(This is my attempt at parodying those weird harem fanfics starring Jaune Arc. Although, this idea was not originally mine as it was posited by Dark Knight Zero on the SpaceBattle forums; I volunteered to write it, as I thought it would be funny to write it.)
Cardin walked with a plan fully formed in his mind: the school's dance was coming soon, and he thought it would be the perfect opportunity pull the perfect prank.
He walked through the busy streets of Vale, entering the district which held the antique shops which were mixed up with other stores that seemed run down and sold useless junk.
After what seemed like hours of window shopping, something began to tug at his soul; it was as if one of the stores was beckoning him to enter.
With a grin, he made his way into the shop, the bell just above the door ringing softly, which signaled that a customer had entered. Cardin saw a young girl appear from behind the clerk's counter, who he assumed was the owner, a girl whose name tag read "Rachel Alucard".
"May I help you?" Rachel asked; her voice was soft, but tinged with an air of privilege and regality. Cardin took a moment to examine her features, noticing that she looked no older than probably fifteen and had long, blonde hair that split into two tails at the side of her head; her hair was kept together by two bows, which made it appear as if she had rabbit ears.
"Yeah, just looking for something for a "special someone", if you know what I mean," Cardin said as he looked around the shop to find anything that suited his plans.
"I'm afraid you would have to be more specific," Rachel replied.
"There is a dance coming up, and I would like to give a present to someone," Cardin responded, the little girl thought for a moment and, unbeknownst to Cardin, she stifled a rather devilish grin.
"Well, if it is courtship you are striving for, I believe I have the perfect gift." Rachel disappeared for just a moment, only reappearing a minute later with a small black box. Cardin leaned on the table, curious as to what was inside before she opened it, revealing a pair of glasses sitting atop red cushions that lined the interior of the box.
Cardin couldn't help but snicker as he examined the glasses, they were the cheesiest things he had ever seen, as the lenses were heart shaped.
"That's perfect; I'll take it," Cardin snapped and immediately reached for his wallet.
"Oh? That was quick; don't you want to know more?" Rachel asked coyly, her voice expressing false concern, which hid her real intentions. "The 'Spectacles of Eros' are not to be trifled with lightly, boy."
"Who are you calling 'boy'? Look, I don't have time for this," Cardin said, annoyed slightly that she would call him a boy, and completely ignoring what she just called the pair of glasses.
"My, how impatient; these spectacles require proper care when wearing, but nonetheless, they will be ten Lien," Rachel continued, and pushed the box closer to Cardin, offering it to him. With a grin, he quickly threw down the money on the desk, then grabbed the box and left without as much as a thank you.
"How rude!" Gii said, as he appeared from behind the counter; stuffed in the cupboard by Rachel before Cardin had shown up.
"What a boorish and ignorant brute!" Nago finished.
"It is that ignorance that will cost him," Rachel said, still keeping the devilish grin on her face. "It will us bring some mild entertainment."
From behind, a black portal opened, and Valkenhayn stepped through, gently turning his head to the right, and then to the left, and upon spotting Rachel, he quietly made his way to her; his almost aristocratic mannerisms and posture made his footsteps quiet, which almost seemed as if he was floating towards her.
"Madam Rachel, there you are." Although he was worried upon noticing her disappearance, he kept his voice quiet.
"Ah, Valkenhayn, is the tea ready?" Rachel asked.
"Yes, Madam, I let it cool down to your preferred temperature; precisely," Valkenhayn responded, but took a moment to look around at his surroundings. He didn't recognize the area, as the buildings seemed to have different architecture than in Kagutsuchi.
"Another one of these potential worlds?" He asked.
"Yes, a rather dreary one," she replied nonchalantly, before turning to him.
"Did you really give away the Spectacles this time?" Valkenhayn asked.
"Goodness no, Valkenhayn; I sold them," she replied, stepping through a portal that appeared in front of her and leaving the Lien on the table.
Jaune was counting out the amount of Lien that he had left, all the while hoping that he had enough to buy the flowers that he was going to present to Weiss; ultimately, he prayed it would flatter her and would allow him to successfully ask her out to the dance.
Ringing from his Scroll then interrupted his counting, and for a moment, he forgot how much he had and began to turn back and forth quickly between the Lien and his Scroll. Finally, he reached for the Scroll, and pressed the button to accept the call.
"Hello?" he asked.
"Hey, Jaune," said a familiar, cheery, and rather deep voice on the other side.
"Hey dad!" Jaune said excitedly, since it had been a while since he last talked to his dad.
"I'm just checking up on you; how are you?" Jaune's father asked.
"I'm doing alright, going through school, and about to ask a girl out to the Academy's dance," Jaune responded.
"Great! Remember: girls like it when a man takes initiative. Grab life by the horns!" His father exclaimed, and for a moment, Jaune could hear his family cheer on the other side.
"Thanks dad, thanks, all you guys," Jaune said, blushing slightly.
"Now, I can't talk long. The family and I are getting ready to visit Glace."
Jaune's felt a chill run up his spine upon hearing that name: Glace, his secret sister, who had been sent to an asylum due to her unhealthy obsession with him.
"Oh, I see…" he managed to stammer.
"It's okay Jaune, you're safe," his father joked. "Anyways, we have to go now. Get the prettiest one of the bunch!"
Jaune heard a click, which signaled the end of the call; yes, he was safe, but for how long? He shuddered, as the thought of what would happen if Glace did get out invaded his mind, but it was extremely unlikely that it would ever happen.
A knock on his dorm room door brought him back to reality, and he stood up to answer it. Just as the door opened, he peeked outside to see the balloons hovering in front of him, tethered to a tiny basket. He bent down to get a closer look and noticed a small note beside a block box which resided inside the basket that read: "From your secret admirer", in rather elegant hand writing.
He looked back at the basket, and picked it up before returning to his room, and as he sat down on his bed, he began to think. Who could possibly be this 'secret admirer'? His heart began to pump at the prospect that maybe it was Weiss, and he gleefully picked up the box and opened it slowly.
He was stunned to see a rather cheesy looking pair of glasses sitting peacefully inside the box. At first, he wondered if this was a joke, but then noticed another note that was taped to the inner lid of the box which read: "Put this on, and walk around the school for me," and ended with a little heart.
He slowly removed the glasses from the box, and sighed as he looked at them. Again, he wondered: what if it was really Weiss who sent this to him? Although he was sure that she had enough of fashion sense to not get this, he couldn't stop wondering, what if it was her? Or what if it was a prank? If it was, it was at least clever enough to make him wonder, and hope that it was really Weiss.
He held the glasses in his hands tightly as he closed his eyes, summoning as much will power as he could before deciding he would do as the note said; convinced that it was indeed Weiss, he would show up in front of her with them on, but also with flowers in hand, which then reminded him: he really needed to get back to counting his money to make sure he could afford the bouquet.
A couple of hours later, with the flowers in hand, Jaune exited his dorm room with the glasses on his face, and noticed how surprisingly comfortable they were; it was almost as if he was wearing nothing at all. He took a deep breath, and was just about to make his way down the halls, until something stopped him.
"Jaune?" He heard from behind, and turned to see Pyrrha standing before him, with her hand covering her mouth as she tried to stifle a laugh. "Jaune, what… what are you wearing?"
Jaune slouched his shoulders and sighed as Pyrrha tried her best to hide her snickering.
"Hey, I know that it looks dumb," he said softly.
"I am so sorry, Jaune," she replied, and took a moment to collect herself. "Why are you wearing those?"
"It was from a secret admirer; I am wearing it for her," Jaune responded, not noticing that Pyrrha flinched upon hearing it, and turned away as she began to rub her arm as she felt a pang of rejection; Jaune however, didn't notice.
"Oh, lucky girl," she said, then turned back to Jaune and smiled as if nothing had happened.
"Yeah; in return I am going to meet with her and give her these," Jaune said, the embarrassment having left him now, and he raised the bouquet for Pyrrha to see. She leaned in to smell them, and lets out a moan to show her approval of the smell.
"I am sure she would enjoy that," Pyrrha responded, then froze as she realized as to how they were talking. Who was this 'she'? "Jaune, do you know who this secret admirer is?"
"Kinda," Jaune responded, and his smile only grew as he leaned to whisper. "I'm hoping it might be Weiss."
Pyrrha quirked a brow and leaned away from Jaune to get a better look at the glasses. They were the cheesiest things she had ever seen, not something that someone like Weiss would ever buy, but she understood why he would think it was her nonetheless.
"Jaune Arc!" they both heard, and they turned to see Weiss Schnee stalking down the hallway toward them; Jaune quickly hid the flowers behind his back before she stopped in front of Jaune and crossed her arms as she glared at him. "I thought I'd find you here."
"Well yeah, I am a student at Beacon; where else would I be?" Jaune said nervously, but then remembered the gift he had received, and was about to ask about it.
"That is beside the point," Weiss responded, and lifted a finger to stop Jaune from speaking further. "You know, you haven't serenaded me in a while."
"Oh, well, I realized I am not the best singer –" Jaune started to reply, but Weiss continued on.
"You didn't even bring me flowers," she exclaimed and Jaune quickly pulled the flowers that he hid behind his back.
"He-here!" He said happily, forgetting about the glasses that was given to him, but Weiss stomped and turned away with a huff.
"Well you can't present them to me now! It's supposed to be spontaneous!" Weiss said. "I can't believe I am in love with someone as clueless as you."
"L-love?" Jaune exclaimed, and even Pyrrha was surprised to hear this, especially from Weiss.
"That's too bad." Another voice came almost out of nowhere, and the flowers were snatched from Jaune's hand. Now standing before him was Yang Xiao Long, and she was now hugging the bouquet of flowers tightly in her arms. "If she won't appreciate the gesture, then I will, babe."
"Wait, what?" Jaune asked. "Babe?"
"Wow, this is unexpected," Pyrrha said to herself, her eyes widened in surprise.
"Yeah. Babe," Yang replied with a wink, as she stepped to Jaune's side and locked her arm around his, the force of which almost caused his arm to break due to her strength. "If she doesn't love you enough to accept the gift, then she shouldn't go to the dance with you."
"Uhh." Was all Jaune was able to get out, now confused as to what was going on.
"Oh that is ridiculous," Weiss replied. "Nobody loves Jaune as much as I do, and if you ask me, he needs someone who's collected and more refined; not to mention rich."
"It's a good thing I am not asking you then," Yang replied, and glared at Weiss. "What he really needs is a girl who is willing to fight for him, and willing to take a 'pounding'."
"Yeah?" Weiss said and Pyrrha noticed her hand reaching for Myrtenaster. "You better be ready to fight, then."
"You're both wrong!" everyone heard now, and Jaune began to feel slightly worried, as he didn't know how to deal with the situation as it was spiraling out of control.
"He needs a woman who can be calm, yet bring spice to his life," Blake Belladonna announced, as she grabbed his arm and leaned in toward Jaune's ear.
"Jaune, I have a couple of rather naughty books back in my dorm," she whispered, and Jaune swallowed as he stood up straight and froze in place. "Maybe I can sit on your lap and we can read them together?"
"You are one freaky little kitten, aren't you Blake?" Yang commented as she made a jab at her cat-like Faunus nature.
"Back off, you vixens," Weiss exclaimed, as she stood to Jaune's left and grabbed his arm; now he was being pulled in opposite directions, until Yang stepped in front of him and placed a hand over the cuff of his breastplate. "He's mine."
"Since when?" Both Yang and Blake asked in unison, and the trio began to exchange rather menacing glares at one another.
"Pyrrha, help!" Jaune pleaded as he turned to her, but only saw that she was rather dumbfounded by what was going on.
"Jaune, I – I really don't know how!" she replied.
"Where is he?! Where is Jaune?!" A rather loud but whimsical voice echoed through the hallways, until suddenly a flash of pink emerged around the corner and Jaune was knocked to the ground. "Whee!"
When Jaune opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was a pink heart that resided over the chest of his teammate, Nora Valkyrie. She leaned in and pecked him on the cheek, before sitting up and straddling him as he lay on the floor. "Hey, honey!"
"You too, Nora?" Pyrrha asked.
Jaune suddenly became more and more frightened, as behind Nora, the girls of Team RWBY began to burn with rage after Nora had kissed him, and Yang pulled her up by the collar of her shirt.
"Honey?" The three girls said together, and stood dauntingly over her.
"Yep, we are together!" Nora answered cheerfully. "I'm queen of the castle, and he's my king!"
"Since when?" And as the girls began to argue amongst themselves, almost to the point of drawing their weapons. Lie Ren, the final member of Team JNPR, finally caught up to Nora and began to gulp in large quantities of air as he tried to catch his breath.
"Ren, what is going on?" Pyrrha asked.
"I don't know," Ren replied through haggard breaths. "She just started yelling about how she needed to find King Jaune, and she just bolted here."
"That doesn't seem strange, considering its Nora," Ruby pointed out, appearing behind Ren, having followed him.
"Ruby!" Jaune yelled and ran to her protection as he hid behind her and peeked over her shoulder. "Ruby, you have to help me!"
"With what?" Ruby asked. "And what are you wearing?"
"That doesn't matter!" Jaune exclaimed, as all the girls stopped arguing and turned to Jaune, but then their attention turned to Ruby. "They all love me suddenly, and it's creeping me out!"
"Wait, even Yang?" Ruby asked, confused as to why her sister would like Jaune, not that he wasn't a good guy but…
"Ruby!" Yang yelled and she, along with Nora, Blake, and Weiss approached her and stopped in front of her.
"Jaune, what is your relationship with her?" Weiss yelled, and all of their eyes were on a very confused Ruby.
"I don't know! She's just a friend!" Jaune answered.
"Yeah," Ruby answered and looked up to her sister.
"Ok good, cuz I'm not afraid to throw down with my sis for Jaune's love," Yang said, as she pulled Jaune back and bear-hugged him tightly, squeezing the air out of him while Ruby watched in shock.
"Pyrrha, what's happening?" Ruby asked.
"Ruby, for once, your guess is as good as mine," Pyrrha answered, as she, Ruby, and Ren all stood shoulder to shoulder and watched the girls bicker.
"You don't really love him!" Blake yelled.
"I totally do!" Yang answered defensively.
"You love your hair more than any person!" Weiss added, as she and Blake began to gang up her, while Nora quietly pulled out Magnhild with a twisted grin.
"I will totally cut off my hair for Jaune!" Yang said, as she stomped on the floor.
"Woah," said Ruby, Ren, and Pyrrha together, then suddenly Blake pulled out Gambol Shroud, her sword, and handed it to Yang.
"Okay, then. Cut it," Blake said, nonchalantly, as she crossed her arms patiently, with Weiss joining her.
"I totally will!" Yang said, and brought the sword up to her hair, although her hand was shaking.
"Woah!" Ruby, Ren, and Pyrrha said loudly.
"Children!" they all heard, and turned to see Glynda Goodwitch, Professor of Beacon Academy, stalk towards them down the hall. "That is enough; all of you, return to your dorms!"
With a sigh of relief, Yang returned Blake's sword, but also slumped her shoulders in defeat along with the other girls, as they began to walk past Glynda.
"But you, Mr. Arc," Glynda said, as she began to slap her riding crop against the palm of her hand with a grin on her face. "You are coming with me."
Jaune gulped and stood frozen in place.
"Not so fast," said Cinder Fall, as she approached behind the onlookers, and her hands creeped over Jaune's shoulders, making him shudder. "Jaune is a bad boy, and he needs a bad girl."
Cinder narrowed her eyes over at Glynda, who seemed to turn red with either embarrassment or fury, to which Cinder then responded with a wink.
"Oh, so that's how it is?" Another voice popped up, as Emerald Sustrai also came into the group, and the other girls who were leaving returned and they all grouped around Jaune.
"Traitor," Cinder snarled as she pulled Jaune closer to her, and Emerald responded simply with a shrug.
"Nothing will stand between me and Jaune; not even you," Emerald replied, and unbeknownst to Jaune, his Scroll began to ring, but he was too busy almost being torn apart by the throng of women fighting for his affection.
Once the ringing had ended, a message popped up on his phone, reading: "Jaune! Run!"
"That is enough!" A manly voice was heard, and Jaune sighed with relief, as he hoped that this madness would finally end and he turned, only to see Cardin Winchester as he stood with his hands curled into fists.
"Cardin?" Jaune asked.
"Jaune, I have a confession to make," Cardin said, and looked down to the floor; all the while, Ren and Pyrrha were enjoying the popcorn that Ruby had brought in from the dining hall. "It was me who gave you the basket, saying it was from a secret admirer."
"Wait, so it wasn't Weiss?" Jaune asked, and turned to Weiss, who looked at him with an equally perplexed expression. "But the handwriting on the notes were so feminine!"
"Yeah, it was my handwriting," Cardin replied, and pulled out another note card and wrote down the same message right in front of Jaune; letter for letter, it matched perfectly, even down to the little heart at the end. "It actually started out as a prank."
"Why am I not surprised?" Pyrrha muttered, but there was no anger in her voice, as she was mostly paying attention to the drama that was unfolding.
"Jaune," Cardin said again, this time his voice was calmer, even softer than it was before. "The reason why I tell you this now I realize I can't hide my feelings for you any longer..."
Jaune's expression changed to that of horror as he realized what was going on, while Ruby, Ren, and Pyrrha held their breaths and huddled against each other.
"Jaune, I love you," Cardin admitted.
"WHAT?" Everyone in the hallway yelled out, except for the three onlookers, who all gasped in surprise and went for more popcorn.
"Cardin, I'm sorry, but I don't swing that way," Jaune answered.
"It's alright, Jaune; love transcends all boundaries," Cardin replied and he joined the throng of girls, but at that moment, one of the windows shattered as someone jumped through it; a girl, who was on one knee, rose to her feet with two kitchen knives in hand. She was blonde, but had a rather pale skin tone.
"Brother!" she screamed. "I found you!"
"Glace?" Jaune yelled, and whatever fear he felt before seemed insignificant compared to what he was feeling now.
"It's been too long, brother!" Glace said, and began to walk towards her brother with arms open to receive him, but froze upon noticing the group of women who had already surrounded him, and were glaring back at her. "Who are these tramps?"
"Tramps?" The women asked in disbelief.
"For your information, I am Jaune's girlfriend," Blake cried out and pulled him one direction.
"No! He is my king!" Nora replied, and pulled him in another direction, as everyone began to bicker and fight, while a sad grin grew on Glace's face.
"I see," she said, her voice a mixture of laughter and of a grim nature, which stopped the arguing for just a moment as they watched while Glace then licked the blade of one of the kitchen knives. "If I can't have my brother; no one will!"
She rushed forward, her blade aimed for his throat when suddenly, Cardin jumped in front and blocked it with his mace. "No! No one will hurt Jaune! I will defend him with my life!"
Glace then grinned, as she used her Semblance to shoot shards of ice at her new opponent, who blocked them and charged with a war-cry.
While the battle raged between the two, the onlookers: Ren, Ruby, and Pyrrha all took note of Jaune's crazy sister and continued to watch the congregation of women fight and pull at him, while his screams echoed throughout the hallways of Beacon Academy.
"Ahhh-hahahaaaaaahhh!"
Meanwhile, in another world, a moderately entertained Rachel sat while she watched the scene unfold in an image over her tea.
"Would you like me to refill your cup, Madam?" Valkenhayn asked.
"Yes, please, Valkenhayn," Rachel answered sweetly, as a grin spread across her face as she knew that she was to blame for the chaos that was ensuing; and in the forgotten depths of her family's estate, in the deepest treasury, was a note which held a disclaimer:
The Spectacles of Eros: Sure to make any man or woman fall in love with you!* **
*Results may vary
**We are not responsible for your death.
(To those who are unaware of the BlazBlue series, the Spectacles of Eros is part of a joke ending of the game where Rachel presents them to the main protagonist to mess with him. The spectacles makes everyone of the opposite gender fall in love with the wearer, even those who hate the wearer, but does not affect those who already love the wearer. Which means, yes, in this fic Ruby is in love with Jaune, but I made it that way as I did not know how to make Ruby act if she were affected by the spectacles, so this was my attempt to play it safe. There are exceptions to the rule when it comes to genders who are affected, as the protagonist's brother was affected but it was debated if it was because of his psychotic nature. So to mirror that, I had Cardin fall in love with Jaune as a joke, while having his psychotic sister come for him as well. The concept of Glace is made by Dark Knight Zero, and the name was by LordZedTheDrunk. To anyone who may complain about breaking character, the spectacles exert its power in such a way, that it can force people to break their established characters.)