Disclaimer: I do not own anything Alias related. They are not mine.
"I was hoping you would say, Sydney I gave up, I gave up on us, I lost
faith. But what you came here for was closure...and there is not a chance
you are getting that from me. I'm not going to say I understand. I am not
going to sympathize with you and tell you how hard it must be for you but
if you want to know how I am, I am horrible. Vaughn, I am ripped apart.
And not because I lost you but because if it had been me, I would have
waited. I would have found out the truth I wouldn't have given up on you.
And now I realize, what an absolute waste that would have been."
For so many years SD-6 and then the CIA had controlled my life - Sloane, Irina, Jack, Sark even seemed to have more control over it than I did, yet at least they let me participate in it...I was aware of the world around me. Even if the decisions were out of my control at least I was conscious of that. How can a person lose two years of their life in the span of a night? And is lost even the right word? It's not like I can find those years like you would look for missing car keys. Anger, frustration, sadness are all words that cannot adequately explain what it is I am feeling, and Vaughn kept looking at me to tell him that it's alright. That is his job, at least it was. My guardian angel, my boy scout, my one true ally. For seven years, all I had was my faith in all that everything I was doing and going through was for the greater good, and when that faith was shaken by the truth, he was the one who stepped in to confirm that there still were things in this world I could have faith in...him being one of them. How do I find the light in the world without faith? How do I believe in goodness when absolutely everything has been stripped away now? All the training in the world could not prepare me for what I am dealing with. I want to hate him for giving up on me, for marrying, for moving on with his life and yet, I can't. The only way I can get through this, to get a life back, is to cut it out entirely. Compartmentalizing will not work this time. It they had to take two years of my life, why couldn't they have taken the part of my brain that remembers him? Maybe this is the punishment. I remember everything so I can know exactly what it is that I have lost.
He wants closure. I can't give it. If I do, it's like I approve of what he did...not the getting married part but the giving up part. I thought I meant more, I had based my faith and my belief on that fact. I don't have the advantage of looking back like he does. For me it was yesterday that we were madly in love. For me it was yesterday not the faded memory it is for him. He looks back fondly and says "ya it was nice". For me, I can still feel the warmth of his kiss when he dropped me off twelve hours ago. Time away gives you perspective. I don't have perspective yet, all I have is pain and the undeniable desire to share that pain - to inflict it elsewhere so that is why I said what I said. His lack of faith was the final betrayal. I don't exactly know how I am going to put my life back together...maybe that's not possible. Maybe I need to find a new life...one thing is going to be different this time around though. No more false hope in faith and believing in things bigger and greater. I am a woman without fear because I have absolutely nothing left to lose. All those who would come after me, Sark and Sloane included, should be forewarned...a woman without fear is impossible to defeat.
For so many years SD-6 and then the CIA had controlled my life - Sloane, Irina, Jack, Sark even seemed to have more control over it than I did, yet at least they let me participate in it...I was aware of the world around me. Even if the decisions were out of my control at least I was conscious of that. How can a person lose two years of their life in the span of a night? And is lost even the right word? It's not like I can find those years like you would look for missing car keys. Anger, frustration, sadness are all words that cannot adequately explain what it is I am feeling, and Vaughn kept looking at me to tell him that it's alright. That is his job, at least it was. My guardian angel, my boy scout, my one true ally. For seven years, all I had was my faith in all that everything I was doing and going through was for the greater good, and when that faith was shaken by the truth, he was the one who stepped in to confirm that there still were things in this world I could have faith in...him being one of them. How do I find the light in the world without faith? How do I believe in goodness when absolutely everything has been stripped away now? All the training in the world could not prepare me for what I am dealing with. I want to hate him for giving up on me, for marrying, for moving on with his life and yet, I can't. The only way I can get through this, to get a life back, is to cut it out entirely. Compartmentalizing will not work this time. It they had to take two years of my life, why couldn't they have taken the part of my brain that remembers him? Maybe this is the punishment. I remember everything so I can know exactly what it is that I have lost.
He wants closure. I can't give it. If I do, it's like I approve of what he did...not the getting married part but the giving up part. I thought I meant more, I had based my faith and my belief on that fact. I don't have the advantage of looking back like he does. For me it was yesterday that we were madly in love. For me it was yesterday not the faded memory it is for him. He looks back fondly and says "ya it was nice". For me, I can still feel the warmth of his kiss when he dropped me off twelve hours ago. Time away gives you perspective. I don't have perspective yet, all I have is pain and the undeniable desire to share that pain - to inflict it elsewhere so that is why I said what I said. His lack of faith was the final betrayal. I don't exactly know how I am going to put my life back together...maybe that's not possible. Maybe I need to find a new life...one thing is going to be different this time around though. No more false hope in faith and believing in things bigger and greater. I am a woman without fear because I have absolutely nothing left to lose. All those who would come after me, Sark and Sloane included, should be forewarned...a woman without fear is impossible to defeat.