Harry Potter & The Secret Diary Of Severus Snape
Harry Potter was bored. Very bored.
He lolled around Sirius's house with a piece of gum (Juicy Fruit, as usual) stuck beyond any hope in his shaggy hair, listless. Of course, at that crucial moment when Harry desperately needed something, anything to do, Sirius Black was asleep. Deeply asleep.
Very unfortunately for him, because happily dreaming godfathers are always ideal targets for pranks from terribly bored godsons. Fortunately, however, something made of bound parchment glinting merrily in the sunlight caught Harry's eye. He picked it up and, having absolutely nothing better to do, opened it.
It was Professor Severus Snape's secret diary. He'd left it here after the last meeting of the Order of the Phoenix.
Harry's jaw dropped.
"This is great!" he thought. "I wonder if Sirius knows Snape's incontinent?"
He snapped the diary shut and dashed to Sirius's bedroom.
"SIRIUS SIRIUS WAKEY WAKEY BIG SURPRISEY!" Harry shouted, jumping up and down on his godfather's bed. "SIRIUS!!! WAKE! UP!!!!"
"Do little Remushes like to be shpanked?" Sirius said sleepily as he slowly woke. "Cush I bloody doesh. Sho do Mishter Darshies."
"Uh, dunno. Listen to this, though…"
SEVEN HOURS LATER…
"So!" said Sirius triumphantly. "We have gleaned these very important facts from one book, eh? One: Snape is incontinent and knows where every lavatory in Hogwarts is… Two: Snape has night terrors from the days my mates and I used to torture him… Three… Ah Snivellus, you haven't disappointed me! …Snape has overactive sweat glands in his nose! Ha ha! Brilliant find, Harry, brilliant!"
"I love the part where he describes his dreams; the one where Professor Trelawny bends him over her lap and spanks him cracks me up," said Harry.
"Tee hee hee… Listen… Snivellus has a tiny…"
"Er-" Harry cut him off. "No thanks."
"Snape writes that he is not – repeat – not gay, that he enjoys lemon drops just like Dumbledore whom he secretly idolizes from afar, and that he has a crush on Mrs. Lucius Malfoy."
"Bet Draco Malfoy would enjoy Snape as a stepfather if his mum ever decides to drop his dad," Harry joked.
"Whoa… Snape put libido-reducing potion into Remus's full-moon potions… No wonder we had such a rough patch there for a while…"
"EW! SIRIUS, SHUT UP!!" Harry yelled.
"Snape likes to pose nude in front of the mirror."
"OKAY!" Harry shrieked. "I think we've had enough today."
He snatched Snape's diary out of Sirius's hands and threw it into the fire.
"Hey!" yelled Sirius. "Oh, it's okay. I've memorized it."
"What the-"
TWO MONTHS LATER…
"Black, have you seen one of my books? Bound parchment, has PRIVATE on the cover?" Snape asked icily at the next Order meeting.
"Don't believe so, Snivellus," Sirius said arrogantly.
Snape turned to go.
"COUGH – POSING – COUGH – NUDE – COUGH – MIRROR!!!"
"WHY YOU…"
THE END