The Revenge of Station 51
(with thanks to Hamtor, and apologies to the authors of the children's nursery rhyme and song, Run! Run! Rabbit!)
"It just can't continue," Captain Stanley lamented. "I'm loosing more men to the Evil Plot Bunny than to working accidents. The station ratings are down, overtime pay is up due to the excessive call-ins, and more importantly, the public just isn't protected as thoroughly. It just can't continue like this."
The men sitting around Stanley's kitchen table sighed wearily. Resignedly, almost.
"Hank's right," Dr Early agreed. "We are close to having to retire Johnny, Roy, and Chet due to neurologic issues. One major concussion or coma is bad enough, but two can have significant lingering effects. Three? Four? Five? Full recovery is almost unheard of, leading to cognitive impairment and long term Alzheimer's. This isn't good, folks." He shook his head sadly and paused a bit, looking quizzical, and added, "Even though the theories I'm discussing here won't be generally accepted for another 20 years or so."
"It does make for good reading and storytelling, though," the Battalion Chief mused. When Dr Brackett slammed down his bottle of beer and moved to lunge across the table, the Chief quickly amended, "in moderation of course, and upon occasion. It IS fiction, you know."
The Fire Department Chaplain listened quietly for a while, but then offered his perspective. "Gentlemen, it is an unusual situation, but I may have an answer. Here, let me explain…"
Three days later, Captain Stanley's shift and some volunteers stood in the back of the bay, looking somewhat baffled.
!EEEE!
"You want us to do what, Cap?" Johnny asked. "Sing and dance?"
"Right up your alley, Gage!" Chet elbowed him.
"Ow! Watch it! Those ribs aren't 100% yet, you know," Johnny exclaimed, and then muttered, "as if they'll ever be."
"Shut up, you twits. It's juvenile enough for all of you, and the Chaplain thinks that this will work. You have your assignments, right?"
"Yes, sir," the men exclaimed.
"OK, then." Captain Stanley punched a button on his cassette player, and all of the men yelled over the blaring music, "TAKE THIS, YOU EVIL PLOT BUNNY!"
In time with the beat, the firemen began dancing in a pow-wow style circle, singing at the top of their lungs:
...
Run rabbit, run rabbit
Run! Run! Run!
Run rabbit, run rabbit
Run! Run! Run!
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Goes the fireman's gun (as all the men turned inward and "shot" the stuffed bunny that the Chaplain had provided, and then resumed their dancing)
Run rabbit, run rabbit
Run! Run! Run!
Run rabbit, run rabbit
Run! Run! Run!
Don't give the fiction fans their fun!
Fun! Fun! Fun!
We're all looking forward to a rabbit pie (as the men all stopped, rubbed their stomachs; a few even managed to belch)
So run rabbit, run rabbit
Run!
Oh run away, run away, run away!
Run rabbit run!
Oh go away, go away, go away! (as the men all swept the bunny out the door)
Go rabbit go
Better get started
Get on your feet
Better go in full retreat
And just look out
Be a little wise guy
Or you could wind up as Big Red's rabbit pie (with some long toots from Big Red's airhorn. "I've always wanted to do that," Dr Bracket commented to Dr Early, whose hugh smile said more than words.)
Run rabbit, run rabbit
Run run run away
Don't give the fans their fun today
Or we'll enjoy our rabbit pie (as more belching ensued)
So run rabbit, run run rabbit run!
Hey rabbit, hey rabbit! (the Nurses from Rampart – also recruited for support – seductively joined the dancing, beckoning enticingly)
Come right here
Hey rabbit, say rabbit!
Can't you hear?
You sure have made a coat this year
So rabbit, oh rabbit
Come right here
A pike hook, a sharp noose (ably provided by Chet and Mike, as they corralled the stuffed bunny)
Oh my dear
What spectacular fur he has!
Guess what the nurses
Will wear this year?
Rabbit, rabbit (the Chaplain stepped forward and soloed)
Won't you run away?
Please don't give the fireman any more pains today
They'll then pass up their rabbit pie
And no one will die, die, die.
So run rabbit, run rabbit,
Run run run!
...
The music ended, and everyone stood around a bit awkwardly, staring at the stuffed bunny.
Captain Stanley cleared his throat.
"Well," he said, "well. Uh, we hope this works. To, uhm, thank you, we've got some snacks. Hausenpfeffer and rabbit shaped cookies, actually."
The tension was broken, the crew and their guests headed to the kitchen for a feast, and laughter was restored to the station.
Captain Stanley hung back a moment with the Chaplain. "Do you think this will really work?"
"Don't know," the Chaplain shrugged. "If we don't get food poisoning from the rabbit stew, it would be a good sign."
"And if we do?"
The Chaplain paused a moment and looked off into the distance, and then back to the Captain. "Hank, let's not go there, OK? But if that happens, advise your guys to buy extra disability and life insurance, because things sure could get messy….."
The End