears ran from her eyes.

"That's ridiculous!  You can't just 'give up' your destiny!" Tess cried, suddenly knowing they had gone too far.

"Read my lips: I. Just. Did."

"Isabel!  Be reasonable!" Max said desperately.  "You know you can't have a baby!  What are you going to tell Mom and Dad?"

"Anything I want," she replied, glaring at them as Liz took her other hand.  She suddenly felt freer than she had since Alex died.  Hell, she felt free for the first time in her life.  "I loved Alex, Max, more than I ever knew – and not just because he was my soul-mate.  He was.  But he was also a lot more than that.  He was the person who showed me it was possible to be the person I wanted to be.  He saw me.  I hope you feel that way again someday.  I didn't try to get pregnant – it just happened.  And I am so grateful that I did.  I can't have him, but now I'm going to have his baby.  In case you're interested, that will be sometime in January.  If you try and stop me -" she included Tess and Michael in her icy glare, "I will turn all of us in to the FBI.  Don't think I won't."

"You would never do that," Tess said with certainty.  "You'd be signing your own death warrant, and this precious little bundle's, too."

"Isabel, don't talk crazy!" Michael yelled.

Isabel's voice got quieter as her fury grew.  As she spoke, the others had to strain to hear her.  "Don't ever speak to me again like that, Michael, and don't be stupid enough to doubt what I'm saying.  I mean every word of it.  You don't have the right to tell me how to live my life.  As I see it, the three of you have a choice.  You can either leave me alone or you can support me.  That's the only decision you get to make, your highness, because have no doubt: I am having this baby.  I will stay here in Roswell, Max, because I know you meant it when you said you would physically drag me back if I ever attempted to leave.  That's fine, I don't care anymore where I live.  But you cannot tell me I have to destroy my child before she's even born.  You don't have the right to make that decision.  You don't have the right to force me to do anything I don't want to do.  Only I do.  But today, because of what you've said, you have also lost the right to know me or my child."  Slowly, haughtily, she released Liz and Maria's hands, picked up her purse, and left.

"Way to go, Max," Liz said, glaring at them.

"Is that what you would say if it was our baby, Michael?"  Maria asked furiously.  "If I was pregnant, would you try to make me have an abortion just because you're scared of getting discovered?"

"No, of course not, Maria!"

"Then how is this any different, Michael?  You just told the girl that you say you love like a sister to have an abortion when she told you she wants the baby.  I never would have believed that you would say something like that to anyone, and especially to Isabel.  If you were the one who had died, not Alex, having your child would have been the only reason my life was worth living."

Liz just shook her head and took Maria's arm, leaving the cave.

"What just happened here?" Max asked helplessly, as he watched the two girls leave.

Kyle stood, speaking for the first time.  "You just screwed up royally, your majesty," he said sarcastically as he left, tossing a mock salute behind him.  His father followed him, silently shaking his head, looking disappointed and sad.  The three aliens were left to stare at each other in disbelief.

*

Isabel was sobbing as she ran from the cave.  As much as she had feared telling her brother, somewhere deep inside her had hoped that he would support her.  But that hope had died when she saw the look in his eyes.  "I need all the help I can get," she muttered as she ran along the road back to Roswell.  Max had driven her out to the caves, and she sure as hell wasn't going to ask him for a ride home, even if it meant walking the entire way back.  Besides, she was a runner; if she could handle a seven-mile run every morning, she could surely hike back in to town.

Her breath began to come in gasps, a combination of her tears and the physical strain she was under.  Suddenly, she didn't think she could take another step and she sank to the ground, crying.  She felt drained, both emotionally and physically, and all she wanted was Alex.

Isabel didn't notice when Maria's little red Jetta screeched to a stop behind her, or when Maria and Liz tumbled out and ran over to her.  All she knew was two comforting sets of arms wrapped around her and led her to the car.

"Isabel?" Liz asked tentatively.  She was scared that she would hurt herself or the baby if she continued crying like that.  "Sweetie, it'll be okay.  We'll help you.  Anything you need.  We loved Alex, too."

"Yeah.  We're the baby's surrogate aunts, after all.  Who else is going to tell it all about Alex when he was little?"

Isabel wiped her eyes with the tissues Maria handed her.  "But Max…I really hoped he would understand…my baby…"

"Isabel, you cannot worry about Max or Michael right now, and Tess doesn't even deserve the time of day, in my opinion.  If you want to have the baby, we will support you however we can."

Isabel smiled slightly.  "Really?  I know you can't be too fond of aliens right now."

"Iz, that doesn't matter right now.  What matters now are you and the baby."

"Do your parents know yet?" Maria asked.

"No, but I needed to tell them tonight, preferably before Max gets home.  It couldn't stay a secret much longer anyway, and I hate lying to them.  I've got to tell the Whitman's, too.  They deserve to know, and they deserve to be a part of the baby's life if they want that."  She looked up into Liz's eyes.  "I know you blame us for his death.  God knows I blame myself.  But he would want you to be a part of her life.  He loved both of you, and I would like you to be this baby's godmothers."

"Yes!" Maria cried, throwing her arms around Isabel.

Liz's reaction was calmer, but it almost meant more to Isabel than Maria's obvious excitement.  "I don't blame you, Isabel.  I never did.  We both know Alex loved you, and I'm pretty sure you loved him, too.  I really want to be a part of your life, and this baby's.  Not just for Alex or the baby, but for you, too."

Isabel pulled her into the hug with Maria, even though Liz sat in the back seat.  "This means so much to me.  Thank-you for sticking up for me – I'm really not sure how much more I could take.  If Alex was still here, I would be walking on air.  We would be a family.  But now?  I'm just so frightened and confused.  I'm only seventeen.  How can I have a baby?  But I can't give this child up, even though my head tells me what Max and the others said is true.  I already love my baby, just like I loved Alex.  This baby's a part of that."

"Don't worry.  We'll help you through anything," Liz promised, as Maria nodded emphatically.

****************************************************************

May 2026

Liz and Maria stood by me through everything.  Maybe I should have known better, but at the time, I must admit that I was kind of surprised.  But it's been nearly twenty-five years, and now I know the truth.  Elizabeth Parker and Maria DeLuca are two of the best people I have ever met.  From the moment they found out I was pregnant, they protected me and defended me any way they could, and they still are, after all these years.  They even came with me when I told the Whitman's.  I am so lucky to have them as my best friends, and my girls are even luckier to have them as role models.

It's weird in a way, though.  If you had asked me before September 17, 1999, if I thought my best friends in the world would be perfect Liz Parker and her quirky sidekick Maria DeLuca, I would have personally driven you to the nearest mental hospital.  It didn't seem possible.  I mean, when Max healed Liz and began dating her, I think I almost hated her.  I thought she was going to take Max from me.  He and Michael were so much more than just my brothers; they were my security blanket, my protectors, my best friends - the only people I could truly depend on.  But then came the humans.  Maria, my shopping buddy extraordinare.  Liz, my drown-our-sorrows with ice-cream partner.  And Alex, most important, my love, my heart.  Maria and Liz made my brothers happy and complete, just as Alex did for me, and I will always love them for that, alone.

Maria and Liz supported me every way they possibly could during my pregnancy.  At first, I thought it was because it was Alex's baby.  Later, I realized that they genuinely liked me – the Ice Princess of West Roswell High.  For the first time in my life, I had real girlfriends, who accepted me for who I was, despite my 'not of this world' origins.  I am so grateful they were there for me, especially since the rift between my brother and I grew wider by the day.  I think he realized he was wrong to push the idea of an abortion on me; it's not that I'm against them – I'm actually pro-choice – but for me, the choice was obvious.  I wanted Alex's baby more than anything.

The distance between me and Max and Michael hurt me more than anything else.  I could ignore the gossip and the looks of pity people sent my way, but I missed my brothers.  They were the only people I could depend on for most of my life, and suddenly, they were out of my life.  They took me seriously when I said I wanted out.  As sad as it might be, they basically asked me to choose between them and Alex's baby, and the baby won, hands down.  And Tess?  I think she was too afraid of Liz to come near me.  I think she knew that if she fought with Liz again any time soon, Max wouldn't have taken her side very quickly, and that was enough to make her leave me alone.  Plus, I think she knew Liz could take her in a catfight any day of the week.  Whenever I ran into the three of them - which was inevitable, considering the size of Roswell, but so infrequent that I was pretty sure that they were trying to give me the space I desperately needed – I wanted to beg them to forgive me, to welcome me back into the fold.  But I couldn't back down.  I had to protect my baby at any cost…even if it meant sacrificing my relationship with my brother to do it.

Mom and Dad never knew why Max and I became so distant.  They still don't, but Mom and Dad don't know a lot of things about us.  By some kind of unspoken agreement, I think we both knew we had to keep them out of it.  Besides, what were we going to say?  Max thought I was crazy for deciding to have a baby that was one-quarter alien?  No, our distance just became another thing we didn't share with our parents.  The list seemed to be growing by the day.

It kind of surprised me at first, but both Kyle and Sheriff Valenti were really nice to me during my pregnancy.  Kyle, Liz and Mara would rock over to the house every few nights, and drag me out – kicking and screaming on occasion.  They said I couldn't spend my whole life knitting blankets and booties for the baby.  The sheriff was the one that really surprised me, though.  One day, he showed up out of the blue with Kyle's old cradle.  He had completely refinished it for me, covering it with little pink ribbons.  He said that he knew I didn't have anything like that from when I was a baby, but he thought I could use it.  Later, after I had the twins, he showed up with an identical one for the second baby.  Kyle told me later that he had searched all of the antique shops in this part of the state to find a matching one.  I asked Kyle and Jim to be the godfathers.  It's a position I had always thought that Max and Michael would hold, but that was obviously impossible with everything that had happened.

Maria's mom, Amy, was really wonderful, too, and so were Liz's parents.  Amy told me once that she knew exactly what I was going through – she was about my age when she had Maria.  And although Alex didn't take off like Maria's dad did eventually, the situation was similar, because, like it or not, I was alone.  Amy would appear often, bearing little gifts for the baby.  She'd grin at me when I complained about how big I was and stroke my hair when I cried over Alex.  She was his surrogate mother, and she became mine, too.  My kids call her Grandma Amy.

When I was seven months pregnant, Amy, my mom, Maria and Liz threw me a baby shower.   Amy made a tiny mobile with a celestial theme.  She said Maria suggested it.  They even included the V-shaped constellation that I'm from.  Maria told me later that she thought my baby might like to participate in the same activity Alex and I loved – stargazing.  

My parents were really great throughout my pregnancy, too, after they got over the initial shock.  They accepted my decision without question, which meant everything to me, and they promised to help in any way they could.  Mom even told me that she understood why I wanted the baby, and I really think she did.  I got a job as a secretary at their law firm when one of the women who worked there retired.  It was nepotism at its finest, I know, but I needed the money.  Liz helped me get a job at the Crashdown, so I worked there every weekend, too.  After work three days a week, I would drive into the university and take classes.  I knew I had to get an education if I wanted to give my baby everything she deserved.  I also took classes by distance, and I was able to do a full term's work that summer. I managed another full year's worth that fall.

When I was five months pregnant, my parents helped me move into my very first apartment.  I really wanted my own place, to be independent, and they said they understood.  But I have to admit that part of that desire was to escape from Max.  It was so hard to live in the same house with him.  And I was planning on giving birth to the baby at home, but I knew that Mom would insist on taking me to a hospital.  I couldn't risk that, though – if someone took a blood sample, or the baby really did look alien, I would have had to do some pretty fast-talking, and I really don't think there's any reasonable explanation I could've offered.  Mom and Dad were incredibly generous.  They even bought me my own car, because they thought it would be too hard for me to manage with the baby on the bus.  I think, towards the end, they were even more excited about the baby than I was.

The Whitman's were walking on air.  For them, the girls were something they never thought they would have: a lasting connection to Alex.  I understood how they felt completely.  They offered to help me with expenses and things, which was nice of them, but I refused.  Between the money I inherited from Grandma and Grandpa Evans and what I made a work, I was actually doing quite well. 

Instead of giving me child support like they had wanted, the Whitman's got around my protests of self-sufficiency by buying a lot of stuff for the baby and the apartment – everything we could ever need or want.  And they started a trust fund for the baby out of the money they had put away for Alex's education.  Joan and Charlie were always popping over at odd times, usually bearing some sort of odd-shaped parcel.  I think the funniest time was the day I opened the door when I was eight months pregnant to find Charlie, bearing a case of canned peas, a pack of diapers and a lamp.  I think he was afraid I wasn't eating properly.  Either that or he decided to take up a new hobby…I'm still not sure which, but to this day, I can't bear to tell him that I hate peas.

When I told the Whitman's about the baby, Joan started to cry.  At first, I thought she was upset, but she told me they were tears of happiness.  She told me she knew how much Alex loved me, and that she was sure he would have married me one day.  I like to think that's true.  She said I would always be their daughter-in-law in their hearts. 

Mom and Dad and the Whitman's were all great to me.  Right after the girls were born, when we were still in Roswell, I made sure we spent every Saturday afternoon with their maternal grandparents, and Sundays with the Whitman's, followed by a trip to visit daddy's grave with some fresh flowers.  It might sound morbid, but I wanted the girls to understand that Alex would be with us if he could.  I wanted to know him any way they could.  I think they grew to love him almost as much as I do through their grandparent's memories and all of the stories Liz, Maria and I tell them.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, Liz and Maria spent more and more time with me, and I was so happy they were in my life…

*******************************************************************

December 10, 2001

"I'm so big right now that I don't walk, I waddle," Isabel complained as she opened the door to let Maria and Liz in.

"You look wonderful," Maria said as she hugged Isabel hello.  "You're glowing – and not just because you're a Czech!"

"Hi, Iz.  How are you feeling?" Liz asked.

"Fat." Isabel grinned as she lowered herself onto the couch.  She didn't really mind.  "And I've still got two months left.  The people at work have started a pool to see how big I get.  I'm in for twenty dollars, but I'd better lay off the tuna and whipped cream sandwiches if I want to win.  So, how are you guys?"

"Okay.  Michael and I are going to the movies tonight.  You know, Iz, he keeps asking about you."

"Really?  I miss him and Max so much.  How is he?"

"He's doing well. He's actually going to school a lot more now, and he's actually doing quite well."

"Max is still following Tess around like a puppy dog.  It's disgusting, Isabel," Liz added.  "I think I'll always love him, but I really don't respect him right now."

"Liz, if this means anything, I really don't think it has anything to do with you, and even less to do with her.  He doesn't love Tess; he's just mad at me, so he's striking out at you, because you don't agree with his assessment that this baby could bring about the apocalypse."

"Are you ever going to speak to him again?" Maria asked softly.

"I really don't think that's up to me," she answered sadly.  "He's my brother, and I'll always love him and Michael.  But this is my baby.  I've always wanted to have a real family, and I can't give that up.  I don't see why I can't have both worlds."

Maria hugged her again.  "Don't worry.  It'll all work out."

"Not to change the subject, but have you given any more thought to the birth?  I've talked to Riverdog, and he didn't have any idea what to expect.  Tess might, but I'm not exactly anxious to chat with her, but I will if you want me to.  I'm finishing my midwifery class this weekend, but beyond that, I'm not exactly sure what else I can do."

"I don't want Tess' help, unless it becomes absolutely necessary.  Besides, I don't think she would be that much help – at first she kept muttering about how alien pregnancies only last a month or so, and that's obviously not the case.  I figure we'll just play it by ear.  If something goes wrong, we can either go to the hospital or call Max."  Isabel paused, biting her lip.  "I'm starting to get really nervous about the whole idea of labour, so I did something today."

"What?"

"Well, I went down to the community centre and signed up for Lamaze classes.  It's a weekend class that crams the whole thing into two days, but the catch is, I need a coach.  I was wondering if one of you would mind?"

"Oh, Iz, I'd love to!"  Maria cried excitedly.  "If Liz gets to deliver the baby, I'd love to be the birth coach!

*********************************************************************

May 2026

I went into labour on Christmas Eve, nearly a month early.  I've got to admit, I was terrified.  Maria was with me when it began, and she called Liz for me.  It was painful, sure, but I was one of the lucky ones – it was over really quickly.  Actually, all my deliveries were relatively quick.  Must be an alien thing.  But I must admit that I was never as surprised in my life as I was when I had two perfect little girls.  I think that was the happiest day of my life…

*

"Two babies!" Maria cried.  "Twins!"

"Are they okay?" Isabel panted.

"Yes, they're perfectly fine, and they're beautiful.  What are you going to name them?" Liz asked as she gave Isabel the first baby.  Maria was holding the second little girl.

Isabel was radiant.  "Auntie Liz, Auntie Maria, I would like to introduce you to Sarah Diane Elizabeth," she said, gesturing to the baby she was holding as she gently kissed her daughter's forehead.  "Alex and I talked about it once, a long time ago, and we agreed that it was what we would name our daughter some day."  Isabel had never told anyone her choice for the baby's name.

"What about this little one?" Maria asked, tears coming to her eyes as she perched next to Isabel on the bed.  "You didn't know you were having twins, did you?"

"I wasn't sure, but I started having these dreams a while ago.  Alex was there, and he was holding two little babies wrapped in pink blankets.  He said they were the most beautiful babies he'd ever seen, and that he was watching over all three of us."  Tears ran down Isabel's cheeks.  "We had never really discussed another name, but in the dream, it seemed clear.  Meet Holly Alexandra Maria.  They look a little like him, don't you think?" she asked, rubbing her finger over the soft golden hair on her daughter's head.  Sarah's hair was as dark as Alex's.

"I love the names," Liz said.  "You don't have to name Sarah after me, although I would be honoured."

"Your goddaughter should have your name, Liz, just like Holly will have Maria's.  My little Christmas angels," she whispered.  "Would one of you mind calling my parents and the Whitman's?  They'll be so happy."

"Sure, I can do that," Liz said, hugging her gently.  "Iz, you did great.  I'm so proud of you."

"Thank-you both for all of your help.  I couldn't have done any of this without you."

Maria gave Isabel the other baby.  "I'll help Liz and give you three a chance to get to know each other.  I'll be back in a minute."

Isabel looked down into the sleepy eyes of her babies.  "I promise that you two will always come first with me.  I will always keep you safe.  You will always know how much I love you, no matter what, and you will always know how much your daddy loves you, too.  I wish he could've seen you both."

*

"Liz, I think we should call Max and Michael first," Maria whispered.  "Isabel misses them so much, and if they're ever going to bury the hatchet, this is the time."

"Are you sure?"

"She's missing them right now, I know.  At least this way they can see that they don't have to worry that the babies look Czechoslovakian."

*

Half an hour later, Isabel heard a knock at her door.  She figured it was her parents or Alex's, but she nearly gasped when she saw Michael and Max follow Maria and Liz into her room.

"Max?  Michael?  What are you doing here?"

"Maria called me," Michael said.  "She suggested that we come over here and meet your daughters."

"How are you doing?"  Max asked.

"Okay…they're so beautiful," she whispered, looking down at the two blanket-wrapped bundles in her arms.  "I'm glad you came."

"Can I see them?" Michael asked.

Isabel smiled softly.  "Sure.  Come here and I'll introduce you."  Michael and Max sat beside her on the bed.  "Max, Michael, meet your nieces, Sarah Diane Elizabeth and Holly Alexandra Maria."

"They really are beautiful, Iz.  I'm glad you're back."

*********************************************************************

May 2026

That Christmas was the happiest one of my life.  My daughters were so tiny and beautiful, and they depended on me for everything.  They were such good babies.  I had dreams for weeks afterward, of me and Alex, Sarah and Holly.  I still do, sometimes.  In the dreams, we were just a regular family, doing regular things, like grocery shopping or taking the girls to the park.  I cherish those dreams like memories, because I firmly believe they were a gift from Alex – a reminder of what should've been.  In some of them, the girls were older, and in one dream in particular that I had a few days after they were born, they were about the same age they are now.  It's amazing, but in the dream they looked so much like they do today – Sarah with Alex's hair and my eyes, and Holly with my golden hair and Alex's beautiful eyes.  Their faces are identical, though, and are completely their own.

In my dreams, Alex and I are so happy.  I sometimes think about what it would've been like if he had lived.  I would've left Roswell, no matter who objected, and we would've followed Alex to whichever University offered him the biggest scholarship.  I'm sure they would have fought over him – he was brilliant.  He would be a computer programmer and play in a band on the side and we would've gotten married.   He would have been the father of my other children.  But those are just dreams.

I haven't had a real relationship since Alex died, the kind where you give your heart totally to the other person.  I really believe that Alex was my soul mate, and I couldn't convince myself to really commit to anyone else the same way I did with him.  He was my other half, my first love, the father of two of my children.  Hell, he was my whole universe.  I'm content, now, but I'll never feel the way I did when I was with him – like I was floating on air, like I was complete.  All of the men in my life did have some impact on the person I am today, though, and in a strange way, I'm grateful to all of them…especially the ones that fathered my other daughters.

As much as I wished everything could go back to the way it was between me and Max and Michael before Alex died, that just wasn't possible.  They still needed me to be Isabel Evans, carefree teenager hell bent on finding a way home and kicking some alien ass.  I couldn't be that girl anymore.  I grew up the day Holly and Sarah were born in more ways than one.  Maybe if Alex had been alive, I could've been the girl they needed me to be.  Maybe I could've chased after dreams and battled skins and fought the evil within.  Maybe I could've kissed my girls goodbye one day and left them in his arms if I ever got the chance to go home.  Thank god I never had to make that choice.  I think it would've killed me.  He was dead, and I had two babies who depended on me for everything.  It didn't matter to them if I was an alien princess sent to Earth, destined to grow up and free my people.  To Sarah and Holly, I was just mommy.

Max and Michael couldn't understand how I could just abandon the role I was supposed to play.  They were horrified when I refused to help them save the planet.  They didn't really believe me until the day came when they had to leave Roswell to take out the last of the skins, and I refused to go.  They called me a selfish princess, and asked me if I felt any compassion or obligation to the planet of my birth at all.  I do, sure.  But I had a bigger obligation: to raise two little girls to be free in a way I never was.  And it's not like they didn't fight their destinies, too – Michael didn't want to marry me any more than I wanted him to.  We both knew he belonged with Maria, and I belonged with Alex.  It just didn't work out too well for me.  I told them the truth: I don't believe in destiny anymore.  And I think that scared them more than anything…

*********************************************************************

January 24, 2002

Dear Diary:

Sarah and Holly are one month old today.  I wish Alex could be here to see them – he would've been so proud.  They are such good babies – I think they know I need all the help I can get. 

My apartment's turned into the hotspot of Roswell.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have a stream of visitors.  Mom and Dad drop by to cuddle the girls and bring me casseroles – I lost all of the weight I gained with the girls, as well as a couple of extra pounds, so Mom's sure I've got some kind of vitamin deficiency, but she would lose weight, too, if she was taking care of two babies alone.  The Whitman's stop by often to spoil them rotten, too. 

Liz comes by after school every day.   I asked her yesterday why she wasn't out doing all of the fun stuff seniors should be doing, and she just smiled at me a little sadly.  I know she's thinking of Max a lot.  She dated Maria's cousin Sean for a while, but I think she knew she was just using him as a way to ignore the pain, and Liz is too honest to use someone as a distraction.  She still loves Max, even after all this time and after all of the pain he's caused her.  She said, "I'd rather spend some time with people who really matter."  When she said that, I nearly started to cry…and not just because I'm a tad overemotional these days.  She deserves some happiness, but Max is too blind to see the truth.  How did my brother get to be so stupid?  Sometimes I even think that Tess has him brainwashed.  God only knows what she can really do with all that mind-warp stuff.  He really seems to believe that his destiny is with her, although they will clearly never work.  Max belongs with someone like Liz, someone who will love and support him even though he has a duty to some faraway world.  Tess' love is to demanding.  Liz loves him unconditionally, the same way she loves the girls and me.  I could not have picked a better godmother for them - except perhaps Maria. 

Maria is an absolute godsend.  She swings by so much that sometimes I think she lives here, but I certainly don't mind.  It gives me a break from the girls, because as much as I love them, they are a handful.  I admit it – it's harder than I thought it would be.  The only reason I can write this today is because she's taken them for a walk in their stroller.  Out of the three of us, Maria, at least, is sublimely happy – so much so that I'm scared sometimes that it will all far apart, the way it did for me and Alex.  Her pure joy is hard to ignore, and it reminds me a little of the way I felt right before he died.  I hope and pray nothing like that ever happens to her.

Michael is the reason she's so blissfully happy.  I think he's finally come to terms with who he really is: Michael Guerin, a man who loves a woman named Maria DeLuca - not simply an alien biding his time on Earth until he can go home and fight a war.  He's committed to her fully.  He told me today that he loves her more than anything else, and that he's going to ask her soon to marry him after graduation.  He's already bought her a ring.  It's not a diamond - Maria doesn't like them – so he bought her an emerald.  He said she deserved something unique, and I couldn't agree more.  He says it reminds him of her eyes.  Then he told me he admired me.  Me!  I asked him why, and I was shocked at his answer.  He was holding Sarah, and he looked up at me and smiled.  "You've got it all figured out," he said.  "I always wanted to find my real home, my real family.  But you figured it out early that the person you loved was home.  Thank-you for making me realize that."

Yes, Alex was my home, and I think he always will be.  I doubt I will ever feel as safe as I did that last night he held me in his arms.  In my heart, I married him that night.  He made my crazy life make sense.

My brother's life is in this downward spiral, and it's scaring me.  Everyone knows Max and Tess don't belong together – I think they know it, too, but they're not ready to admit it yet.  Max needs someone to balance him, and as much as I wish it could be Tess for her sake, it isn't.  It's not that she doesn't love him.  She does, more than anything.  He loves her, too, in his own way, but they don't radiate the pure joy you can see on Michael and Maria's faces.  Instead, Max looks like a person that's dying inside.  I know because it's the same thing I see every morning when I look in the mirror.  He isn't the brother I knew growing up.  I fully admit that I'm not the same, either – I don't hide behind my 'princess' façade anymore, and I'm not the carefree little girl he knew once upon a time – but I am scared for him.  He never laughs anymore.  I miss the brother I used to know.  I can't be truly happy, not without Alex, but he still has a chance.  I hope he doesn't wait until it's too late, like I did.  You never have enough time. 

It's not that I hate Tess.  I don't – she's part of my family.  I just wish she would set my brother free.  Neither of them is happy.  I really think that there is someone out there for her.  It's just not Max.

*

March 12, 2002

Dear Diary:

It's amazing how much Holly and Sarah have changed.  They're almost three months old now, and they're more beautiful than ever.  They have Alex's smile, and every time they grin, it feels like he's smiling back at me again.  I've missed that smile so much in the months since he died.  Just looking at them gives me an incredible sense of peace.

Sarah reminds me of him so much.  She's so quiet, almost thoughtful, if that's even possible for a baby.  Holly, though, is more like me, I think – feisty and temperamental.  She can change the colour of the walls when she's mad.  I am so proud of them both.

Kyle came by today.  I think he feels like he should be a male presence in their lives, and that if he doesn't hang around, Maria and Liz will teach them to hate the opposite sex.  If anyone had told me, at the beginning of sophomore year when we met the four humans who would have the biggest impacts on our lives, that Kyle and Alex would be friends, I would have laughed until I cried.  But I guess they bonded when they were trapped in that cave together.  So Kyle comes by and sings 'American Pie' to Alex's children, because Alex can't do it himself.

Anyway, Kyle and his dad stop by every day or two.  He and Jim simply dote on the girls, and Holly and Sarah love them just as much.  The girls actually coo when they see them coming.  The big news for today is that Jim finally asked Amy DeLuca to marry him, and she said yes!  Kyle told me that they're planning on officially adopting Tess, and they're going to sell both the Valenti and the DeLuca houses and buy a big one for all of them.

As weird as it seemed at first, before we got to know Jim and trusted him with our secret, Maria's really happy for Jim and her mom now.  Amy absolutely glows when she sees him, and she deserves to be with a man who loves her.  Besides, Maria is so happy right now that she wants everyone around her to be happy, too.  Amy and Jim are planning to get married quietly, in a little ceremony at St. Peter's next month.  They're beating Maria and Michael to the altar.

Michael finally proposed to Maria on Valentine's Day, and she said yes!  They're getting married in June, after they graduate high school.  Liz is going to be her maid of honour, and I'm a bridesmaid.  Max is going to be the best man, and Kyle's a groomsman.  I am so happy for them, but I know it's going to be a hard day for me.  I know how much Alex loved Maria, and I know that if he was still here, there is no way he would've missed her wedding.

Tess stopped by today, too, and she said she wanted to tell Amy the truth before the wedding, because she didn't want to lie to her mother.  I couldn't help it.  I laughed in her face.  How does she think I feel?  It doesn't matter, though, because Max shut her down.  The king ordered her to keep her mouth shut.  Too bad he didn't do that before she started spouting all of that 'destiny' crap.

*

April 29, 2002

Dear Diary:

It's now been a year since Alex died.  I brought Holly and Sarah to visit his grave today, and then we went to a memorial service for him.  The girls and I sat in the front row of the church, along with his parents, Liz and Maria.  I was holding Holly, and Maria had Sarah.  They really seemed like they knew what was going on, because they didn't cry or fuss at all.  Holly just rested her head over my heart, the same place where I used to put mine when Alex held me.  Joan was sobbing uncontrollably throughout it, until Maria passed Sarah to her.  My baby girl smiled at her grandmother the same way Alex used to, and grabbed her grandmother's finger tightly.  Afterwards, Joan told me she finally felt at peace for the first time in a year.

Mom and Dad agreed to let the girls sleep over tonight.  I need time by myself, to mourn and remember Alex in my own way.  After I dropped them off, I went back to Alex's grave.  I always feel closer to him there, even though I know that the real Alex – his spirit, his soul, his essence – isn't in the ground.  That's just his physical body; his spirit is still here with me and our daughters.  But that doesn't stop my visits.  I brought some candles and the letter I found in his room addressed to me when I went to pick out a few things that reminded me of him.  I still sleep with his pillow every night, although it barely smells like him anymore.  And I haven't been able to work up the courage to open the letter – until now.

I opened it tonight, because I was afraid that I was starting to forget.  To forget his voice, his touch, his laugh, his Alex-ness.  The way he could always make me smile, even when all I wanted to do was cry. The way he looked past my face and saw the real me.  The way he made me feel – free and safe and cherished and loved.  But when I read that letter, I knew why I loved him, and I knew I would never forget.  He had written it to me after the prom, the night we made love, just before he died, and he told me he loved me, and that he thought I loved him, too.  He said that I made him happier than he ever thought possible, and that he wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his life loving me.

He did.  And now I'll spend the rest of my life loving him.

*

May 7, 2002

Dear Diary:

My life has certainly changed in the past year.  It's been more than a year now since Alex died, and a year since I started this journal.  When he left, I really thought I had no future.  Now I see my future every time I see my babies.

Jim and Amy got married a few weeks ago.  The ceremony was beautiful, and Amy was radiant.   Tess told me, after the wedding, that Amy said she was glad to have another daughter.  I think Tess is finally feeling like she belongs.

Maria is starting to go nuts, between planning her wedding and graduation.  She wanted a traditional ceremony, which is kind of odd, considering how alternative she is, but it's going to be held in my parent's backyard.  Michael's so happy that he goes along with whatever Maria wants, but I think he's happy it's at my parent's place.  It really was the closest thing he had to a home.  Mom's acting like the mother of the groom, always fussing over him, and he loves it.

*

May 27, 2002

Dear Diary:

It's been a year now since I graduated, and today, I watched Liz, Maria, Michael, Max, Tess and Kyle go across the same stage and accept their diplomas.  Holly, Sarah and I sat with Mom and Dad, the Valenti's, the Parker's and the Whitman's in the bleachers.  I cried the entire time.  Somehow, Maria and Liz had convinced them to put a big picture of Alex on one side of the stage and call his name in his memory.

Liz was the valedictorian, and she gave an amazing speech.  She dedicated it to Alex.  I kept imagining what it would've been like if he was here today.

It's funny.  For some reason, everyone chose the same university, Santa Fe – the same one Max tried to get me to attend last year, before I found out I was pregnant.  Liz was accepted at Harvard, and I really thought she would go, but she told me that she couldn't do it.  She said she wasn't ready to leave yet, to lead her own life, so she deferred admission for a year.  She still loves Max.  She asked me to pack up the girls and come with them and live with her.  Her grandmother had a house in Santa Fe that she left to Liz when she died, and Liz is going to move in there.   Kyle is, too.  It's weird, but nice, how close we've gotten since the girls were born.  He's such a great guy.  I still haven't made a decision.  Even though I know it's irrational, I don't think I've accepted Alex's death yet.  It's like I'm still waiting for him to come back to me, even though I know, in my head, that he's dead, but in my heart, he's still so real. 

Michael and Maria are planning on moving into the basement apartment of Liz's house.  Max and Tess are moving into the dorm.  Tess wanted them to get their own apartment, but everyone knew it was a bad idea.  Then she suggested that she and Max should move into Liz's, but that would've been torture for Liz.  Max shut down that idea really quickly.  The only reason I even know is because Tess said it in front of Michael, who told Maria, who told me, and I told Liz, who laughed until she fell down.  I actually think Max and Tess' relationship is getting pretty rocky, not that it was ever that stable to begin with.  They're both miserable, and I really think the only thing keeping them together now is that they would rather be miserable together than miserable apart.  When Liz was debating over Harvard, though, I really think it hit him that he could lose her.  I know how he feels.

*

June 25, 2002

Dear Diary:

Today was the day that my best friend, Maria, married my brother Michael.  I've never seen two people so much in love, or as happy as they were today.  She looked radiant as she said her vows, and Michael actually cried.  I know somewhere up there, Alex is looking down at them and smiling.

*

July 6, 2002

Dear Diary:

I made a decision today.  I'm taking the girls and moving to Santa Fe with Liz and Kyle, at least for a year.  The University offers free childcare, and I've saved enough money in the past year that I think I can support them okay if I get a part-time job.  I'm planning on driving home every second weekend so the girls can see their grandparents.   I'll be entering school as a senior, because of all the classes I've taken in the last year and a half, so I'll have a degree in elementary education in another year.  I think I'll be very happy with teaching.

Actually, that's not true, and I've promised to stop lying to myself.  That's how I lost so much time with Alex.  What I really want to do is go out to L.A. and try to make it as an actress or model.  Maybe it's unrealistic, but acting seems like the perfect solution for me.  I've done it most of my life, pretending to be something I'm not.  I should be an expert by now.  And I'm actually thinner now than I was before I had the girls, so I keep wondering if I could do it.  But I'm too scared to go that far yet. 

In other news, Jim told me today that Amy's pregnant.  It's a boy, and they're thrilled.  It's due in January. 

Maria's happy for her mom, naturally, and Kyle's thrilled – he's always craved family.  But Maria can barely stop crying right now.  Max, Michael and Tess left Roswell yesterday to search for the remaining skins.  Maria said that Michael wanted to do it now so they could live the rest of their lives together without having to worry.  I hope that's true.

Max and Michael came to me before they left and asked me to come with them.  I think that was the first real conversation I had with my brother since the day I told him I was pregnant, but it didn't go well…

******************************************************************

July 5, 2002

Isabel opened the door to her apartment as Michael raised his hand to knock again.  Her eyes widened in shock when she saw her brother standing next to him awkwardly.  She held a sleeping baby in each arm and motioned for them to come in.

"Hi," she whispered.  "I just got them to sleep.  Let me put them down, and I'll be with you in a second."

Quickly, she walked into the nursery and laid them into their cribs, smoothing a hand over Holly's back to calm her as she whimpered at the loss of her mother's arms.  She relaxed, falling into a deeper slumber, and Isabel grabbed the baby monitor as she drew the door shut behind her.

"What's up?" she asked as she sat in the armchair across from their places on the couch.  Michael was studying a recent picture of Holly and Sarah in the park, and she could tell from the look on his face that he felt uncomfortable.  "Where's Maria?"

"She's at the apartment," he replied.

"We're leaving tomorrow." Max's voice was firm.

"What?"

"We've figured out where the last group of skins are.  We're going to take them out," Michael explained, when Max seemed unwilling to say anything further.

"Is Maria going with you?"  Isabel's confusion was evident.

"No, she's not.  It's too dangerous."  Max left no room for doubt.

Isabel looked sharply at Max before returning her concentration to Michael.  "Does she know?  Because Michael, you know she's not going to want you to leave without her.  You guys just got married!  Do you even know how long you'll be gone?"

"Maria understands," he answered, his voice catching a little.  Isabel knew how difficult it would be for him to leave his wife.  "And if everything goes well, we should be back in a week."

"Does Maria want to stay with me while you're gone?  It might help to keep her calmer-"

"She can't stay with you, Isabel, because you're coming with us." 

Isabel stared at her brother as if he had sprouted an extra head.  "Max, what the hell are you talking about?  I'm not going anywhere."

"Yes you are, Iz.  We need your help, so you're coming."

"Max, I have a life!  I told you before – I'm out."

"You're coming with us.  We need you, and it's an order." 

Isabel almost didn't recognize her brother's voice.  She had never heard him sound so cold before, not even when they had fought about her pregnancy.  Instantly, she felt her anger rise, her instincts telling her that going was not an option.  Slowly, she stood.  "I'm not going anywhere, except maybe to the park with my daughters."  Her voice was just as firm as Max's.  Two could play at this game.

"Iz, be reasonable," Michael urged, stepping between the siblings.  "We need your help.  It's something we have to do."

"What I have to do, Michael, is two loads of laundry.  I have to make supper.  I have to play with my daughters and give them a bath and feed them.  I have to go to work and study for school.  That's all I have to do."

"Isabel, you are coming with us.  That's the end of it," Max said, turning towards the door and motioning Michael to come with him.  "We'll pick you up at seven tomorrow morning."

"That's not the end of it, Max."  His head snapped around at the cold fury he heard radiating in her voice.  "You really don't get it, do you?" she hissed, walking towards him and Michael.  They were forced to back up until their knees hit the edge of the couch.  "You have no idea what my life is like, do you?  Well, sit down boys," she said as she shoved them down on the couch, "You're going to hear a story.  I think you're both familiar with your nieces, who are sleeping in the next room this moment, right?"

Max and Michael stared at her with a combination of awe and fear.  They had never seen Isabel quite like this before.  She seemed to expect some sort of response, so they nodded carefully, not wanting to enrage her further.

Isabel stalked across the room and grabbed her date book.  "Let's just take a little look at what I had planned for the week, before you came by to tell me that I needed to take a little 'vacation' from my daughters.  Well, would you look at that?  My date book's all filled up.  Guess I've got a lot of cancellations to make if I go play Wonder Woman with you two.  Let's see.  I have to go to work at the law office every day this week.  And I've got to work at the Crashdown Friday night and most of Saturday.  And I have to write a paper for my American History class that's due on Monday.  I'm volunteering at the soup kitchen on Thursday.  Tomorrow night, I've got a mommy and me group to attend.  I've got to get groceries Wednesday afternoon – better remember to pick up more diapers before I trot off after you, the girls aren't quite self-sufficient yet – and I can't forget the mountain of laundry piling up.  Did you guys know that babies need a lot of clean clothes?  No?  Well, they do.  I've also got to bring the girls to their grandparent's on Sunday.  You might have heard of the Whitman's.  The actually enjoy seeing me and their son's children at least once a week.  And sometime in between all of that, I have to find the time to take my children to the park to play and to bring flowers to their daddy's grave."  Isabel stopped pacing and stood in front of them.  "Who wants to guess how quick I'll be to hop in the jeep and run off to find the skins?"

"Look, Iz, Maria can help look after the girls, and you know Mom and Dad would love to have them."

She slapped her hand on the date book impatiently before tossing it across the room, making them both jump.  "Are you really that dense, Max?  I'm not going.  When you say 'jump,' I don't ask 'how high' anymore.  Never again.  I'm not going to abandon my children and chase after some evildoers.  They need their mommy more than you do.  They are my responsibility and I will not just leave them at Mom and Dad's whenever you tell me to.  Now get out."

"No.  Not until you understand you don't have any choice.  You're coming with us.  That's an order."

Isabel smiled bitterly.  "I meant it when I said I was finished last year.  Maybe if Alex was still here, I could've ignored my responsibilities.  But he's not here.  I'm all that Holly and Sarah have.  And I won't risk making my daughters orphans, Max.  I won't let them grow up to wonder who their mother is, like we did."

"Don't you feel any responsibility to our planet?"  Michael asked.

"Yes, I do.  But that's nothing compared to the responsibility I have to Alex, and to our kids.  Now get out."

*********************************************************************

July 14, 2002

Dear Diary:

Michael, Max and Tess got back today.  Maria was frantic while they were gone, and quite frankly, so was I.  I felt guilty for not going, but I didn't see any other choice.  I had to protect my babies, whatever the cost, even if it was my family. 

There's not a day that goes by that I don't wonder what will happen if the FBI comes after us again.  I keep a bag packed in my car just in case that happens, so I can grab the girls and run if it becomes necessary.  I won't let anyone endanger their lives, not even Max.  When I'm at work, and they're at daycare, I'm always worried about them, wondering if they're okay.  Wondering if they're safe.  I have nightmares that someday, someone's going to snatch them from my arms.  Alex would never forgive me if I let anything happen to our daughters, and I would never be able to forgive myself.

Maria stayed with me while Michael was gone.  She said she understood, and that Michael understood, too.  She said he told her about my little rant, and that he said he never really understood how much pressure I was under.  Maria said he already forgave me.  I'm glad; Holly and Sarah adore him, and it would be difficult for Maria if Michael and I were at war.

Kyle heard about our fight from Liz.  I called her after they left, crying hysterically.  She knows how scared I am that something will happen to me one of these days and the girls will be left to fend for themselves.  Kyle knows, too – he's certainly gotten enough late-night phone calls from me, seeking assurances that the girls will be safe – and he took it upon himself to drive the message home to Max.  Liz told me that Max came in to the Crashdown that night, and Kyle ordered him outside.  She said that if she hadn't pulled them apart, Kyle could've done some serious damage to my brother.

When I asked Kyle about it, he just said that Max wouldn't bother me again.

*

August 20, 2002

Dear Diary:

Holly spoke her first word today.  She pointed at Alex's picture and distinctly said "Dada."  It was a coincidence, but I had the video camera on her because I wanted to film them in our first home, before I started to pack.  I know they won't remember the apartment, but I wanted to be able to show it to them when they were older.  When I showed Joan the video of her granddaughter saying her son's name, I thought she was going to levitate, she was so happy.

Everyone was really confused, though.  They couldn't figure out how she knew that he was her daddy.  I know the answer.  She's only eight months old, but my beautiful, brilliant, talented daughter can dream-walk, just like I can.  She can't do it very well yet, and I doubt she even knows she's doing it, but I've been able to sense her in my dreams, usually the ones I have about her father.  It gives me such a sense of peace that she and Sarah can know him somehow.  I actually think she's going to be more powerful than Max, Michael, Tess and I are.  Maybe it's the combination of the alien-human DNA.  Or maybe it's because my daughters have a brilliant, wonderful father.  I like to think it's the latter.

I'm pretty sure that Sarah's a healer, like Max.  I've seen her get a scrape, but by the time I get to her, it's gone.  I'll have to watch them both closely in the next few months.

Alex, if he's watching over us, will be so proud of our babies.

*

August 21, 2002

Dear Diary:

Sarah isn't about to be outdone by her sister!  Liz, Maria and I took them to the park this afternoon.  Suddenly, she looked at me and held up her arms and said "Mama."  We got that one on video, too, this time courtesy of Maria.  My parents gave her and Michael a video camera as a wedding present, but she spends more time filming Holly and Sarah than anything else.  Maria would follow my girls around with the video camera twenty-four hours a day, if I let her.

I am so proud of my daughters.  When I look into their beautiful faces, I know they are the best parts of Alex and me, and I am so grateful to have them.

*********************************************************************

May 2026

Liz, Kyle, Maria, Michael, the girls and I moved into the house in Santa Fe shortly after the girls started talking.  I've got to admit that it was the right decision for me.  The girls and I flourished there, surrounded by the people we loved.  The girls grew rapidly, and soon they were walking all over the place.  I was terrified they would fall and hurt themselves somewhere, but with five people in the house that loved them, they were always with someone.  Kyle, especially, loved to spend time with them.  Liz's house was huge, big enough that the girls could have their own room, and we had a lot of fun painting the walls with rainbows and unicorns.  I wanted my daughters to know that dreams and fairytales can exist for them, even though most of my own dreams died with their father.  In the years since Alex, most of my dreams were for my daughters.

Although I don't think I'm cut out to be a teacher now, going to Santa Fe gave me the confidence I needed so desperately.  It also helped me to let go of Alex a little bit, although I didn't stop loving him any less.  I just began to breathe again.

I realize now that staying in Roswell back then would've been the wrong thing for my kids.  They deserved to grow up with a mother who wasn't permanently tied to a ghost.  I began to date again, mostly at Maria's and Liz's urging.  The men I dated that year were the first in the stream of meaningless men in my life.  To tell you the truth, I really didn't expect anything else in my life other than my daughters.  I was happy with them, and I didn't think I deserved anything more, because I had lived while Alex had died.  I know he would've been mad at me for saying that, but it's how I felt, and I won't apologize for that.

We celebrated Holly and Sarah's first birthday with our families in Roswell that Christmas.  It was certainly festive, that year, and it was probably the most eventful Christmas I've had in a long time.  It was a Christmas that made the 'Christmas Nazi' proud.  Amy went into labour on New Year's Eve, and David James Valenti was the first baby born in Roswell in 2003.  The Valenti's also got another addition to their family that Christmas – Tess' adoption became finalized.  Tess Harding, my former alien sister-in-law, became Tess Valenti.   I've never seen her as happy as she was that day in the years since.  She swore to me that day that she would never change her name again, even when she got married – and she never did.  She said she finally knew who she was and where she belonged.

Maria and Michael told us that they were two months pregnant with their first baby on New Year's Day.  They were sure it would be a boy, and on July 17, we found out they were right.  They named him Alexander Michael.  Maria said she wanted to name her son after the two most important men in her life.  Alex would've loved it.  They eventually had three other boys, as well: twins named Evan and Lucas, who are fifteen now, and the youngest, Jimmy, is twelve.   Jimmy actually dates my daughter, Krista.  Maria swears it's the real thing, but maybe it's just first love.  And little Alexander is all grown up now, and lives with my daughter Phoebe.  I expect to be hearing wedding bells from them one of these days.  Maybe it wasn't Michael's and my destiny to be together, but I firmly believe that our kids are meant to be.  Michael agrees.  He is so proud of those kids – he's come a long way since the days when he lived with Hank.

Max and Tess officially broke up a few days before Christmas that year.  We all knew it was coming, but it was a bit of a shock nonetheless.  It was like they were finally coming to accept that their destiny didn't have to be set in stone – something I think I began to realize the first time I kissed Alex.  It was a tremendous relief, really.  If they hadn't, I think Michael would've always wondered if he had made the right decision.  I was lucky – I had no doubts about that, at least.  I knew I belonged only with Alex.  Tess told me once, a few years later, that she was happy about the break up, and I believe her.  We've grown a lot closer, over the years, after she accepted that a destiny proscribed by our alien parents doesn't have to be the defining force in her life.  I was a bridesmaid again when she married a doctor from New Jersey named Scott the year she graduated university, but I must admit I was relieved that the groom wasn't my brother.  But Tess makes Scott happy, and he makes her glow.  They have three beautiful children now, Kelly, Naomi and Eric.  Although I guess I shouldn't call them children anymore – Kelly's sixteen and Eric and Naomi are fifteen.  They're still living in Roswell, and we see them a lot.  Kelly's so much like Tess was when we first met her all those years ago, with her blond ringlets and big blue eyes, that it brings a tear to my eye sometimes.  The twins look more like their father, although they both have Tess' eyes. 

What was surprising was the amount of time it took for Max and Liz to find each other again.  We all thought that they would get back together immediately – especially Max.  But Liz told me that she was finally learning how to be independent and that she was finding herself again – the Liz she lost when she fell in love with Max.  After she finished that first year at Santa Fe, she transferred to Harvard and studied science there.  She asked me to come with her, and I agreed immediately.  I found a job teaching second grade at a private school and we rented a little house not far from the Harvard campus. 

It was hard to be so far away that year, especially after Maria had little Alexander, but we flew back for all of the major holidays, and it gave me the confidence I needed so desperately.  The girls were so big by their second birthday that I could barely see my babies in the two toddlers that ran around the Christmas tree that year.  Their features grew more defined, that year, and it became obvious to everyone that Sarah was her father's daughter, while Max and my parents swore that Holly reminded them of me.  But all I can see when I look at them is Alex.

Liz and I lived together for another year, until Liz and Max finally got together again.  During that time, I was actually semi-happy.  I had a job I liked, I had a wonderful roommate that didn't let food grow on the dishes until we had to name them, and my daughters were happy and healthy.  I dated occasionally, usually at Liz's urging.  I really had no desire to be with a man, but between Liz, Maria and Kyle, they bullied me into it.  In all honesty, I preferred staying at home and kissing my daughters goodnight to going out on an awkward date with a man I had no desire to get to know and no intention of ever seeing again.  Dates became one of those things I had to endure to keep my family happy.

By that time, I considered my friends my extended family, people I loved and depended on, and who could love and depend on me…something the pre-Alex Isabel Evans would have never thought possible.  But I'm a better person because I loved him.  Each of my friends had an assigned night, and as soon as the girls were tucked into bed, Liz and I would spend the rest of the evening on the phone.  And at least once a month, someone would be arriving to crash on our couch and visit for a few days.  Most of the time – believe it or not - it was Kyle.  As odd as it might sound, he eventually became the sheriff of Roswell.  I guess enforcing the law is in the genes of the Valenti men.  Dave's already following in their footsteps – he's one of his big brother's deputies now.

It was during that time that I really saw Liz come alive.  She was like the pre-Max Liz, but older and wiser, and for her, that was a good thing.  She was genuinely happy.  My brother, as much as I love him, broke her heart one too many times, and she needed time to mend it.  She needed time to find the girl she use to be.  That's the big difference between Liz and me: she needed time apart from Max to realize she could love him and still be Liz.  I've had time apart from Alex – far too much time – and I can't remember how to be me without him loving me.

Liz dated a lot during that year, and there was a point where I was convinced that she and Max would never get back together.  She was actually getting really serious about a guy named Gary, and I thought that was it.  It nearly broke my heart.  I don't know why, but the idea of Max and Liz not being together represented something to me.  I'm not sure what, exactly, but it made me question if I could beat destiny after all.  I hadn't with Alex; destiny had stolen him from me, far too soon.  It made me wonder if Michael and Tess would suffer some kind of tragedy because of me.  Liz and Max seemed so very right for each other, and their separation made me wonder if I could continue to ignore my responsibility to my alien side.  But I was well aware that the balance between my children and my background was tenuous, at best.  Luckily, before I had to question it much deeper, Liz came home one night, crying.  I was in bed already, and she came into my room and crawled under the blankets with me and cried.  She told me she had realized that she was kidding herself.  Gary had asked her to move in with him, and she said that was what made her realize that she didn't love him.  She said she couldn't love anyone but Max.  I told her I knew exactly how she felt.  I still do.  I fed her ice cream and leftover pizza until she finally cried herself to sleep, and I tiptoed into the girl's room to give them one last kiss goodnight.  Then I spent the night holding Alex's pillow and wishing he was here with me.

The next morning, I called my brother and told him what Liz had said.  I was determined that they would get the chance that destiny stole from me.  It took him exactly two weeks to transfer and pack up his stuff.  I get the feeling that his life in Santa Fe was pretty lonely.  Maria and Michael were married and had a child.  Tess was almost living with Scott, who she said was the love of her life.  And Kyle was training to be a law enforcement officer, and whenever he had any free time, he was on a plane to visit Liz and me.  Max was, for the first time in his life, alone, and I don't think he liked it.  It gave him too much time to think.  He came to the realization that Liz had had a few years earlier, back when he was still trying to make a go of it with Tess – that Liz was his real destiny, and he would never be truly happy with anyone else.  After he broke up with Tess, I don't think he dated at all.  He told me once, years later, that he knew he couldn't live without the woman he loved and that he admired me for going on without Alex.  I don't think I could've if not for Holly and Sarah. 

When he arrived, Max told Liz that he had decided to come east to do his masters work in veterinary medicine, that he had finally found a way to use his powers to help without drawing unwanted attention to us.  Liz was working on her masters in molecular biology at the time, just like she'd always dreamed, and seeing them together transported me back to when they were biology lab partners at West Roswell High.  It was a bittersweet time, because it made me remember all of my 'firsts' with Alex as they had all of their firsts again.  Max got an apartment not far from us, and we all got to know each other again.  It's funny…although I forgave him a long time ago, in the years since Alex died we hadn't spent much time together.  I hated that – he was as much my home as Alex was my heart.  He barely knew his nieces.  Liz suggested to me that maybe I blamed him on some level for not being able to save Alex, although he was able to save her – the love of his life.  I thought about that for a long time, and I think I did, at least subconsciously.  That was the year I got the brother I knew and loved back, and Liz finally got her soul mate forever.  They decided to get married not long afterwards.  I think they both realized that they'd wasted enough time. 

When Max proposed nine months later, on August 1, 2005, Liz was so excited that she called Maria immediately, and of course, Maria hopped on the next plane, with Alexander in tow.  He had just turned one, and was beginning to talk.  Sarah and Holly treated him like he was a living doll.  They could barely pronounce his name themselves, but no one has ever shortened Alexander's name.  Alex is the name reserved for the most unselfish, sweet, loving man I've ever known.

We immediately began making the wedding plans.  Liz was pretty open-minded, but the one thing she stated from the beginning was that she would not get married in an Elvis chapel in Las Vegas.  That seemed kind of funny to me, and it still does – no one ever suggested that possibility, but Maria just told me to let it go.  Oh, well.  She decided that she wanted a small ceremony in the church she had attended as a little girl in Roswell. Liz wanted Holly and Sarah to be her flower girls, and I admit I cried as I watched my daughters toddle down the aisle ahead of Liz.  And she asked me to be her maid of honour. 

When she said that, I asked her if she was kidding.  After all, Maria was her best friend, right?  Maria gave me a funny look when I said that, and Liz said that her maid of honour should be the person who lived with her for three years, the sister she never had but would be getting when she married my brother.  Maria agreed, and said that we would take turns, and that she would be my maid of honour someday.  I laughed, and reminded them of the old saying, 'three times a bridesmaid, never a bride,' but I didn't really care.  The only man I wanted to marry was Alex.  Obviously, that day never came, and it will never come, but that didn't deter either Maria or Liz.  Less than a month later, I watched my brother marry one of my best friends.  I've never seen him happier, and I've never been happier for him.  For both of them.

It was around the same time that Max moved to Boston that I got involved in my first serious relationship since Alex died.  Bill Winthrop was the polar opposite of Alex Whitman in every way imaginable – he actually reminded me a little of Grant.  He was sophisticated and smooth and confident.  He was a lawyer I met at a party Liz and I attended with a friend in Boston, and he swept me off of my feet, not that I put up much of a fight.  I'm ashamed to admit it, but my involvement with him was partially because of Liz and Max's relationship.  Their wedding was another event Alex should've attended, and it made me miss him more than ever.  Everyone kept telling me to move on.  I wanted the pain to stop, and I made a bad decision.  Two months after the wedding, the girls and I moved in with him.

I wanted to be honest with him, so I told him I wouldn't marry him from the beginning, and why, and he said he accepted that.  Instead, he found another way to tie me to him.  Fear. 

At first, everything was great between us.  We were comfortable together, and it was much easier to be together than to go back into the dating scene again.  I know now that I should've.  I still loved Alex, and Bill knew it.  I've kept his picture in a little gold locket near my heart since he left me, and I still called out to Alex in my sleep, which was not a good idea when I was sharing another man's bed.  Bill said he didn't care, that he didn't love me, either.  He told me that every day.  But he was jealous of Alex, more than I knew, until it was too late.  He was jealous of a dead man, which seems too ironic for words, but actually, I can see now that he had a lot to be jealous of.  He wasn't half the man that Alex was. 

Bill got angrier and angrier as time went by.  He wanted me to be devoted to him, and, after a few months, he decided to punish me because I wasn't.  He started to hit me a little, but I stayed because Holly and Sarah seemed to adore him.  He wasn't their father, and he never could replace Alex in any of our hearts, but I believed that the girls needed a constant male influence in their lives.  What a joke!  I'm lucky my poor judgement didn't scar my daughters for life.  Bill never laid a hand on Holly or Sarah because he knew I really would leave him if he did.  They were only four, and they really didn't know what was going on.  I always sent them out of the room when he would get in a rage.  And, as a result, they just saw him as a nice man who bought them presents to make up for beating up their mother, while my fear and anger towards him grew every day.  I admit it: Isabel Evans was afraid, and not just of Bill's fists.  I was scared that I would never get a relationship right – even if it was with the wrong man - and that if I couldn't show my daughters what love was, they would be cursed, too.  And so I stayed, because Bill would act so sweet after he did it each time, saying he was sorry, that he wouldn't do it anymore, that he needed me.  I desperately needed to be needed by a man, so I foolishly stayed.

Then everything went to hell…

*********************************************************************

December 16, 2005

"Bill?  Are you home?" Isabel called, as she walked into the kitchen of the apartment she shared with him and dumped a few bags of groceries on the table.  She could hear her two four-year-old daughters running to their room.  "Holly, Sarah, please tidy your room!"

Isabel sighed as she put away her groceries, knowing that Bill was probably still at work.  She felt a little guilty, but she was actually thankful he wasn't there.  She couldn't admit it to anyone yet, but she knew that moving in with him fourteen months ago had been a huge mistake.

Wearily, she sank into one of the kitchen chairs and rubbed her sore arms as she listened to her daughters giggle.  She grimaced as she rolled up the sleeve of her blouse to see the bruises he had left there last night.  They had gotten into another fight about Alex.

Bill hated Alex, and he wanted her to remove the pictures of him from Holly and Sarah's room.  Isabel had refused, and he'd thrown her against the wall.  Then, he had picked her up by her arms and had shaken her until she saw spots.

Isabel had healed the bruises on her face with her powers that morning.  She knew she couldn't go to work like that, or someone would've asked questions, but she also couldn't erase all evidence of the beating, or else Bill would wonder what had happened.  She'd done that the first time he hit her, and he gave a repeat performance the next night because of it.  He said that he obviously hadn't hurt her enough.  After that, Isabel had just healed most of the visible damage, usually to her face and hands, and left the stuff she could hide with her clothes.

She thanked god every day that she had listened to a warning Alex had given her in a dream and hadn't told Bill her secret.  He still didn't know she was an alien, and the girls were under strict instructions never to tell anyone.  Especially Bill.

But now she was in trouble.  She had taken a pregnancy test that morning after Bill left, and it had confirmed her suspicions.  She was going to have his baby.

Isabel was shaken from her reverie when the phone rang.  "Hello?" she asked.

"Hi, Izzy, it's Liz!"

Isabel winced at the joyful sound of her sister-in-law's voice.  She was happy for Liz and Max, but in the fourteen months she had been living with Bill, she had learned to keep her distance.  Bill hated Max and Liz.  He said they asked too many questions, and ordered her to stay away from them.  "Hi, Liz, what's up?  How's Max?"

"Wonderful as always, missing you.  We never see you or the girls anymore!  How are they?  How's Bill?"

"Oh, we're all fine.  Everyone's really busy, though.  The girls are in a million activities.  Between bringing them to ballet lessons and soccer practice and preschool, working, and keeping this place running, I don't have time to breathe!  Bill's working on a really big case right now, too, so just trying to schedule dinner together is getting to be a hassle."

"Oh…that's too bad.  I was really hoping we could all have dinner together sometime this week."

"This week's really bad," Isabel lied smoothly.  "The girls have got a soccer game tomorrow afternoon, and the next day Bill's got a business dinner, and he asked me to go with him.  And Thursday and Friday are parent-teacher conferences, and I'm sure you remember what a pain they can be!"

"Yeah…I really had some news I wanted to tell you in person, Iz.  Could you meet me and Max for lunch, at least?"

Isabel could hear the hurt in her friend's voice and relented, knowing that Bill would hit the roof when he found out.  "For you guys, I'll make time, but is it okay if I bring the girls?  I've been trying to spend more time with them, but there aren't enough hours in the day anymore."

"That's great – we would love to see them.  How does Saturday sound?  We can pick you up at noon if you want, and go to that place the kids love.  Can Bill come?"

"Saturday sounds fine for me and the girls, but I'm pretty sure Bill won't be able to make it.   He'll be so sorry he missed it, but if we wait for a time when all of our schedules are free, the girls will be in high school.  Listen, Liz, I hate to do this, but I've got to go and get supper ready, or else Bill and the kids are going to be pretty grouchy.  I'll see you guys Saturday, and give Max a kiss for me, okay?"

"I will!  Talk to you soon!"

Isabel bit her lip as she put the receiver back in its cradle.  Bill would take a fit if he found out, so she just wouldn't tell him.  On Saturdays, he always had lunch at the club and played golf with his friends, so she knew he wouldn't be there when Liz and Max stopped by.  And even if he arrived home before him, she could always tell him that she had taken the girls to the park or something.  He knew better than to object to the time she spent with her daughters, and they knew better than to tell him what they did when they were alone with their mom.  Nodding firmly, she stood and began to throw together a quick dinner.

*

Liz looked at Max, worry etched into her beautiful features, as she hung up the phone.  "She said she'd come, but that Bill wouldn't be able to make it.  Max, she just doesn't sound right!"

"Don't worry," he whispered, hugging his wife to his chest protectively.  He didn't want to worry her, but he just knew that there was something terribly wrong with his sister.  "Iz can take care of herself.  She's probably just busy, like she says."

*

Isabel was caught up in a flurry of activities for the rest of the week, and had entirely forgotten about her lunch plans with her brother and sister-in-law.  Bill had won the case he was working on, and was so euphoric that he didn't even see any flaws in Isabel for a few days.  Those were the times Isabel lived for – when Bill was the happy, carefree man she had met.  He wasn't Alex, and he never would be, but sometimes she actually believed that he was an acceptable alternative.

Then the tentative peace she had been holding onto flew apart.  Isabel was late coming home Friday night, but when she unlocked the door to Bill's apartment, she knew there was something terribly wrong.  She could feel the waves of anger emanating off of him without ever seeing his face.  Briefly, she considered turning around and leaving, but where could she go with two small children?  She was convinced they needed the security Bill offered them, and that she deserved any punishment he gave her.  After all, she was using him as a replacement for Alex, and the guilt she lived with every day was proof enough for her that she should be grateful for anything he gave her.  But that didn't mean her daughters had to worry.

"Holly, Sarah, say hello to Bill and then go to your room and play until I come and get you, okay?  Promise mommy you'll stay put."

The girls nodded, their pigtails swinging, as they bounced over to greet Bill and into their rooms.  They knew that when mommy told them to stay put, she and Bill were going to have a fight, but mommy always said they would be fine as long as they stayed in their room.  And mommy never lied.

"Hello, Bill," she said softly as she watched the door to her daughter's bedroom swing closed.  She quickly crossed the room to kiss him.  "How was your day?"

He caught her wrist, squeezing it painfully as she leaned over to kiss him.  He didn't want that bitch's lips on his.  He smacked her across the face and flung her across the room.  He didn't even have to look to see where she landed.  He could hear the thud her body made when she slammed into the wall.  He laughed at the sight of her, crumpled on the floor and bleeding from a cut on her forehead.

"What- what's wrong, Bill?" she whimpered, trying to pull herself up into a sitting position.

"What's wrong?" he bellowed as he approached her menacingly.  "How dare you play dumb, you stupid bitch!"  He punctuated each word with a swift kick.  "I told you to stay away from your nosy brother!  But you can't even do that, can you?  And don't bother playing dumb, Isabel.  Liz called a little while ago to remind you about your date!"

Isabel could feel her insides burning, but she tried to curl into a ball, desperately knowing that if she didn't he would kill her baby.  "I'm sorry, Bill!  I didn't mean to do it…I was going to call them tonight and cancel!"

"Stop lying to me, Isabel!"  He grabbed her by her arms and shook her until dots appeared in front of her eyes.  She started to lose consciousness, so he dragged her over to the kitchen and stuck her head under a stream of cold water at the kitchen sink.  Then he smacked her across the face again.

Isabel could feel her nose break when he hit her the last time.  She was sure he had dislocated her shoulder and broken a few ribs, too.  She grew desperate.  She had to protect her baby!  "Bill!  Stop!  I'm pregnant!  You're going to hurt the baby!"

Rage filled his eyes and Isabel became sure that he really was going to kill her.  "You liar!  You cheating whore!  If you're pregnant, it's not mine, and even if it was, I wouldn't want my child to have you for a mother!"  He picked her up viciously and threw her across the room.

Isabel collided with the edge of the counter, but barely had times to draw her knees up over her stomach before Bill came at her again.  She could feel him hitting and punching her, and could see his lips moving as he yelled at her, but she couldn't hear or feel anything.  She felt like she was no longer in her own body.  She knew, with absolute certainty, that she was going to die.  She felt a momentary pang of regret that she wouldn't be there to watch her daughters grow up, but she knew that Max and Liz would take care of them.  The only thing she cared about anymore was escaping the pain.  Escaping the pain would mean that she could be with Alex. 

She was suddenly brought back to reality when Bill grabbed her throat and began choking her.  She smiled through her cut and bloodied lips.  "Goodbye, girls, I love you," she whispered hoarsely as her world went black.

*

Liz looked at Max worriedly.  They had been knocking on Isabel's door for the past ten minutes without any answer, and Liz could no longer shake the feeling that something was horribly wrong with her sister.  She had horrible dreams of Isabel last night, lying in a pool of blood.  Alex was standing over her, shouting at Liz that she had to save the woman he loved.  Liz had woken screaming and had dragged Max to Isabel's three hours earlier than they had planned to meet.

"Max, open the door.  Use your powers," she whispered urgently.  "Can't you feel it?  Something's wrong."

Before he could do anything, the door swung open.  Max looked down, and saw that Holly had opened the door.  He could feel gripping his shoulder as he crouched beside his niece.  "Holly, where's your mommy, Bill and Sarah?  You know you're not supposed to open the door by yourself.  What if Aunt Liz and I were strangers?"

Holly's bottom lipped quivered, and Max noticed how wrinkled her clothing was, almost as if she'd slept in them.  "I knew it was you, Uncle Max.  I could feel you and Auntie Liz."

"Holly, where's Mommy?" Liz asked.  She knew something was really wrong.  Isabel would never let either of the girls open the door.

"Mommy's sleeping…but Sarah and I can't wake her up."

Max picked Holly up and rushed inside.  He could hear his other niece calling softly for her mother in the kitchen, so he headed that way.  But he couldn't help but to skid to a stop when he saw his sister, huddled on the floor, surrounded by a pool of blood.  Sarah was kneeling beside her mother, crying.  He nearly began to panic until he saw the slight rise and fall of her chest.  She was still alive, but barely.

"Oh, god, Max," he could hear Liz whisper from behind him.

He turned, thrusting Holly into her arms.  "Liz, take Sarah and Holly and pack up all of their stuff.  I won't let any of them spend another night in this place.  I'm going to take care of Isabel."

He didn't even bother to look as Liz led the girls out of the room.  Quickly, he rushed to his sister's side and laid his hand on her forehead, intent on healing her.

Their connection was nearly instantaneous, as it always was.  Carefully, he assessed the damage and began healing her, repairing the most damaged areas first – the dislocated shoulder, the cracked ribs, the concussion, the internal bleeding, and the bruised kidneys – as a flood of images washed over him.

*Flash - Isabel as a little girl, doing cartwheels on the front lawn.

*Flash - Isabel seeing Alex for the first time.

*Flash – Isabel and Alex's first kiss.

*Flash – Isabel and Alex stargazing.

*Flash – Isabel and Alex at the prom.

*Flash – Alex's funeral.  Unbearable sadness.

*Flash – Intense joy as Isabel realizes she is pregnant.

*Flash – Isabel feeling at peace as she holds her daughters for the first time.

*Flash – The events of last night.

Their connection broke suddenly as Isabel sat up, gasping for breath.  Max gathered her in his arms comfortingly as she began to cry.

"Max…the baby.  I'm pregnant.  Make sure my baby's okay," she whispered.

He looked at her in shock before resting his hand on her abdomen.  A few seconds later, he broke the connection and grinned at her.  "Your baby's fine, Iz.  You protected it.  Just one this time, though."

Isabel smiled as he helped her up.  "It's a girl, isn't it," she said with certainty. 

"Yeah."

"She'll be Phoebe Maxine, after her uncle," Isabel promised.  "Thank-you.  Where are my girls?"

"They're with Liz in their room, packing.  We're taking you all home with us.  They're fine.  Isabel, we need to talk about what happened."

"You already know, don't you?" she asked with a sigh as she sank into a chair and leaned against the kitchen table.  Max sat across from her and nodded.  "It's never been this bad, Max, I swear.  And he's never, ever laid a hand on the girls.  They don't know what's going on."

"Why are you still here, Iz?  The sister I know would never put up with anyone hurting her, ever.  What happened to her?"

"She died, Max."  At his shocked look, she laughed.  "Not literally, just figuratively.  Part of me died when Alex did.  The only reason I'm still here is because of Holly and Sarah, and now for this little one."

"Isabel, aren't you happy?"

She smiled sadly and reached for his hand.  "Yes and no.  My daughters make me happier than I ever thought possible.  I love them more than anything.  And I love my family and my friends, and I'm happy for them.  But if you ask me, am I personally happy?  No.  And I don't know if I ever will be again."

"Alex would want you to be happy."

"I know.  I just realized too late that he is what makes me happy.  Not my job, not Bill.  Don't get me wrong, Max.  We both know I don't love Bill, but fundamentally, he's a good man.  He deserves someone better than me.  And I like teaching.  I'm just not passionate about it."

"So what are you passionate about, Iz?  You don't have to teach.  You can find something you like more.  There is absolutely nothing tying you to it."

Isabel stared at her brother.  He was right, there was no reason she couldn't change her life, but the question remained: did she really want to?  Did any of it even matter? As much as she loved him, she knew he could never understand how she felt, and she prayed he would never understand.  But maybe there was a way for him to get an idea.

"Max, let me ask you a question.  When Liz and I left Santa Fe and moved out here, when you knew she didn't want to be with you, when you thought you'd lost her forever, how did you feel?"

"Like I was half-dead," Max replied, looking at her quizzically.  "But what does that have anything to do with you switching careers and leaving that lowlife?"

"I do have a point, if you'll just bear with me.  When Alex died, so did my heart.  Except I knew that there was no way I could get it back, the way you got Liz back.  Then, after I found out I was going to have his baby, I knew there was a reason for me to live, that I would find him again someday, that he was waiting for me.  I'm willing to wait, to enjoy watching my girls grow up, but everything from that day on was for them, not for me.  My dreams are for them, now.  I've forgotten how to dream for myself."

******************************************************************

May 2026

Holly, Sarah and I moved out of Bill's place that afternoon.  He left me for dead and went on a drinking binge, but I can't say that I'm surprised.  Max was waiting for him when he finally stumbled home the next night, bearing papers that terminated his paternal rights to our child.  Max told me later that he was only too happy to sign them.  I didn't want him to have anything to do with Phoebe, at least while she was too young to protect herself.  I always made a point of telling her about her father – the good, the bad, and the ugly, just like I do with Sarah and Holly.  Phoebe actually met him a few years ago, when she turned eighteen.  She went with my blessing, even though the entire time she was gone, I worried that she would hate me for not letting her father into her life.  I didn't have to worry.  When she came home, she hugged me and said thank-you.

The girls and I stayed with Max and Liz for a few days.  Liz called Maria when she found out what I had been living through for the last few months, and a few hours later, Maria, Michael and Kyle were at Liz's door.  It was just what the doctor ordered.  Tess wasn't there, and neither was Alex, but being around my family made me feel safe again.

For those first few days, I was horribly depressed.  I had screwed up my life and I felt like such an absolute failure.  I was only twenty-three, and I had already buried one lover and let another nearly kill me before I left him.  I had a job I didn't really like, and I was already the mother of twin five-year-olds with a third baby on the way.  My life sounded like a rendition of some bad country song.  All I needed was for my dog to die and I'd have a hit single on my hands.

But my friends weren't about to let me mope.  They hugged me and yelled at me and consoled me until I got back up on my feet.  What can I say?  I'm a survivor.  I decided that I would go home to Roswell and stay with Kyle at his apartment until I had the baby, and then I would try my luck in Hollywood.

Liz's big news that she was planning on telling me that day was that she was pregnant with twins.  They had a little boy they named Philip for our dad, and a little girl they named Claudia for Liz's grandmother.  Liz asked me to let her name the baby Isabel, but I refused – there should only be one Isabel Evans, and I'm it.  Besides, I felt like their daughter would be cursed if she shared my name.  Dee, as they call her, is just as serious as her parents, and is now following in her mother's footsteps at Harvard.  Phil's a switch, though – he's a little bit like me, I think, and he wants to be a director.  A few years after the twins were born, Max and Liz had another boy they named Jeffrey.  He's 16 now, and he looks just like Max did, stick-out ears and all.  Odd as it may seem, he's madly in love with Kelly, Tess' daughter.  I guess our kids found the love with each other that had escaped their parents.

I think Liz and Max have been mostly happy in their marriage.  They've had troubles, sure, but they still love each other more than life itself, the same way they did back when it all began, when we were sixteen.  Sometimes, when I look at them, I see Liz smile at him the same way she did twenty-five years ago, and I'm transported back in time.  Back to when we could all sit around the Crashdown for hours, sipping Cherry Colas laced with Tabasco sauce.  Back to a time when Alex was still here with me.  While Michael and Maria still prefer to bicker than to gaze at each other with the longing you can see in Max and Liz's eyes, I truly think they're all happy.  Tess is, too – Scott gives her a sense of belonging that she says she always craved.  I wonder, sometimes, what would have happened if Alex had lived.  Would we be as blissfully happy as Liz and Max?  Would he alternately drive me crazy and kiss me passionately, like Michael and Maria?  Would he be my home, my security, like Scott is for Tess?   In my dreams, of course, the answer is yes.  But I'll never know for sure.  I can only dream, and wait for the day we're together again.  Thank god we'll be together again soon.

It's kind of funny how we all came back to the place where we began: Roswell.  I went home to have Phoebe, but I left again when she was just a month old.  Kyle drove me to the airport, kissed my cheek, and told me I would always have a home with him.  This time, I headed to L.A.  I really didn't know if I had a chance at making it as an actress – I was already too old by Hollywood standards – but I knew I would regret it if I didn't at least try.  When Phoebe was only five months old, I got the lead in a blockbuster movie, and my career took off.  It wasn't as fulfilling as being a mommy, but in a few years as Hollywood's IT girl, I made enough money to live five lifetimes, and between films, I had lots of time with my kids.  And they were happy, too, especially when we built a house in Roswell and finally moved home for good.  I didn't mind the commute, and by that point, Liz and Max had moved back home, too.  Our family was almost complete, except for Alex, but he has always been here, in my heart.

Max and Liz took over the Crashdown, where our kids hang out now, just as we did, so many years ago.  The older ones have even claimed our old booth, and hanging over it is a photo of the eight of us in happier times.  Max opened a veterinary office and Liz teaches science at West Roswell High.  I asked her once, a few years ago, if she regretted not following her dreams to be head of molecular biology at Harvard.  She said no immediately, that being at home, with her family, was all she ever really wanted.  She said she just didn't know it before.

It's strange – when I was younger, all I wanted was a family, a home, security.  After Alex died, all I wanted was him.  Then, all I wanted was my daughters.  But after my experiences with Bill, I found out I wanted more.  I wanted to be happy, but if I couldn't have that, then I at least wanted to make my mark on the world, and not just through my children.  I wanted to make movies, to let people escape from their day-to-day existence for a few hours.   God knows I've needed more than one escape over the years.

I won my third Oscar a little over eleven years ago, for a film I directed and starred in.  Around the same time, I had a brief affair with the leading man in that film, but this time, when I found out I was pregnant, I finally felt prepared.  When I had my other girls, I was to young to know who I was, let alone how to be a good mother.  With this baby, I was thirty-three years old, and I had grown up.  I knew who I was, and who I wanted to be.  I wasn't happy, or complete in any sense of the word – I haven't been since Alex's death – but I was wise enough to know that it would be a mistake to try and make a relationship work with my baby's father.  I think that's part of the reason I stayed with Bill, because I wanted Phoebe to know her father, something that was impossible for my other girls.  This time, I knew I could support this baby on my own and give her a good life.

That's how I got my daughter, Krista Amy.  She's nearly twelve now, and she reminds me far too much of her father.  She's a little wild, happy-go-lucky and totally carefree, just like her dad, but she's also incredibly delicate.  She was born two months premature, and she's never really caught up to the rest of the kids her age.  But she's got spirit, like her dad, that more than makes up for her size.  When I tell her that, she laughs, gives me a kiss, and tells me that she's like me, too.  Krista, my beautiful, laughing girl, never knew her father, and she never will, except on the big screen.  He was the wild, James Dean, rebel-without-a-cause type, and when our daughter was just six weeks old, he died in a motorcycle crash.  He never even got to hold her.

Actually, of all of my children, only one of them knows her father personally, not just from movies or memories or dreams.  My youngest child, Jamie Michelle, has her father's dark hair and my brown eyes.  She's the only child I ever made a conscious decision to conceive, and I'm so happy I did.  She is such a blessing to her father and me.  When she smiles, I see her grandfather, her namesake, grinning back at me.  She's so much like her father, and he absolutely worships his only child.  I can see their happiness in their eyes as they play in the backyard.  She's seven, and a little young, in my opinion, but Jamie's father insists on teaching her and Krista to play basketball, but Jamie's a little uncoordinated at sports.  Whenever I try to tell her father that, though, he laughs at me, picks me up, and swings me around.  He says she'll do just fine.  Jamie adores her father, just like I do, but I really hope she doesn't fall into the family occupation.  Maybe it's just my maternal instinct coming out, but I think it's too dangerous and far too ironic for her to go into law enforcement like the rest of the family.  It's funny…my sweet little Jamie has everything I wished my other girls had when they were growing up - a mother and a father – but she's the one I worry about the most.  I wish I had more time with her, my littlest baby.  She's going to do wonderful things, someday, like her sisters.  She'll find her own path, just as they did.  As weird as it sounds, coming from the woman who used to be the girl that wished she was dead, now I wish I had more time with all of them.

Tomorrow is my eldest daughter's wedding day.  My beautiful, darling Sarah is going to marry a young man named Peter.  She looks at him the same way I used to look at Alex, and he looks at her the much like Alex used to look at me.  I'm so happy for them.  They have so much more in common that Alex and I ever did, so I hope their relationship will last forever.  When I told Sarah that, she smiled at me, and all I could see was her father.  "You and Dad did last forever, Mom," she said.  "You just have to wait a while to be together again."  When did my baby get so wise?  Sarah's so like her father that way, so serious yet with the same quirky sense of humour that her father used to lighten our worries.  Peter knows our secret, and he vowed to me that he was going to protect my baby with his life.  He loves her the same way her father once loved me, and that's enough for me.

Holly is going to be her maid of honour, naturally.  We've increased security; we don't need people anxious for Holly's autograph crashing the ceremony.  You know, Holly actually named her band The Whits, in memory of her dad.  It always brings a tear to my cheek whenever I turn on MTV and see my little girl giving an interview or watch one of her music videos.  Phoebe will be Sarah's only other bridesmaid, but as far as the public knows, my movie-star daughter is still in Europe, on vacation with her boyfriend, the world-renowned artist, Alexander Guerin.  All of our family and friends will be there, of course.  And, I like to think, so will her father.   I like to believe he'll be watching over her.

My lover for the past decade is going to walk her down the aisle in the morning.  I know Alex would approve.  It seems appropriate for Kyle to do it.  He was her father's best friend, after all, and he is her godfather.

Yes, Kyle became my lover, shortly after Krista was born.  He came to me when Krista's father died and brought me home to Roswell for good.  He loves her – all of my daughters, actually – like he really was their father.  After Alex died, Kyle became my closest male friend, and that friendship, over the years, evolved into something much more.  Not love, exactly; that's a word reserved for what I feel for Alex.  But something comfortable, something that satisfies us both.  Someone once told me that in every relationship, someone always loves a little more than the other one, and that person is the happiest.  Kyle's that person in our relationship.  He's the only man since Alex to make me feel anything at all.  I like to think I've made him happy over the years.  I know our daughters do.

Tomorrow morning, my baby, my little Sarah, is going to marry the man she loves with her whole heart, the same way her father loved me.  I know she'll be happy, and that I don't have to worry for her anymore.  And I know Krista and Jamie will grow up here in Roswell, safe and protected, loved by all of their extended family, and especially by Kyle.  Holly is more like me, though, and I'll always worry for her.  She'll go from man to man, always searching for the one she truly loves.  Hopefully, she won't be exactly like me.  Maybe she'll be more like Phoebe, and recognize it early enough that she can grab onto it and never let it go. 

If I could do one thing over in my life, I would follow Sarah and Phoebe's example.  I would go back in time and grab onto Alex's hand and never let him go. That's the biggest regret of my life…that I didn't know how much I loved him soon enough, that we didn't have enough time here on this world.  But I don't worry about that much, not anymore.  Because tomorrow night, after Sarah and Peter leave on their honeymoon, after Holly leaves for her next concert tour, after Phoebe is snuggled in bed with Alexander, after I tuck Krista and Jamie into bed with a kiss and a hug, and after I tell Kyle, finally, how much he's meant to me over the years, it will be my time.  My job will finally be done, and I will be with the one man I have ever loved: my soul mate, Alexander Charles Whitman.  I'll go to sleep tomorrow night, and this time, when I see Alex in my dreams and he holds out his arms to me, I'll finally be able to stay there for eternity. 

That's why I've left all of this - this collection of stories, diaries, and reflections – for you, my beloved children, my family, and my friends.  I know that over the years, I've been something of an enigma, and I beg of you to forgive me for that.  Maybe this will help you to understand.  I lost part of myself on April 29, 2001, and while I have loved you all more than you can ever know, and I always will, Alex has my heart and my soul.  Alex came to me last night in a dream, and he told me it was finally time for me to come back to him.  I can feel his spirit near me now, waiting for me.  I have terminal cancer, and I don't want anyone to attempt to heal me.  No one knows, not even Max or Kyle or my girls.  I'm ready to die.  He'll be there to meet me, and I'm not scared.  I'm at peace, finally, for the first time in twenty-five years.  Please don't be sad.  I'm finally going to be happy again.  I'm going to be with him forever.  Don't cry for me.  I'll watch over you all, just like he did with me, and I'll see you all again someday.  I love you.

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Epilogue

December 24, 2026

Isabel Evans smiled and rested her head on Alex Whitman's chest as they watched the scene unfolding before them, unobserved by all.

Alex laughed as he watched his daughters cut their birthday cake as Jamie Valenti's little hand darted out to swipe some icing.  He pulled Isabel closer in his arms as he looked around at all of the happy faces, the faces of the people he loved.  He had hated leaving them all those years ago, but he was finally at peace.  He had Isabel again, and although the people around them missed both of them, they all knew they were together again…something they had waited a lifetime for.

"I know you hated leaving them, Izzy," he whispered in her ear as he saw a tear trickle down his cheek.  "But we can watch over them, just like I watched over you.  I love you, Izzy."

"I know.  I love you, too, Alex.  We should've been together forever."

He grinned as he kissed her with all of the tenderness and love he had stored up for more than twenty-five years.  "We are together forever, Izzy."