Gears of Comedy presents…
What Are Tampons?
by Stephanie G., aka MyFantasiWorld
Copyrights: Everything that is Gears of War belongs to Epic Games, People Can Fly, and The Coalition. Other material used here either belongs to me or other creators.
Rating: Rated T for mature language and minor adult themes.
A/N: Here's another 2009 story that is updated and ready for a read! Basically, the reason I made this fanfiction is under the hilarious fact that not many men still don't know what tampons are used for. So having made it, you'll find the Gears go through some hilarious events to learn about what a tampon really is. Hope you guys like it, 'cause it was a popular piece out of all my Gears of Comedy fanfictions. Please, R&R!
Summary: While Anya was cleaning out her room, she accidentally drops a tampon on the floor which happens to roll out of her door. When Benjamin discovers it, he couldn't tell what the item was or the purpose of its use. So in hopes of finding out its identity, he goes to ask Delta Squad and their friends what his discovery might be. Would they know what it is?
"Sergeant Fenix! Sergeant Fenix!"
Private Benjamin Carmine, also known as the youngest sibling of the four Carmine brothers, sprinted through the hallway of the COG's headquarters pressing his boots hard against floor.
There really was no reason for him to be running like if he was being chased by a wild Berserker, or when he bumped into a COG soldier to make him fall out of a window six-stories high. But whenever he believed items like the object he found were important, he must be diligent on knowing what he was up against.
And he was determined to find out what was this fluffy, precious item he had never seen before.
When he turned a corner and finally found Marcus' door, he was about to jump in front of it to rap on it. However, the door flung open on him instead and he slammed against it before he even thought to stop. Sliding off the door slowly and off of it, Carmine fell back with a thud.
After having come out of the room, Marcus looked down unimpressed at the young Private. Closing the door behind him and shoveling his hands into his pockets, he asked gruffly, "What the hell are you doing, Kid?" With only a small moan coming out from him, the soldier decided to help him up by grabbing Carmine by his shirt with one hand and easily picking him up to stand him back onto his feet. "Didn't your school teachers ever tell you not to run in the hallway? You'll get hurt, ya know. Even kids younger than you know better."
The Private brushed off his arms and replied childishly, "Yeah, yeah, yeah… I get it Macho-man. Always pick on the goofy guy of the whole crew… who so happens to be loved by millions of fans, by the way."
"What do you want, Carmine?" Marcus grunted while pinching his nose bridge.
"Oh, right." Ben took a quick examination of his clenched fist to make sure he still had the object in his hand. Then as he brought his fist in front of Marcus to see, he began to open his hand slowly making the Sergeant very curious as to what he was about to show him. While waiting almost what seemed like hours for Carmine to open his hand all the way, Marcus sighed and hit under his palm to make the object pop right up and caught it in midair.
"Aw, man! You killed the slow-motion act!" Carmine stomped his foot like a brat who had his toy taken away, "You really are mean…"
"Whoever said I was nice?"
When the Private huffed and crossed his arms, Marcus took his time to turn the soft object around on all sides, fluffing it with his fingers, and tugging at the small string that stuck out from one of the ends.
"So, do you know what it is?" Ben asked while watching him observe it.
After taking a moment to think about what it was, Marcus looked up at him. Then he hollered at the top of his lungs, "IT'S A FUCKING WORM!" The soldier then threw the object across the hall almost five feet away from him, and, out of nowhere, brought out his Lancer and started shooting off his rounds at it.
"HOLY SHIT!" Carmine shouted as he covered down onto the floor.
After spraying the floor with holes and discarded bullets, Marcus raised his Lancer over his head to rev up the chainsaw and charged forward. Lowering the blades at the so-called worm, he started to grind down, but noticed he had missed it and began sawing up the floor instead. Some of the staff workers in the hallway even stopped in place to watch him inflict damage on the newly-constructed floors Hoffman had paid not too long ago.
"SERGEANT, STOP! IT'S NOT A WORM!" Carmine yelled out and found the courage to pounce on him to stop him from sawing an even bigger hole on the floor, but more worried that Hoffman would get pissed if he found out they had destroyed it.
Marcus stopped the chainsaw and stared at him blankly for a while, and then turned back at the object which was still intact from the damage he tried inflicting upon it. After pondering more about the object, he looked back at Carmine and replied, "How would you know? It could be some kind of worm egg or something!"
CRACK.
Both of them looked down at the damaged floor Marcus had made accidentally while trying to kill the 'worm egg', and found that it was strangely cut in a circle around them.
"Marcus… How the hell did you cut in a circle like that?"
He didn't have any time to answer, because the whole ground suddenly collapsed underneath them, and they fell straight down into the hole with the small object following along.
CRASH! THUD, THUD!
Landing in another room of the building, Marcus and Carmine sat up and coughed out dust while trying to wave it away to see where they were at. As their vision through the dust clouds became more clearer, they had noticed whose room it was owned by. It was Baird's.
Baird andCole were both in the room playing video games, which Marcus had hinted from the controllers they were holding, and sat motionless on the couch after witnessing the ceiling collapsing right in front of them… and on Baird's Xbox 360.
Baird got up from his couch and exclaimed, "AGH! YOU ASSHOLES! YOU JUST BROKE MY XBOX! I PAID BIG MONEY JUST TO GET IT FIXED! GASP! AND LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY CEILING!"
Cole didn't bother to say anything, since it wasn't his room anyway, but instead caught sight of the small little object Carmine had found and grabbed it out of curiosity. Baird and Marcus were, all the while, touching nose-to-nose and exchanging curses at each other. Ben was unfortunately caught in the middle and was getting squished.
After trying to distinguish the object, Cole managed to speak over the bickering two and grab their attention, except for Carmine who was still trying to wriggle himself out from between Marcus and Baird.
"Yo! What the hell is this?" he brought the object up in sight by handling the string that extended out of it.
After successfully getting out between Marcus and Baird, Carmine responded, "Well, that's what I've been wondering myself. What do you guys think it is?"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a sec!" Baird angrily said, "You go through all this trouble knocking down part of my ceiling and breaking my Xbox… JUST SO YOU CAN FIND OUT WHAT THAT DAMN THING IS?! OH GREAT! HOW DID I GET MYSELF STUCK IN THIS STUPID STORY?!"
When he heard whispering above him, he stopped talking and looked up to see several people gazing in through the hole that used to be his ceiling and pointed roughly at them, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ALL STARING AT!" All of the workers then quickly backed away from the newly-developed gap and proceeded to do their daily tasks while pretending not to notice it.
Cole ignored Baird the entire time and answered, "I dunno. Almost looks like those wrapped-up napkins you find at fancy restaurants."
"I don't think so. It looks like a worm egg to me," Marcus suggested as he patted his clothes from all the dirt he collected.
"What? That's nasty, Marcus!" He tossed the object to Baird disgustingly and made it land directly into his spiky hair. The mechanic gave him a stern look and retrieved the item off of his head, and, knowing there was no hope of getting out of this story, examined the object himself.
"I know what this is," he finally said.
"So it is an egg. We should kill it!" Marcus pulled his shotgun out of nowhere and loaded it, making Carmine brace for cover again.
"No, it's not! It's a nosebleed stopper."
"…What?"
"A nosebleed stopper. Do you have wax in your ears?"
Marcus just stares at him confused.
"Jeezus, do I have to spell it out for you?!"
Marcus nods.
Baird palms his face, "Ugh… What it means is that it stops your nose from bleeding. If you don't like sticking napkins up your nose, you can use this instead." He raised it in front of himself to let everyone see it.
After realizing the means of the item, Marcus quickly turns to Carmine and curls his hand into a fist. "What the -" was the only thing Carmine had left to say, because the soldier punched him right in the face.
The now-unconscious Private was ironically still standing in place, but his nose began to burst out a slow trail of blood. When Marcus notices this, he swipes the item out of Baird's hand and places it onto his hand.
"Try it on," Marcus ordered.
The poor Carmine was still out cold, so after taking the 'nosebleed stopper' in his hand involuntarily, he slowly fell backwards on the ground and spit out two teeth at the process.
"Okay, Marcus… Why did you do that?" Baird asked while rubbing his eyes in disbelief.
"I wanted to see if it worked… Also, he owed me ten bucks a month ago."
IN FRONT OF THE COG'S HEADQUARTERS AT NIGHT...
Marcus and Ben were walking around the parking lot trying to find Hoffman's Black Ford F-150 while carrying a dog cage that contained a furry creature the Colonel has always hated so much.
They were betting for ten dollars on who Hoffman will blame for putting the creature in his vehicle this time, since they do it every year on his birthday.
So as they found his vehicle at last, Marcus opens up the right door that Hoffman forgets to lock every time, and slides the cage in the front seat. Carmine then proceeds to slip off the lock of the dog cage as quickly as he can, shuts the truck's door, and they both run back into the headquarters. They return outside the next day to watch Hoffman yelling out his lungs on an innocent COG soldier or staff member.
Carmine bet that Tai was going to take the blame, but Marcus bet that it would be Baird. Unfortunate for the private, the Sergeant won.
THE NEXT DAY OUTSIDE THE PARKING LOT...
"BAIRD! DO YOU SEE THE DAMAGE IT HAS CAUSED TO MY BEAUTIFUL TRUCK?! HUH, DO YOU!" Hoffman pointed angrily at his battered Ford while turning more red to the face almost every minute.
Baird squints his eyes from his high-pitched hollering and turns to look at his vehicle terribly beaten up from the sunroof, the seats ripped up into pieces, and the windows slightly cracked about twenty times.
He looks up at Hoffman and tries to tell him he had nothing to do with this, but then the Colonel just raised a small acorn in front of his face to prevent him from talking at all.
"YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU BOYS STICK THOSE BUTT-LICKING SQUIRRELS INTO MY TRUCK! THOSE DAMN VERMINS ARE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE! ALWAYS THROWING THEIR GOD-DAMN ACORNS AT YA! NOW, I WANT YOU TO START SAVING UP, 'CAUSE YOU'RE PAYING FOR ALL THE DAMAGE YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS CAUSED! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?"
"But I didn't do it!"
"DON'T WASTE YOUR BREATH, YOU BLONDE, LITTLE QUEER! YOU ARE GIVEN AN ORDER, AND I EXPECT YOU TO FOLLOW IT! IS THAT CLEAR!"
"Sigh… yes sir."
While not too far from Hoffman and Baird, Marcus and Carmine were watching the poor mechanic get blamed on for the prank. Marcus looks at the young Private with a grin and hands out his palm, "Pay up, Kid."
Ben looks at him and stutters, "Well… I… Well! Would you look at the time! I need to feed my dog! Yep! Can't have my dog starving from food, you know! He, he…"
"But you don't have a dog, Carmine."
They both stayed silent for a moment, but then the Private took a jump start and ran like hell back into his room.
Baird's eye started to twitch after watching the flashback of Hoffman's birthday incident that he got blamed for.
"Ya know, Marcus… I'm this close -" Baird pretends to squish something between his index finger and thumb, "THIS CLOSE - to shoving your Gnasher right up your FUCKING ASS, AND SHOOTING YOUR GUTS OUT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING -"
"WOAH!" Everyone looks up to see Jace looking down at the rubble that used to be Baird's ceiling. "What happened here? Some berserker bust through your ceiling, or what?"
"I wish it was possible, Kid, but Sergeant Asswipe and Private Geekwad here were playing with some kind of toy and somehow managed to tear down my ceiling and crush my Xbox!"
"Um… could you tell me that in English?"
Baird sighed and grabbed the object from the still-unconscious Carmine and threw it up at Jace for him to catch it. "They want to know what that shit is. It's supposed to be a nosebleed stopper, from what I heard."
Jace took a quick study of the object and raised his eyebrows at the familiarity. "Hey, I've seen one of these before! Hoffman uses them for smoking, though. He said it's some kind of new cigar they've invented…"
AT HOFFMAN'S OFFICE...
Hoffman was sitting at his office with his arms at the back of his head and his feet propped onto his desk. He also had a pink-colored 'cigar' hanging at the side of his mouth which spelled out, "Flower-Scented", in white, cursive handwriting.
He said out loud to himself with glee, "And they said these were not around anymore! Ha!"
"I'm confused, ya guys. So what the fuck is it? A cigar? A worm egg? A nosebleed stopper? Dammit, make up your minds already!" Cole barked at them, frustrated that they still haven't figured out what it is.
"Ugh…" Carmine woke up groggily while holding his head, "What did I miss? Pass me something to stop the bleeding, please?"
Jace jumped down into the room with ease to join the little group, to Baird's displeasure, and gave the small object to him without thinking what he was going to do with it. The unsteady Private then stuck it up in his bleeding nostril and sighed, "This feels soft."
"See, what did I tell ya?" Baird crossed his arms, feeling confident of discovering the use of the object.
Just then, everyone heard the door knocking, but Baird waved a hand up to the group to gesture he was going to get it. Walking through the rubble and mumbling about his ceiling and his destroyed Xbox, he opened the door to find Dom smirking and saluting a finger.
"What's up, Baird, I heard your Xbox was - Oh, wow!" He stopped momentarily to catch sight of a big hole gaping at Baird's ceiling and all his friends standing over some of the collapsed rubble. "Some shit must've went down here, huh?"
"Yeah, but you might want to talk to Dumb and Dumbass here. They're the ones who started this mess!"
The groggy Ben looked up at Dom and replied, "Yeah… Well, you see, I wanted to know what this thing was." He pulled out the fluffy object from his nose, which was now soaked up with Carmine's blood, and displayed it to Dom. He gave a revolted look at the dripping object and the Private continued, "I found out it's supposed to be a nosebleed stopper!"
After hearing that, Dom froze and raised his eyebrows at him and everyone else. "You mean to tell me… You think this is…" Within mere seconds, Dom threw his head back and began to laugh. Everyone looked at each other in confusion and wondered what was Dom laughing about.
Marcus was the first to ask, "What's up, Dom?"
Dom chuckled, "That's not a - Ha, ha! - a nosebleed stopper!" He even gestured the quotations by curling two fingers from each of his hands two times.
"Well then," Baird butted in, feeling angry that his discovery wasn't going to end this story already, "tell us what it is, Smart Guy."
"It's a tampon."
Silence.
"Y'know… a tampon. Women use it every time?"
More silence.
Dom giggled in disbelief, "Oh man, looks like I'm gonna have to fill you virgins in with a lesson -"
"Hey, I am not a virgin! Marcus is!" Baird interjected out of nowhere, leaving everyone to look at him with half-closed eyes.
"Takes one to know one," Marcus smirked. Baird was just about to make a comeback at him, but didn't have enough time to do it since the next scene of the story already began to start.
AND SO, DOM EXPLAINED WHAT A TAMPON WAS...
"…and that's why Maria uses one too."
Everyone was now all standing with horrific faces. Cole was, on the other hand, throwing up in a bag.
Baird then broke the silence, "Wait, wait, wait. So you're saying these chicks bleed from their -"
"Yup."
"And it happens every -"
"Yup."
"So when it happens they use -"
"Another yup."
"And they stick it up their -"
"Definite yup."
"…Okay, I think I just died inside."
"Says the blonde virgin! Ha, ha, ha," Cole elbowed him after puking most of his breakfast out.
After trying to take in everything he had learned under five minutes of his young life, Carmine looks at the tampon in his hand, but almost drops it as Marcus slaps him on the back, "Ben, looks like you've experienced your first period."
Baird stepped in to make fun of the Private as well, "Congratulations! You're now a pussy!"
Carmine looked at both of them angrily, and everyone in the room started to laugh. Then he turned back to look at the blood-drenched tampon still in his hand, only to notice a flash had blurred his eyesight. After blinking a few times, he noticed Anya holding a camera right in front of him while Maria stood next to her.
Maria smiled, "I told you, Anya! I told you Carmine also has periods! I saw him running in the hall with the tampon!"
"I guess you were right, Girl! We should put this in the front papers," Anya smirked as she grabbed the developed picture of Carmine holding a bloody tampon.
Both the girls giggled in unison and left the room with the photo, leaving everyone else to wonder where the hell they had come from. But then Anya came back into the room and said, "Oh, be sure to throw that away, Carmine. It isn't reusable."
Carmine, still mouth gaping at the thought she had taken a picture of him holding the tampon, he looked at it and flung it over his shoulder to hear Jace yell out, "Hey!"
She then waved at all the soldiers in a flirty manner, "Bye, boys."
"Bye…" everyone, except Dom who kept his morals as a married man, waved back at her stupidly. She finally left the room and they all nearly buckled from her extreme cuteness.
"Isn't she just adorable?" Carmine sighed. Everyone nodded awkwardly at his question, but quickly collected themselves and returned to the subject about their discovery.
"So? What about Hoffman?" Baird asked, "Are we going to tell him what the difference is between a tampon and a cigar? Jace?"
Jace snickered to himself, "Why should we? He'll find out soon enough."
"Agreed. I like the way you think."
"Umm… What about Hoffman?" Dom asked.
ONE WEEK LATER, BACK AT HOFFMAN'S OFFICE...
The Colonel was reading the front page of the weekly newspaper, which contained a giant photo of Carmine bleeding from his nose and a tampon held up with some of his blood covering it. The title at the top read, "The First Man To Have A Period!".
After looking back at the picture once more for a quick review, Hoffman nearly fell off of his chair when he realized the object Ben held was the same thing he was smoking right now. He quickly looked at his "cigar" and spit it out in disgust. "WHAT THE HELL?! MY WIFE TOLD ME THESE WERE CIGARS!"
He ripples up the newspaper in anger, but gets hit with an acorn in the head. He rubs his temple and looks out of the window where a tall tree resided. He saw the one creature he had last seen on his birthday a month ago. It was the red squirrel.
"YOU SON OF A BITCH! WAIT UNTIL HUNTING SEASON COMES AROUND! YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE THE BALLS TO THROW AN ACORN AT ME AGAIN ONCE I BLOW YOU AWAY WITH MY SHOTGUN!"
The squirrel then starts to talk in his animal language and gestures a finger at the Colonel's direction, which translates into this: "Oh yeah? I'd like to see you try, mother-fucker!"
Since Hoffman was trained to talk their language as a squirrel scout when he was small, he fumes up and hollers back, "OH, THAT'S IT!" He quickly grabs his Gnasher Shotgun and runs out of his office into the hallway.
When he turned a corner and caught sight of a large carpet laid out on the floor, he said to himself, "Wait a minute! Who put this carpet on my new floor?" Just when he thought he could run across the rug, it suddenly swallowed him up, making him fall into the hole that Marcus had made last week.
CRASH! THUD!
Landing into the mechanic's room unexpectedly, he rubbed his head and saw Baird and Dom looking at him wide-eyed while holding onto some game controllers. "Ow! I think I fell on something hard!" As he got up and rubbed his butt, he didn't notice he had crushed Baird's Xbox 360.
Baird then throws his remote on the floor roughly, "AGH! SON OF A BITCH!"
Above the room, they start to hear a pissed-off Marcus with his Lancer's chainsaw revving and a screaming Benjamin running through the hallway that Hoffman was trying to go through.
"DAMMIT, CARMINE! WHERE'S MY MONEY?!"
"I TOLD YOU I'D GET IT WHEN MY PAYCHECK COMES IN NEXT WEEK!"
"YOU SAID THAT A MONTH AGO!"
"I NEEDED TO BUY SOME VIDEO GAMES FOR MYSELF! WITHOUT ENTERTAINMENT, I'LL GO INSANE!"
"BULLSHIT! IF YOU CAN'T PAY WITH MONEY, THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO CUT MYSELF A LIMB INSTEAD!" Marcus then threatened Carmine by charging up his chainsaw more.
"AHH! HELP!"
Just then, Ben and Marcus had forgotten that the hole was still in the hallway and were running in midair over it. When they noticed this, they fell straight down and landed on top of Hoffman.
THUD, THUD!
"Oh! Hi, Hoffman! Nice day we're having!" Carmine waved at him, even though they were a close distance from each other.
The Colonel just snarled at him, but only got hit by another acorn again. He looked up to see the red squirrel near the edge of the hole holding onto the tampon the Colonel had been smoking. The little critter dropped the object to make it land on Hoffman's head, turned around to make his tail snap like a whip, and pounced out of sight.
"Ugh… I hate squirrels." Hoffman mumbled to himself.
"And I hate you, too." Baird muttered.
"OMG! You use tampons, too? We should become tampon buddies!" Carmine excitedly said, only to receive a slap in the head by Hoffman.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed it, and here's a fact you guys should know about this story. I did not mention Tai, Dizzy, or Mataki, because I either didn't fancy them as much as I do now or I was left behind on the lore of the games, comics, and novels that I couldn't add them into the story. I'm not entirely sure myself, because I've went back re-editing this story many times only to conclude that I might've replaced Tai with Jace after learning more about Gears of War. So there you go, have fun with that fact. Other than that, leave a review, as always, and expect to look forward to more comedic insanity!