Title: More Than I'm Supposed To.
Category: Sam and Jack Romance/Angst
Spoilers: Need to have seen "100 Days", "Divide and Conquer" and "Entity".
Series: Story one in the "More Than…" series
Season: Set near the end of season 4. Everything up until "Entity" is the same and then this alternate universe kicks in!
Rated: PG13
Summary: An old flame of Jack's returns and it forces Jack to consider things. The SGC will never be the same again!
Warnings: Love triangle, bit of violence and some strong language.
Disclaimer: Stargate and SG-1 are the property of Showtime, MGM, Double Secret and Gekko and they do not belong to the author. This piece of fan-fiction was created solely for entertainment purposes and no money was exchanged. No copyright infringement was intended and the original characters, situations and plots are property of the author. This piece of fan-fiction must not be archived without the author's consent.
Comments: This is my updated version and split into two chapters just to make it easy. I'm only revising and updating because I found the hand-written sequels that happen after the first three. I'm going to revise the original three and then start posting the sequels.
This is dedicated to Kim and baby Jordan. Congratulations :)
Fan-fiction is a way of seeing what they won't show on TV.
Copyright © Elise July 2002
Revised Edit – September 2010.
More than I'm Supposed to
SG-1 gathered in the control room as the klaxons continued wailing all around them. The Stargate had been activated but an iris defence code had been sent. General Hammond had ordered the iris to be opened, but with teams of armed SF guards in the gate room. The wormhole activated and people started to exit the gate, gathering on the ramp. SG-1 immediately recognised the woman leading the people. Her face was stained with blood, dirt and probably tears, her light brown hair was caked in dirt and her green eyes brimmed with tears. It was Laira from the planet Edora, visited two years previously by SG-1, and behind her was a group of Edorans.
"Jack," she called as she fell to her knees, almost dropping the bundle she held in her arms.
Before General Hammond could give Colonel Jack O'Neill the go ahead, O'Neill was running out of the control room toward the gate room. The three remaining members of SG-1 waited for General Hammond's nod before following their colonel.
O'Neill entered the gate room just as the wormhole disengaged and the blue hue that had tinted everything was gone. He ran straight to where Laira knelt. "Laira, what happened?" he questioned, looking at the group of hurt and scared people before back at the woman with whom he had once shared a life.
"Our planet was attacked."
"By whom?"
"We do not know." She paused. "Some of us are hurt."
"Right," O'Neill nodded, turning to look up at General Hammond. "We need some med-units in here." O'Neill saw Hammond nod and then his attention was brought to the other members of his team entering the room. His eyes fell straight on Major Samantha Carter. Their eyes met and both saw the confusion in the other, he knew in that instant that she was questioning his reactions to the alien woman and he was trying to reply that he was merely being friendly. It had been over a year since he had admitted in front of a lot of base personnel that he cared about Carter, and a year since they had decided to keep that revelation inside a fictitious box which held everything he felt for her. They were both in a limbo which both seemed happy with. O'Neill broke the contact when a noise caught his attention. It was an infant's cries. He looked at Laira. "What was that?" he asked, his face showing confusion.
With his help, Laira stood, a hopeful smile contradicting her battle marked appearance. "It is your son," she replied, uncovering the bundle she held to reveal a child about a year old. O'Neill stared at the child in shock. Behind him his team-mates also reacted; Teal'c raised one eyebrow, while Doctor Daniel Jackson's face showed shock and then concern as he looked at the sight in front of him and then at Carter. Carter's mouth had fallen open in surprise, but her face was a mixture of shock and fear.
The baby wailed again, breaking the silence as the med-units arrived.
X X X X X
Major Carter excused herself from the gate room as quickly as possible without raising anybody's suspicion or concern. She doubted that it had worked successfully though. It was obvious to everyone that she had been disturbed by Laira's arrival and to most it was obvious as to the reason why. She went straight to the women's toilets so that she could have a while to compose herself and think without any interruptions. Most of her friends on base were male, Hell most of the people on base were male, and so she should not be disrupted. Doctor Janet Fraiser was the only real female friend Sam had on base and, as Chief Medical Officer she would be dealing with this crisis therefore unable to come prying into Sam's solitude.
Sam let out a long deep breath, feeling like she had not breathed in minutes. She did not know what to do. O'Neill and she had come so far since the 'Laira' incident and Sam no longer knew where she stood with her C.O. Two years ago, O'Neill had become trapped on Edora. It was during this time that he had fallen in love with Laira, but also when Sam had realised her true feelings. She had been hurt a great deal during that time, but the pain had healed. About six months after that, a mission involving the Tok'ra had led both Sam and Colonel O'Neill to admit that they had feelings for each other. All they had admitted was that they cared for each other a lot more than they were supposed to. They had never discussed it since, agreeing to 'keep it in the room' but Sam's feelings had not changed and she believed that O'Neill's had not either. This could change things now.
Now what was she supposed to do? It was one thing to work beside the man you loved, knowing that you cannot have them. It was a totally different thing to work beside the man you loved, knowing that he has a child with another. O'Neill was an honourable man and Sam did not doubt that he would now want to be a part of his child's life and she wondered where that left her.
Sam could only just about deal with working with her best friend and loving him, wishing that they could act upon their mutual feelings. She knew that she was safe in the knowledge that their feelings were in a room, locked away safely. They may not be able to act upon them, but they each knew that they were there and that each other's feelings were reciprocated. Sam found that comforting and made working together a little bit easier. Things could easily change now, Sam thought sadly.
"Sam?" Sam heard Daniel's voice as someone knocked on the cubicle door.
"Daniel, this is the Ladies'," she responded, trying to give him a hint that she did not want to talk.
"I know. I came to see if you're okay."
"You're not a lady," Sam said, ignoring the rest of what he had said.
"I know," he repeated, "but I came to see if you're okay."
"You shouldn't be in the Ladies', Daniel." Sam was not sure how much more ignoring she could do before she screamed. She was concerned that if he knew it was this obvious that something had upset her, had other people noticed?
Daniel sighed, giving up and hopefully taking her ignorance as a sign that she was fine although Sam doubted that. "General Hammond's called a meeting in the briefing room. He wants you there."
"When is it?" Sam asked, glad that Daniel had given up trying to help her because she really did not want to talk right now. She had never discussed her feelings for O'Neill with anyone before, rarely even with O'Neill himself. Everyone knew that there were feelings there and some people had known before the Zatarc incident; Daniel included.
"In ten minutes."
"Okay," she replied trying to figure out if she could compose herself within ten minutes. She knew that she could because she was often faced with lots of information, deadlines and quick decisions all at once. Sam knew that she just to work through her thoughts a little bit before having to face Colonel O'Neill again.
"Yeah, it's just SG-1, the general and, uh, Laira," Daniel volunteered without needing to be asked.
"Thanks. I'll see you there." Sam thanked her throat for allowing that sentence to be spoken without breaking.
"Are you sure? I can come with you, if you want."
Sam could hear the friendly concern in his voice. He had given up asking her if she was okay, but he was still there if she wanted him. This made Sam smile. "Thanks, but I'm okay."
"Okay," Daniel said and Sam listened as he left.
"Brave face, Samantha, brave face," she whispered to herself before leaving the cubicle.
X X X X X
Colonel O'Neill was the first to get to the briefing room. He had decided against following Laira to the infirmary. She had asked him to accompany her, but he had refused saying that there would be too many people in there. Plus, Jack needed some time to think. It was one thing to see his ex-partner standing there, but to discover he had a child – it was a bit too much. When he and Laira had parted, Jack had asked Laira to come to Earth with him and she had asked for him to remain on Edora. Both had declined the other's offer, neither able to leave their respective home. His life had changed a lot in the two years following then, he had become more comfortable with the life that he had and the box in which his and Carter's feelings were stored. In fact he had been a different man on Edora – a man who had no chance for returning home, a man who could settle down and have a family. He had been that man a long time ago, but he was no longer that man. He could be, though. So easily he could be. Was that what he wanted?
Did he want to settle down with a woman he could love, have children and raise a family?
Or did Jack want what he had now – a world-saving job that he loved?
He knew that he could not have both and maybe now was the time for him to decide. He had made that decision the last time he left Laira and Edora, but things were different now on both sides: Edora and Earth. Earth still had all of the positive attributes it had done two years ago and now had something clearly defined yet un-acted upon with Carter. Edora, on the other hand, still had someone that O'Neill could love but who could not make him truly happy and yet it now also had his child, the one thing which he could not have on Earth.
Jack was so lost in thought that he did not notice the General or Daniel enter. Jack did look up when Carter appeared in the doorway. She hesitated before entering the room. He watched her curiously as she silently moved toward the table and sat down opposite Daniel, all the time keeping her head low. Jack managed a glimpse of her face and it was pale. Carter was an important part of his life now. She was his best friend. She knew him better than anyone else and they could communicate by looks alone. She was the woman he… cared for a lot more than he was supposed to. Jack hated the thought of life without seeing her, without looking into those big blue eyes or without seeing her beaming smile. The trouble was she could never give him that life that he had wanted so badly. That life that had a happy ending, that consisted of a wife, two-point-four children and a dog. He had been happy to try and live that life when he had no other option, when the Stargate being buried had forced him into that life. He would have happily continued with that life if there had been no other way, but he had known the instant SG-1 returned for him that his life was not with Laira on Edora. Now he could have a second chance with a son, but O'Neill was not sure that was a good enough reason to leave Earth and his life completely.
Jack saw something move out of the corner of his eye and he glanced at it, taking his eyes off of Carter's bowed head. It was Teal'c entering the room, accompanied by Laira. Everyone could feel the tension in the room rise by a few notches. He immediately returned his gaze to Carter and found her watching him. Their eyes met for a brief second, which seemed to last a lifetime. In her eyes he saw the impossible future. He looked back at Laira as she took her seat, meeting her eyes and he saw the possible future. Laira smiled and Jack returned the compliment.
"Let's get this meeting started, shall we?" General Hammond said, bringing everyone to attention. "Laira, what happened on Edora?"
Everyone turned to look at Laira, except Carter who, unknown to the others, was doodling on her notebook.
Laira sighed. "We were attacked." She had already said as much earlier whilst also stating that she had not known who had attacked them
"By whom?" Daniel asked. Everyone was thinking the Goa'uld, but they knew that a group of Edorans would never escape through the Stargate if Goa'uld ruled it.
Laira shook her head. "That is where I am deeply ashamed. We were attacked by ourselves." The disgrace and embarrassment were obvious in her voice, leading Jack to assume that was why she had misinformed them when she had first arrived.
This made even Carter look up. "Excuse me?" she asked. When SG-1 had been on Edora, it had been a peaceful nation.
"Soon after you left, our people began bickering. At first it was over nothing, but it soon grew. It escalated and soon a new village was formed. The bickering ceased for a few months until the new village discovered their crops had failed through misfortune. They stole from us. We would have given what could be spared, but they stole it all. We then gave them warnings and ultimatums and they started a war. They destroyed most of our village before we knew what hit us, declaring that they wanted control of everything. They gave us the choice of submission or retreating through the Stargate. The people with me are the last of us and the only place we could think of was here. We cannot return home," Laira admitted, her voice cracking slightly. "We came to you in the hope that you can find us a new home. Can you?"
"You can stay here," Jack blurted out without thinking. No one was sure where the comment had come from, not even Jack.
Daniel looked at Carter for her reaction while everyone else looked at Jack in shock.
"Colonel?" Hammond questioned.
Before Jack could reply, Laira spoke. "Thank you, Colonel, but my people and I would not like to depend on others. We wish to be self-sufficient and we do not believe that we could integrate into your society." Jack nodded slowly. "General Hammond, we would be grateful if you could find us a new planet. A fertile, peaceful and hospitable planet."
"I'm sure that we can and we will give you as much assistance as you need and request. Major, Doctor – can you both work on this?" General Hammond asked, knowing that Carter and Daniel were the most suited to the task because both had a good knowledge of planets and Daniel kept himself up to date with their allies and hospitable planets.
"Yes, General," Daniel answered.
"Yes, Sir," Carter said quietly. Hammond nodded before leaving. Carter looked up from her notebook her eyes locking with Jack's. He opened his mouth as if about to say something to her.
"Jack, may I have a word?" Laira asked, successfully preventing Jack from speaking to Carter.
Jack turned to Laira. "Sure," he stood up, "in my office." Jack turned back to Carter, but she was studying her notebook again. Laira nodded and followed him out of the room.
Carter remained in her seat, her gaze back on her notebook.
"Sam?" Daniel questioned.
"Leave me alone, Daniel!" she snapped before walking out.
Daniel sighed and looked at the doorway. "I think we're in for a fun few days," he said sarcastically.
"Indeed," Teal'c replied, as one eyebrow rose.
X X X X X
Jack led Laira into his office in silence. He had a lot to say to the woman, but he did not know where to start. He closed the door behind him and Laira turned to face him.
"We have a lot to discuss," Laira said.
Jack nodded. "Our son…"
"His name is Jack, after his father. You may doubt he is your son, but he is. If it were possible to prove it, I would."
"We have a way," Jack said, unsure whether he doubted her.
"Do it. If you doubt me, do it. I will not be hurt or think less of you. I love you, Jack, and you are my son's father."
"Why didn't you tell me about him?" For some reason he believed Laira. Maybe it was because she would not allow herself to be tested if she knew there was a chance that the child was not his.
Laira began looking around the room, nervously. "At first I could not because I did not want you back for him. I wanted you back for me. I know that you may consider that wrong, but you were not prepared to give up your life here for me and I did not want you to for him."
"That wasn't really your decision to make," he stated bluntly.
"Maybe not, but you had left. I had desired to leave it a few months and then come and tell you. I had planned for it to be under much better circumstances and then give you the option regarding being in his life. I did not want you to make a decision based on him or me which altered your life. I did not want to appear as a woman who had deliberately trapped you. Then the fighting started and I did not want to run to you for help, nor did I want to abandon my people; they look to me as a leader. I came to you when we could take it no more and I am deeply sorry that I also come with this news about your child, but circumstances prevented me coming sooner."
"You still should have told me. Straight away, whether I made a decision based on you or him, it was my decision to make."
"Why?" Laira asked. "What would it have achieved?"
"I would have known my son. I could have seen him grow. I could have protected him." Jack was evidently hurt. "He is my son and you kept him from me. I could have helped you both."
Laira turned back to face Jack. "You still can. Come with us, Jack," she implored passionately, moving towards him. "Know me and your son. Leave this life and start a new one," she held his hands as she pleaded. "Please."
"I… I…" Jack looked at her pleading face and tried to form an answer, trying to make a decision. It was a very difficult choice.
X X X X X
Daniel sometimes believed himself to be a glutton for punishment. He had already tried twice now and he was about to try for the third time to talk to Sam. He headed to SG-1's office, knowing that Sam would throw herself into her work. That meant that she would either be in the lab or their office. Daniel was correct and he found Sam in their office. He coughed as he entered the room.
Sam looked up and smiled. "Daniel, I was just getting started on finding the Edorans a planet. I think-"
"Sam," Daniel interrupted and she stopped.
"What?" she asked smiling. She was putting on a brave face, she was burying everything and Daniel knew it. It was just as she always did when it came to Jack O'Neill and he did the same thing regarding her.
He approached her desk slowly. "It's obvious that you don't want to talk, but I'm here if you want to." He paused to let her speak, but Sam remained silent. "I know how you feel about him and that he feels the same. I know how it must be to see Laira come back. I saw what you went through when Jack was trapped on Edora and when he came back. I know how much you hurt, Sam, and I don't want to see you hurting again." It was common knowledge to most on the base that there were feelings between Sam and her commanding officer. A few select people knew that during an incident involving the Tok'ra, both Jack and Sam had been forced to admit they cared for each other. Daniel had sort of known beforehand that there was a deep friendship between his two friends. He also knew that it was against their regulations to ever do anything about it. Part of him was glad of this, but another part was not. As a human being, Daniel did not like it that two people should be kept apart. But as a member of a very unique team, Daniel did not want their dynamic to change. The return of Laira could very well change that dynamic without either Jack or Sam breaking regulations.
"She has his child, Daniel," Sam whispered.
"I know, but it doesn't change how he feels about you."
"Yes, it does. He didn't come back here for me and he's not going to stay here for me. Not when he has the chance of having a family – something that I can't give him."
"That's not all that matters to him, Sam."
"Maybe not, but it should be. I don't want to be the reason he misses out on seeing his child grow up. I couldn't do that even if I could give him a family."
"What if he wants to stay here?"
Sam looked up at Daniel and sighed. He could see that her eyes were brimming with tears. "That's his choice, but I'm not gonna ask him to stay or encourage it. He deserves happiness, Daniel." Sam paused, smiling slightly at him and revealing her defiance when it came to this matter. "Can we do this work a bit later on?"
"Sure," Daniel nodded. "I'll, uh, I'll be in the commissary – I'm kinda hungry."
X X X X X
Jack pulled his hands away from Laira's grasp and stepped back. He saw her face fall and a pang of guilt stabbed through him. "I just need some time. To think about it. It's a big decision and very tempting." They smiled at each other. "But I can't answer just like that. I can't give up everything here just like that. There are people here. There's my… job. A lot of very important stuff."
"I understand," Laira smiled at the man she loved. "Take as long as you need. You can come home whenever you like. And if your life here is too important then stay, but please visit your son. I would very much like for you to be part of his life." Laira paused. "I must get back to my people. Please come along later to see your son."
Jack nodded. "I will. First, I have some… serious thinking to do."
Laira leaned into Jack and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. "I look forward to seeing you later," and with that, Laira left the room leaving Jack alone to his thoughts.
And boy did he have a lot of thoughts. He wanted to stay on Earth, to continue working for the SGC, to save the world. He wanted to remain with his friends - they were people that he genuinely cared about, some more than others. He would miss his job and the people, but now he had two more people to think about – Laira and Jack Junior.
Save the world, or be a Dad?
Live on Earth or some other planet?
Be an air force officer or farmer?
Sam or Laira?
"Grr!" Jack grunted, shaking his head. He could not handle all of these thoughts on his own – he needed to find someone to talk to.
X X X X X
Laira entered the infirmary and walked over to her friend, Kessel. Both women smiled at each other and the brunette handed over the toddler she held. Laira took Jack Junior in her arms and glanced around at her people.
"Is everyone okay?"
Kessel nodded. "Some broken bones and some had to undergo operations, but the doctor said that everyone will be okay."
"Good," Laira smiled. She looked down at her son, "Hello beautiful," she cooed at Jack-Junior. "Did you miss your mother?"
Jack-Junior giggled in his mother's arms and gave her a large smile. He had his mother's eyes and his father's smile. Laira had always loved to see Jack-Junior smile because it reminded her so much of Jack.
"Laira," Kessel asked, "what happened with his father?"
"I have asked him to come with us," Laira replied, smiling and playing with her son while holding a conversation with her friend.
"And?"
"And he requires time to think about his answer."
"What if he only comes to you for your child?"
Laira shrugged. "He would be mine," she continued, "and he is needed. I have not asked him to spend his life with me purely because I love him, but also because our people and my son need him. He will be a strong leader."
"And you will get something, too," Kessel smiled and her friend sighed.
"Away with you, Kessel."
X X X X X
Jack entered SG-1's office, looking for Daniel. Instead he found Carter. She was sitting, staring at the computer screen. Jack could tell by the look in her eyes that she was not concentrating. He studied her for a moment. She had this amazing beauty that knocked him for six. In that instant, he knew that he could not leave her… if she wanted him to stay. He knew that they could never be together, but seeing her there and then he knew he could not live without her.
"Hey, Carter."
Carter visibly jumped. "Sir, you scared me." She tried to put a brave face on the situation.
"Sorry," he apologised before they fell into an uncomfortable silence.
"What are you…?"
"How's…?" Both laughed and Jack started again.
"What are you up to?"
"Nothing actually. Too much on my mind."
Jack nodded. "I know the feeling."
Again an uncomfortable silence fell as Jack started fiddling with some object near him. Keeping his eyes on the object, Jack spoke. "Laira's asked me to go with her."
Carter looked up at Jack, noticing that he was avoiding looking at her. Her worst fears were confirmed. There was a long silence as Carter tried to get her voice under control before speaking. "Are you going?" Her voice shook a little – not quite the control she had hoped for.
Jack shrugged. "There are a lot of things to consider," he said, looking up and meeting her eyes. He saw pain and confusion in their blue.
"Yeah. Your job, your friends, family, your son." Carter said the last part more for herself than for him. She had to remind herself that he had a son now and that was more important than anything she felt.
"And you," he whispered. He realised that his hands were shaking so after putting the object down, Jack shoved his hands into his pockets. He could not believe that he felt like a nervous, shy teenager, but maybe that was how being in love made one feel.
Carter tried to smile bravely. "Me? What have I got to do with anything? I'm sure I could cope with a new C.O."
"Yeah, right," Jack nodded, bitterly continuing. "What was I thinking? Why should you care what I'm up to?"
X X X X X
Daniel stopped halfway to the commissary, suddenly thinking that Sam might be hungry. He turned back to SG-1's office, but seeing Doctor Fraiser approaching, he stopped again. "Janet."
"Hey, Daniel. How's Sam?" her closest friend on base asked.
"She's decided that Jack's gonna leave Earth to be with Laira and Sam reckons that's best for everyone."
"Including her?" Janet queried.
"I think that's what she thinks. She knows how she feels and how he did feel, but she also knows that they can never be together. She wants him to be happy and I think she's just decided that she can't make him happy."
Janet shook her head at her friend's logic. "But could she?" Daniel shrugged and Janet continued. "You going for lunch?"
"Yeah, I'll meet you in a minute. I want to go and see if Sam's hungry."
X X X X X
"What?" Sam asked, slightly confused. "Of course I care what you do. I just don't see what I have to do with it."
"Nothing, Carter, you have nothing to do with it." O'Neill no longer felt nervous, now he was just angry.
Sam could hear the anger in his voice and it made her cement her decision. "Would you like my advice, sir?" she spat.
"Go ahead. After all, no-one can make a decision without Miss-Know-It-All Carter giving her input." O'Neill was visibly getting angrier by the second.
Sam scowled at her commanding officer. "You should go. Someone else can do your job – probably better than you can. As for your family and friends, don't worry there aren't that many. And me," she paused, "I don't care. So the way I see it, there's nothing keeping you here."
"Fine," O'Neill replied not reacting to her harsh words at all, "I'm going to go with Laira. I'm going to be a dad to my son. I'm gon-" he stopped when he realised that Sam was hastily leaving the room. Now he was confused and ashamed. Maybe it would be better if he went to Edora.
"Jack," O'Neill turned at Daniel's angry voice, "why is Sam running down the corridor? She almost bowled me over."
"I don't know," O'Neill said in a quiet voice.
"What did you say to her?" This was one of the reasons that Daniel believed the dynamic could change – O'Neill hurting Sam. That was also one of the reasons that he was glad the regulations stood in their way.
"That I was going to Edora."
"Are you?"
"I don't know. She made it clear that she doesn't want me here and that she doesn't care where I am."
"Jack, don't be so obtuse. Sam doesn't want you to go."
"Well she doesn't want me to stay."
"She wants to make it easier for you."
"Well she has," Jack replied as stubbornly as he could
"She doesn't want to be the reason that you're not with your son. She doesn't want to be the other woman. She doesn't want you to hate her in years to come."
"She isn't the other woman – she's the only woman," O'Neill paused, what he had just said suddenly dawning on him. He wanted that impossible future with Carter. He wanted to be with her in this life, not with Laira in some fairy-tale. "I can stay here and still visit my son. I don't know if I'm ready for the quiet life yet, if I'm ready to stop saving the world."
"Don't tell me, Jack, tell her."
O'Neill nodded and ran out of the room, faster than a Goa'uld larva sought out a new host, but only as fast as his injured knees could handle. Daniel could not help smiling to himself. As he moved towards his desk, Daniel noticed someone standing in the second doorway.
"Care to explain anything, Doctor Jackson?" General Hammond asked.
"General, I, uh, I have a lot of work to do."
"You better get to it, then. I don't want any distractions to delay the work. Do I make myself clear Doctor Jackson?"
Daniel nodded and began working, hoping the general would leave it at that.
X X X X X
Jack had checked Carter's quarters, her lab, everywhere he could think of. He was on the verge of giving up when he found himself standing outside of the ladies' toilets. Checking there was no one around, Jack entered the toilets. There was only one cubicle door closed and Jack could hear breathing from behind it.
"Carter?" he asked hesitantly. He soon heard an annoyed groan.
"Can no-one read the sign on the door?" she asked sarcastically.
"Hey," he greeted knowing it was her. "I've been looking all over for you."
"Why did you bother?"
God, she was impossible sometimes. "You gonna open the door?" he asked, ignoring her question.
"No."
"I'll break it down then."
"No, you won't," she said and she was right. First of all, Jack would have to explain it to General Hammond and secondly, Jack would probably hurt Carter and himself in the process.
Jack shook his head as he realised that there was only one thing left to do. Walking into the cubicle next to Sam's, he placed a foot on the seat as there was no toilet lid. "Hope you're decent in there," he said, poking his head over the wall. "Good, you are." He was not exactly sure what he was going to say. He knew that he did not want to live with Laira and that he wanted to stay here with Carter. He knew that a relationship would be … hard if not impossible, but he could live with just being friends and nothing more just as long as she was in his life.
"Colonel?" Carter said, looking up. Her brow furrowed in both confusion and shock.
"Mind out the way," he said. He shifted his weight and his foot slipped into the toilet bowl. "Oh, for crying out loud!"
"Colonel?" Carter questioned as his head disappeared from view.
"Nothing," he said climbing back up with one soaking wet foot. "Move then."
In complete shock, Carter moved against the door, but did not even think about opening it. Jack's head disappeared behind the wall for a moment but it soon reappeared with the rest of his body as he climbed over into Carter's cubicle. He stumbled a bit, but stood up in front of her.
"Hi!" he smiled his large goofy smile. "I got a wet foot."
"What are you doing?"
"I could ask you the same thing."
"I'm in the ladies' toilets – it's kinda obvious," she joked.
"I don't mean that." He paused. "I spoke to Daniel."
"You shouldn't have," she said as all emotion disappeared from her face.
"Do you want me to go to Edora?" Before Carter could answer, Jack riskily continued. "Because I don't. I want to stay here. I like my job. I like my life and more importantly, I like you," he said in a hurry.
"What?" Carter asked in astonishment.
"I don't want to leave Earth because I don't want to leave you," he explained it slowly, showing that he meant what he said.
"Sir-"
"Carter," she looked him in the eye as he stepped closer, "I know that you don't want to be the other woman or to keep me from my son – you couldn't do either."
"It's not just that. We can't be together, Colonel. I'm kind of okay with that because work is all I've ever wanted. It's not okay for you though and maybe you don't care at the moment, but you will."
"I'm happy as it is, Carter." He closed the gap between them, the locked toilet door behind Carter. "I'm happy working with you every day, caring for you more than I'm supposed to," he paused. He meant what he said, but he also knew that he would be fine with their relationship changing. That was why he was about to do what he was. "Carter, I'm going to kiss you and if you don't want me to then stop me." He gently put his hands on her cheeks and he leaned in. He closed his eyes before his lips descended on hers.
She could feel her heart beating way too fast and she was powerless to stop him from kissing her. Their lips met and the kiss was slow at first. Her hands reached up behind his neck, pulling him closer and the kiss deepened. His hands found themselves on her hips, pulling her lower body closer to him.
Neither could believe that they were actually kissing the other. For five years they had worked together, developing feelings. A year ago they had admitted they cared more than they should and they had both known that nothing could ever be done about it, yet they were.
As if they both thought this at the same time, each pulled away from the other.
Jack was at a total loss for words.
"I have work to do," Carter said, managing to push Jack back a step and then get out of the cubicle.
Jack quickly chased after her. "Wait," he said, grabbing her arm before she could leave the toilets. "Could I maybe see you tonight?" He saw hesitation on her face. "We have a lot to discuss." He paused, "I meant what I said."
Carter's eyes met his, something flickering over her face before it returned to being expressionless. She nodded.
Jack smiled happily. "My place at eight?"
Staring at the floor once more, Carter nodded again. Silently she walked off.
X X X X X
Jack had nothing to do for the afternoon. He had been ecstatically happy after Carter had left, but reality had soon snuck back into his brain. He knew that if he stayed on his own his mind would wander and he would think too much. If he were left alone to those thoughts he would talk himself out of tonight. He had briefly gone back to his quarters, but only to find a change of socks and shoes.
He might even talk himself into going with Laira.
It was not that he wanted either of these, but if he thought too much he would remember the regulations, the hundreds of reasons why he should not go and see Carter, the catastrophe that could follow. Things could also never go back to normal with Carter now. Not after he had kissed her, for crying out loud! After the morning's events he could never resume a working relationship with Carter, she could never simply be Carter to him and he doubted that he could ever be Colonel to her.
"Stop thinking," he whispered to himself, entering the infirmary. He quickly spotted Laira and Jack-Junior, but he hesitated in the doorway. A small voice spoke in his head: "Can you deny them? Is that what you really want? To give up and lose another family? Would it really be that hard to share their life?"
Before Jack could contemplate this voice, Laira was by his side. It had not taken her long to notice him. Something about that bothered him. She had seen him and come over as if he would only come to the infirmary for her. Okay so he had, but that was not the point.
"Jack," Laira smiled, "I am glad that you could come and visit."
"Me, too," Jack nodded, smiling slightly awkwardly. Laira did not seem to notice. "Would you and Junior like to come for a walk?"
Laira smiled, handing Jack his son. Jack was a bit uncomfortable at first, but he soon became more at ease. Jack had not held a child for a long time, probably not since Charlie – his son. Jack could not even remember holding Charlie that much. He could not remember much about Charlie growing up. Maybe time had blurred the memories, or maybe he had been too busy working during Charlie's precious few years.
"Let's go," Jack said, breaking out of that train of thought. "I thought I'd take you both up to the surface. Show you Earth."
X X X X X
Sam had been helping Daniel all afternoon. There were a few planets that were uninhabited which would suit the Edorans. There were also three planets already inhabited. The two members of SG-1 had arranged with General Hammond for three missions to occur the following day. SG units 4, 7 and 12 would lead the recon. Sam now had one thing left to do before she could leave the base. She desperately wanted to be out of this base and out of this day. She wished that she could fall asleep and wake up, starting today all over again, like the time-loop O'Neill and Teal'c had once got trapped in. There was so much she would change if she could relive this day.
On her way to her on-base quarters, Sam checked in with an SF guard.
"Has, uh, Colonel O'Neill left the base yet?"
"Not that I know of, Major. But not everyone goes by me. You should check on the surface."
"No, it's okay. Thanks."
Sam resumed her journey to her quarters. Once there, Sam sat down on her bed with a pad of paper and a pen. She sighed deeply and began writing. She was not sure what she was writing or why she was writing it. Maybe she was taking the coward's way out after getting scared. Maybe she did not want to write this at all. Maybe she was just letting her doubts get the better of her. All Sam knew was that she had to write this letter. That it was the right thing to do. She spent ages on the letter, throwing away hundreds of rough drafts before finally getting it right. Folding the sheets in half and writing 'Jack' on the front, the letter was complete. All she had to do now was put it in his office and he would get it tonight. Even if he had already left, he would get it tomorrow before he had the chance to see her.
Okay so it was a cowardly way out, she knew that, but it was the only way.
X X X X X
Laira watched Jack playing with their son. She had dreamed of this for a long time - being a happy family, all three of them. She desperately wanted Jack to remain with them, but she knew that his heart belonged to another. She knew that on her own, Jack would not come to her and her people needed his expertise and skill.
He would accompany her with a son in the equation.
Jack turned to Laira, wondering what she had been thinking. "It's getting late. Junior's probably tired." In truth he had no idea of the time. He had been so caught up in playing with his son that everything else had disappeared from view.
"It is and he is. I just could not bring myself to disturb the two of you. He was really enjoying it. As were you."
"I was. I am." Jack passed Junior back to Laira and then looked at his watch. It read ten to eight. Time really had escaped him. "Damn!"
"What?" Laira asked, mirroring Jack's actions by getting to her feet.
"I'm late."
"I'm sorry," she apologised, before adding, "Late for what?"
He paused, unsure of what excuse to make and partly because she had asked. "I, uh, I arranged to meet someone." Jack could not, for some reason, tell her the truth. He might be a bit slow when it came to women and feelings, but he knew that Laira still had feelings for him. He could see it in her eyes and in her smile and he hated to think that he might be accidentally leading her on. It would be hard enough for him to tell her that he would be remaining on Earth, but to tell her that he was remaining to be with Carter? Even he was not that insensitive.
"Oh. I am sorry for keeping you." She knew that he was keeping something from her - she could see it in his slightly forced smile. Her tone easily reflected that she sensed something was wrong.
"Don't be sorry," he said, kissing Junior on the cheek and Laira on the forehead. "I'll see you tomorrow when hopefully we can find you guys a new home. I gotta go." With that he ran off.
Laira could not help it when a smile formed on her lips. Okay, so he had just run off, but he had kissed her first. Jack living with her was becoming a stronger possibility.
Then it hit her: "…hopefully we can find you guys a new home." That was what he had said. You guys, not including him. Fear settled deep in the pit of her stomach. Fear that he would not be coming with her, that she would be losing him once more.
X X X X X
Jack had gone straight to his car, not bothering to get changed. He got to his house at half eight and, unsurprisingly, Carter was not there. She would not have waited around for him. She would have waited a few moments and then left, believing Jack to have chickened out. He would not let it end like that. He got straight back into his car and went around to Carter's. He could not let her believe that he had stood her up and that he had wimped out. He would never again be able to sleep properly for wondering what she was thinking about him, what names she was calling him in her anger. She would begin to hate him for making a fool of her. She would decide that he did not care for her if he could do that to her.
So much damage could be caused in just one night of thinking the wrong thing, of believing lies. They would never be able to repair all the damage that could occur.
Parking his car, Jack ran up to her door and began pounding on it as if his life depended on it. After what seemed like a millennium, she opened the door. She looked surprised to see him.
"Sir?" she asked as if she had never expected him to come to her house.
X X X X X
Sam opened her front door to see Colonel O'Neill standing in front of her. His face was slightly flushed and he was breathing unevenly. He looked as if he had run all the way here from the base. He was still in his fatigues, while Sam was dressed in a baggy sweatshirt and comfy jeans. She had planned on an evening of ice cream, cookies and weepy videos. She had never thought that he might come here after her.
"Sir? What's the matter?" she asked, presuming he had come straight from the SGC in an emergency. What was wrong with the telephone?
"I'm sorry. I got distracted at the base and missed you at mine. I'm so sorry. I wanted to meet you, I didn't want to stand you up because we still need to talk," he paused, finally taking a breath. "Can I come in?"
Sam stood there motionless. She had not expected this. She thought once he had read the letter he would never talk to her again. She had not even thought he would come over angry with her. Instead he had come over angry with himself which probably meant he had not even read the letter. He did not know that she had never gone to his or that she had never intended on meeting him.
"Carter? I mean, Sam?"
Silently and dazed, Sam moved to one side, allowing O'Neill entrance. She followed him into the living room. "Have a seat," she practically whispered.
He declined.
"Would you like a drink?" Again, he shook his head. "Anything?"
"Talk," he nodded. "I'd like to talk."
"Go ahead." To say that the two of them were both uncomfortable was an understatement. They both remained standing, as much distance between them as possible, neither looking at the other.
"What's changed, Sam? Earlier on, we seemed okay." O'Neill said. Somehow Sam knew this was not what he had planned to say.
"Well, I've been thinking since then, sir." He winced at the harsh formal tone to her voice. "I think it's best if we forget this afternoon and everything that's passed between us."
"Why?" She could feel his eyes on her, but Sam refused to look up from the floor.
She sighed deeply. "Because of our jobs. I can't risk my career on a relationship with my C.O. We can't have a relationship and work together. I don't want to be in a position where we have to choose who to save and we choose out of… feelings rather than…" she trailed off, wishing she had not said anything. She should have just lied to him. She should have told him that she did not care about him. He would object but he could not do anything about it. She looked at him. He was looking at the floor now. She could not lie to him or hurt him in that way. She looked back at the floor.
"Carter, you're forgetting something," he paused for a long time. He only began again when she finally looked up from the floor and their eyes met. She could kick herself for falling into his trap. He now knew that she was interested in hearing his answer. "Those feelings are already there," he continued, his eyes locked with hers, "on my part anyway. I've already been faced with those decisions, or are you forgetting that I killed you?" His eyes turned to the floor and she missed the contact. "I stood there with the Zat and I knew what I had to do. God, I didn't want to. If I could have found any other way… I had to. And it hurt. In effect I killed you. I didn't know that we could get you back. I really thought that I was ending your life. I'll never forget that pain."
Sam was watching him as he spoke and then he looked back at her, his eyes brimming with tears. "It would be different," she whispered. "Everyone would know. Everyone else would question our judgement. I've worked hard to become a major, to get respect from my fellow officers. I don't want others to think I got where I am by sleeping with the boss. I don't need any further prejudice."
The look in his eyes turned angry. "So let me get this straight. You're saying no to us, to your feelings because it might be too hard?"
"You don't understand," Sam ran her hands through her hair. She was getting frustrated. Why couldn't this all be simple? "I don't need, nor want any extra hassle."
"Bullshit, Carter."
"Excuse me?" she said in amazement.
"You're scared."
She shook her head. "No. I'm not," she replied vehemently.
"Yes, you are. I don't know what of, but you are."
"No! I'm not!" she screamed.
He crossed the room in two large steps and grabbed her by the arms. "What are you scared of?" he demanded, his grip tightening.
She looked at the floor again as her body shook. "Alright, I am scared."
He released his grip on her, but stayed close. "Of what?" he whispered.
Slowly she met his gaze, her eyes now the ones glistening with tears. "Of losing you," she whispered. She had finally admitted her life's greatest fear and now that she had started she could not stop. "Everyone I've ever cared for leaves. My mom died, my dad doesn't live on the planet and I killed Martouf. Just look at Martouf, Narim, Orlin and the rest. SG-1 is all I have and I'm petrified of losing any of you. I don't exactly have a good track record with guys. They end up dead. And I know what it's like to kill someone you care about. I killed Martouf, and there was no way of getting him back. I don't want to feel that kind of pain with you." By now tears were rolling down her face.
He wiped at the tears with his thumbs. "You're not going to lose me, Sam."
It was not just the thought of losing him that Sam feared. It was also the fear of hurting him. "What about your son? I can't ask you to leave him. I wouldn't ask that."
"You don't need to. I've never wanted anything more than a family-"
She cut him off. "I can't give you one."
"Will you let me finish?" he asked. "But the same goes for my job. I've tried working and having a family. Charlie," he did not need to say anymore on that subject. "I don't want that to happen again."
"What are you saying?" Sam could only whisper out her question.
"I'm saying that with Junior on another planet and me visiting him, I can have the family and career without the risk."
She looked at him in disgust and pulled away. She felt physically sick. "So you're saying that at weekends you could have her and me during the week. I don't think so," she shook her head.
"What? No." Jack stepped toward her, his hands up to stop her from backing away. "I don't … feel like that for Laira. I never did. Not as much as I feel for you. I'm not gonna be… Carter, how could you think that? I meant that I could see Junior."
"Really?" Sam asked, a very innocent and naïve tone to her voice. She was a very confident person in every way, but not when it came to her in these situations. She had tried to be stronger after her disastrous relationship with Jonas, but she had not exactly had a serious relationship since him.
Jack smiled and moved closer, he tilted her face up to his. "Yes, really." He was so close now that each could feel the other's breath on their face. Jack was sure that Sam could feel his heart beating - then again it was racing way too fast. Past experiences told him that he should not be more nervous of a second kiss than the first, but this was different. This was not on the base, surrounded by rules and regulations. This was not in a small cubicle rather this was in Sam's house where a kiss held the potential to lead to a whole lot more.
He paused just before his lips met hers. "Say now if you don't want this, Sam, because after this … there's no going back," he whispered. Part of him was expecting her to pull away. She did not. Another part expected her to nod and let him continue. His fantasy involved her leading them into her bedroom. None of those happened though. Instead, Sam kissed him, a slow kiss that took Jack by surprise at first.
But only at first.
X X X X X
End of Chapter One.