Shepard storms out of the shuttle pulling off pieces of her armour and tossing them down as she walks to the elevator. Taking her helmet off she drops it, removing a shoulder guard she slams it down on the workbench she passes, the other guard gets thrown into a wall across the room with a startling yell, her chest plate is pulled up and over her head and then the motion continues smashing it into the ground. Pausing, she punches the elevator door to open and then stabs the button beside the word "Captain's Cabin". Anger rages out of control, trapped inside a box with nowhere to go the Commander takes to the wall with a volley of jabs and crosses and an emotional roar heard across multiple decks. Crew members look toward the source direction and then at each other in sad understanding. This mission was not easy on their Commanding Officer.
The Commander stops and rests her head against the wall for a moment. My crew should not be hearing this. Shepard struggles to rein herself in with a deep breath and in place of using the wall as a punching bag, returns to stripping off her armour. Tearing her gloves off she throws them to them into the corner.
The elevator opens and Shepard storms out, slamming her open hand down to activate her cabin door she goes to walk in but then stops immediately when she finds Liara standing in front of her.
Everything she's feeling halts for a split second as Liara pulls her into a hug.
The Commander has no idea what to do, standing there with her arms by her side, trying to find something to say, anything.
"You'll be okay." Liara whispers.
Shepard swears all the moisture leaves her throat and chooses to flood her eyes instead, she opens her mouth to speak but instead her chin shakes slightly and in response she clamps her mouth shut again. Taking refuge in Liara, Shepard finally moves by ducking her head into the Asari's neck and bringing her arms around her bondmate.
Her grip is like a vice, holding Liara so tight that she can feel Liara's every breath, every heartbeat, every move of every muscle in her torso as she tries to soothe the Commander.
Shepard shifts her head over Liara's shoulder, "I killed them," her voice a hoarse whisper.
"No."
"Yes, I did, I'm responsible for the death of an entire race," her voice becomes more clear but with each word her throat burns.
"No. The Geth killed the Quarians because they chose to fight instead of listening to Tali when she told them to stand down."
"Tali…" Shepard breathed out, her vision blurring.
"This is not your fault Shepard."
"Then whose is it Liara? I let Legion upload the code and now the Quarians are dead. And Tali-" Shepard pulled back from Liara and held her shoulders to punctuate her point, "Tali begged me not to do it, she pleaded for their lives and what did I do? I stood by and did nothing while she cried for her people!" Liara could clearly see the tears barely restrained in the Commander's eyes, "Tali would have been the last Quarian but she couldn't live with my decision and fell off a cliff!" Shepard's voice dropped lower again, "She killed herself because of what I did, because of the choice I made….Picking one species over another, how am I any better than the reapers now?"
Liara pushed the woman's hands off her shoulders and waved accusingly, "Shepard listen to yourself! That is the stupidest I have ever heard you say! You're fighting to save the entire galaxy which is the very opposite thing to what the reapers are doing. Dammit Shepard! Come on! You know better than that! You are better than that!"
"How am I supposed to save a galaxy when I can't even save one of my best friends?"
"Shepard you've said it yourself; you can't save everyone."
"Right now I don't know if I can save anyone," Sidestepping Liara Shepard moves towards the bed and sits down on its edge, looking at the floor.
"Shepard!" Liara stepped forward and shook the Commander's shoulders forcefully, "Shepard look at me," She waits till her command is complied with, "You've done a hell of a job pulling the galaxy together, you have done what billions have thought impossible. You uncovered Saryn, you saved the council, you beat Sovereign, you came back from the dead, you destroyed the collectors in their own base, you've killed a reaper, you saved the Rachni, the Krogans and even managed to broker an alliance between the Turians and Krogans. You ended a centuries old war. You are doing everything you can to save everyone, you know that, I know that, your crew knows that, earth knows, the council knows, the Citadel knows- everyone in this damned galaxy knows how you are leading them in this fight for survival. And you're doing a damned good job of it."
Shepard sighed deeply with the weight of her grief and as Liara sat beside her she wondered how the human managed to make a single breath hold so much emotion.
"I know," she said slowly, reaching for Liara's hand and entwining their fingers, "But Tali could have been saved if I only I was faster. I could have grabbed her."
"Shepard," Liara said, her voice completely deadpan, "you're already a superhero, the only way you could be any better or faster were if you were a goddess."
The Spectre nodded, accepting that she couldn't change what had already transpired, "But did I do the right thing?"
"Do you think there was a better outcome that could have come from this? Because I don't see one."
"I could have saved the Quarians?"
"Then the Geth would be extinct."
"But Tali would be alive…"
"And Legion would be dead."
"Legion is dead anyway."
"Shepard there is no win/win here, no fairytale ending, no happily ever after. This is a war and you are doing the very best you can."
"But what if my best isn't enough, like today?"
Liara paused for a moment, deciding how best to answer the question, "Then you've done everything beyond humanly possible to do what no one else has before and if we fail then we've paved the way for the next civilisation that evolves to have a better chance of beating the reapers. No one can fault you. No one else in the entire universe can match up to you and the feats you have achieved. You haven't just moved mountains, you've moved solar systems."
"I don't know if it's enough Liara," Shepard leans down and unbuckles her boots, kicking them off to pull off her shin guards.
"You are single handily the most important being in the galaxy, you are enough, you are what we need." Liara pulls Shepard up and flings off her remaining gear, tossing it to the side offhandedly, "You did the right thing and you did everything you could. There was no stopping the Quarians from trying one last time to defeat their creation any more than you could stop the planets revolving and the same goes for Tali. No one else could do what you do."
Shepard wiped a lone tear away before pulling herself into Liara with a soft kiss, and then another and another before turning away and sitting on the side of the bed, pulling the Asari with her.
"You're right, and I know that logically but I can't help feeling I did the wrong thing."
"There's-"
"Hang on, I'm not finished. What I did today…" Shepard ran out of words but Liara waited patiently for her to figure out how to vocalise her thoughts, "Nevermind," Shepard seemed to give in, "I can't change anything now. Let's just…" she lay down on the bed, "I need a minute, or thirty. Have Joker stall everyone for a little while before we go to the Citadel."
Shepard trusted that EDI would relay her order to Joker to hold all incoming communications till she was ready.
Liara slipped her boots off and crawled over Shepard, settling in behind the human and sliding an arm around her.
"Shepard?" She asked quietly.
"Mmm?"
"Let me help you?" Liara felt the Commander nod against the pillow they shared, "Embrace eternity."
Shepard's mind opened up to her and she half expected to be overwhelmed with grief or regret but instead she was surprised to feel only a deep longing ache, throbbing with a darkness that wanted to consume its host. Liara could see Shepard fighting it into a box, intent on remaining strong for the sake of the galaxy. She watched her bondmate force her grief into a manageable hollow sadness that she could use to direct and focus her in the next fight, refusing to leave it unacknowledged where it would have festered out of control. Shepard tamed her wild emotions, bringing them back under control so far that Liara felt a state of near calmness wash the Commander into exhaustion. She drew her consciousness back as Shepard's awareness started to drop off.
"I'll be okay." Shepard mumbled, stroking Liara's hand once where it rested over her stomach before drifting off to sleep.
You have to be, Liara thought, you are the galaxies last and only hope, without you no one stands a chance. You'll get through this and pull the whole damn galaxy along with you.