A nightmare. An endless swarm of scenarios after scenario playing on repeat through my head. Scenarios of Tris. Tris going to erudite. Waking up to an empty bed. Tris getting tortured. Tris ending up dead…
My sharp intake of breath is a knife in the silence as I bolt forward, out of sleep, out of Hell. But as my panting dies down, as my eyes adjust to the light, I realize I have sunk into another Hell. A cold, empty hole. A bodiless stain of horror resting on the other side of my bed.
Tris isn't there.
Irrationally, I try to convince myself she could have gotten up to get a drink or something, but I know exactly where she went, where she is.
And I hate myself for succumbing to her promise, her warmth, for falling asleep even though my mind was screaming. Because I knew all along she wouldn't stay. I knew she would try to protect all of us. I knew she would sacrifice herself. But I was so in denial, convinced she couldn't leave me after I told her I wouldn't be okay afterward.
I guess I was wrong.
My palms press to my forehead as I let myself panic. Tris is gone. Tris went to Erudite. Tris is probably dead by now…
That's not right. And even if it is, I won't let myself believe it, won't let the thought in. Something inside of me knows she is still alive. And she will stay that way. If she doesn't, we'll all be lost. I will be lost. Broken.
I need her to survive. For both of us. For all of us.
Forcing myself to my feet, I fill my head with only hopeful thoughts, beautiful memories. Memories of Tris's strength. Her blue flame eyes. Her gold-threaded hair. Her soft, gentle lips.
We've been apart longer than this before, and I've never missed her quite so deeply. I suppose that has something to do with the fact she went to her death, not planning on coming back. I need to feel her warmth soon, before I shatter.
Another thought: She has to escape Erudite. And the only way to get her out is for me to go in.
I need to talk to Evelyn.