THIS PASSING OF HAND
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Love Me
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A/N: Weird? Here's the 6x9 I promised you Crary. When I write 'BGM' I mean I was listening to these songs and/or the lyrics inspired this story. In this case it was the lyrics and various italicized portions are from the these songs.
BGM: BGM Ordinary World, The Wedding Album, Duran Duran
My Life, No Angel, Dido
Where I End And You Begin, Hail To The Thief, Radiohead
Do You Believe In Shame, Big Thing, Duran Duran
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'I love you' in any language kills the romance.
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Smirking. Confident.
Because he knows that with a passing of his hand, a generous smile, he can insure himself a place beside her.
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"Come on, Noin. Don't do that. If you let your hair grow-out again I won't be able to pretend that YOU'RE the boy." He grinned, tossing her a tube of soda.
She snorted and rolled her eyes. "You don't like boys, Zechs. Whatever happened to your fear of penis?"
"It went away when I realized that my fears were irrational as I am now certain that I inspire penis envy everywhere."
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"It's not even about my actual penis. I am the King. There will never be a man with a face as pretty as mine. Other men just have to come up with a reason to hate me so they fall on the old 'penis envy'. But it's all about skill. And that you and I know I have in spades."
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He carried with him an intensity of belief towards his ability. He was rare in the respect that he had no modesty. He knew he was the best. He could flaunt himself because of his belief in that. In nineteen years, there hadn't been a single man who had come to usurp him as number one.
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He was completely silent.
Except for small grunts, occasional murmurs and nearly inaudible moans. His hands...hands that carried within them an intensity of skill, finesse. Those hands wrapped around me, pushed me towards him, touched my heart to his. My flesh pressed onto his, sweat mingling, my breath sending ripples of gooseflesh across his chest.
Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say
Pride will tear us both apart
Well now pride's gone out the window
Across the rooftops, gone away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me?
Crazy some would say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
I settled on top of him, let his hold keep me near him, allowed his silence to carry the words that he refrained from using. We never proclaimed ourselves a couple. He had girls who came and went, they were fleeting and never lasting long because of his attitude, his bluntness and refusal to compliment for the sake of it.
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"They're fragile. Their bodies are fine, it's their brains that are weak. It's what's inside those pretty shells that fucks everything up for me. None of those stupid girls interest me in the slightest. They bore me. I rather listen to you fucking rant about bra sizes or the decline of communism than listen to a second of their 'love confessions'
- - -
"What'd you get?"
He snorted. "What do you think?" He held his test up to her face, the prominence of the large red 100 failing to surprise her.
"Another perfect score. How dull." She sneered, sticking out her tongue. "I only missed you by two points this time. I'm getting better."
"It's all me. My letting you be my best friend has increased your intelligence, your beauty, your ultimate appeal." He laughed, keeping his voice mockingly serious. "Love me, Noin." He paused before smiling again. "You owe me for making you the woman you are today."
"Sure, asshole." And she flipped him off, stuffing the test in her bag. But it tugged at her. "Shouldn't you be thanking me instead, anyway? For allowing you to walk within my ten foot diameter of personal space?" Her sneer returned intact, the sullen look in her eyes rearranging her features into starker, less approachable ones. "You owe me. If I wasn't around you'd probably still be a nerd poking away at his computer and cutting himself on his wooden training sword."
He caught up with her, throwing his own test on the ground. He grabbed her arm, sliding his hand down to thread his fingers through hers. She stopped trying to pull away and let him pull her into the curve of his arm. "Thank you, Noin." His lips crashed down on hers and he closed his eyes to do it. To let himself release tension, to allow his other hand to hold her in place. Eyes closed so that her eyes, the blue eyes that refused to flutter closed for him wouldn't scare him off. He couldn't stand to have her gaze settle on him. She kissed him back, but broke the kiss, staggered away from the embrace.
"People will see, Zechs. They'll kick us out."
What I chose to do
Is of no concern to you
And your friends
Where I lay my head
May not be my home
But I will last on my own
Cause it's me
And my life
It's my life
All the world to sit in the palm of my hand
Not that you see
And I'm tired and bored
Of waiting for you
And all those things you never do
Cause it's me
And my life
It's my life
It's my life
He sighed, eyes still closed until the warmth of her body faded from his skin. "They won't."
"Your egotistical confidence won't exempt us from the regulations."
"My money and my position will."
She shook her head, the expression on her face revealing disgust. "I know you can't help but be conceited, but forgive me if I can't believe, if I can't keep my future hanging from your reassurance and confidence." She sighed. "I'll be in the dorm." And she turned and left.
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To love so seriously. So earnestly to want and to view this want, this desire as a necessity. To need it too much and only be able to attain the smallest portion.
And only be able to grasp, to hold it because it was offered.
There is no gain. There isn't accomplishment or fulfillment in it.
"It's pointless. He's decided that my attending Lake Victoria England is the better option."
His look was incredulous as he tried to keep the desperation hidden. "The best?...England? You're leaving me here to compete, to live alone, to...You're my roommate!"
She turned in the chair, back to typing another 15,000 word essay. "You'll get another one." She laughed. "Come on, where's that narcissism you're usually so free with? You know everyone will be practically falling over themselves to fill the position."
"I'll transfer over as well."
Her fingers hesitated over the keys. "You'll only agitate him. Is this just another competition to you?" She shook her head, sighing. "Just admit that the only reason you want me to stay is because you want to keep me in second place."
He stared at her. Was she so oblivious? Or was he the one at fault?
There's a gap in between
There's a gap where we meet
Where I end and you begin
And I'm sorry for us
Where I end and you begin
I am up in the clouds
I am up in the clouds
And I can't and I can't come down
I can watch and can't take part
Where I end and where you start
Where you, you left me alone
You left me alone
X'll mark the place
Like the parting of the waves
Like a house falling in the sea
In the sea
I will eat you alive
There'll be no more lies
He had managed to sleep, back pressed against the wall, legs hanging off of the bed, sheets tangled around his limbs. He hadn't been able to say anything to her.
Nothing, really.
He was always the one who reached for her. Who climbed the short ladder of the military bunk beds, threw off the regulation grey blankets, woke her up in a kiss, pushed himself next to her until she awoke.
He was the one who lay passive beneath her, allowed her to peel his clothing off, who waited while she slipped her shirt over her head, while her hands roamed over his chest, while her lips fluttered against his skin.
And now it was her.
You love me?
She was already undressed, her fingers caught in the tangles of his hair, gently pressing her lips against his throat. His arms fastened around her and he felt her rebel, felt her beginning to wrestle away before relaxing against him.
He reversed their positions, his face hovering above hers. Why was she doing this?
Why are you leaving?
She was rough with him, quick, angry.
Her lips never once met his, although her nails left their marks on his arms and back. Left blood trailing, left him bruised and aching.
Noin, Noin, Noin...
She slept with him, her breathing pattern changing from heavy gasps into the weightlessness of unconsciousness.
One more week. That's all I have.
He still feels empty. Still can't get enough of her. Can't stop touching her, asking her to stay with him, acknowledging her power of him by following her. By submitting, arching to the feel of her consent towards his love.
She broke.
His confidence.
It splintered.
She left.
He was abandoned.
Do you believe in shame?
Do you believe in love?
And if they taste the same
Would you love again
Or abandon both?
I don't think I ever can
Believe my friend has gone
You keep saying it's all right
I'm going to bring you back
But I know I'm wrong
There's nothing I can say
There's nothing left to do
Just that lately I feel so damn lonely when I think of you
And it makes me selfish now
But I hold on to
The memory
Until all this feeling
Is washed away
Do you believe in love?
Do you believe in life?
'Cause I believe a little part of you inside of me will never die
'Cause I believe a little part of you inside of me will never die
Yes, I believe a little part of you inside of me will never die
'Cause I believe a little part of you inside of me will never die
"So this is it." She bit her lip, tugged nervously at the sleeves of the button-down winter coat.
Her single suitcase was already hidden somewhere beneath the airplane and now it was only this.
I don't understand this.
"Yeah. I've finally managed to get rid of you. Thank god. I think your presence what starting to cause a rash." It took everything for him to smile.
She smiled at his joke. "I'm sorry, Zechs." And she took the step forward, the upturn of her face for a kiss.
He hated her then, felt that cool intensity, his signature smirk faltered. But he consented as he always did for her. And he kissed her. He let her open his mouth with her tongue. Allowed her to invade him once again; to penetrate. And he was passive.
I loved you, Zechs.
With the briefest of embraces she was gone. Walking up the stairs, the passenger door closing. The plane beginning its ascent. His lips cold once again, his body shuddering.
She's gone away, he's left with nothing. He's stopped smiling to gain what he wants.
What about now?
He took his time to walk back to the dorm. Allowed himself to waste time, to slow his steps, to bite his tongue and refuse the questions being thrown at him from everyone else. He opened the door and he was fine with the silence. With the emptiness.
I'd rather you know that I did.
Her bunk was empty. The coverlet gone, waiting to be replaced along with his new roommate.
Then you don't.
He swallowed. Closed his eyes.
And climbed her ladder for the last time.
I'm sorry.
It's left him silent.
This loss of love.
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In case any of you are thinking "Whoa, what a sudden burst of GW fics!" That's not the case. Beginning with this fic the next four of five have been written for a long while, I just never posted them. But I'm trying to back stuff up in several places, so I've finally steeled my balls and posted these. Let me know what you think even though I'm still nervous as hell, to tell the truth.