At first... I justified it.
The first time I thought about you in so long was while sitting beside a former SOLDIER - someone with eyes so much like yours. His name was Cloud and were sitting together in that broken-down play-park. When I asked about his past I almost wound up speaking your name. Still too soon. I invoked you all the same, described your rank, mentioned what I used to believe about you. He did not leap to an assumption as others might - and yet his silence gave me time to think about you. More than I had in some time. Too painful to keep dredging up our past like that.
I was so glad when Tifa rolled past on that cart; a distraction, something to take my mind off my thoughts. Something to distract Cloud from picking at the wound you left behind when you vanished. Things moved fast after that. I forgot about you. My life became about something other than you - no longer about you leaving me behind, no longer about you abandoning me. No longer about all the promises you broke when the world thought you dead. My life was solely mine again and I chose to live in a new moment. A moment with Cloud and Tifa. With Barret. Even the briefest time with Avalanche; those three souls lost at the pillar. Poor Wedge breathing his last even as I darted away to get Marlene out of the sector. It was the new life and me widening the distance between you as my past and whatever my future might be.
But you never went far away. Even mercifully forgetting you for a time - for more than two years - was not enough; you ensured I could not quite forget about you. You became inescapable so swiftly. I went from missing you terribly and not knowing, to finding temporary others and living. And when Cloud fell into my lap it was from finding new friends to being unable to escape your actions all over again.
Did you know I was there in that cell? The one beside Cloud and Tifa's? If so did you pause outside and consider unlocking the door? Shaking me awake? Letting me know you were still alive? That maybe we could get back to how we were? Or did the thought even cross your mind that maybe I had moved on? Or that I hadn't and still missed you terribly? Did that form part of why you left me alone?
Maybe I kept telling myself I moved on but never quite could. Maybe you could have stopped everything in that one moment. Maybe I got over you exactly when I thought you did - when I had mourned enough for your passing, even if I never felt you like some of the others. Maybe you knew enough to want me dead. Would you have removed me from the equation back then? Before I, before the Planet, before any of us had the faintest idea of what you were doing? Leaving Cloud to lead a pursuit that could never succeed - not if I lay dead in a cell. Oh, he could chase you all around the world, but he would never be able to stop you. Not like I can. No matter; it wasn't my cell you opened.
Dead bodies. Not the first I'd seen. Slum life does that to you - a good week was one in which I never saw a corpse. Blood caked walls, the building seemingly bereft of life aside from my little group. My new friends. We followed your path. For me? Or someone else? For all of us perhaps? What brought you back into my life with such astonishingly convenient timing? I must thank you in some capacity; it was unlikely we could have escaped from the company's clutches otherwise. But that is as far as I can thank you any more. Not knowing everything I now do.
The sword was the first clue; rammed through the back of Shinra's head, pinning him to the desk. When Palmer spoke your name I did not know quite what to say. No one even glanced at me - for that I'm still glad. No one knew my past, no one pried; no one seemed to have even the faintest idea about the First Class SOLDIER who used to visit the slums. Nor who he would see. Maybe if your name had not evoked such hatred in Cloud he might have started assembling the pieces and chained together the clues I had left inadvertently in my answers. I shivered in that room as they crowded around the panicked man. I stared at the Masamune.
As I said; I justified it all back then. I knew enough. You had never spoken of it directly before. You never needed to. I wonder if you remember our times together; sitting in the church, side by side beside the flower beds. Myself, merely seventeen years old and deeply, deeply infatuated. You almost twice my age, aloof, distant, cool. I was so young; no wonder Mom never approved, was never quite sure about you, about us. Not that she could do anything. You had a reputation even then. Cold, distant. Emotionless. It never seemed to reflect who you really were. There was a warmth beneath the exterior.
You warned Tseng away, kept him or any of the Turks from bothering me, from persuading me back to the company - by any method. It worked for a time - my life was as peaceful as it could be. You were a wonderful companion, someone to be with and speak volumes by never saying anything at all. You never promised me the world; I don't doubt at your word Shinra could have liefted Mom and me out of the slums and given us nothing to worry about for the rest of our days. Perhaps it would have been too messy to do that. Much like our similar pasts. We never needed to spell it out; it hung unspoken in the silences - what it was like to have Hojo as a jailer. I got out faster than you did, I was less damaged in the process. I could not imagine the trauma you endured; mine seemed mercifully brief by comparison.
You missed him in the building. But not for want of trying; of that I am certain. If he had been there when you arrived, I have little doubt he would have numbered among the dead. Maybe you would have relished taking that one particular life. I could justify your actions when Palmer wailed your name. Standing in President Shinra's office. After wading through the blood. Revenge is a simple enough motive. Hojo was not someone who could do what he did without support and influence from the very top. Shinra in itself was culpable for every action the man undertook. This then was your retaliation; your revenge on those who had wronged you and allowed those wrongs. I hoped it would bring you peace - even as I shivered in the horror and the startling revelation that you somehow still lived. Even if so many of the people now dead could not have possibly played any part in your harm.
Justifying was impossible later. I was never able to forget you after that.
Cloud started off with a single-minded obsession to pursue you. To find you. It was a day or so before I found out why. He span a yarn in an inn in Kalm. Told me things I could never have pieced together alone. Where you went five years ago. Who was with you. Strange; you never once mentioned Cloud to me. As good a friend as he was, and never a word about him. You never talked of companions and friends; I thought you did not have any. Maybe I understood you less well than I thought. Maybe that was a good thing.
There were holes in his story. Understandable from a tale drenched in fire and blood and sorrow. The anger and horror in Cloud's eyes as he described his home burning and crumbling around him, as he spoke of Tifa's anger were evidence enough. Of how you cut her down; a girl a year younger than me striking at you in anger. You could have disarmed her without injury; instead you wounded her mortally. I tried to figure it out. Tried to piece together what could have moved you so far, inspired you to lash out at those around you like that. What lead you to go to that reactor and seek out that creature inside; the one with your mother's name. I could not help but shiver as Cloud tried to describe something seemingly both familiar and alien.
I could not find the words when Cloud's tale abruptly halted; when he left it on a cliffhanger - he versus you in the heart of that reactor. What happened next? How could he live and you reportedly die - only to live once more? He looked embarrased at the lapse in his memory. That he was victorious could not really be in question - he was here and the world thought you dead. But the latter had proven incorrect so had he really been victorious. What happened next?
The zeal in Cloud's story inspired the others to continue on; revenge against Shinra for dropping the plate morphing into saving the world. Cloud was adamant that your return was a graver risk than anything Shinra could do. The listeners - my new friends - pledged to follow him as he sought you. But I almost turned back. I couldn't sleep after Cloud's story, and I seriously considered going back. It was not far to Midgar. I could still go back. Pick up my life; sell flowers, scrape by as best as I could. Forget about you all over again - or at least try to. Not rush towards you with the others. The you that was some horrific shade of what you once were. Someone who would kill and burn. Cloud's words hit with force; I had seen your handiwork too recently. Justifying your actions in Cloud's past was next to impossible. What excuse could you have? I wavered. But I could not go back. Midgar held Tseng and it held Hojo. Moving on and leaving was the better choice.
I stopped justifying you the next time your actions intruded on my journey.
Midgar Zoloms were horrifying creatures. Giant, snake-like, fast, deadly. Did it even stand a chance? Was it a struggle or did you cut the creature down as easily as those in the Shinra building? Before I had seen the aftermath of a murderous impulse motivated by revenge. Now I saw the aftermath of nothing but cruelty. You would tell us, tell me - later - you knew the secrets of the Cetra. The Zolom impaled on the tree; I cannot believe you would do that for any reason other than to prolong it's suffering. To prevent it returning to the Planet. Did you know I was coming then? Was it a message for me? Or simple, callous cruelty? I wept that night in the dark, praying I did not wake Tifa. The man I knew, the man I thought I loved could no longer be in this world.
The ship horrified me. I was never able to relax after that. Oh, Hojo was a convenient excuse to hide myself away in Costa del Sol, but it was impossible to relax after we found you in the engine room. I had not seen you in five years. You had not aged a day. You looked through me. You looked through Cloud even as he reached out to you. What had happened in those years? Was it truly you or was something using you as a puppet? I am unfortunately now aware that you are always you; nothing moves your body except your own, murderous will. We fought the creature you left in your wake; the others shaking off the nightmare apparition as if nothing more than an unwanted dream. I was not so lucky. I could have enjoyed the sun, the clear water. I should have enjoyed being out of Midgar; free to walk on the grass to see flowers, see the hugeness of the world.
You didn't let me. From the moment we left - no before that - ever since the Shinra building, you dominated my thoughts. It's hard to move on when your former significant other leaves corpses behind for you to trip over. As a sadistic present for me or were they there to spur our pursuit - to send Cloud charging at you faster? You did little to stop us, and beckoned Cloud on with a zeal that confused us all.
I found it getting hard to smile. Oh, I grinned as need be, but it was fake, so fake. I passed so much off with every excuse I could muster; poor stomach, my cycle. I was even less than honest when opportunities arose. When that couple in Gongaga pressed me, asked if I might be their son's girlfriend, I played along - sort of. The idea only came as I ran from their house, made the connection between a hypothetical ex and the real one. At least my behavior had an excuse to tell Cloud. Honestly; how many women had they supposed might be this Zack's girlfriend? It helped explain my behavior to the others. What I learned in Cosmo Canyon helped more. I was alone. So alone.
The others buoyed my spirits slightly, did their best to continue to make me feel welcome. Cloud cared, wanted to help. I couldn't let him close enough fast enough to make a difference though. I did at least feel better as we approached Nibelheim; even as Cloud and Tifa grew more and more reticent to carry on. I was able to return their favor and their help to both of them. I helped encourage them, helped keep them moving as they lost their wills and desire to keep going. The strange secrets of that town weighed down on them terribly. I wondered at what seemed impossible; concrete evidence of all your actions undone.
Then we met you again. You talked at Cloud, not listening - not really - to what he said. Cryptic hints and tortured inference littered your speech. But you still looked at me. You recognised me then - in a way you had not on the ship. A glint in your eye, a widening of your smile. A shade of what you once were. And you ignored me. Cruelty again. I could not justify you or your actions any longer. But neither could I see our time together in the past as anything but ruined; no happy memories back there. You were not different enough for me to consider you other; this was you - the before felt like only an act.
It was a long while until I could forget that moment. Through the mountains and to Rocket Town. Chasing Yuffie in Wutai. I actually laughed as we scrambled around her home town, as she lead us on a chase, always one step ahead. As we made a truce with the Turks. There were unpleasant moments, but in the blazing sunlight I dared to feel hopeful that you might be behind me. We learned nothing of you there. A relief for a time.
You cast a long shadow, and one we could only avoid for so long. Wutai felt like a holiday, a reprieve. We soon learned the dark hints of what you wanted; the black materia. And we sought to stop you. Your plans, your goals; I don't think any of us had the faintest idea what they were. What you were trying to do and why you wanted a relic of the distant past. We did not care. We had to stop you.
The Gold Saucer... No. Not here. I want the memory to be separate. The last chance I had. Before we met - properly. Five years and thousands of miles. And I stood in front of you again. Your blade could have struck me down before I could move. But you spoke of your intentions instead. How you wished to hurt the Planet, hurt it terribly and draw upon that wound. I was nothing to you in that moment - another death along with everyone else as the Planet met its end. All for you.
Did you know how I felt for Cloud when you took control of his hands in that confused moment in the foundations of the temple? Was it a last sadistic turn to punish me for daring to try and move on from you? Wherever you have been these last five years, not once did you return to me. Why shouldn't I get over you? But now it doesn't matter. I don't need you anymore. I don't want you anymore. Cloud may be a SOLDIER like you, but he has a warmth you never had. My black eye faded. Cloud, Tifa, Barret, Nanaki, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Vincent and Cid left behind me. Now it's my turn to spite you. The Planet chatters to me; the Lifestream holds secrets for more listeners than just you. I know how to stop you now. Stop you before you even begin.
I thought I loved you once; I called you my first love. Why did I say that to Cloud? Five years is a long time. Almost a quarter of my life spent waiting for you. Why did I endure that? Five years is more than enough to change my perception of you even before you hacked and brutalised so many. I could have waited. I don't know what would have happened if you had just walked back into my life a year ago. Could we continue or start again? You never even allowed us to explore that possibility. Instead your lust for bloodshed, you vengeance not against just those that harmed you and allowed harm to befall you have made us enemies. You declared the world your enemy. I must defend it.
And so I am here. Alone, but with a purpose. A destiny of the kind I could never have imagined once. I alone can speak to the heart of our world. I alone can ask for the Planet to end you. Maybe it's spite. Maybe it's love. I guess I will find out when I go back. When I see him; when I see when I do, I vow I will never think of you again.