"Please, Beca, just talk to me!"
"Leave it alone, Chloe! I don't want to talk about it!"
This isn't a new argument. They've had it several times. It ends the same way...Chloe conceding, Beca remaining stubborn. But there's only so much one person can take. A relationship is a give and take. And if the giving is one sided, there's bound to be a break. Too much weight on one side is a heavy burden. When two worlds collide, there's bound to be friction. At times that can be exciting and useful, explosive and passionate. But below, in the subconscious, that friction simmers, only igniting at the brink of a break. Exploding in fire, each person burns the other with long-repressed confessions and accusations. Those days are hard to come back from. Some do, and some...don't.
"Beca, I'm begging you to give me something here. Baby, I love you, but I can't do this all by myself!" Chloe's voice shows signs of defeat, as exhaustion sets in.
"You knew what you were getting into, Chloe! Don't act like this is a surprise, the way that I am. I'm broken, okay?! I'm never going to be who you want me to be!"
Any distance between them is now closed as Chloe moves in on Beca, her hands cupping both the brunette's cheeks. Tears streaming down her own.
"I love who you are Beca, I've seen those little bits that no one else gets to see. And I feel so special that you've shared that with me. It makes me so happy...but...but I want to see those parts more. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you. But relationships are a two-way street, you can't just shut down when things get hard or something upsets you! You can't shut me out, I'm not a mind reader! I need you to open yourself up to me. You just have to trust that I won't just leave you in the dust, because I love you Beca! I love you so, so much!"
They're both crying now, cheeks streaked with tears. Beca's jaw is clenched so tight, her stubborness the only thing keeping her together right now. Chloe's hands drop from the brunette's face, as she waits for a response.
"I've been trying, Chloe," Beca chokes out, her voice thick with sorrow. "I don't know what else I can do, I-I-I just want to make you happy but maybe I'm just too broken...you deserve better than me."
"Please don't say that, Bec...I can't imagine my life without you but you and I both know we can't keep on like this! Something's gotta give. I just need you to show me I'm worth it, that we're worth it!"
"Worth what?"
"Giving up whatever it is you're scared of, whatever it is you think I can't handle, whatever it is that has you convinced you're damaged beyond repair!"
"You say all these things like they're so easy for me to change, but I've been this way my whole life...you need to stop pretending like I'm ever going to change!"
Sorrow racks Chloe's body, she's so tired, but if true love isn't worth giving all you got, fighting with every inch of your being, then what the hell are we here for? She looks at Beca, her heart breaking into a million pieces as she sees her love, her best friend, giving in to defeat.
"Do you love me Beca?"
"What? H-How could you even ask me that? Of couse I do! I've never loved somebody more in my whole life!"
"Can you do this for me, then? Just let go! Just let it all go."
She can see the pain on Beca's face, the confliction and confusion, the frustration and anger.
"Maybe I should stay at Jesse's for a bit."
That simple statment is like a punch to Chloe's gut. No matter how many times they've fought, they've resolved it somehow. They went to bed, together. Committed to another day.
Before Chloe can even protest, the door is clicking behind Beca, leaving the redhead in the company of her own sobbing.
-
Beca sits in front of a small gravestone, fresh flowers laid in front of it. A warm and inviting breeze blows around her. Her cheeks are wet, her eyes red and raw. The sun is shining all around her but she can't quite shake a cold shiver that runs through her body. Reminding her of the emptiness inside of her, and she only she has herself to blame.
"I wish you were here, mom. You'd make it all better. You always had a way of making it all better, of knowing exactly what to do. I really messed up and I, um, I'm not sure I can fix it this time. I love her so much mom and it kills me not to be able to be open the way she wants. But what if she hates who I really am, realizes she fell in love with a freak and a fraud? A broken person..."
"You're not a freak, Becaw."
The new presence startles her, but she soon calms down. Only one person calls her that.
"What are you doing here, Jesse?" she asks, not turning to face him. He sits down next to her before answering, his arm wrapping around her shoulders.
"Chloe called to make sure you made it to my place alright. Since we had no plans to hang out today and when there was no sign of you, I figured you'd be here. Hey, Mrs. M. Good to see you again."
The tears are unleashed again and her head falls onto Jesse's shoulders, and she lets it out. All of it. At least that's what it feels like.
"You're gonna be okay," he murmurs into her hair, kissing the top of her head.
"I don't think so, Jesse. She just wants so much from me and I don't think I can give it. I don't have it in me. She's just too good and I'm just too...me." She exhales a heavy breath, which turns into a choked sob. She's still fighting every emotion.
Jesse's quiet for a bit, just keeping a tight hold on his friend, allowing the physical contact to soothe her for the time being.
"I think Chloe's gonna leave me."
"I think you think too much."
"She's not gonna put up with my shit forever."
"Then stop giving her shit!"
"Jesse, I -"
"No, Beca," he interrupts, turning her by the shoulders to face him. "I love you. Chloe loves you. I've never seen someone love somebody else more than that girl loves you. Except maybe in how much you love her. And I know it's scary, I know! But you can't keep pushing her away, pushing her until that day she finally can't take anymore. And I don't think you really want to see that day. She's only human, Bec, her heart can only take so much. But I do know she'll stick with you until there's nothing left of her. And I don't think you want that. Right?"
"No...no of course not. God, Jesse, it kills me to see that look in her eye, that glimpse of hope that I'm this person I'm really not. That I'm not broken beyond repair."
"And who says you are? Beca, cut yourself some slack. You have so much good in you, so much to love. I know she'd say the same thing if she were standing right here," he says, his head nodding towards the gravestone. "And we all know mama Mitchell don't bullshit."
For the first time since the big blowout, a smile adorns Beca's face. "No...no she doesn't."
"Chloe will fight for you, but why make her? Just lay down your armour. Be the best Beca you can be and just let her in, completely. And I know it'll be hard and uncomfortable, but once you get last that I think you'll find it'll be the best thing you ever did. Just trust Chloe to catch you, because she will. And I will too."
After she composes herself since she started crying again, she leans her head back on his shoulder, and just breathes. In and out. In and out.
"Since when did you get so smart?" she teases, and feels his shoulders shake when he chuckles slightly.
"It's about time you noticed. I'm full of more than fun movie facts."
"Which you can still keep to yourself."
"Yes yes, dually noted." She doesn't need to loom up to see the smirk on his face.
"Thanks for coming, Jess. I'm glad you're here. I have no idea what I'm going to do, still. But...I'm thankful for you. I know I don't tell you enough, I just..."
"Hey...I love ya too buddy. I'm always here. What are lesbros for?"
"Please never say that word again. Especially when referring to our friendship."
Jesse chuckles, his laughter infecting Beca as well and she feels a little lighter already.
"Want me to take you home?"
Beca shakes her head, "no, I think I just want to be by myself for a little bit longer. Will you do me a favor and -"
"I'm on it," he answers, his mind on track with hers.
"Thanks."
Jesse places a soft kiss on the side of her head, giving her one last squeeze before walking away.
It's a good five minutes that Beca stands outside her own door before she goes in, not knowing what to expect. Will Chloe even be there? Will half the apartment already be empty, left with the ghost and echoes of the one she loves?
The first thing she notices when she walks in is darkness, well near darkness. There are flickers of light bouncing off the wall, mostly eminating from the living room straight ahead. Chloe stands in the middle, looking the same as shen Beca left several hours earlier. Neither speaks for a minute or two, neither moving from where they stand.
Beca is the first to break the silence, Chloe quickly cutting her off.
"Chloe, I-"
"Wait, I have something to say first." The redhead makes the first physical move, walking up to the younger woman and leading her to near she originally stood.
"Beca, let me start by saying I love you, I love you so much. And I know you have a million reasons why...why you're not good enough or...or why I'm going to eventually leave you, but I need you to let all of that out of your mind and just listen, okay?"
Beca manages a nod of her head, using the rest of her willpower to keep herself composed. Chloe smiles a small smile, one Beca loves seeing. The redhead pushes play on the stereo and takes both Beca's hands in her own.
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Beca can't help the tears flowing down her face when she hears the words sink in. She finally meets Chloe's, who's are also overflowing with tears.
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up.
Well, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)
They're bodies are flush against each other, arms wrapped tightly around one another. Somewhere in the midst of the song, they started swaying.
Chloe brings her lips to Beca's ear, softly singing the last bit of the song.
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Even as the song fades out and many moments after, they stay in that space, just holding each other. Eventually, Chloe pulls away slightly, clearing her throat before she speaks.
"No matter how much you push me away, I'm not going anywhere. You're it for me, Bec and -"
Her words are cut short when Beca's lips are suddenly on hers. She wants to pull back, finish her speech but the kiss is addicting and feels too good to stop. It's saying a million things that Beca probably can't right now. And she knows a kiss isn't a solution, but for right now it's what her body and soul craves. When Beca breaks away she's armed with apology after apology.
"I'm so sorry, Chloe, I'm so sorry. I know that doesn't begin to cover it but that's where I'm starting. And I'm hoping that's enough for now. I love you...I love you more than you could ever know, and I'm not giving up on us either. So I hope you meant what that song said. Because I can't imagine my life without you."
Chloe is silent for a beat, then leans in to leave a chaste kids on Beca's lips.
"Still looking up, Bec. Still looking up."